Attention from guys
veggiehottie
Posts: 590 Member
Ok.
I was overweight/obese almost ALL of my life. Right now I am the smallest I have been since I was 14 years old.
Because I was so big, I never really dated. There were a few guys interested in me (started as friends) but even with them, I never felt comfortable enough to pursue anything.
But now! I am getting so much attention from men. It is funny. To be honest, I am not sure how to handle it!!! I am in this weird no-man's land where I just don't know what to do. I will be 37 in a few months but have the dating skills of a 14 year old. LOL.
Heeeeeelp! lol
I was overweight/obese almost ALL of my life. Right now I am the smallest I have been since I was 14 years old.
Because I was so big, I never really dated. There were a few guys interested in me (started as friends) but even with them, I never felt comfortable enough to pursue anything.
But now! I am getting so much attention from men. It is funny. To be honest, I am not sure how to handle it!!! I am in this weird no-man's land where I just don't know what to do. I will be 37 in a few months but have the dating skills of a 14 year old. LOL.
Heeeeeelp! lol
0
Replies
-
There is no book or manual. It's like anything else. You learn by getting out there and doing it. You'll learn about yourself. What you want. What you like. What you hate, etc. You'll also learn what you have to offer. You'll learn about others. Some guys are players. Some are nice. Some are indifferent. You'll like some who won't like you. You won't be interested in some who are interested in you. You won't like others who don't like you. You'll find some you like who also like you. Maybe things will work out maybe they won't.0
-
The only way to improve your dating "skills" is to practice. Go out ,have fun ,smile and learn. like DB said you'll learn alot rather quickly.0
-
I feel what you are going through. I just don't know how to react when I notice it from women and I don't always notice it either. I'm bad at picking up the attenion b/c frankly, when I was heavier I never got it. Plus girls for the most part, are much more subtle at it than boys.0
-
I feel what you are going through. I just don't know how to react when I notice it from women and I don't always notice it either. I'm bad at picking up the attenion b/c frankly, when I was heavier I never got it. Plus girls for the most part, are much more subtle at it than boys.
LOL only some of us.. I'm as sublte as a neon sign0 -
Demand lots of oral. Go to sleep when they stop. Act annoyed if they are still there when you wake up.0
-
Demand lots of oral. Go to sleep when they stop. Act annoyed if they are still there when you wake up.
Best Advice EVER!0 -
There is no book or manual. It's like anything else. You learn by getting out there and doing it. You'll learn about yourself. What you want. What you like. What you hate, etc. You'll also learn what you have to offer. You'll learn about others. Some guys are players. Some are nice. Some are indifferent. You'll like some who won't like you. You won't be interested in some who are interested in you. You won't like others who don't like you. You'll find some you like who also like you. Maybe things will work out maybe they won't.
Best dating assessment EVER!! :flowerforyou:0 -
Demand lots of oral. Go to sleep when they stop. Act annoyed if they are still there when you wake up.
You always make me laugh out loud!! :laugh:
I would add for the OPs benefit, that it's not a great idea to fall asleep 'during' the act. I dunno why but men get annoyed at that
0 -
Golden rule for the inexperienced : Don't sleep with the guy on the first date!.
That is all.0 -
Golden rule for the inexperienced : Don't sleep with the guy on the first date!.
That is all.
I know plenty of relationships that started with sex on the first date. You're just an old fashioned Romeo Mr!! :laugh:0 -
Golden rule for the inexperienced : Don't sleep with the guy on the first date!.
That is all.
I know plenty of relationships that started with sex on the first date. You're just an old fashioned Romeo Mr!! :laugh:
Maybe. . but you'll note the adjective "inexperienced". . I specifically said that because there is a learning curve, particularly for women, when it comes to sex. . If you've dated regularly and are not uncomfortable dating etc. you can handle it and know exactly what to expect when you decide to give it up right away. . But for someone just learning the ropes. . a wonderful first date that ends up being an ONLY date and a silent cell phone . well. . that can be pretty tough to take.
no?0 -
Demand lots of oral. Go to sleep when they stop. Act annoyed if they are still there when you wake up.
LOL
You guys are great!!! Thanks for all the tips!0 -
Golden rule for the inexperienced : Don't sleep with the guy on the first date!.
That is all.
I know plenty of relationships that started with sex on the first date. You're just an old fashioned Romeo Mr!! :laugh:
Maybe. . but you'll note the adjective "inexperienced". . I specifically said that because there is a learning curve, particularly for women, when it comes to sex. . If you've dated regularly and are not uncomfortable dating etc. you can handle it and know exactly what to expect when you decide to give it up right away. . But for someone just learning the ropes. . a wonderful first date that ends up being an ONLY date and a silent cell phone . well. . that can be pretty tough to take.
no?
I agree.
I have friends who have no problem having sex with a guy on a first date and if he calls, no big deal. But if that happened to me, I'd be devastated.
The point of the above statement is that I think dating goes well when you figure out what you like and go with that. As long as your expectations aren't unreasonable it's fine to know what you want. When you know what you want and need, you gain more confidence which helps you when you are on the dates themselves.
But I'm the same as you. I did not go out on a date until I was 21 and to this day I've never even been kissed.
So when people my age talk about sex and dating I feel like a kid sitting at the adults table. That is funny you say you feel like a 14 year old because I'm the same. I can only suggest trying to make dates with these guys - if the opportunity is there go for it. I would love to get more experienced but unfortunately men are not clamoring to date me. If I had that opportunity I would say "yes!" That is the only way you would grow.0 -
Maybe. . but you'll note the adjective "inexperienced". . I specifically said that because there is a learning curve, particularly for women, when it comes to sex. . If you've dated regularly and are not uncomfortable dating etc. you can handle it and know exactly what to expect when you decide to give it up right away. . But for someone just learning the ropes. . a wonderful first date that ends up being an ONLY date and a silent cell phone . well. . that can be pretty tough to take.
no?
Well, yes, to a degree.
The OP didnt say she was inexperienced sexually tho? She could have been in a relationship for 10 years and just new to the dating scene. Mind you, after 10 years with someone that would be an ideal time to just get your first meaningless shag out the way........:laugh:
Besides, the whole 'give it up', 'put out', 'open legs' thing really bugs me. I mean, how come men dont get these negative connotations if they have sex on the first date? Dont we now live in an age of equality? Or at least an age where we strive for it?
Yes, you need to be emotionally mature to handle sex and rejection. Jeez, I feel emotionally drained just at being rejected, let alone if I had sex with the guy and all the emotonal sh1t that that can evoke!! At whatever age and whatever experience, rejection isn't easy. It would just be so much easier if we (women) didnt have the additional pressure of being judged unfit for a relationship if we go with the flow and fancy sex early after meeting someone. You guys need to give us women a break for having horny hormones too!! :laugh:
But yeah, I'm probably off on a tangent........:laugh:0 -
It would just be so much easier if we (women) didnt have the additional pressure of being judged unfit for a relationship if we go with the flow and fancy sex early after meeting someone.Maybe. . but you'll note the adjective "inexperienced". . I specifically said that because there is a learning curve, particularly for women, when it comes to sex. . If you've dated regularly and are not uncomfortable dating etc. you can handle it and know exactly what to expect when you decide to give it up right away. . But for someone just learning the ropes. . a wonderful first date that ends up being an ONLY date and a silent cell phone . well. . that can be pretty tough to take.
no?
It would. Too bad for most of us, the culture around us isn't yet that enlightened and you have to play by the rules of the culture you want to play in. And even in cultures/countries that no longer hold to such judgment, some people (women and men) just aren’t built for casual sex (get too emotionally attached) and can’t handle the “no phone call’ the next night. I know I couldn’t.
I agree that the best way to get experienced at dating in today’s world is to go out there and date lots of men. And by that I mean I wouldn't turn anyone down unless it's totally neon bright that you aren't ever going to want to date them. Even if they aren’t really your type, just say yes and go out for the reasons others already wrote above.
I disagree, however, that there are no dating books/advice sources that can help get you up to speed on the dating landscape. I found myself single, almost 40, and with no clue, and many of these resources helped open my eyes. I think most of them hold too far to one particular view (The Rules, for example) but I find that all of them have some nugget of truth depending on the demographic they're catering to.
I especially like my friend's dad's website "Ask a Real Guy" and there were so many books I read at Borders while my son got his Thomas fix that I can't even remember all of them. They're all in the relationship section with He's Just not That Into You and You're Not That Into Him Either (two books I enjoyed). Things like What Southern Women Know about Flirting. Books on Body Language are good too (I always crossed my legs the wrong way because I liked my thigh muscle and wanted my date to see it- turns out I was sending a subtle "not interested" signal). I also recommend the website AskMen.com so you can read what guys tell other guys about dating and any of the players handbook style sites are equally enlightening.
One that really spoke to me and would likely have prevented my marriage was How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved.
I know that was long....so I hope it helped.0 -
Besides, the whole 'give it up', 'put out', 'open legs' thing really bugs me. I mean, how come men dont get these negative connotations if they have sex on the first date? Dont we now live in an age of equality? Or at least an age where we strive for it?
Sorry about the "give it up". . I can see how this might seem crass and unfair. It was a poor choice of words. . . I meant only that it's the women who make the final decision, while the men eagerly await. . like the dogs we are.
I believe that the way we were made, men are, at an instinctual level, driven to distribute their DNA to as many women as possible, whereas women are driven to be selective, since it's they who (from an evolutionary standpoint) are the ones that have to do all the work, carrying the baby, then raising it.
Modern morality and western culture has gone a long way in teaching civilized people not to allow these base instincts to control us. . We are taught to treat women with respect and we learn that making a whole bunch of babies with a whole bunch of mamas isn't our reason for being (and is, in fact, a really horrible idea). But, the basic drives are still in there and not everyone is trained to suppress them (particularly in the heat of the moment). So. .it's usually the men angling for the sex and the women who are 'giving it up' or not. .0 -
Golden rule for the inexperienced : Don't sleep with the guy on the first date!.
That is all.
I know plenty of relationships that started with sex on the first date. You're just an old fashioned Romeo Mr!! :laugh:
Oddly, I do too Anna. 2 couples I know that have the best and most solid relationships I have ever seen both started with sex on a 1st date, lol. I started to wonder if that was the key, haha. :laugh:0 -
You know... I suppose I'm just an oddball.
I totally felt I got more attention when I was heavier. Maybe I was just more likely to notice then. Sure, I get checked out, but men don't talk to me anymore.
This gives me a sad! :sad:
And I'm sure someone will say that I might be intimidating and unapproachable now, but believe me when I say, I'm not that hot! I still have a good 50 lbs to lose.0 -
You know... I suppose I'm just an oddball.
I totally felt I got more attention when I was heavier. Maybe I was just more likely to notice then. Sure, I get checked out, but men don't talk to me anymore.
This gives me a sad! :sad:
And I'm sure someone will say that I might be intimidating and unapproachable now, but believe me when I say, I'm not that hot! I still have a good 50 lbs to lose.
In the real World Husky, I have always been invisible ... even now. I get attention online and am able to get dates that way, but when I go out in the real World, I never get approached ... like I am not even there.0 -
You know... I suppose I'm just an oddball.
I totally felt I got more attention when I was heavier. Maybe I was just more likely to notice then. Sure, I get checked out, but men don't talk to me anymore.
This gives me a sad! :sad:
And I'm sure someone will say that I might be intimidating and unapproachable now, but believe me when I say, I'm not that hot! I still have a good 50 lbs to lose.
In the real World Husky, I have always been invisible ... even now. I get attention online and am able to get dates that way, but when I go out in the real World, I never get approached ... like I am not even there.
But I was approached and flirted with so much more at 300+ lbs. I can't wrap my mind around it.0 -
And I'm sure someone will say that I might be intimidating and unapproachable now, but believe me when I say, I'm not that hot! I still have a good 50 lbs to lose.
I don't think being unapproachable is just about looks or weight. So much of it is just small signals that you (the general you) probably aren't even aware of. Are you on your smartphone more now if you have to wait somewhere (where in the past you might have had a conversation), do you have earbuds in, or are you just in your own little thought-bubble of a world while running errands? I definitely think that type of stuff contributes.0 -
You know... I suppose I'm just an oddball.
I totally felt I got more attention when I was heavier. Maybe I was just more likely to notice then. Sure, I get checked out, but men don't talk to me anymore.
This gives me a sad! :sad:
And I'm sure someone will say that I might be intimidating and unapproachable now, but believe me when I say, I'm not that hot! I still have a good 50 lbs to lose.
In the real World Husky, I have always been invisible ... even now. I get attention online and am able to get dates that way, but when I go out in the real World, I never get approached ... like I am not even there.
I wonder if the "real world" is changing. A large chunk of the people where I live work in the tech industry and are always in the office or at home working behind a screen. When they go out, they are hiding behind a smaller screen and frequently plugged in to earbuds. I never get anyone talking to me randomly anymore. I'd say less than 50% of the people I say hello to walking by even respond.
The last time I got a phone number in person was like 2 years ago.
I think I need to get out more. 0 -
And I'm sure someone will say that I might be intimidating and unapproachable now, but believe me when I say, I'm not that hot! I still have a good 50 lbs to lose.
I don't think being unapproachable is just about looks or weight. So much of it is just small signals that you (the general you) probably aren't even aware of. Are you on your smartphone more now if you have to wait somewhere (where in the past you might have had a conversation), do you have earbuds in, or are you just in your own little thought-bubble of a world while running errands? I definitely think that type of stuff contributes.
Interesting thought. I am on my phone a lot.0 -
And I'm sure someone will say that I might be intimidating and unapproachable now, but believe me when I say, I'm not that hot! I still have a good 50 lbs to lose.
I don't think being unapproachable is just about looks or weight. So much of it is just small signals that you (the general you) probably aren't even aware of. Are you on your smartphone more now if you have to wait somewhere (where in the past you might have had a conversation), do you have earbuds in, or are you just in your own little thought-bubble of a world while running errands? I definitely think that type of stuff contributes.
I think maybe I was in an exclusive relationship for so long that perhaps I am putting off the "unavailable" vibe without realizing it. Not sure how to fix that though. I smile and say hello to people all the time, but I rarely get beyond that with anyone. I'll even take the initiative and strike up the conversation, but that's all it ever is, a friendly convo with a stranger.0 -
Only thing I could suggest is go at the pace you feel most comfortable with...
I've only been with one woman, and that was for 11 years.
I'm now up to my 7th year of no girlfriend, and I've just now recently and sadly realized that my having-a-date time frame has jumped back up to a full year again (yea, it was just one..).
Thing is, that I do what I feel is comfortable.
Oddly, I do say that I've had a lot of opposite sex friends who I've hung out with (no benefits) and I do say that it actually helps to learn to normally socialize and get knowledge of dating world with other single people. Just don't do that so well that you're too good at making friends and not relationships (my issue now...)0 -
Ok.
I was overweight/obese almost ALL of my life. Right now I am the smallest I have been since I was 14 years old.
Because I was so big, I never really dated. There were a few guys interested in me (started as friends) but even with them, I never felt comfortable enough to pursue anything.
But now! I am getting so much attention from men. It is funny. To be honest, I am not sure how to handle it!!! I am in this weird no-man's land where I just don't know what to do. I will be 37 in a few months but have the dating skills of a 14 year old. LOL.
Heeeeeelp! lol
Oh, how I can relate to this!!!! I was in the mid to high 200's most of my life, once I got down to the 180's, I started getting lots of attention. It made me uncomfortable.....I just didn't know how to handle it. I look forward to reading some reply's to this. I just wanted you to know you are absolutely not alone. And I know how hard it is to be in your 30's and have the dating technique of a 14 year old. *hugs*0 -
Ok.
I was overweight/obese almost ALL of my life. Right now I am the smallest I have been since I was 14 years old.
Because I was so big, I never really dated. There were a few guys interested in me (started as friends) but even with them, I never felt comfortable enough to pursue anything.
But now! I am getting so much attention from men. It is funny. To be honest, I am not sure how to handle it!!! I am in this weird no-man's land where I just don't know what to do. I will be 37 in a few months but have the dating skills of a 14 year old. LOL.
Heeeeeelp! lol
Oh, how I can relate to this!!!! I was in the mid to high 200's most of my life, once I got down to the 180's, I started getting lots of attention. It made me uncomfortable.....I just didn't know how to handle it. I look forward to reading some reply's to this. I just wanted you to know you are absolutely not alone. And I know how hard it is to be in your 30's and have the dating technique of a 14 year old. *hugs*
It is uncomfortable, but it comes as you get more comfortable with your new body and your self esteem/confidence improves. Also with practice with respect to the dating!!
Losing weight not only changes your external appearance but you almost have to redefine who you are on in the inside... it's like, for me anyways, that my weight was masking alot of issues I had. Took alot of hard work to work thru them all. Was hard0 -
Ok.
I was overweight/obese almost ALL of my life. Right now I am the smallest I have been since I was 14 years old.
Because I was so big, I never really dated. There were a few guys interested in me (started as friends) but even with them, I never felt comfortable enough to pursue anything.
But now! I am getting so much attention from men. It is funny. To be honest, I am not sure how to handle it!!! I am in this weird no-man's land where I just don't know what to do. I will be 37 in a few months but have the dating skills of a 14 year old. LOL.
Heeeeeelp! lol
Oh, how I can relate to this!!!! I was in the mid to high 200's most of my life, once I got down to the 180's, I started getting lots of attention. It made me uncomfortable.....I just didn't know how to handle it. I look forward to reading some reply's to this. I just wanted you to know you are absolutely not alone. And I know how hard it is to be in your 30's and have the dating technique of a 14 year old. *hugs*
It is uncomfortable, but it comes as you get more comfortable with your new body and your self esteem/confidence improves. Also with practice with respect to the dating!!
Losing weight not only changes your external appearance but you almost have to redefine who you are on in the inside... it's like, for me anyways, that my weight was masking alot of issues I had. Took alot of hard work to work thru them all. Was hard
I think that is where I struggled/struggle the most, the change on the inside. I knew my body looked different. But I couldn't grasp the attention from men cause I simply never had it before. Or very little. Can I ask how you worked through these issues for yourself? I'm sure it is hard, so kudos. You can mesg me too if you don't want to share out in public.
~Sara0 -
Ok.
I was overweight/obese almost ALL of my life. Right now I am the smallest I have been since I was 14 years old.
Because I was so big, I never really dated. There were a few guys interested in me (started as friends) but even with them, I never felt comfortable enough to pursue anything.
But now! I am getting so much attention from men. It is funny. To be honest, I am not sure how to handle it!!! I am in this weird no-man's land where I just don't know what to do. I will be 37 in a few months but have the dating skills of a 14 year old. LOL.
Heeeeeelp! lol
Oh, how I can relate to this!!!! I was in the mid to high 200's most of my life, once I got down to the 180's, I started getting lots of attention. It made me uncomfortable.....I just didn't know how to handle it. I look forward to reading some reply's to this. I just wanted you to know you are absolutely not alone. And I know how hard it is to be in your 30's and have the dating technique of a 14 year old. *hugs*
It is uncomfortable, but it comes as you get more comfortable with your new body and your self esteem/confidence improves. Also with practice with respect to the dating!!
Losing weight not only changes your external appearance but you almost have to redefine who you are on in the inside... it's like, for me anyways, that my weight was masking alot of issues I had. Took alot of hard work to work thru them all. Was hard
I think that is where I struggled/struggle the most, the change on the inside. I knew my body looked different. But I couldn't grasp the attention from men cause I simply never had it before. Or very little. Can I ask how you worked through these issues for yourself? I'm sure it is hard, so kudos. You can mesg me too if you don't want to share out in public.
~Sara
So glad someone understands this. Yeah!
This might be tmi, but the lack of sexual knowledge/experience also scares me. By now, people are supposed to have perfected a lot of things. How do I tell someone I am dating that I don't have this "skills" lol0 -
Ok.
I was overweight/obese almost ALL of my life. Right now I am the smallest I have been since I was 14 years old.
Because I was so big, I never really dated. There were a few guys interested in me (started as friends) but even with them, I never felt comfortable enough to pursue anything.
But now! I am getting so much attention from men. It is funny. To be honest, I am not sure how to handle it!!! I am in this weird no-man's land where I just don't know what to do. I will be 37 in a few months but have the dating skills of a 14 year old. LOL.
Heeeeeelp! lol
Oh, how I can relate to this!!!! I was in the mid to high 200's most of my life, once I got down to the 180's, I started getting lots of attention. It made me uncomfortable.....I just didn't know how to handle it. I look forward to reading some reply's to this. I just wanted you to know you are absolutely not alone. And I know how hard it is to be in your 30's and have the dating technique of a 14 year old. *hugs*
It is uncomfortable, but it comes as you get more comfortable with your new body and your self esteem/confidence improves. Also with practice with respect to the dating!!
Losing weight not only changes your external appearance but you almost have to redefine who you are on in the inside... it's like, for me anyways, that my weight was masking alot of issues I had. Took alot of hard work to work thru them all. Was hard
I think that is where I struggled/struggle the most, the change on the inside. I knew my body looked different. But I couldn't grasp the attention from men cause I simply never had it before. Or very little. Can I ask how you worked through these issues for yourself? I'm sure it is hard, so kudos. You can mesg me too if you don't want to share out in public.
~Sara
For me, it wasn't all about men, but a lot of it was relationship based. For some reason I guess I figured I would lose the weight and it would be a shoe-in to find a great man.... Little did I know this wasn't going to be the case. With the loss in weight the self confidence came, and while attention was uncomfortable with all the dating I was doing I came to be comfortable with it (for the most part). What I quickly realized is I was still being treated like garbage because I allowed it. I thought it was the men, but then I realized it was me because I had little to no boundaries and no self worth - I also drug along my past. I really am not quite sure how I worked thru, but I know I read a lot of books... some good, some crap, some had snipits that were helpful. I figured out what was important to me, what my boundaries were (ie when to have sex blah blah) and I really did struggle. I had huge melt downs on MFP boards, to my friends, alone, I sobbed for hours... I am far from perfect but I have come along way. I am finally sticking up for myself and deserving what I want. I know a lot of people say that the books are no good, but for someone who had been out of the dating game over 10 years, who never had a healthy relationship (all addicts I dated) I need some guidelines and how women should act, and I think they were very helpful.
A huge website for me was 'baggage reclaim' loved it, I still read her stuff. Also loved 'why men love *****es' and 'he's just not that into you'
I finally came to realize that some men will come close to my ideal match but it is ok that they don't tick everything off and I can let them go and vice versa. I was learning not to take things personal and realize we just weren't a fit and someone out there was better suited for me. I was trying really hard to slow the *kitten* down and figure out if these men were worthy of me before jumping into the sack or doing anything extreme, etc. It's tough but I am getting there.
Not sure that really helped some.... but it's my experience. My heart hurt a lot, but I have only grown leaps and bounds since losing weight internally and externally 0
