People Assuming You are Straight
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I always hate the question of "what type of men are you interested in?" I usually catch people off guard by saying that I haven't decided yet. It really confuses them, and I get a good laugh. To be honest, I'm not interested in any men whatsoever. Sometimes I feel like if I'm not wearing plaid or baggy shorts that I'm classified as straight. There is nothing straight about me.0
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People aren't usually sure of how to label me until they get to know me. I wear my hair shaved pretty tight to my skull most of the time. But I love pink and dresses. I am rarely without earrings or a necklace, but they are often brightly colored. I have children that I bore, but I am marrying a woman. I like lace panties, but they are often found under cargo shorts... But no one doubts who I love when they see me with my lady.0
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You can't let people's assumptions dictate your patience. They don't mean any harm honey, it's a societal norm to ask such things like that. Because the gay rights movement is still in progress. And I understand why you'd be annoyed, because you feel the need to explain yourself, and your significant other. And I explaining to a stranger, as taboo, and closed minded some people can be towards the issue, it can be a little frightening. But, the only solution to this irritation, is to remind yourself, it's what society has bread people to think. Just be honest, and straightforward, if they are prejudice, well that's the way they feel, we all have a right to feel a certain way, no matter how ratical it may seem. They don't know you, and they don't know how you feel. So don't let them wear you thin. Your life is to precious, and especially to your honey at home.
Cheers.0 -
There is a great spoken piece by Levi about the plight of the invisible femme.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q7IzwUa_kI
I often feel invisible to the LGBT and straight community. While my butch girlfriend is always known and seen. It can hurt my feelers sometimes, but I know who I am and eventually they will figure it out too.
Amen sister
I out myself CONSTANTLY. And I have such fun with it. And I use people's surprise to turn their opinions back on themselves. And I refuse to be invisible. I came out late (29) and it was, and is, such a joyous thing for me that I don't want people to assume I am straight. In my last 2 job interviews I have made it clear I am gay - references to 'my girlfriend' generally help - because I don't want to work anywhere that can't cope with the whole me.
That being said I don't go around skipping and waving a rainbow flag - i just talk as I would talk if I was going out with a man.
I had more visibility when I was part of a butch-femme couple - I;m not saying I had more acceptance from either the straight or the LGBTQ community - but I was more visible. I like being visible 0 -
Being a femme lesbian, I am assumed to be straight constantly. I also get solicited by men a lot, and they usually don't respect boundaries.
"You're gay? I don't believe you. You're too beautiful."
"No, no, I don't want anything...I just wanna hang with you, beautiful."
"You just haven't met the right guy yet. Give me a chance."
"That's hot...especially since you're hot."
"Prove it. Make out with your friend over there."
It also gets bad because since I am feminine and, according to them, "straight", they assume that they can put their hands on me. Bad idea.
I've had men touch my thighs, wrap their arms around my waist from behind, put their arm around my shoulders, try to take me to places by grabbing my hands/wrists/arms...the list goes on.
This also turns into an issue for feminine women who actually ARE straight. Just because women get dressed and go out DOES NOT MEAN You have the right to put your hands on us or get in our personal space. No, I am NOT asking for it. You're just being disgusting.
But anyway, back to the point. Yes, femme lesbians do suffer a form of "societal erasure" because of the heteronormative tendencies which with we were raised. It's sad but true.0 -
When my partner and I got married we went to a restaurant with some close friends afterwards. We had booked champagne etc for upon our arrival and when we got there, the head waiter handed a glass of champagne to me and the other to.... a random bloke who just happened to walk in after us. He looked very pleased until our best woman took it from him saying, 'sorry love, that's for the lezzas', before handing it to my OH! I wouldn't mind but I was holding her hand at the time...0
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It also happens to me all the time. I normally do not speak about the gender of my partner, I'm spanish, so it is not so difficult, but when anyone makes a direct question about my "boyfriend", I just correct them. It is like you have to come out every day, but I don't care, I just say it as naturally as I live it, slowly people will start forgetting stereotypes and we will all be considered bisexuals.
The response normally is : "Oooh, you don't look like a lesbian" And I think "Oh sorry, where is the lesbian looking manual?"0 -
For some reason, people think my partner and I look alike. We don't see it, but maybe all 50's guys with glasses, white beard and bald all look alike.
In March we were flying through LAX for a weekend in Palm Springs, when this lady about our age approached me as our luggage was coming in on the carousel. She commented on how much we looked alike. Then she asked "is he your twin brother".
"Nope. He's my lover".
I'm not sure if the paramedics got there in time to save her or not.
But we were gone by then anyway.
A lady once asked my wife if her and I were sisters. Unfortunately, I was in an different aisle of the store so I couldn't see the lady's face when my wife said, "No, he's my husband." =P0 -
I recall years ago when I went to a fortune teller with a female friend, just for fun. The fortune teller looked at my palm and said that I recently broke up with a girlfriend. All I could do was laugh. I don't think I'm the most straight-acting person (whatever that might mean), so I couldn't understand why her gaydar wasn't working!0
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What I hate more than people assuming I'm straight is people telling me I'm mistaken or lying when they find out I'm not... I was in a serious straight relationship for a couple of years so I can understand the confusion, being bisexual doesn't seem to be given the same seriousness as being 100% one way or the other, but I actually had a friend accuse me of 'faking my sexuality' to get out of my straight relationship and it made me so frustrated! I was like yeah, you must be right... in fact I had been planning this exit strategy for so long that I came out two years before I got together with the guy! Grrr.0
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Amen!!0
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This thread has been a real education for me... I'm afraid I have been guilty of assuming people I meet are straight... but in my defense, that is because I am straight. I think that's why, anyway. I also tend to think people I am just meeting are like me in other ways as well, which is also not always the case. And that can be and has been deucedly awkward at times...
I had no idea it was something considered offensive, so I apologize for all the times I've done that. I actually don't put a whole lot of energy into somebody's sexual orientation... it's just not that important to me. I'm not looking for any kind of relationship (I'm in one already, with no desire to change that), so I'm more interested in what people are about than the relative plumbing of who they love or are attracted to.
It's easier now than it used to be. I've been an Ally for longer than I knew the term existed. I've seen the culture evolve from people hiding it entirely, to coming out to close friends only, to the pronoun game (when talking about their boy / girl friend, using terms like "they"), to saying "my partner" to where we are now.
So, sorry for the ramble, and thank you to you all for the education. Anybody here like dual sport riding? :happy:0 -
While I completely understand your frustration. (the only people who know I am a lesbian are those I tell. I don't even tip finely honed gaydar off.) Keep in mind that it isn't the straights fault. We as a community have hidden, pretending to be straight for generations. I am 43 and it has only been in my life time that we have gone from being carted off to mental hospitals or arrested to having full rights in 13 states. I personally have only been "out" for 12 years because it just wasn't safe. In fact my partner was fired for marrying a woman just 12 year ago!
All that to say, that when it happens to me I realize that I have given them no reason to believe that I am not straight.0 -
It doesn't bother me that someone would assume I'm straight. It's reasonable since most women identify as straight. What I don't like is the response I usually get when I tell them: "You don't look gay at all." Said with a big smile like they're paying me a compliment.0
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I actually had this problem A LOT in college, and still do outside of it. I am an LGBT Ally and otherwise don't talk about my "preference" in gender/sex to anyone. People see me supporting and volunteering at LGBT/PRIDE events and I also speak frequently about equality and human rights to others, in general. So I can understand there possibly being some "confusion" in that respect, however I still don't understand why the assumption is made. If they were asking because of a romantic interest, I could understand, but that is almost never the case.
When going out to restaurants or other venues, I've often had people ask me if my best friend was my girlfriend, ask us how long we have been together, or put our tabs together and suggest we are a "cute couple" instead of asking if we would prefer separate checks. We aren't a couple, we don't act like a couple, there isn't some kind of obnoxious giggling and flirtatious behavior going on that might suggest that, either. In fact, we are both straight.
Why should it matter what my preference is as it pertains to my personal life? I wish more people would just stop ASSUMING generalizations about others. Can't they find something else to discuss in an attempt to "relate" to me? Perhaps the top I'm wearing? Or my shoes? Sheesh!!!
Also, in response to some of the previous posts; I know it will take some time for people to adjust to a more PC way of referring to couples; but I'm definitely getting a bit impatient with the ignorance. Unfortunately, I don't think we will be alive for the day that people stop generalizing and making assumptions about people.
All we can do is stay positive and avert the ignorance!!
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I go through this all the time. People at work know I have a daughter so they assume I am married to a man lol. But when they see me with my GF they get so surprised. I have had people at work stop talking to me because of this, Except on Fridays when they need to get their check lol. I never take the time to explain to them they can find out on their own when they see us together. But it can be uncomfortable when they start asking all these question like they really need to know lol0
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While I completely understand your frustration. (the only people who know I am a lesbian are those I tell. I don't even tip finely honed gaydar off.) Keep in mind that it isn't the straights fault. We as a community have hidden, pretending to be straight for generations. I am 43 and it has only been in my life time that we have gone from being carted off to mental hospitals or arrested to having full rights in 13 states. I personally have only been "out" for 12 years because it just wasn't safe. In fact my partner was fired for marrying a woman just 12 year ago!
All that to say, that when it happens to me I realize that I have given them no reason to believe that I am not straight.
This lady is spot on!
I'm a little surprised by this post. the vast majority of people are in fact straight so why shouldn't they presume we are. I think it is up to us to tell them we are gay. If they presume you are straight then no worries and yeah maybe we aren't the stereotype flaming homo they expect us all to be, but that stereotype is also there for a reason, not saying flaming is the majority but it is the brightest and loudest!!
Also, I'm grateful that, considering the politics of today internationally, we can openly correct people, and when I have done in the past it's all good, but maybe I'm lucky to be surrounded by the good people of England’s green and pleasant land!0 -
While I completely understand your frustration. (the only people who know I am a lesbian are those I tell. I don't even tip finely honed gaydar off.) Keep in mind that it isn't the straights fault. We as a community have hidden, pretending to be straight for generations. I am 43 and it has only been in my life time that we have gone from being carted off to mental hospitals or arrested to having full rights in 13 states. I personally have only been "out" for 12 years because it just wasn't safe. In fact my partner was fired for marrying a woman just 12 year ago!
All that to say, that when it happens to me I realize that I have given them no reason to believe that I am not straight.
This lady is spot on!
I'm a little surprised by this post. the vast majority of people are in fact straight so why shouldn't they presume we are. I think it is up to us to tell them we are gay. If they presume you are straight then no worries and yeah maybe we aren't the stereotype flaming homo they expect us all to be, but that stereotype is also there for a reason, not saying flaming is the majority but it is the brightest and loudest!!
Also, I'm grateful that, considering the politics of today internationally, we can openly correct people, and when I have done in the past it's all good, but maybe I'm lucky to be surrounded by the good people of England’s green and pleasant land!
I think that's kind of a limited view. You ask the question about why they shouldn't presume that we are (straight). Well, they shouldn't presume we are because they shouldn't presume that we're gay or straight (or anything else regarding sexual orientation) necessarily. That assumption serves no purpose other than to draw lines in the sand. All it does is provide an opportunity for the LGBT community to either have 'that conversation' yet again or stay quiet about who they are ( a tiny shove back into a closet). It's not the worst thing ever. It's far less immediately harmful than a baseball to my head or being threatened with getting curb stomped, but little things do add up.
By the same token, I'm not going to assume every man in a gay bar is in fact gay despite the fact that the odds are in my favor doing so.
That said, I understand why people do it. Society is in a period of transition. Language patterns in particular are going to take some time to adjust. That doesn't make it less irritating, though. Generally speaking, it's probably polite to not make assumptions about other people's love lives.0 -
I have the same problem. I have learnt to live with it. I love seeing peoples faces when I say my parnter is female. They dont know where to look or what to say.0
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I don't care if people think I'm straight or gay. I am what I am. I teach adults, so slowly ease them that into the knowledge that I'm gay. This year somebody (a younger student) dropped the "that's so gay!" comment about something - probably to another student - so I piped up from the front of the class "My wife is gay!" Bahahaha! Some looked shocked, some went "ahhh" as if there assumption had been proven true, and others didn't notice. Such is life!0
