feminine presenting lesbians are in an empowered situation to help break stereotypes of gay women. .. i like having the opportunity to make people consider their initial reactions and expectations. and if they start to see that what they expect isn't always what is, even better.

YES! Thanks, Wendy. I never thought of it quite this way, and I feel empowered! :drinker:

I have this a ton too. Most of the people I have dated have been female or trans, and I am bisexual or pansexual or whatever, but I ended up marrying a cisgendered guy and we have kids. Plus, we live in the suburbs which are extra obnoxiously heteroassumptive. Its not the life I would have predicted I'd end up living, to be honest, but its a great life for me, and that's the main thing.

I'm a pretty private person in general and I don't really relish making a show of my identity and I am so super sick of "educating" people, but I try to do so insofar as I am comfortable. I think it's probably pretty good to do in terms of society and stuff. Like, if we want to eventually not have to do that, or have some future generation not have to do that, we're unfortunately stuck doing it some now. But hey -- my generation (I'm 35) has it so much easier because of the much more difficult crap the generation before me was brave enough to endure and do, so I try to pull my weight even though I almost always feel waaaay grumpy about it.

Congrats on your engagement! I hope everything is awesome on your big day. I threw out my back two days before and could barely walk and if I had had any painkillers it would have been almost like the wedding from 16 Candles except in the woods in Vermont with the owner of the land getting stoned and shouting about how we had to consummate the marriage and accidentally wrong playlist got turned on post ceremony the first song that played was a really dirty punk song which I think only my grandmother actually noticed, but it was still super fun.

Anyway -- super relating to your annoyance, and the reasons behind it, but don't let it pressure you into the closet or anywhere else. Being who you really are, and telling it like it is, is always a huge PITA, and always worth it.

For some reason, people think my partner and I look alike. We don't see it, but maybe all 50's guys with glasses, white beard and bald all look alike.

In March we were flying through LAX for a weekend in Palm Springs, when this lady about our age approached me as our luggage was coming in on the carousel. She commented on how much we looked alike. Then she asked "is he your twin brother".

"Nope. He's my lover".

I'm not sure if the paramedics got there in time to save her or not.

But we were gone by then anyway.

It happened again today. We were out shopping and the clerk asked if we were brothers. What in the hell is it that makes someone ask a stranger if they are related to the person they are with? I just told her we were partners this time and moved on. But this is getting really annoying. It's happened far too often. Just an annoying little thing we put up with I guess. But it does get tiresome.

In my world everyone is gay... period. I feel that the only reason we have straight people is to have them babies. I even had that as a movie idea a few years back. A community where everyone is gay and the straight people are used in factories to make babies. I call it The Procreators. People just don't know what they like until they try it. Now no I am not judging straight people and Im not telling them how to live but be honest aren't you just the least bit curious? This side is a bit tempting. We've got rainbows, butterflies, parades, and some pretty sexy people. Besides chicks can do anything a guy can but a whole lot better :happy:

And for guys I guess guys do it better I wouldn't know but I dont want to seem sexist either.

In my world everyone is gay... period. I feel that the only reason we have straight people is to have them babies. I even had that as a movie idea a few years back. A community where everyone is gay and the straight people are used in factories to make babies. I call it The Procreators. People just don't know what they like until they try it. Now no I am not judging straight people and Im not telling them how to live but be honest aren't you just the least bit curious? This side is a bit tempting. We've got rainbows, butterflies, parades, and some pretty sexy people. Besides chicks can do anything a guy can but a whole lot better :happy:

And for guys I guess guys do it better I wouldn't know but I dont want to seem sexist either.

Good movie idea. I always wondered what it would be like if the majority of the world was gay.

People aren't usually sure of how to label me until they get to know me. I wear my hair shaved pretty tight to my skull most of the time. But I love pink and dresses. I am rarely without earrings or a necklace, but they are often brightly colored. I have children that I bore, but I am marrying a woman. I like lace panties, but they are often found under cargo shorts... But no one doubts who I love when they see me with my lady.

There is a great spoken piece by Levi about the plight of the invisible femme.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Q7IzwUa_kI

I often feel invisible to the LGBT and straight community. While my butch girlfriend is always known and seen. It can hurt my feelers sometimes, but I know who I am and eventually they will figure it out too.

Amen sister

I out myself CONSTANTLY. And I have such fun with it. And I use people's surprise to turn their opinions back on themselves. And I refuse to be invisible. I came out late (29) and it was, and is, such a joyous thing for me that I don't want people to assume I am straight. In my last 2 job interviews I have made it clear I am gay - references to 'my girlfriend' generally help - because I don't want to work anywhere that can't cope with the whole me.

That being said I don't go around skipping and waving a rainbow flag - i just talk as I would talk if I was going out with a man.

I had more visibility when I was part of a butch-femme couple - I;m not saying I had more acceptance from either the straight or the LGBTQ community - but I was more visible. I like being visible

When my partner and I got married we went to a restaurant with some close friends afterwards. We had booked champagne etc for upon our arrival and when we got there, the head waiter handed a glass of champagne to me and the other to.... a random bloke who just happened to walk in after us. He looked very pleased until our best woman took it from him saying, 'sorry love, that's for the lezzas', before handing it to my OH! I wouldn't mind but I was holding her hand at the time...

For some reason, people think my partner and I look alike. We don't see it, but maybe all 50's guys with glasses, white beard and bald all look alike.

In March we were flying through LAX for a weekend in Palm Springs, when this lady about our age approached me as our luggage was coming in on the carousel. She commented on how much we looked alike. Then she asked "is he your twin brother".

"Nope. He's my lover".

I'm not sure if the paramedics got there in time to save her or not.

But we were gone by then anyway.

A lady once asked my wife if her and I were sisters. Unfortunately, I was in an different aisle of the store so I couldn't see the lady's face when my wife said, "No, he's my husband." =P

What I hate more than people assuming I'm straight is people telling me I'm mistaken or lying when they find out I'm not... I was in a serious straight relationship for a couple of years so I can understand the confusion, being bisexual doesn't seem to be given the same seriousness as being 100% one way or the other, but I actually had a friend accuse me of 'faking my sexuality' to get out of my straight relationship and it made me so frustrated! I was like yeah, you must be right... in fact I had been planning this exit strategy for so long that I came out two years before I got together with the guy! Grrr.

This thread has been a real education for me... I'm afraid I have been guilty of assuming people I meet are straight... but in my defense, that is because I am straight. I think that's why, anyway. I also tend to think people I am just meeting are like me in other ways as well, which is also not always the case. And that can be and has been deucedly awkward at times...

I had no idea it was something considered offensive, so I apologize for all the times I've done that. I actually don't put a whole lot of energy into somebody's sexual orientation... it's just not that important to me. I'm not looking for any kind of relationship (I'm in one already, with no desire to change that), so I'm more interested in what people are about than the relative plumbing of who they love or are attracted to.

It's easier now than it used to be. I've been an Ally for longer than I knew the term existed. I've seen the culture evolve from people hiding it entirely, to coming out to close friends only, to the pronoun game (when talking about their boy / girl friend, using terms like "they"), to saying "my partner" to where we are now.

So, sorry for the ramble, and thank you to you all for the education. Anybody here like dual sport riding? :happy:

It doesn't bother me that someone would assume I'm straight. It's reasonable since most women identify as straight. What I don't like is the response I usually get when I tell them: "You don't look gay at all." Said with a big smile like they're paying me a compliment.

I go through this all the time. People at work know I have a daughter so they assume I am married to a man lol. But when they see me with my GF they get so surprised. I have had people at work stop talking to me because of this, Except on Fridays when they need to get their check lol. I never take the time to explain to them they can find out on their own when they see us together. But it can be uncomfortable when they start asking all these question like they really need to know lol

While I completely understand your frustration. (the only people who know I am a lesbian are those I tell. I don't even tip finely honed gaydar off.) Keep in mind that it isn't the straights fault. We as a community have hidden, pretending to be straight for generations. I am 43 and it has only been in my life time that we have gone from being carted off to mental hospitals or arrested to having full rights in 13 states. I personally have only been "out" for 12 years because it just wasn't safe. In fact my partner was fired for marrying a woman just 12 year ago!

All that to say, that when it happens to me I realize that I have given them no reason to believe that I am not straight.

This lady is spot on!

I'm a little surprised by this post. the vast majority of people are in fact straight so why shouldn't they presume we are. I think it is up to us to tell them we are gay. If they presume you are straight then no worries and yeah maybe we aren't the stereotype flaming homo they expect us all to be, but that stereotype is also there for a reason, not saying flaming is the majority but it is the brightest and loudest!!

Also, I'm grateful that, considering the politics of today internationally, we can openly correct people, and when I have done in the past it's all good, but maybe I'm lucky to be surrounded by the good people of England’s green and pleasant land!

I think that's kind of a limited view. You ask the question about why they shouldn't presume that we are (straight). Well, they shouldn't presume we are because they shouldn't presume that we're gay or straight (or anything else regarding sexual orientation) necessarily. That assumption serves no purpose other than to draw lines in the sand. All it does is provide an opportunity for the LGBT community to either have 'that conversation' yet again or stay quiet about who they are ( a tiny shove back into a closet). It's not the worst thing ever. It's far less immediately harmful than a baseball to my head or being threatened with getting curb stomped, but little things do add up.

By the same token, I'm not going to assume every man in a gay bar is in fact gay despite the fact that the odds are in my favor doing so.

That said, I understand why people do it. Society is in a period of transition. Language patterns in particular are going to take some time to adjust. That doesn't make it less irritating, though. Generally speaking, it's probably polite to not make assumptions about other people's love lives.

I don't care if people think I'm straight or gay. I am what I am. I teach adults, so slowly ease them that into the knowledge that I'm gay. This year somebody (a younger student) dropped the "that's so gay!" comment about something - probably to another student - so I piped up from the front of the class "My wife is gay!" Bahahaha! Some looked shocked, some went "ahhh" as if there assumption had been proven true, and others didn't notice. Such is life!