The Apparently Rare Man With Severe BED... Intro...
phabphour20
Posts: 36
I will start off by saying that I am seeing a great therapist, finally.
I am a man, 32 years old.
I am reasonably successful (by other's estimations, never mine) in career and personal life. I am married to an amazing woman and have the two cutest, sweetest kids in the history of life on this planet.
And I have a severe case of binge eating disorder.
I have had the disorder and its trappings in various forms for almost as long as I can remember. Some lowlights...
In high school this manifested mostly through binge drinking (sometimes 30 beers in a night). In college it was stealing junk food from my roommate's care packages from home when he was at class. The next year in college I got a solo apartment almost entirely for the purpose of being able to secret away and eat multiple foot long Subway sandwiches. When I first started in the workplace (in finance) eating multiple lunches or an entire pizza was practically encouraged as a coarse, masculine show of plumage. Now I mostly just eat when I am alone, shoveling food in without enjoyment.
The result, as most of you know, is extreme self-loathing.
The nastiness of this problem as I see it, is twofold. First, we all need to eat. Abstinence, in the AA mold, is simply not possible. We are confronted with our problem's triggers multiple times a day. In a sense this allows us to accumulate series of small victories, but it also provides unlimited and perennial opportunities to fall into the rabbit hole. Second, often the physical results of the disorder are plainly visible to all. Someone who cuts themselves or takes painkillers on the sly can go decades without outward physical display of their problem. I am fat because of this disorder. People can see that. And worse, I know that people can see it. Because of the shame and hidden nature of BE, no one knows (except, recently, my wife) what is causing my fatness. I can only assume, and have overheard, people attribute it to sloth and gluttony.
I feel an extra level of shame and self-loathing because I am a man with this disorder. In popular culture it is always a woman facing body image issues. It is practically expected of them. They are Jessie Spano or Blair from Gossip Girl or the new girl on Glee. A man though? Never. We are Al Bundy or Dawson Leery or Walter White. We have issues, no doubt, but body image is generally not one of them.
Every morning looking in the mirror before my shower, I hate myself. Every time I binge, I hate myself. I hate myself for hating myself. I worry about passing my issues along to my children. I worry about not being around for them as long as I should. I hate myself for the inability to correct the behavior for their benefit. How can two beautiful kids not be motivation enough to get well, once and for all? Anyway, this I will need to work out with my therapist.
I'm here because I just read a great passage in a book (Infinite Jest, talk about dense) about an AA chapter. The community is the thing. I am reaching out, hopefully to find a little bit of that community this way.
Thanks for reading my screed. I feel better just having typed it.
I am a man, 32 years old.
I am reasonably successful (by other's estimations, never mine) in career and personal life. I am married to an amazing woman and have the two cutest, sweetest kids in the history of life on this planet.
And I have a severe case of binge eating disorder.
I have had the disorder and its trappings in various forms for almost as long as I can remember. Some lowlights...
In high school this manifested mostly through binge drinking (sometimes 30 beers in a night). In college it was stealing junk food from my roommate's care packages from home when he was at class. The next year in college I got a solo apartment almost entirely for the purpose of being able to secret away and eat multiple foot long Subway sandwiches. When I first started in the workplace (in finance) eating multiple lunches or an entire pizza was practically encouraged as a coarse, masculine show of plumage. Now I mostly just eat when I am alone, shoveling food in without enjoyment.
The result, as most of you know, is extreme self-loathing.
The nastiness of this problem as I see it, is twofold. First, we all need to eat. Abstinence, in the AA mold, is simply not possible. We are confronted with our problem's triggers multiple times a day. In a sense this allows us to accumulate series of small victories, but it also provides unlimited and perennial opportunities to fall into the rabbit hole. Second, often the physical results of the disorder are plainly visible to all. Someone who cuts themselves or takes painkillers on the sly can go decades without outward physical display of their problem. I am fat because of this disorder. People can see that. And worse, I know that people can see it. Because of the shame and hidden nature of BE, no one knows (except, recently, my wife) what is causing my fatness. I can only assume, and have overheard, people attribute it to sloth and gluttony.
I feel an extra level of shame and self-loathing because I am a man with this disorder. In popular culture it is always a woman facing body image issues. It is practically expected of them. They are Jessie Spano or Blair from Gossip Girl or the new girl on Glee. A man though? Never. We are Al Bundy or Dawson Leery or Walter White. We have issues, no doubt, but body image is generally not one of them.
Every morning looking in the mirror before my shower, I hate myself. Every time I binge, I hate myself. I hate myself for hating myself. I worry about passing my issues along to my children. I worry about not being around for them as long as I should. I hate myself for the inability to correct the behavior for their benefit. How can two beautiful kids not be motivation enough to get well, once and for all? Anyway, this I will need to work out with my therapist.
I'm here because I just read a great passage in a book (Infinite Jest, talk about dense) about an AA chapter. The community is the thing. I am reaching out, hopefully to find a little bit of that community this way.
Thanks for reading my screed. I feel better just having typed it.
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Replies
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Its so hard to face our addiction every single day. It's all about finding ways to maintain control - and having a therapist is probably an excellent way forward for that.
Thank you for sharing. BED and self-loathing can effect everyone, no matter what their gender. Lets get through this together
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It's not rare, it's only rare when men admit it or figure it out. My grandfather was 600#, my father was probably 400#. I do not recall either of them eating enormous amounts. Lots of issues I think. Also I think, and this is my opinion only, not orthodox opinion, but TMS - (Dr. Sarno) stuff going with BED. And I have it.0
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Your post really hit me. I actually cried. It's hard, I go through these same emotions. Therapy is a great place to start, it's not so much controlling the foods we eat but our mental state. I recently started running, and found out that for me it is a great de-stressor. I am trying to find things I like to do, not for weight loss but for my mental health. Good luck to you.0
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Your post hit me! I have so many times, bought more than one Subway, eat one in my car then walk into work with my "lunch". I even order them with different things on them so nobody knows they are both for me. When I am cleaning out my car of all the stuff I have eaten in secret I feel so bad. I didn't even realize what I was doing was called anything until I found this group. I am so tired of this, I weigh more than when I started MFP and this is obviously why, but I know going forward can be different. I know what you mean about feeling better having typed it. I do too.0
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Your post really hit me. I actually cried. It's hard, I go through these same emotions. Therapy is a great place to start, it's not so much controlling the foods we eat but our mental state. I recently started running, and found out that for me it is a great de-stressor. I am trying to find things I like to do, not for weight loss but for my mental health. Good luck to you.
I put a punching bag in my basement. It really helps. My therapist actually told me to try putting my boss' face on it after he did something terrible to me at work. Haven't gotten there yet but maybe.
I have gone four days without a binge and that is a serious victory. I've also gone to the gym three times in the past week... More than in the six months prior to that. Progress.0 -
Your post hit me! I have so many times, bought more than one Subway, eat one in my car then walk into work with my "lunch". I even order them with different things on them so nobody knows they are both for me. When I am cleaning out my car of all the stuff I have eaten in secret I feel so bad. I didn't even realize what I was doing was called anything until I found this group. I am so tired of this, I weigh more than when I started MFP and this is obviously why, but I know going forward can be different. I know what you mean about feeling better having typed it. I do too.
I hear you. I didn't know this was more than just my own sloth and gluttony until my therapist told me. She gave me a copy of Overcoming Binge Eating Disorder. Reading that was like getting punched in the stomach repeatedly. Every page I was like, "omigod, that's me! And that's me too! I totally do that!" It was a revelation. It is very helpful to know it is not simply a personal weakness and an actual disorder that lots of people have, even men.0
