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Do you agree with the 3 month rule?
Replies
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I don't really agree with this. Maybe when I was youngeer this was true. Any more, I am who I am.
My best friends are people who don't put up fronts- what you see is what you get. I'm the same way. That said, MOST people I've ever interacted in (ESPECIALLY those met in a romantic context) have put up a front that takes 3-6 months to wear down before I see the real him/her.
This is why I often recommend my friends not get their hearts too invested in the first couple months.0 -
Why would you pretend to be someone else for a few months and then go bam here I am!! He or she would feel blindsided.
Some people do this because being "who they are" runs the guys/gals off so fast that they are desperate for companionship and hope that by being "who I think this guy/gal wants me to be" they can get the other person to fall enough in love with them that when their true personality won't end the relationship.0 -
I agree that around the 2-3 month mark people tend to assess things differently than earlier in the relationship.
However, in the mind of pretty much everyone, "evolution" in a relationship means "vertical" evolution, as in: moving together -> engaged -> marriage -> children. A bit like being "promoted" in a job to a "superior" status/responsibility (vertical evolution).
If being engaged, marriage and children aren't an option for you in a relationship, how do you propose to offer this needed-by-most "evolution" in your relationship? How about "horizontal evolution" and more importantly, what would this mean in the context of a relationship?
I definitely think about relationship "evolution"- what does that mean and look like, why do I want what I want, and do I trust myself to pick the right person? I think there's probably some truth to the gender stereotypes that women are often more invested in the engagement-marriage trajectory, but obviously not everyone wants to move that way. I don't know what "horizontal evolution" would entail, though.0 -
Some people do this because being "who they are" runs the guys/gals off so fast that they are desperate for companionship and hope that by being "who I think this guy/gal wants me to be" they can get the other person to fall enough in love with them that when their true personality won't end the relationship.
Even "best foot forward" can sometimes be manipulating who you are to a degree, and everyone does this unconsciously at first. I do worry that vulnerability will be taken advantage of, so I'm sure I come off as being a lot more independent than I probably am.
I also think that some people are just kind of void, and end up playing a part in a relationship. A friend from my teen years is an example: she dated punk rockers and was a punk rocker, she dated a stoner and became a stoner, she dated and married a fundamentalist Christian and became a member of focus on the family. All in the name of "being a good girlfriend". I'm not sure she even know who she was in order to pretend to be something she wasn't.0 -
I think there IS a time period, but I'm not sure a 3-month target is the best way to think about it. I think it has more to do with how much time you spend around someone. If you're around someone 3 or 4 nights a week, you're going to hit that barricade faster than if you only see them once a week. My two pennies of experience, for the little that they are worth.0
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nope it seems like a really inorganic way to determine how the relationship should be.
it also takes away from the magi and fun of sex if you're thinking about it as something to be held back based on a calendar date.
it also seems like a fake way to avoid personal responsibility about any emotional shortcomings. if someone gets too emotionally invested in someone too quickly it has less to do about sex and more to do with that person needing to have their own full lives BEFORE trying to get into a relationship.0 -
nope it seems like a really inorganic way to determine how the relationship should be.
it also takes away from the magi and fun of sex if you're thinking about it as something to be held back based on a calendar date.
it also seems like a fake way to avoid personal responsibility about any emotional shortcomings. if someone gets too emotionally invested in someone too quickly it has less to do about sex and more to do with that person needing to have their own full lives BEFORE trying to get into a relationship.
where did holding back sex come into the topic?0 -
bumping for later
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I think there IS a time period, but I'm not sure a 3-month target is the best way to think about it. I think it has more to do with how much time you spend around someone. If you're around someone 3 or 4 nights a week, you're going to hit that barricade faster than if you only see them once a week. My two pennies of experience, for the little that they are worth.
I agree!0 -
I dont see it as a 'target' or even a conscious thought. It's just an approximate period of time that tends to happen naturally when you start seeing someone. If everything is rosy, then you dont even consider it at 3 months. It's just once you start seeing someone, if thing's aren't right then around that time is when you end it having given it a good shot,
Who said anything about holding back sex? Who would do such a thing?? :noway:
It's not a sex issue, more of a relationship issue. Is this person doing it for me long term? (Although if the sex is rubbish, as well as the person, then that's a double review!! :laugh: )0 -
...... I remember Anna saying that I will have many 2 month relationships. And I've accepted that. Most relationships I have will end in failure. That's ok though because all I need is 1 really good one to stick.
Anyway, back to the point. It happens. Whether you talk about it with them, whether you think about it, whether you lose interest or they do.
Ha! Good memory Diana!! Glad it was 3rd time lucky!! :bigsmile:0 -
More like a 3 date rule for me. Maybe even a 3-hour rule... :-)
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More like a 3 date rule for me. Maybe even a 3-hour rule... :-)
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definitely not a three minute rule, right? Haha0 -
definitely not a three minute rule, right? Haha
Coming to conclusion after 3 minutes strikes me as premature.
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it certainly is, which is what helps me know everything I need0 -
Everyone is different and everyone goes into a relationship with different goals/expectations, those expectations usually are not discussed truthfully or if ever. If he's after getting laid, he might disappear after a few weeks, summer fling could last a few months, someone's ex comes back around could be another short lived one. The fact of the matter is none of us are going to honestly fess up to what we are really up to, because of course too blunt or casual and girl thinks we are a pig, talk too serious and marriage and kids and you're too clingy/crazy... soooo we normally don't talk about it all until that awkward point where boundaries need established like are you exclusive and what's okay and what's not, and that's usually not a week 1 conversation...0
This discussion has been closed.