So what's the difference? (Single vs Divorced)
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Seperated men are on my 'no no' list when I was dating.
Haha mine too.
^^^THIS!0 -
Seperated men are on my 'no no' list when I was dating.
Haha mine too.
^^^THIS!
Really ? I've never had a problem with it... Of course my husband and I have been seperated almost 8 yrs and just never got around to getting divorced (its expensive down here!) I've also never had trouble getting dates because of it. Like I said though we've been seperated 8yr and he and his live in GF do have a pretty little girl about almost 2 now. Every once in a while we casually mention getting divorced but its never been a priority. Of course we also own no property or anything like that. The good part is when we finally do get divorced we've had our custody arangement in place so long that no judge would mess with it0 -
Seperated men are on my 'no no' list when I was dating.
Haha mine too.
^^^THIS!
Really ? I've never had a problem with it... Of course my husband and I have been seperated almost 8 yrs and just never got around to getting divorced (its expensive down here!) I've also never had trouble getting dates because of it. Like I said though we've been seperated 8yr and he and his live in GF do have a pretty little girl about almost 2 now. Every once in a while we casually mention getting divorced but its never been a priority. Of course we also own no property or anything like that. The good part is when we finally do get divorced we've had our custody arangement in place so long that no judge would mess with it
My ex-husband and I were separated for five years before we finally got divorced. We were both living with other people. I filed for divorce because I wanted to buy a house, and the child support order needed modification.0 -
Seperated men are on my 'no no' list when I was dating.
Haha mine too.
^^^THIS!
Me too.0 -
I don't agree with that at all, technically they would be single AND divorced, not either/or. Single means not married or without a partner. Divorced people can be single, just like they can be married (remarried).I was out today with some singles from church. One said people shouldn't call themselves single if they are divorced- they should call themselves divorced because technically they're not single. I did not ask for explanation because I had to tend to my son and the convo had moved on before I had a chance to.
I'm curious: does this distinction matter to you (or someone you know)? If so, why? I thought divorced was common enough these days that it didn't matter.0 -
Divorced is just a way of giving anyone in your dating sphere a heads up. That there is recent or potentially on-going issues with a former spouse. A divorced person may not have as much time or as much energy to commit to a relationship. Whether or not someone wants to put it up front, is a matter of choice. Sure, one could use single just as well. Ultimately, the divorced angle will come up.
Of course, then there's someone like me who after being with the mother of kids for 11 years, never got married.
So, I might have as well been divorced but I can get away with saying I wasn't married. In my head, I was. Emotionally, I processed the same way as a divorced person would. I just was thankful for none of the legal stuff of divorce.
I'm definitely single single now.0 -
I don't agree with that at all, technically they would be single AND divorced, not either/or. Single means not married or without a partner. Divorced people can be single, just like they can be married (remarried).I was out today with some singles from church. One said people shouldn't call themselves single if they are divorced- they should call themselves divorced because technically they're not single. I did not ask for explanation because I had to tend to my son and the convo had moved on before I had a chance to.
I'm curious: does this distinction matter to you (or someone you know)? If so, why? I thought divorced was common enough these days that it didn't matter.
Not necessarily. The Census and the Current Population Survey conducted by the Census Bureau track marital status as married, single, divorced, widowed/widower. Within married, there are statuses about whether you and the spouse live together as well.0 -
Seperated men are on my 'no no' list when I was dating.
Haha mine too.
^^^THIS!
Really ? I've never had a problem with it... Of course my husband and I have been seperated almost 8 yrs and just never got around to getting divorced (its expensive down here!) I've also never had trouble getting dates because of it. Like I said though we've been seperated 8yr and he and his live in GF do have a pretty little girl about almost 2 now. Every once in a while we casually mention getting divorced but its never been a priority. Of course we also own no property or anything like that. The good part is when we finally do get divorced we've had our custody arangement in place so long that no judge would mess with it
My ex-husband and I were separated for five years before we finally got divorced. We were both living with other people. I filed for divorce because I wanted to buy a house, and the child support order needed modification.
I have seen too many people that are seperate that have had too many issues that I won't date a guy that is seperated either.0 -
Thinking more about it... I have to retract my earlier statement where I said I don't care if a romantic interest is divorcd or never married. If he's never lived with a woman, I'm less interested. Won't strike him off the list, but my experience with guys who have never married or never lived with a woman is that they have very unrealistic expectations of what "life" is like. The few I've dated have no clue what real women look like without the pushps and makeup and little appreication for how much it takes to optimially manage a housefhold. I'm too old to train a guy, and in my age bracket he's probalby too old to want to be trained..
I hear this same complaint from men about never-married/never lived-in women, though not as often as I hear it form women about never-married/never lived-in men.0 -
The only distinction I have between me being single and divorced is this; when I was single I had money, now that I am divorced I don’t.0
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Well I'm guessing it doesn't allow you to choose multiple options though? Let's say I'm half white, half Hispanic...does that mean I have to be either Caucasian OR Hispanic just because the Census Bureau only lets me choose one? My point is things aren't always black or white.
Not necessarily. The Census and the Current Population Survey conducted by the Census Bureau track marital status as married, single, divorced, widowed/widower. Within married, there are statuses about whether you and the spouse live together as well.
I don't agree with that at all, technically they would be single AND divorced, not either/or. Single means not married or without a partner. Divorced people can be single, just like they can be married (remarried).I was out today with some singles from church. One said people shouldn't call themselves single if they are divorced- they should call themselves divorced because technically they're not single. I did not ask for explanation because I had to tend to my son and the convo had moved on before I had a chance to.
I'm curious: does this distinction matter to you (or someone you know)? If so, why? I thought divorced was common enough these days that it didn't matter.0 -
Interesting discussion. I suppose it has to do with the stigma of being either single or divorced. Which one carries the most baggage for you? Of course it will all come out eventually, but why put yourself in a bad light if you can avoid it? And this also depends on age. A 29 year old divorced man/woman may just want to wait a bit before springing "recently divorced" on a new crush. At my age, it's pretty much expected.
Of course I never thought my marriage would end in divorce, I really tried hard to save it, so when it ultimately ended, I seemed like a failure. And I suppose defining myself now as "divorced" implies I'm a failure at something, and I hate that.
On the other hand, it was this fear of failure - and two wonderful kids who I didn't want to hurt - that kept me in a doomed marriage well past the "sell by" date.... Later I realised it was harder for the kids when my ex-wife and I remained married. But that's not how I saw it in the beginning. And meeting someone for the first time, I always hate to lead with, "Hi, I'm Prahasaurus, a failure in my only marriage. What's your name?" :-)
However, as previously noted, at my age, most women just assume I'm divorced - or married and lying... :-) If I say I'm single, they will just assume I was previously married. I think there is almost a greater stigma to a man over 40 who has never married, anyway. Or at least never been in a long term relationship that was more or less the equivalent of marriage...
--P0 -
Well I'm guessing it doesn't allow you to choose multiple options though? Let's say I'm half white, half Hispanic...does that mean I have to be either Caucasian OR Hispanic just because the Census Bureau only lets me choose one? My point is things aren't always black or white.
Not necessarily. The Census and the Current Population Survey conducted by the Census Bureau track marital status as married, single, divorced, widowed/widower. Within married, there are statuses about whether you and the spouse live together as well.
I don't agree with that at all, technically they would be single AND divorced, not either/or. Single means not married or without a partner. Divorced people can be single, just like they can be married (remarried).I was out today with some singles from church. One said people shouldn't call themselves single if they are divorced- they should call themselves divorced because technically they're not single. I did not ask for explanation because I had to tend to my son and the convo had moved on before I had a chance to.
I'm curious: does this distinction matter to you (or someone you know)? If so, why? I thought divorced was common enough these days that it didn't matter.
There are numerous ethnicity categories including white nonhispanic, white and hispanic, black nonhispanic, etc. You can also choose multiple races.0 -
...church had nothing to do with the question.
To be fair, your post was very specifically about church.
Interesting you guys read it that way. Originally, I only mentioned the church group because it was an explanation for why I was out with a bunch of men (if I'm in a relationship). Even after realizing I took the part out about them all being men (because I didn't want people to get all upset thinking this is a JJ hates men question) I still don't read it as a church problem. But at least now I know you guys do. Thanks.
Settle down, now. I didn't say that. I just pointed out that you were talking about speaking with people from church.
People from all walks of life use someone's past experiences to judge their present character. I get it - what else are you supposed to use with someone you don't know? You can't just get to know everyone, can you?
Being someone with a somewhat, errr...."questionable" past myself, I am always worried about this. In my experience, no one has ever decided to cut me off when I open up to them, but I still worry.
I personally think that people can use failure as an amazing learning tool. Of course the person needs to be able to view their part in the failure and be willing to make a change for the better. I would argue that these people can become even more aware of themselves and the world after having experienced this either first hand or indirectly through loved ones or other close observation. However, I constantly see advice given to avoid people with certain failures in their ledger.0 -
I imagine in a church context, those who said that a divorced person is 'technically' not single adhere to the doctrine under which divorce is not recognised by the church, but only by the state, so in church terms, a person is still married regardless of their civil status, once they have entered into that union. If that's the case, and those in the dating pool of that group are very religious, it's only fair to make the distinction between divorced and single.
Would it matter to me? Yes, I think it probably would. Not for the reason above at all, but because divorced implies that there are, or at least are likely to be, other people with some interest/agenda/influence regarding a potential new relationship. There may well be kids in the mix, and I'd expect there to be some emotional baggage, especially if the divorce is recent. All of these things are factors I'd want to know about and be able to consider up front. It wouldn't be a dealbreaker, necessarily, though I'd ideally rather be the first (and only!) marriage for my eventual husband, but I'd want to know what I was getting into, and 'single' doesn't tell enough of the story in that case.
ETA: Would you expect someone who was a widow or widower to call themselves 'single' by default? No agenda to that question - just interested.0 -
ETA: Would you expect someone who was a widow or widower to call themselves 'single' by default? No agenda to that question - just interested.
It depends... did their spouse die in a tragic boating "accident" and inherit a millionaire's estate?
I think I could date a murderer for the right boat.0 -
One said people shouldn't call themselves single if they are divorced- they should call themselves divorced because technically they're not single.
Interesting thinking here. This person thinks that once you're married, you're never single again? That implies that you can never be in another relationship. Never love again. Never form a family with someone else?
Must admit, that kind of thinking is definitely churchy!! As in the eyes of the church you cannot marry again once divorced.
However, as the convo isnt about church, from my point of view, I think you're single again when you've divorced. It holds no implication of being tied to an ex whatsoever. No more so than if you were with someone for 12 years and didnt marry. Or you had children out of wedlock. We live in a day and age where all of this is commonplace, so I really dont make a judgement on it.
What I DO make a judgement on is how long someone has been separated from a long term ex. There's a period of time that I think needs to settle before one is 'ready' to get serious again. Although, it's never stopped me dating a separated guy, I am cautious that there might still be issues. But, you know, you have to judge each person individually, not as a collective standard.0 -
I think that people spend way too much time worrying about shit that doesn't matter.0
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ETA: Would you expect someone who was a widow or widower to call themselves 'single' by default? No agenda to that question - just interested.
Well, I think a widow/er is different to a divorcee. Insofar as, the relationship ended through tragedy, not choice. This distinction would naturally affect all sorts of emotions and relationship dynamics. I'd want to know.
Having said that, I think time is a great healer and really should be taken into account in every respect.0 -
If you are not legally or emotionally connected to another person, then you are single.0
