May 21, 2014
KarenZen
Posts: 1,430 Member
Good morning, lovelies!
Here's our conversation starter: if you were taking care of yourself the way you would your child or a very dear friend, what would you do differently?
Here's our conversation starter: if you were taking care of yourself the way you would your child or a very dear friend, what would you do differently?
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One of my struggles right now is that I'm trying to get off prednisone, but the other meds I take for Still's aren't sufficiently keeping it under control. That means I'm in a LOT of pain all the time. I'm hoping as my body adjusts, the flares will diminish. Right now I just need to suck it up--ten years on corticosteroids is WAY too long and dangerous.
If my child or dear friend were going through this, I would be gentle with her, make sure she got plenty of rest, iced her joints, ate nourishing food, curled up under a blanket and cried when she needs to....
Instead, because it's me, I'm just trying to push and power through it to the point of complete physical and mental breakdown. Ummmmm.... hello????
Today I'm going to try some better nurturing!0 -
I have been struggling with this since it was brought up before when you talked about your 7 year old neighbor. I feel like I am a decent mom, but nowhere the best. I don't feed her the best food. She is an incredibly picky eater and eats too much junk. She watches too much tv, spends too much time in child care, sleeps in bed with me. Isn't fully potty trained yet and doesn't brush her teeth.
I am not the best wife either. My husband is very sick and I am not keeping up with his doctor appointments or medication. I literally have to get the pills out twice a day and make him take them in order to stay on top of him and remind him 4 times a day to do his insulin or he doesn't do it. The toll has been too much and I have slacked for too long. My point in all this is, it is a hard question for me to answer because I don't feel like much of a caretaker of anyone. My daughter is awesome. She doesn't throw tantrums, is sweet and smart and a doll, so I know I am doing SOME stuff right, but I kind of attribute that to temperament. She was just born good.
I guess the ONE thing I can say, and typing this all out has helped me realize this, is I would be MORE forgiving. I definitely am not hard on my husband or daughter like I am myself. I absolutely love them unconditionally. When they make mistakes, I make excuses and we move on. When I make mistakes, I beat myself up. (See above). Whenever I think about all the not so good things about my daughter or my husband, I immediately start thinking about the awesome things about them.
I will sit here for a very long time with a blinking cursor though trying to come up with something positive to counteract all my negative thoughts about myself. I would like to change that and think awesome things about myself and cut myself some slack. Honestly, why is it so hard? This is actually the root of the question, why set our standards so high for ourselves and not others? Right now I am getting mad because I think it is pretty pathetic to be so un-accepting. Why can't I just say "Good job Heather! The kitchen and living room & bathroom got clean last night".. instead of thinking.. "but the dust is terrible and the stains in the carpet are never going to come out and you really need to go through the toys, you lazy *****, you didn't really get anything done, the house is a pigsty".
Seriously... would I EVER talk to my daughter like that? Heck NO! I would be praising that little girl, high-fiving her, and hugging her and twirling her around for all her hard work helping Mama clean up. I would NEVER scream at her or call her lazy for all the stuff that DIDN'T get done.
So..TODAY, I am going to try and watch my negative self talk. I am going to try..0 -
Oh, Heather, thanks for writing all that down... you made me cry!!!
YES, positive self talk is a great idea. Talk to yourself with the same kindness and respect you show your daughter and husband. I'm going to try this too.
I totally do the same thing with setting impossible expectations of perfection for myself that I would never impose on someone else, then beat myself up or not meeting them.
You are AWESOME and wonderful and beautiful, just as you are. At the end of your life, when you look back, will you seriously give a crap about dust or delayed potty traiing? I won't.
Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can. This is my favorite mantra. I think I'll add, "And love yourself, absolutely and completely."0 -
One of my struggles right now is that I'm trying to get off prednisone, but the other meds I take for Still's aren't sufficiently keeping it under control. That means I'm in a LOT of pain all the time. I'm hoping as my body adjusts, the flares will diminish. Right now I just need to suck it up--ten years on corticosteroids is WAY too long and dangerous.
If my child or dear friend were going through this, I would be gentle with her, make sure she got plenty of rest, iced her joints, ate nourishing food, curled up under a blanket and cried when she needs to....
Instead, because it's me, I'm just trying to push and power through it to the point of complete physical and mental breakdown. Ummmmm.... hello????
Today I'm going to try some better nurturing!
Karen I am on prednisone right now too! I also have a very painful autoimmune disease... The big struggle for me is the emotional turmoil I feel while on predinisone...Right before logging in today I was beating myself up about the emotions I am feeling. I am starting to taper and know they will diminish as time goes on as long as I don't flare back up again and have to restart. If my dear friend or child were going through this I would be understanding and patient with them and help them realize this too shall pass.. Instead, like you, I push through and berate myself for not doing better...Today I am going to cut myself a break...
Thanks for your post...I really needed that today..0 -
One of my struggles right now is that I'm trying to get off prednisone, but the other meds I take for Still's aren't sufficiently keeping it under control. That means I'm in a LOT of pain all the time. I'm hoping as my body adjusts, the flares will diminish. Right now I just need to suck it up--ten years on corticosteroids is WAY too long and dangerous.
If my child or dear friend were going through this, I would be gentle with her, make sure she got plenty of rest, iced her joints, ate nourishing food, curled up under a blanket and cried when she needs to....
Instead, because it's me, I'm just trying to push and power through it to the point of complete physical and mental breakdown. Ummmmm.... hello????
Today I'm going to try some better nurturing!
I finally looked up Still's.
That does not sound fun at ALL. I have been on Prednisone numerous times myself. I used to beg my docs for it, because it helped me breathe so much better. The last few times though, I had really bad reactions and went a little cray cray on them. I don't ever want to go one them again. You definitely need to take care of yourself. If icing and curling up under a blankie and watching a movie helps, then by all means, do something that helps!!! Doctor Blondie's orders! If you MUST workout, then you MUST also follow it by some self pampering. That's the rule from now on. You push yourself, you have to follow it by some self pampering. 
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My point in all this is, it is a hard question for me to answer because I don't feel like much of a caretaker of anyone.
I feel this. My family is in Wisconsin, I'm in DC, so even if I could help them with things, I'm too far away. I live with my fiance but he takes care of himself. He pays more rent, so I try to do more around the house, but lately that's been suffering.
It seems like I always get to this point where I'm juggling things pretty well, but then I add one more ball and everything drops. The extra ball this time is daily exercise. Housework has fallen off, I stopped taking one of my medications (I need to restart it), and I'm not working on any projects. The medication I stopped taking was one of my anti-depressants and I'm a little scared about it slowing my weight loss, but I know my health has to take precedence. I'm feeling tired all the time again and I think that might have something to do with it.
If someone else were in my situation, I'd probably tell them to accept that the apartment would be messy for a bit while I get myself together. Adjusting to a new routine is always hard, but eventually you get to a state of equilibrium. I'd tell them that health comes first, and everything else has to follow that. I'd remind them that they came through a really rough time fairly recently, and it's okay to still be healing. I'd tell them that setbacks are a normal part of recovery. I'd tell them to keep up the better eating and the exercise because that will make a big difference long term, whereas having a messy apartment won't even matter in a month.
So, yeah, it all comes down to being kinder to myself.0 -
Blond I am the same in terms of my son. I criticize myself all the time about my parenting, I am lazy, I lose my patience. He is 5, he wears pull ups at night time still and though in my head I know that boys can go even as old as 7 I still feel I have let him down. He sleeps with me more often than not, I know when he sneaks into my bed in the middle of the night I should get up and put him back in his room but I just want to go back to sleep. He watches tv too much too, or more than other 'good' parents probably let their kids watch. But I swear no-one loves him the way I do, and I try to make sure he hears that at least a dozen times a day
Maybe you and I should take a moment each day to remember something good we did as mums and feel proud about that. Even if it was something as simple as reading a bedtime story. 0 -
If someone else were in my situation, I'd probably tell them to accept that the apartment would be messy for a bit while I get myself together. Adjusting to a new routine is always hard, but eventually you get to a state of equilibrium. I'd tell them that health comes first, and everything else has to follow that. I'd remind them that they came through a really rough time fairly recently, and it's okay to still be healing. I'd tell them that setbacks are a normal part of recovery. I'd tell them to keep up the better eating and the exercise because that will make a big difference long term, whereas having a messy apartment won't even matter in a month.
Yeah, I do try to do this for myself but my husband always gets in the way complaining about the state of the house.0 -
If someone else were in my situation, I'd probably tell them to accept that the apartment would be messy for a bit while I get myself together. Adjusting to a new routine is always hard, but eventually you get to a state of equilibrium
Great advice!! One thing I notice when I am down is just getting up and doing something, anything productive always helps. The more I DON'T want to do it, the more it helps. My depression gets worse and worse the more I let it win and take over. So, even if I just get one load of dishes done. And some days, oh goodness, some days, that has just been too much. I have been there. It is a dark place. When I moved away from my family & friends and all I had was my (now husband) and a small apartment I didn't leave for 2 months, I hit an all time low. I definitely wasn't taking care of anything at all. But, I got out of it. (Thank the Lord). I think that was the first time I joined here as a matter of fact.
Thank you for the parenting advice too. We do our best! Oh, and as of last week, she IS now potty trained. She just refuses to do the #2. But, she is pretty awesome. Today is picture day at school. I will share a quick pic I got of her getting out of the car this morning.. I got her by surprise.. If I tell her I am going to take her picture she covers her face.
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Yeah, I do try to do this for myself but my husband always gets in the way complaining about the state of the house.
If mine starts on that, I tell him he has two hands, he can always help... that shuts him up.0 -
Heather I cried reading yours too . It still amazes me that I see so many of my own struggles on here with everyone else. I feel the same way. I feel like I am trying to do everything for everyone else and make sure they are on track with everything but I beat myself up daily. I look at the laundry, or whatever it may be and think I really need to get off my butt and get that done and I just can not find the strength in me to do it and everything else. I feel like a crappy parent some days with my son. I tell him I love him everyday but I feel like I let him slide on things I shouldn't be, like his hand writing that is awful and hard to even read. I feel like I am my husbands mother some days because I have to remind him to do everything from taking his vitamins to changing a light bulb that I can not reach. He will not eat healthy unless I make it for him or tell him what he needs to eat. He needs to lose quite a bit of weight also and has in his own way been eating better than normally, but he will not do it alone without me telling him what he needs to do. I get so stressed out dealing with everyone else that I do not give myself enough time. I have really started trying to pick up the exercising this week and therefore the house is missing out some here too. As it is I am going to go to the pool again here in a few , and I need to go to the grocery store too but I am worried about the time frame and knowing the house isn't going to be able to get touched at all until late ..ughhh. Never ending cycle of feeling like when I am taking care of "me" that something doesn't get done. I was in so much pain from the gym yesterday that last night I was barely able to move. Thankfully I had put something in the crockpot to cook or we would not have had dinner. 0
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Ladies, regrettably, I don't have time to respond to all of this in full. However, the crux of what i want to say is this...why can't we love ourselves? it is crazy!!! Just like every time I hear someone talk about putting the mask on yourself first in event of an airplane emergency, I always marvel at how insane it feels to think I should do that...
But, I think, starting today, since I have a tough time with being hard on myself, to kind of trick my brain, I'm going to give myself self-love schitzophrenia (not to make light of this horrible disease, I swear!!! I just didn't know another way to say it...). My first name is Carly. My middle name is Michelle. I am going to name my inner child/inner goddess-to-be Michelle. I will attempt to nurture Michelle as if she were a stranger, or online friend like you amazing ladies here, and see if I can't get past that stumbling block of ALWAYS putting myself last. Even when there is no one else to put in front of me, I still default to putting myself on the back burner...I mean, what the heck, ladies?? Why do we do this?????
Who's with me?? SLS - Michelle, on board. Michelle needs to get ready to go to lunch now...and have some good quick quality face time with her fiance, so I'll catch up with all y'all on the flip side! (HUGS)0 -
I definitely don't put myself first at all. Seems to be a common theme with all of us. Having a 14 month old, 99% of my time is devoted to him, as it should be. If i took care of myself like I take care of him, I would be healthy.
Right now I have several physical things going on with me. I have had vertigo for the last 5 weeks or so. I think I might have an earwax build up that I cannot get out myself and I know I need to go to the doctor, but I can't seem to find the time to do it. I resolved to call and make an appt today, but havent done it yet. I also have bad neck pain right now that is almost debilitating when I first get out of bed in the morning. Another reason why I need to see my doctor. My chiro says its not skeletal, but muscular so I need to go to primary doc to get muscle relaxers. This has been bothering me for a month now, a few days after I got a massage.
I am preparing to leave my current job because of an overbearing micro-manager who recently threw me under the bus about something pretty major. I have a pretty firm lead on another job and expect to be putting my resignation in in the next week or so, so I want to get all those appts taken care of, as I expect my last 2 weeks here to be tension-filled with my boss being reluctant to let me off for time to go to the doctor.
So in a nutshell, it's very hard for me to put myself first. I think it always has been. My mom had a total mental breakdown when my dad left when I was 7 and from then on, the parent/child role was reversed, all the way to adulthood. I havent had contact with her since 2003--definitely a very healthy thing for me to do, but the scars most certainly remain.
~Becky0 -
Heather, your daughter is so adorable!!!!!
Carly, I love your idea! I bought a new used car this fall and named her Eleanor, and when I'm driving, Eleanor is very, very good about making sure I have a latte when I need one, or the seat warmer is on. I'll tell my husband, "Eleanor says you should rub my back tonight." Hey, it works!
I agree--until it becomes second nature, we need to use whatever tricks it takes to love ourselves!
Hey, look at that--Eleanor just told me to put on warm socks and nap for 30 minutes. She's right--I do need to do both of those! So smart!0 -
I'm not exactly in the position to be caring for anyone at the moment. But given your question I would try to lead by example, to show a child how to eat healthy and responsibly by doing the same for myself. I would make sure their days are full of exercise that inspires fun and adventure first and foremost. I would teach them how to eat and where their food comes from. I would teach them that every action they take is about respecting themselves first. These are the things I wish I was taught.
As for the rest of my day, its been going fairly well. I have a big walk planned tonight and just had a wonderful lunch outside under the shade of a tree in this beautiful California sun.
I know i know, its not whole grain.
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