Moving too fast
Replies
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The too fast perception is the problem--what is too fast? In an era where you can talk / text / email / IM for days/week/months you can get to "know" someone without meetjing them. Of course, when you can meet there can be no chemistry or whatever, but if you have been talking awhile, and then you meet and the chemistry is there............having sex within a couple dates maybe be different than years ago, when people "courted" each other and took months just to get to know them.........
That was kind of my thinking, but it would seem, as someone else pointed out, other factors are present.0 -
I honestly think that a man who will put out for me on a first date is not husband material.
True LOL
why is it always about the man and his perception, WTF about ours !!!
Actually, this question came up as the result of a failed fling... (Yes, tubesocks, I'm still licking my wounds, I told you about him before, this wasn't just a crush for me... we are talking years here).
I realize now that I was well-aware that this man was very traditionalist. And no, he did not judge me for it. But I had an opportunity to finally have the relationship that I wanted with him, and things went really south after sex. He basically said that he knew I wasn't the right one even though he had been all about it at first, and the only reason that makes sense in my mind was that I had sex with him on the first date. Of course, we had known each other for years and were building on a solid friendship, so in my mind, we could skip the "getting to know each other" phase, but like I said, I knew his cultural background and spiritual beliefs. I should have known it wouldn't work. I was impatient, and doing what I always do, and it didn't work out. Just trying to figure out where to go from here and addressing the "move too fast" behavior is part of it.
I really don't want this thread to derail into being about that one relationship decision. I'd still rather focus on the motivations and consequences behind that behavior.
Or after the sex he didn't feel any chemistry there...I'm going to assume, that it has nothing to do with the timing of sex.0 -
I honestly think that a man who will put out for me on a first date is not husband material.
True LOL
why is it always about the man and his perception, WTF about ours !!!
Actually, this question came up as the result of a failed fling... (Yes, tubesocks, I'm still licking my wounds, I told you about him before, this wasn't just a crush for me... we are talking years here).
I realize now that I was well-aware that this man was very traditionalist. And no, he did not judge me for it. But I had an opportunity to finally have the relationship that I wanted with him, and things went really south after sex. He basically said that he knew I wasn't the right one even though he had been all about it at first, and the only reason that makes sense in my mind was that I had sex with him on the first date. Of course, we had known each other for years and were building on a solid friendship, so in my mind, we could skip the "getting to know each other" phase, but like I said, I knew his cultural background and spiritual beliefs. I should have known it wouldn't work. I was impatient, and doing what I always do, and it didn't work out. Just trying to figure out where to go from here and addressing the "move too fast" behavior is part of it.
I really don't want this thread to derail into being about that one relationship decision. I'd still rather focus on the motivations and consequences behind that behavior.
Or after the sex he didn't feel any chemistry there...I'm going to assume, that it has nothing to do with the timing of sex.
No, I doubt that. We had sex at least twice more after the first time, and he was still talking about "next time" right before he told me that he always felt guilty after having sex with me. From there the conversation went to, "should we really be doing this?" And then, it just sort of fell off a cliff. I really just think it was more about his moral values than anything. He has some emotional discord he's dealing with too... lots of baggage. The sex was super-hot.0 -
We had sex at least twice more after the first time, and he was still talking about "next time" right before he told me that he always felt guilty after having sex with me. From there the conversation went to, "should we really be doing this?" And then, it just sort of fell off a cliff. I really just think it was more about his moral values than anything. He has some emotional discord he's dealing with too... lots of baggage. The sex was super-hot.
Seems in this specific case, the guy has issues (perhaps intimacy, religious guilt about sex or maybe he's just not over an ex, who knows?) and something probably would have come to light regardless of the timing of sex.0 -
We had sex at least twice more after the first time, and he was still talking about "next time" right before he told me that he always felt guilty after having sex with me. From there the conversation went to, "should we really be doing this?" And then, it just sort of fell off a cliff. I really just think it was more about his moral values than anything. He has some emotional discord he's dealing with too... lots of baggage. The sex was super-hot.
Seems in this specific case, the guy has issues (perhaps intimacy, religious guilt about sex or maybe he's just not over an ex, who knows?) and something probably would have come to light regardless of the timing of sex.
Yes, I realize that (it's likely all of the above, honestly). Or at least, I'm trying to accept that. Just trying to decide if I need to change my behavior.
Like I said, rushing into sex hasn't really worked out for me in the past. I feel like I may have sabotaged this relationship in my own way.
I think part of what keeps me befuddled on this is, in spite of his issues that I'm well aware of, he continues to date and look for a potential mate. And I know that it is his head that is screwed up, and no I don't need a head case in my life, but I'm just wondering if I have issues that I too need to address.0 -
I honestly think that a man who will put out for me on a first date is not husband material.
True LOL
why is it always about the man and his perception, WTF about ours !!!
Actually, this question came up as the result of a failed fling... (Yes, tubesocks, I'm still licking my wounds, I told you about him before, this wasn't just a crush for me... we are talking years here).
I realize now that I was well-aware that this man was very traditionalist. And no, he did not judge me for it. But I had an opportunity to finally have the relationship that I wanted with him, and things went really south after sex. He basically said that he knew I wasn't the right one even though he had been all about it at first, and the only reason that makes sense in my mind was that I had sex with him on the first date. Of course, we had known each other for years and were building on a solid friendship, so in my mind, we could skip the "getting to know each other" phase, but like I said, I knew his cultural background and spiritual beliefs. I should have known it wouldn't work. I was impatient, and doing what I always do, and it didn't work out. Just trying to figure out where to go from here and addressing the "move too fast" behavior is part of it.
I really don't want this thread to derail into being about that one relationship decision. I'd still rather focus on the motivations and consequences behind that behavior.
Or after the sex he didn't feel any chemistry there...I'm going to assume, that it has nothing to do with the timing of sex.
No, I doubt that. We had sex at least twice more after the first time, and he was still talking about "next time" right before he told me that he always felt guilty after having sex with me. From there the conversation went to, "should we really be doing this?" And then, it just sort of fell off a cliff. I really just think it was more about his moral values than anything. He has some emotional discord he's dealing with too... lots of baggage. The sex was super-hot.
I agree with Ty. In this instance, I dont think it had to do with the timing of it. Firstly, as you've known each other for years then the emotions (as per Casta's point) were already there. And secondly, because you had sex again......and again.
Having read your account of the situation, I think the problem is all his and really nothing to do with you, or the way men percieve women in general. Just that this guy was has issues with 'his' behaviour. Perhaps 'his' emotions weren't in place and he felt guilty for that??
What I'm saying is, even if you hadn't had sex for 5 dates, then he'd still be having these issues..........?
I went out with a guy once that, after we got all hot and bothered, refused to have sex with me becasue it was the second time in one day. He said it was 'sins of the flesh'.......this was some time into our relationship....... :huh:0 -
I agree with Ty. In this instance, I dont think it had to do with the timing of it. Firstly, as you've known each other for years then the emotions (as per Casta's point) were already there. And secondly, because you had sex again......and again.
Having read your account of the situation, I think the problem is all his and really nothing to do with you, or the way men percieve women in general. Just that this guy was has issues with 'his' behaviour. Perhaps 'his' emotions weren't in place and he felt guilty for that??
What I'm saying is, even if you hadn't had sex for 5 dates, then he'd still be having these issues..........?
I went out with a guy once that, after we got all hot and bothered, refused to have sex with me becasue it was the second time in one day. He said it was 'sins of the flesh'.......this was some time into our relationship....... :huh:
Yeah, I get that. Sucks for me. Anyway, should I be working on behavior modification or my feelings or something? I can't say I am entirely happy with the way I handled myself in this situation. At the moment, we aren't even on speaking terms, and it seemed like no matter how hard I tried, he just pushed me farther and farther away. I suppose he would have done that anyway. But I'm just trying to find the life lesson in this. I lost a friend, and I really have nothing to show for it, other than some great memories that only make me wish I could do it again. LOL!0 -
We had sex at least twice more after the first time, and he was still talking about "next time" right before he told me that he always felt guilty after having sex with me. From there the conversation went to, "should we really be doing this?" And then, it just sort of fell off a cliff. I really just think it was more about his moral values than anything. He has some emotional discord he's dealing with too... lots of baggage. The sex was super-hot.
Seems in this specific case, the guy has issues (perhaps intimacy, religious guilt about sex or maybe he's just not over an ex, who knows?) and something probably would have come to light regardless of the timing of sex.
Yes, I realize that (it's likely all of the above, honestly). Or at least, I'm trying to accept that. Just trying to decide if I need to change my behavior.
Like I said, rushing into sex hasn't really worked out for me in the past. I feel like I may have sabotaged this relationship in my own way.
I think part of what keeps me befuddled on this is, in spite of his issues that I'm well aware of, he continues to date and look for a potential mate. And I know that it is his head that is screwed up, and no I don't need a head case in my life, but I'm just wondering if I have issues that I too need to address.
Maybe you were not right for him. (Guessing that the case here)
Why is it an issue if he continues to date other people?0 -
We had sex at least twice more after the first time, and he was still talking about "next time" right before he told me that he always felt guilty after having sex with me. From there the conversation went to, "should we really be doing this?" And then, it just sort of fell off a cliff. I really just think it was more about his moral values than anything. He has some emotional discord he's dealing with too... lots of baggage. The sex was super-hot.
Seems in this specific case, the guy has issues (perhaps intimacy, religious guilt about sex or maybe he's just not over an ex, who knows?) and something probably would have come to light regardless of the timing of sex.
Yes, I realize that (it's likely all of the above, honestly). Or at least, I'm trying to accept that. Just trying to decide if I need to change my behavior.
Like I said, rushing into sex hasn't really worked out for me in the past. I feel like I may have sabotaged this relationship in my own way.
I think part of what keeps me befuddled on this is, in spite of his issues that I'm well aware of, he continues to date and look for a potential mate. And I know that it is his head that is screwed up, and no I don't need a head case in my life, but I'm just wondering if I have issues that I too need to address.
Maybe you were not right for him. (Guessing that the case here)
Why is it an issue if he continues to date other people?
Because his proclammation that he "can't" love another woman other than the ex... look he has issues that interfere with his relationships... but he continues to pursue relationships without addressing his issues.
I could care less at this point. He's not in my life anymore. He can do what he wants to do.0 -
As a man, depending on the connection I have no issue with it happening early. As far back as I can recall, other than my first, every woman I slept with happened on the first or 3rd dates. One of which I married and was with for 9 years. The problem you may run into are guys that only want sex, they will get it then move on.
^^^^ This.
If the right connection is there, it won't matter when you sleep with them. They will stick around and want to be with you anyway. And the guys who are out just for sex are going to bolt anyway. You wait to have sex in order to weed out the ones who just want sex. I personally think it is better to wait, regardless, because having sex so soon builds false intimacy with a person who is essentially still a stranger.0 -
We had sex at least twice more after the first time, and he was still talking about "next time" right before he told me that he always felt guilty after having sex with me. From there the conversation went to, "should we really be doing this?" And then, it just sort of fell off a cliff. I really just think it was more about his moral values than anything. He has some emotional discord he's dealing with too... lots of baggage. The sex was super-hot.
Seems in this specific case, the guy has issues (perhaps intimacy, religious guilt about sex or maybe he's just not over an ex, who knows?) and something probably would have come to light regardless of the timing of sex.
Yes, I realize that (it's likely all of the above, honestly). Or at least, I'm trying to accept that. Just trying to decide if I need to change my behavior.
Like I said, rushing into sex hasn't really worked out for me in the past. I feel like I may have sabotaged this relationship in my own way.
I think part of what keeps me befuddled on this is, in spite of his issues that I'm well aware of, he continues to date and look for a potential mate. And I know that it is his head that is screwed up, and no I don't need a head case in my life, but I'm just wondering if I have issues that I too need to address.
Maybe you were not right for him. (Guessing that the case here)
Why is it an issue if he continues to date other people?
Because his proclammation that he "can't" love another woman other than the ex... look he has issues that interfere with his relationships... but he continues to pursue relationships without addressing his issues.
I could care less at this point. He's not in my life anymore. He can do what he wants to do.
I hate to say this but you should be very thankful you have moved on from him (ok maybe I don't hate to say it ) becuase he is all kinds of confused. The problems are all his and I don't think any time you spend on trying to figure it out will get you anywhere. He thankful you have moved on from an emotionally unavailable man, and if you end up feeling anything - feel sorry for his next victim.0 -
I hate to say this but you should be very thankful you have moved on from him (ok maybe I don't hate to say it ) becuase he is all kinds of confused. The problems are all his and I don't think any time you spend on trying to figure it out will get you anywhere. He thankful you have moved on from an emotionally unavailable man, and if you end up feeling anything - feel sorry for his next victim.
I do. It just makes me very sad. I do care for him very much. But I know it's for the best.
You know, and honestly, you make me realize that he probably pushed me away because he knew that being with me would mean he would have to deal with those issues, and he doesn't want to.0 -
I hate to say this but you should be very thankful you have moved on from him (ok maybe I don't hate to say it ) becuase he is all kinds of confused. The problems are all his and I don't think any time you spend on trying to figure it out will get you anywhere. He thankful you have moved on from an emotionally unavailable man, and if you end up feeling anything - feel sorry for his next victim.
I do. It just makes me very sad. I do care for him very much. But I know it's for the best.
You know, and honestly, you make me realize that he probably pushed me away because he knew that being with me would mean he would have to deal with those issues, and he doesn't want to.
He isn't capable, and this is what he does... because he's not healthy.
I have dated plenty of them... one is my kid's ex, and he has never changed.... and never will ....
Worry about what you want in life, what your boundaries are, gain your worth/self esteem, and you will never wonder about another man, you will just live life by your rules and the right guy will fall into place... This I know for certain
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As a man, depending on the connection I have no issue with it happening early. As far back as I can recall, other than my first, every woman I slept with happened on the first or 3rd dates. One of which I married and was with for 9 years. The problem you may run into are guys that only want sex, they will get it then move on.
^^^^ This.
If the right connection is there, it won't matter when you sleep with them. They will stick around and want to be with you anyway. And the guys who are out just for sex are going to bolt anyway. You wait to have sex in order to weed out the ones who just want sex. I personally think it is better to wait, regardless, because having sex so soon builds false intimacy with a person who is essentially still a stranger.
Totally agree with you kls13..........up until the point when you say about 'false intimacy'. Not really sure what that means. I think if you feel close to someone, then it's not false? As we were saying these first date encounters could be with someone you've known, and been talking to, for a while. Emotions dont take long to form in that respect. :flowerforyou:0 -
A lot of players are well too familiar with the so called waiting game. The black and white traditional approach of "waiting it out" is like going to a casino and expecting better odds because you're having better luck on one slot machine over another.
It's a chance thing. The best prevention, as always, is honest and direct communication of what a person wants. If the person doesn't directly communicate, and offers vague, confusing, and mixed signals, then that's what the future will hold.
I've seen way too many iterations of this. It's called the "let's confuse casual relationship for a regular relationship" game. Mostly, I've seen it done to my gal pals. I have seen it go the other way. In essence, one person only wanted a casual relationship, but will settle on someone that wants something more. Usually, it's for the "security", the "comfort", the person is "nice". But, I'm talking burnt language now...anyway....
This is primarily the "casual relationship" language that I've seen used time and time again, with different iterations, but always the same philosophy. It's meant to keep the more traditional person "hooked".
"I'm really not ready for a relationship yet, but I do care about you and I do want to see what the future holds. I believe that eventually I do see potential for something more but I can't guarantee what that future holds. I do care about you, and I still want us to be together."
This is what the person who really only wants a continued casual relationship really means and is telling the person:
"I'm really not ready for a relationship yet, but I do care about you and I do want to see what the future holds. I believe that eventually I do see potential for something more but I can't guarantee what that future holds. I do care about you, and I still want us to be together."
This is what the other person picks out and only wants to hear at the time.
"I'm really not ready for a relationship yet, but I do care about you and I do want to see what the future holds. I believe that eventually I do see potential for something more but I can't guarantee what that future holds. I do care about you, and I still want us to be together."0
