Let me first say sorry I did not get to this post sooner . Now Saying my own fault I think is so harsh , Your mind is trying to protect itself from pain . When you are hurt at a young age your mind trains itself to protect you from being hurt or feeling that trauma . It comes out in so many ways . I am still working on this myself even though I feel ready my mind is not uite trained away from old habits YET . The other thing you spoke of with the relationships , You have to measure your own self worth before you can enter into a relationship . I know I am inlove with a selfish *kitten* , but I have finally come to a point where he knows I am worth more to me then to let him abuse me anymore . It speaks to people , how you treat yourself . Also Humans have a tendancy to try and cling onto ANYTHING they are used to , we are adaptable creatures but STILL so such simple creatures we cling to what we are comfortable with even if it hurts ! But it is safer that way for our mind . It is easier to process things we already know about rather then things we are not used to , dysfunction breeds dysfunction . Unfortunately I have the knowledge of this process but I myself am still working through Breaking out !!! I Do not have many friend IRL because all the friends I make are addicts and I refuse to have that around my children , but I do not know how to be around non addicts . I do not know how to make non User friends . I have reached out to the homeschooling moms for friends but then ran away . I am focused on my children making friends now fearing that I will affect them with my lack of socializing . The best advice I can give you is learn about the ways you mind may be trying to protect you and maybe just try to find new ways. It sux! Do not be mad at yourself , because even though you allow people to be around you no one should hurt anyone else or abuse the love you give ! you are worth more . My sister sent me a necklace that has 3 different pieces , (1) I Am (2) Enough (3) Big pink pearl . I wear it all the time . and I am still yo yo-ing . I Fight a guilt monster , and the guilt monster calls his friend up (depression) and after depression shows up I fight back with my friend Comfort . Comfort runs everyone else away so nothing can hurt me , but me . in fact guilt and depression run allot of good things away so I do not have to deal with disappointment , betrayal and lonesomeness. Sending good wishes and I am here for you to talk to when you need it . If you ever need to talk and I do not respond right away just msg me . I will do what I can and we can go through our heads together