Men acting hot and cold
veggiehottie
Posts: 590 Member
Why do some guys totally pursue you one week and then the next week act like they don't care?
I am seeing someone like that right now. He will have a week of great communication (him emailing multiple times in a day, wanting to hang out with me, etc.). So then I think things are moving forward, and I reciprocate. And then bam! He just stops. His replies to my emails become short (although he still responds).
He has done this multiple times over the past few months. It drives me bonkers. When things are good, they are goooood. But then he confuses the heck out of me other times. Is he just no interested? Confused?
I am seeing someone like that right now. He will have a week of great communication (him emailing multiple times in a day, wanting to hang out with me, etc.). So then I think things are moving forward, and I reciprocate. And then bam! He just stops. His replies to my emails become short (although he still responds).
He has done this multiple times over the past few months. It drives me bonkers. When things are good, they are goooood. But then he confuses the heck out of me other times. Is he just no interested? Confused?
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I think I read once that men need to pull away when they get too close. Something to do with feeling overwhelmed and putting the brakes on. I think the metaphor was they are like elastic bands!! :laugh:
I wouldnt worry about it until he pulls away for good
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So then I think things are moving forward, and I reciprocate.
It sounds like you're doing the same thing but your cycles are off. He pursues, you show no interest. As he gives up, you begin to show interest.0 -
I do believe we pull away at times. If I feel really close to someone, my walls want to come up so I'll withdraw for a bit but I don't think it's majorly noticed.
I think it can be normal but if you're feeling left confused, neglected, etc then I would say he's not that into you especially if he's doing this often.
It should be easy. It shouldn't have to be "figured out".0 -
So then I think things are moving forward, and I reciprocate.
It sounds like you're doing the same thing but your cycles are off. He pursues, you show no interest. As he gives up, you begin to show interest.
Oh no, I do reciprocate also. It is just that I will continue reciprocating and he stops. It gets me wondering if I reciprocate TOO much. lol
Thanks Annapixie! Here's hoping!!! I guess I just worry it is more like Tube_socks says. I don't like trying to figure it out. It actually kinda sucks. He is the first guy I've known who does this. Do I give him space? Continue doing what I am doing?0 -
He is the first guy I've known who does this. Do I give him space? Continue doing what I am doing?
Why wouldn't you just talk to him??0 -
He is the first guy I've known who does this. Do I give him space? Continue doing what I am doing?
Why wouldn't you just talk to him??
I just wanted to let everyone know that this man here is NOT SINGLE. Carry on.0 -
You should probably ask him this question.0
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You should probably ask him this question.
Yes, I agree. Should pull up the big girl panties.
It is just that we have only been dating for a few months. And are nowhere close to being exclusive. I would hate to come off as needy and scare the guy away because I REALLY like him.0 -
Wait... Let me see if I'm getting this...
You've been seeing him for MONTHS
But you're NOT EVEN REMOTELY exclusive
You REALLY like him.
Which leads me to ask:
1. Have you asked him if he is seeing other people?
2. You want to be exclusive. It's obvious. So, ask him if what he's looking for with you? Tell him you'd like to know where you two are headed if anywhere...
**I quit here. Being single and giving advice is probably dumb. So I'll just stop. *LOL*0 -
You should probably ask him this question.
Yes, I agree. Should pull up the big girl panties.
It is just that we have only been dating for a few months. And are nowhere close to being exclusive. I would hate to come off as needy and scare the guy away because I REALLY like him.
If you don't talk to him, then things will stay the same way.
You're both grown ups, act like it.0 -
You should probably ask him this question.
Yes, I agree. Should pull up the big girl panties.
It is just that we have only been dating for a few months. And are nowhere close to being exclusive. I would hate to come off as needy and scare the guy away because I REALLY like him.
If you don't talk to him, then things will stay the same way.
You're both grown ups, act like it.
Standing up for what you want/need in a relationship or when there is confusion is not needy. It's how you approach it, IMO!
I have dated a few guys like this and I realized in the end we just weren't compatible.
I dated a guy for 9 months who would pull away HARD atleast once a month, at work the ladies and I used to laugh and say he was manstrating hehe. Other times he was just never available to hang out and even after 9 months if I saw him 2 times a week I was lucky. After I found out he was a gambling addict I realized that he would back off after pay day...
Not saying by any means that your guy has an issue like this, just my story!0 -
He is the first guy I've known who does this. Do I give him space? Continue doing what I am doing?
Why wouldn't you just talk to him??
I just wanted to let everyone know that this man here is NOT SINGLE. Carry on.
We have had peeps in this group that started out single and no longer are and vice versa. Heck, we've had married folks in here before as well. .0 -
Couple ideas... as said above, it could be the cycle of withdrawl-attachment. Also, my friend's dad runs a dating advice website and he says that when a man runs hot and cold you should interpret that as (in reality) cold.
Um... wait... now I'm confused...who's not single? Team Jason (if so, well played Bouquet of Kittens haha... we'll stay away from him) or the OP's friend...if the OPs friend ok that's probably why, lol!0 -
I think I read once that men need to pull away when they get too close. Something to do with feeling overwhelmed and putting the brakes on. I think the metaphor was they are like elastic bands!! :laugh:
I wouldnt worry about it until he pulls away for good
Anna, I often wonder if this is the reality as it happens to me too, or where I am the common denominator, if its me.0 -
I think I read once that men need to pull away when they get too close. Something to do with feeling overwhelmed and putting the brakes on. I think the metaphor was they are like elastic bands!! :laugh:
I wouldnt worry about it until he pulls away for good
Anna, I often wonder if this is the reality as it happens to me too, or where I am the common denominator, if its me.
Hmmm! Well, I think it depends on the guy. But in your case Raige, I think if it's happening every time then you need to soul search a bit? They may be pulling away cos they find you too intense? Too much, too soon? Too needy? I dont really know, but the 'elastic band' comment was more for men in relationships, rather than just a few dates.
I think I read it in the Mars v Venus books? Long time ago now, but I think it makes sense as men are more inclined to back off and assess their emotions and keep them in check, whereas women are just emotional train wrecks, most of the time!! :laugh:0 -
He is the first guy I've known who does this. Do I give him space? Continue doing what I am doing?
Why wouldn't you just talk to him??
I just wanted to let everyone know that this man here is NOT SINGLE. Carry on.
Wait, are you talking about the guy in the OP's situation or about the person commenting? If the latter, does that make his opinion any less valid?0 -
If we weren't on opposite ends of the country, I'd swear we were dating the same guy. Mine has been an ongoing hot/cold thing for almost two years. He just recently confessed that he was juggling multiple girls for "quite a while." Now, I am the one that has gone cold and he is pursuing again....on and off. Jury is still out on if I give him a second chance, but leaning toward no.0
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If we weren't on opposite ends of the country, I'd swear we were dating the same guy. Mine has been an ongoing hot/cold thing for almost two years. He just recently confessed that he was juggling multiple girls for "quite a while." Now, I am the one that has gone cold and he is pursuing again....on and off. Jury is still out on if I give him a second chance, but leaning toward no.
NO! I'd run ... as fast as you can ... and then log your running calories! In all seriousness ... for almost 2 years ... someone like that doesn't deserve a second chance. 0 -
I think I read once that men need to pull away when they get too close. Something to do with feeling overwhelmed and putting the brakes on. I think the metaphor was they are like elastic bands!! :laugh:
I wouldnt worry about it until he pulls away for good
Anna, I often wonder if this is the reality as it happens to me too, or where I am the common denominator, if its me.
Hmmm! Well, I think it depends on the guy. But in your case Raige, I think if it's happening every time then you need to soul search a bit? They may be pulling away cos they find you too intense? Too much, too soon? Too needy? I dont really know, but the 'elastic band' comment was more for men in relationships, rather than just a few dates.
I think I read it in the Mars v Venus books? Long time ago now, but I think it makes sense as men are more inclined to back off and assess their emotions and keep them in check, whereas women are just emotional train wrecks, most of the time!! :laugh:
Anna, as I soul search more and more, I discover things about myself that men probably don't like. I have a very hard time letting a man pay my way on a date ... I hate it in fact. I like to pay my own ... probably a side effect of being single without really dating for 10 years prior to my last relationship ... I'm very independent. I am also one of those girls who likes to take care of her man ... I like to cook for him, give massages (not all the time obviously) ... little things like that. I have read on numerous dating advice sites that it is very emasculating to a man for a woman who wants to go dutch on date, and that being too attentive to a mans needs makes him feel like he is being mothered which is not attractive to him. My issue is going to be if I can put myself out of my comfort zone and allow the man to be the man, for lack of a better way of saying it.0 -
He is the first guy I've known who does this. Do I give him space? Continue doing what I am doing?
Why wouldn't you just talk to him??
I hate to say it but you have to tell him. In a non accusing, very platonic way.It's up to him whether he chooses to do something diffrent or keep on keepin on.0 -
I think I read once that men need to pull away when they get too close. Something to do with feeling overwhelmed and putting the brakes on. I think the metaphor was they are like elastic bands!! :laugh:
I wouldnt worry about it until he pulls away for good
Anna, I often wonder if this is the reality as it happens to me too, or where I am the common denominator, if its me.
Hmmm! Well, I think it depends on the guy. But in your case Raige, I think if it's happening every time then you need to soul search a bit? They may be pulling away cos they find you too intense? Too much, too soon? Too needy? I dont really know, but the 'elastic band' comment was more for men in relationships, rather than just a few dates.
I think I read it in the Mars v Venus books? Long time ago now, but I think it makes sense as men are more inclined to back off and assess their emotions and keep them in check, whereas women are just emotional train wrecks, most of the time!! :laugh:
Anna, as I soul search more and more, I discover things about myself that men probably don't like. I have a very hard time letting a man pay my way on a date ... I hate it in fact. I like to pay my own ... probably a side effect of being single without really dating for 10 years prior to my last relationship ... I'm very independent. I am also one of those girls who likes to take care of her man ... I like to cook for him, give massages (not all the time obviously) ... little things like that. I have read on numerous dating advice sites that it is very emasculating to a man for a woman who wants to go dutch on date, and that being too attentive to a mans needs makes him feel like he is being mothered which is not attractive to him. My issue is going to be if I can put myself out of my comfort zone and allow the man to be the man, for lack of a better way of saying it.
How funny! (not in a funny way! but this happened to me on Friday!! The guy took me for a meal and he went to the men's room just as the bill came. I looked at the bill and naturally took out half of the amount and put the cash on the table, with the bill. He came back and said "what's that?" and pushed my £20 note back to me. I said "It's okay, I'll pay my half". He said:
"I've never be so offended in all my life. I invited you out. I'm paying!"
I put my money away!! :blushing:
I am with you Raige. I've been single a very long time and I'm always going to think independently. As it turns out, this is the kind of guy that doesn't want Ms Independent.......at all.....:brokenheart:0 -
he's not into you as much as you are into him and he's probably seeing other people which is completely OK since you've not had any conversations about exclusivity.
i think these issues come up when women assume that they are in an exclusive relationship when in fact they arent. and length of time in the relationship is no guarantee of exclusivity either until you've had the conversation. i've known people who have "dated" guys for close to 5 years only to find out his off and on behavior was based on him dating other people, going back to the first one until someone new came along and then the first one ended up getting dumped because hes actually met someone he does want to spend the rest of his life with and not just someone to hold him over until then.
the thing to remember is that YOU have to be in charge of YOUR boundaries and YOUR expectations. if you fing that you arent treated the way YOU want to be treated dont leave it up to the guy to make changes, since no one owes you anything, regardless of how many months/years you've been dating. YOU are the master of your own emotional well being. when you start treating yourself with respect oddly enough the people you find yourself in relationships with will mirror that0 -
He is the first guy I've known who does this. Do I give him space? Continue doing what I am doing?
Why wouldn't you just talk to him??
I just wanted to let everyone know that this man here is NOT SINGLE. Carry on.
Wait, are you talking about the guy in the OP's situation or about the person commenting? If the latter, does that make his opinion any less valid?
His opinion is still valid, I am just saying that although he posts in the Single Peeps forum, he is not single. Ohh, and I am just here to mark my territory. Tyler MINE!0 -
Sometimes people have sh[url]it going on in their life that affects their motivation to see and talk to other people.
I agree with many posts above. There is absolutely no way to answer this one.
Ask him. But work it into the middle of a conversation sandwiched between some positive statements.
Then report back.
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He's emotionally unavailable and is obviously stringing you a long for the ride. That's my opinion!0
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Sometimes people have sh[url]it going on in their life that affects their motivation to see and talk to other people.
I agree with many posts above. There is absolutely no way to answer this one.
Ask him. But work it into the middle of a conversation sandwiched between some positive statements.
Then report back.
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Apparently there HAD been something else ($$$, work) bothering him. It had nothing to do with me. I guess that is just how he handles things... BUT he has already done this a few times to me. Not sure I could handle that long-term.
Some other things that were brought up by you guys are red flags, I know. I like what Tube_socks says, that if it is confusing, or I have to wonder, then it is not right. I typically agree with that statement. It is just that when I am with him, I don't wonder. Things are beautitful. In fact, I have never met a person (friend/family/boyfriend) that I connect with and spend so much time easily with!.0 -
Apparently there HAD been something else ($$$, work) bothering him. It had nothing to do with me. I guess that is just how he handles things... BUT he has already done this a few times to me. Not sure I could handle that long-term.
Some other things that were brought up by you guys are red flags, I know. I like what Tube_socks says, that if it is confusing, or I have to wonder, then it is not right. I typically agree with that statement. It is just that when I am with him, I don't wonder. Things are beautitful. In fact, I have never met a person (friend/family/boyfriend) that I connect with and spend so much time easily with!.
You could let him know that it upsets you. Don't demand he change, just make him aware of how you feel about it. People can often be blind to how their actions affect others. Maybe it will make him look at things differently. Maybe not. But at least you can say you tried.
I can act that way. If I was made aware that it was hurting someone's feelings in a respectful way, I would work to change that if the relationship was important to me.
Just don't EXPECT anyone to change for you.0 -
Apparently there HAD been something else ($$$, work) bothering him. It had nothing to do with me. I guess that is just how he handles things... BUT he has already done this a few times to me. Not sure I could handle that long-term.
Some other things that were brought up by you guys are red flags, I know. I like what Tube_socks says, that if it is confusing, or I have to wonder, then it is not right. I typically agree with that statement. It is just that when I am with him, I don't wonder. Things are beautitful. In fact, I have never met a person (friend/family/boyfriend) that I connect with and spend so much time easily with!.
You could let him know that it upsets you. Don't demand he change, just make him aware of how you feel about it. People can often be blind to how their actions affect others. Maybe it will make him look at things differently. Maybe not. But at least you can say you tried.
I can act that way. If I was made aware that it was hurting someone's feelings in a respectful way, I would work to change that if the relationship was important to me.
Just don't EXPECT anyone to change for you.
I agree that you could approach it and use 'I felt this way' instead of 'you did'
My boyfriend of 4.5 months was super distant this past week and although he told me he was super stressed with work and even acknowledged he was being quiet and not talking much it still had a big effect on me. It was the first time I had ever experienced that, especially all week! and then of course with my past, you start to wonder if it was you.
I first caved and approached him asking if I had done something to upset him. Got the most sweet, perfect answer... but later on I told him how it affected me and he apologized. I said 'I don't like cranky Shawn much' haha we laughed. He said to me once when I was in an off mood 'I don't like mad Kim' so I used that because he would laugh from it.
Just be sensitive in your words. If you don't think you can live with it long term you have nothing to lose by addressing it.0 -
Hot and Cold = Cold. At least 90% of the time (I've done extensive research). Sure, there could be external issues (work, money, etc.). But even in those cases, guys that are very interested in a woman find ways to regularly stay connected. They know it's important.
Hot/Cold is usually the classic case of a guy that wants occasional sex (or at least the hope of sex), but has no desire to enter into a serious, long term relationship with the woman. So he steps up his "A" game when he's horny. It's very Darwinian.
You can talk to him, but he's not going to say, "It's because I occasionally want sex, and hence need to do the minimum to keep you as a viable option." Instead he'll make up some BS about work or money, hoping to buy a few more months of sex before you figure it all out.
Edit: just to be clear, everyone can have a bad day, or a bad week. Completely normal. I'm responding to the OP's dilemma of a man who is regularly on/off.
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Hot and Cold = Cold. At least 90% of the time (I've done extensive research). Sure, there could be external issues (work, money, etc.). But even in those cases, guys that are very interested in a woman find ways to regularly stay connected. They know it's important.
Hot/Cold is usually the classic case of a guy that wants occasional sex (or at least the hope of sex), but has no desire to enter into a serious, long term relationship with the woman. So he steps up his "A" game when he's horny. It's very Darwinian.
You can talk to him, but he's not going to say, "It's because I occasionally want sex, and hence need to do the minimum to keep you as a viable option." Instead he'll make up some BS about work or money, hoping to buy a few more months of sex before you figure it all out.
Edit: just to be clear, everyone can have a bad day, or a bad week. Completely normal. I'm responding to the OP's dilemma of a man who is regularly on/off.
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Yes, all of this.
You want to know why he's still pulling this crap after MONTHS of dating? Because you're still putting up with it. If he wanted to be exclusive, you'd be exclusive already. It's time to accept that you're never going to be more than someone he "hangs out with" on occasion. Or you could find some self-respect, end things, and move on. Either way.0
