Our therapist's Celebration was moving, beautiful and very "her". Many of her family and friends spoke, and I asked my daughter if she was ok if I shared; she agreed. I was the only person who shared how she changed our lives and created a family. At the end, her daughter released butterflies; at one point, we had a white butterfly dancing in front of my daughter and I, and I know it was her. God speed, my friend. Thank you for your love, your endurance, your continuing belief in me and my ability to come through the other side. We did. You are so loved.

The spread of food was beyond belief -- it literally covered four or five tables. I paid attention to my choices, including choosing some meat, and allowed myself dessert. But it was so different from what it would have been in the past where I would have spent the entire time grazing from one end to the other, refilling my plate at least once. I am full, and I know a big part of that is the meat; my body does not process it well (why I am 85% vegetarian) as the majority of the choices were extremely healthy. The brown rice pilaf with marinated chick peas and veggies was well received (always important for a COE!). Tomorrow will be a bit challenging as my husband and I are taking a drive south to look at the area for our move next year, and I'm not sure exactly how the food will play into the trip. I am comfortable, though, in letting HP guide my choices.
:flowerforyou:

Yesterday I "went off the rails". It's been building for 3 days, making allowances, justifying, not asking for help. Yesterday when I went out at 5 to buy dog food, the thought crept in: I want to go out to dinner. But I didn't want to go OUT, I wanted to eat in. Pick up the food and go home. The first thought was Burger. Since I've been eating as much on the vegetarian side as possible (and since I've been slipping meat in here and there), it didn't "sit well". Then that moved to a local joint that has the best fried calamari in town. So, I called. Was put on hold. Heard the tap tap tap of HP and hung up. Next thought: Local market that has to go food where I could make healthy choices (and the picture in my brain of the sugar they have), which I ignored. I got lots of veggies -- and meat. And chocolate. And a cupcake. And was eating the chocolate before I even got out of the parking lot. Of course, there was the thought of sharing with my family. Yeah. Right. I did get one item that I managed to give to my husband because I was so uncomfortable I couldn't move. I didn't eat anything after I binged, and did consume all my water.

Where did it start? Looking at it from the prospective of my Steps, it started about 3 days ago as we neared a very important anniversary date: Birthday, actually, of my nephews/godsons and 9th anniversary of meeting my daughter for the first time (she was 8 then). My sister and I have been emotionally moving away from each other for several months, after being extremely close for several years. We both brought kids into our lives at the same time, and it bonded us deeply. We shared a business together, and then she chose to move out of that into another business. And so the sense of loss began. It's a good thing for her (and for me) -- I am happy she's happy -- but for me it triggered more loss and grief. Loosing the my sister (feeling she "chose" to include someone else but not me because of MY boundaries), the death of our therapist, working not one but now TWO businesses concurrently and learning how to do that, challenges with being a parent of a teen, looking at a big move, money, trying "so hard" to Let Go, Let God, working my program and promising to start my 1st Step ... and so on and so on and so on. All of it cumulatively led to REALLY making the choice to hide the pain and eat.

There is a place in me that just wants to climb under the grass and hide, like pulling nature over me like a silent blanket.

There is also a place of Knowing that making choices like I did yesterday doesn't change a damn thing. Duh. This morning ALL the feelings are still there about everything -- and on top of it is the sadness that I chose to eat instead of using The Nine Tools of Recovery: ( http://www.oa.org/newcomers/tools-of-recovery/ )

A Plan of Eating
Sponsorship
Meetings
Telephone
Writing
Literature
Action Plan
Anonymity
Service

I'd listened to an OA CD on Abstinence... I did make a couple of calls and texts -- after. I did think of calling my Sponsor -- but I'd met with her yesterday and I didn't want to additionally "bother her". The call I made was busy and will call me today (we ARE allowed to have our own lives and say "I can't at this moment". The text I sent was not returned. I could have made another call. I could have picked up a book. I could have turned the car around and I could have gone to bed. And First and Foremost -- I COULD HAVE ASKED GOD FOR HELP. I could have done ANYTHING except eat. But I didn't.

In this moment, today, I have a choice. I can continue down the path of self destruction OR I can use my Program to heal. I took a 30 minute walk today with an OA friend and even took my crazy dog, who was pretty good on the walk and took the "edge" off her too. I also made a commitment to my Step Sponsor yesterday that I would complete the question she sent me nearly a month ago to start working the 1st Step. And, after today, that IS a priority. The weight loss scares me -- puts me out there for all to see and it's also a part of my business, so I'm "showcasing" the weight loss as well. Double Out There. I've already started reading and writing for the day and will pick both of those tools up again this afternoon as a building block to abstinence.

Hope lies within this fellowship. Within all of you. Because NOWHERE is there ANYWHERE where people "live" and understand HOW (Honest Openminded Willingness) this program and this dis-ease works.
:flowerforyou:

Thanks so much for posting PtownMama your "3 day binge". Your post is comforting as i could have written it. Its good to know I am not alone.

Your "going off the rails" is exactly the same phrase that ive been using over many years. I have today joined this forum, as I am on holiday and had time to reflect on my life, health and eating. My over eating has created in me an angry person towards my husband, hating myself for being this way and angry that I keep forgetting that I have this problem.

I used to be slim and very attractive in my 20s but have systematically destroyed that by ongoing over-eating. I live in London and I am 47 years old and now weigh nearly 14 stones and in the "obese category". I should have a PHD with all the diet books that I have read and studied, but realistically the past 15 or so years i have failed to control my eating and my weight.

I use excuses "too busy to cook/too busy to shop" so eat out frequently and then comfort eat chocolate variations (cakes/ice cream) then feel horrible.

Another weakness is not knowing when to stop eating.

I am on holiday now and other people are preparing my meals so I can't control anything. My abstinance for today is to only eat what I need and no more. No extras. No "ice cream" or "biscuits" and "cakes" being constantly offered, ive been eating everything ive been given so far. My average calorie intake of 2,700 ish daily. Leading me into bad sleep, unhappiness, anger and frustration. I want today to be my "hope" and "happiness" a "release" from this "grip".