My sad story that I just had to get out of my system.
k_nicole87
Posts: 407 Member
I had really bad anxiety last night. I worry about the dumbest things. I'm afraid of everything. Everyone has told some of their story and the only way I feel a little better is if I can tell mine. I hope you guys don't mind me being heavy for a minute but I don't go to therapy (which I probably should).
I was abused by my mom for 18 years including being choked, thrown, punched, and all of this done in public places as well as inside the home so I'll add humiliation. I could almost handle the physical abuse but the verbal was worse. "You're ugly" was one I heard a lot. She only told me she loved me when she was drunk. The worst she ever said was when I was 15 and she was leaving for work after chasing me out of the house and slamming my head into the pavement, "if I didn't have to be at work right now, I would kill you." I replied with "God can hear you" to which she replied "even God doesn't love you. No one does". I spent 18 years being terrified of everything. I get panic attacks if my husband comes up behind me when I'm cooking or doing the dishes. After almost 9 years of marriage, he has finally learned that he has to announce that he is going to hug me and get permission first. I am terrified to be touched.
I feel like I just spewed a bunch of crap all over this thread but I do feel a little better letting it out. I am on Xanax now but I feel like it has fried my brain sometimes.
I was abused by my mom for 18 years including being choked, thrown, punched, and all of this done in public places as well as inside the home so I'll add humiliation. I could almost handle the physical abuse but the verbal was worse. "You're ugly" was one I heard a lot. She only told me she loved me when she was drunk. The worst she ever said was when I was 15 and she was leaving for work after chasing me out of the house and slamming my head into the pavement, "if I didn't have to be at work right now, I would kill you." I replied with "God can hear you" to which she replied "even God doesn't love you. No one does". I spent 18 years being terrified of everything. I get panic attacks if my husband comes up behind me when I'm cooking or doing the dishes. After almost 9 years of marriage, he has finally learned that he has to announce that he is going to hug me and get permission first. I am terrified to be touched.
I feel like I just spewed a bunch of crap all over this thread but I do feel a little better letting it out. I am on Xanax now but I feel like it has fried my brain sometimes.
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Replies
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Don't you apologise for anything, what your mother did to you was unforgivable and was never your fault. I really hope you can find a way to alleviate how much it affects you in your life now, have you thought of therpy?0
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Don't you apologise for anything, what your mother did to you was unforgivable and was never your fault. I really hope you can find a way to alleviate how much it affects you in your life now, have you thought of therpy?
I have thought about it but not sure how I can fit it into my life right now. I'm working full time and going to school. I also have a daughter who is signing up for dance and girl scouts this month.0 -
I'm really sorry to hear about what happened with your mom. I work for a DV agency. You're welcome to call our hotline or any hotline any time of the day any day of the week. It's 24 hours, free, confidential etc. You can call after your kids go to bed, just to talk. Anyway if you want to the number is 1-800-220-8116. This one happens to be in PA but I'm sure you can find a more local hotline if you'd rather. Anyway again I'm really sorry to hear about it and I hope you reach out to someone.0
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Hmm perhaps for now you can seek out and talk to a few therapists to find the right one, then discuss your time restrictions with them. I don't know you, but I can imagine this being really important to your happiness and quality of life. I really hope you are able too find time for yourself
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At least you have a reason to have them my husband gets really frustrated when I freak out like he is going to hit me. I've never had anyone hit me, and I know he wouldn't do anything to hurt me (when I'm thinking clearly) but I freak out and hide in the closet sobbing till it passes. And it I can't go hide I go possum. I didn't even know that's what was going on when it first started happening in high school. The people who where making fun of me though I had fainted or something, then just left me there in the hallway so they wouldn't be late for class. I spent three years of terrifying Dr.s not knowing what was going on before they figured it out. And it was so frustrating.
Anyway the reason I shared that is because I know how cathartic it can be to just get it out. To have someone to talk to who understands, or who will at least listen is one of the best feelings. Particularly when dealing with the emotional abuse. Physical abuse has those physical scares that fade with time but the emotional ones just can't heal when left to fester in the dark.0 -
thank you for sharing your story. i hope by now you realize that you are loved and that what happened during those 18 years was HER, not you - sounds like you were a convenient outlet for her issues and i'm truly sorry you went through all that.0
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I think it's good to let the hurt out and show your feelings. We all care for you for who you are. You are loved and you are really a nice person, to open up to people and show your true self. Alot of people can't do that. Please know I care. You are also very beautiful on the inside and out. Hope you find hope and encouragement here. :flowerforyou:
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At least you have a reason to have them
That part in particular is NOT helpful. But thanks for sharing your story.0 -
Thank you everyone. You have all made me feel a little less "crazy". If anyone ever needs anything, feel free to message me!0
