I'm prepared to admit it now.

I've been chronically undereating given the amount of exercise I've been doing. Unintentionally at first. Then because it actually worked for me.

However, this morning, someone staged an intervention, a serious one, and has maybe made me sit up and realise just how bad the situation has gotten. To the point where they were threatening to have me committed for a psych evaluation and they were genuinely concerned about me literally passing out or worse at the gym. As in they were concerned to the point that they thought I was going to have some kind of organ failure, not just pass out from exhaustion. Apparently there's "some distinct smell" associated with extreme muscle failure or something along those lines, and the PT at the gym said it was definitely coming from me. Even though I felt fine, they probably do know about these things better than I do.

I admit my first reaction was "you don't know what the f*** you're talking about", but the reality is, they do. This person works at the gym and has a PhD in sport and exercise science. I'd like to be able to write them off, but I kind of can't.

At any rate, this has made me realise just how bad I've let my situation become. I need to explain things first, and then I'll get to the problems.

I started out 16 months ago on this journey. It was always about improving my cardio fitness, not about weight loss - believe it or not. Somewhere along the way that changed. My cardio was fine, I was fit and healthy and everything was great. Then it became about "oh, I just want to lose a few more kg" (I work in metric in Australia, you'll have to forgive me). I started out at just under 64kg (which is roughly 141 lbs). Then I got to 50kg, and it became "oh, just a couple more kg and I'll be fine". Which became "oh, 45kg? Yeah, just a couple more kg." Which has effectively lead to me now weighing ~35kg (less than 78 lbs).

I'd genuinely convinced myself that this was perfectly fine because I was training, and I was fit! It wasn't like I was starving myself or anything, right? Except now I've realised that that's effectively what I had been doing. While I ate back my "weight loss" or "maintenance" calories (varied between 1200 for weight loss and 1350 now for maintenance), I wasn't really eating back any of my exercise calories. Or if I was, certainly not enough of them in order to stay healthy.

I'd convinced myself NOT to eat them back because I was taking my calorie output from the cardio equipment at the gym. Which as I understand it is notoriously unreliable in terms of calorie counts. So I figured if I ate back very little of it (if any), then I'd be safe and wouldn't be overestimating my calorie output. Stupid idea in hindsight, and it appears I'm now paying the consequences of that in terms of my health.

As an example, I would routinely burn over 2000-2500 calories a day (according to the gym equipment). On a good day I might eat back 500 calories worth of that so that on what should theoretically be my maintenance setup, I'd still only be eating 1850 a day. Obviously ridiculous in hindsight. But I'd convinced myself that as long as I was eating the minimum 1350 for maintenance, then I'd be ok.

But now I think it's epically messed with my head. After the intervention I got this morning, I made a promise to the PT at the gym (who staged the intervention out of serious concern for my health) do less cardio today and eat more. So for lunch, I went to the pub to try and unwind for an hour. And ordered a philly cheesesteak, fries and a beer. And you know the first thing I did? Figure out what I could eat for dinner tonight that would still bring me in under my maintenance calories. Seriously.

I know nearly everyone on this site is trying to lose weight. Honestly, I'm just trying to maintain. I don't want to lose any more weight. I really honestly don't. I know that I weigh too little. But by the same token, I'm actually happy with the way I look. I'm toned, have abs etc. I don't have protruding ribs or hip bones or anything that is more commonly associated with anorexia. And I don't think I'm bulemic, since I don't throw up what I eat or anything. I mean yes, I realise now I've been chronically undereating due to lack of eating back exercise calories, but I don't know where (or even if) that falls along the eating disorder spectrum as such.

Maybe I just need some advice. Or someone to kick my a**. I don't know. All I do know is that things have to change for me. I can't let them keep going the way they are.

I came to this group because I'm not really sure how to balance the eating and training, and what I should be even aiming for in terms of progress right now. The reality is, I'm actually ok with the amount of training I'm doing. I like the feeling of fitness that I have, and it is something that I need to maintain both for my job, and for my personal hobbies. So I don't really want to give that up I just don't know how to balance that with my eating anymore. Things were easy when all I wanted to do was lose weight.

Help.