You know what really really pisses me off. Is when you have a good or pretty good week, you know you definitely ate under your maintenance amount so there should be some kind of a loss, but instead of a loss or even a sts you get a bloody gain. WTF. If I am going to live with a gain I want to have had pizza, chips, ice-cream from the tub, poutine, doughnuts and all that other wonderful crap I have had to keep away from cos I cannot eat just a little of it, I have to stuff it in like a pig. It's like at least then the gain would be 'worth it'. But to have been good, for 'no reason'. That p.isses me off! lmao


Edit: Morning by the way hehe

Oh yeah.. and while I am on it all those well meaning people who think they have all the ideas on how to lose weight.. have you tried Weight Watchers? Jenny Craig? I have that Atkins book if you want it? And you feel obliged to say yes because otherwise it looks like you don't want to try. Bars and shakes so you can lose weight deliciously! Sharon Osborne YOU should know better! It's stress cortisol that's doing it.. we have a magic pill. Oh I could go on and on and on!

I saw a skinny woman walking down the street as I was driving into work wearing a sleeveless summer dress with bare legs and sandals. She looked so cool and comfortable and here I am in pants, compression socks and short sleeves because I hate my saggy arm skin.. GGRRRRRRRRRRRRR

What really "gets my goat" (<---how's that for an old fashioned expression) is the way my husband is thin as thin can be and eats NOTHING but processed, sugary, junk!!!! I know it isn't healthy for him to do that, even if he isn't skinny, but as far as vanity goes...he has been beaten with the lucky stick.

He has no outward consequence for pouring junk into his stomach...ugh!

Yahoo! My kind of thread! I love that we can be honest and not have to poop rainbows all the time!

I see so many have already covered some of my topics, but whats *****ing without some repetition.

Don't blame me for the length....

I hate that every time I do laundry I allow myself to try on old shirts that are one size smaller and that I never remember fitting into, only to find that they still wont stretch over this massive belly of mine. Yet my pants can seemingly barley stay one. I want this monstrosity of a stomach gone. I want the pleasure of slipping into a new pair of cloths, I want the pleasure of seeing things change.

I hate the way I treat myself in clothing. Because I'm so fat I feel like I don't deserve to dress well. I'm tired of constantly being so afraid of how things fit, of how I look, that I only allow myself to wear a small number of cloths. People see me repeating outfits and must think i'm a slob... I just want to scream at them that it's because I'm too ****ing afraid and that it's my self punishment for being this fat! I don't deserve to be happy with myself let alone my cloths, I have a slob of a body I might as well have a slob of an appearance.

I hate seeing well dressed large men on tv who look good in the outfits they wear. Who would have known, buying size appropriate cloths that fit well make you look good. It makes me feel even worse, that I'm not putting in the effort to look good or respect myself.

I hate the social anxiety that keeps me from doing the simplest things with people. I haven't gotten my hair cut since I graduated colleague because I can't handle hair dressers. I mean **** me, they just cut hair! How is this worth two years of anxiety and inaction? I don't know how I want my hair styled, the same way as before, don't you keep records on this sort of thing, perhaps diagram, and why does it feel like i'm speaking in code when i'm trying to tell you how I want it? It took me 45min just to pick out a scale at Bed Bath and Beyond. The benefit of this comes when I have a late night food craving. I can sit in one spot for an hour trying to make up my mind, that I end up exhausting myself out of making the decision and go eat something from the fridge.

I hate that I avoid people, even those I consider friends. The best friend who I had all through childhood works at the grocery store just around the corner and every time I go in to buy something all I can think about is avoiding her. We haven't hung out or done typical friend things for nearly six years but that one time I ran into her she still described me to a college as her best friend since childhood, and I hate myself for never being that friend. I feel the need to hide, what will they think about what I have done to myself, I know what I would think. I have done this all to myself.

I hate that despite being 56 days in this and knowing I have enjoyed every good meal I have eaten I still crave to get into the car, go to Jack in the Box and order a Bacon Ultimate Burger with a large fires and drink and an order or two of bacon potato wedges. To sit in my car in the darkest corner of the parking lot and eat it all in secret. To feel the feeling of being disgustingly full, like i've filled every corner of myself to the point where theirs no room for my self loathing and disgust, no room for the emotions. I want sugary fat comatose.

I hate that me and my mother are each others enablers. I hate that we know it and still find it hard to stop. I love her but want to scream at her, for **** sake, and at myself for saying yes too often. I miss the reassurance when I wasn't loosing weight and neither was she that we were both fat. I didn't feel like such a failure in life if she was like me. Then she started loosing again and I was alone. Now I'm loosing and she's still overweight and I know how it makes here feel and I just want her to be happy and healthy. I'm angry at my father for being the one who got things together, the once biggest man in the house is the skinniest at 190 but still over weight. He's lost the weight and kept it off multiple times, he runs marathon and cost to cost races. I hate myself for feeling that way about him because I should be celebrating, and I am, that he will live a longer and healthier life.

I hate that this will always probably be a struggle and it shouldn't have to be. This is just food, how can I, how can we, have such a pavers relationship to it? This isn't how it should be.

I hate that I put so much of my happiness on this. I know I shouldn't and I always try to be realistic, but secretly I want it to solve everything. I want the weight to drop and I want to walk out happier, skinnier, beautiful Patrick.

I want to be loved by some one, i want to love some one back. I want romance (yeah i know, I'm a man, but I'm a soppy one), and happiness, and sex. One person shouldn't have to be the source of their own pleasure for so long. I want the confidence to just go out their and meet someone, my large body be damned. Even when I'm finely my goal weight, even then i probably wont have the ****ing confidence to do it... I hate that his weight loss probably wont do what I want it to for my life.

Hopefully the journey, not the loss, will..

Well their it is, my *****ing. How was that Karen?

I think you described it perfectly Karen. I think it's safe to say it's just a really ****ed up feeling. The worse part is you have to work throughout it. Their may be addiction their thats not fully in your control but all you can do is try to fight it with whatever good coping mechanisms you have.

When I'm in the situation I let myself fantasize about it to, but I try to use the fantasy to work through it, like roll playing the binging. I imagine myself doing it all and then how I would feel after words and how I would feel long term. I know the answer but I have to go through it each time. Even then when I have come to a resolve, finding the energy to push forward to do the right thing is just as hard. Knowing i should go make myself something like a sandwich or have some fruit once I have come to the decision that my other craving is bad is just as hard. Then their are the days it just doesn't work, and you fail. I'm just happy that those days are the exception and not the rule they use to be.

I hate that I read all of your frustrations and just want to "fix" everyone. I did this in rehab too. God Damn, I'm annoying. I had all the answers on what everyone else needed to do and even what I did but applying them to myself is another story.

I also hate that I can't finish this because my husband keeps coming outside to bug me to fix his bosses computer. To be continued.

Ok I have been trying to do this all day but work and the husband have gotten b the way. Even now we are at it.

I hate that I sabotaged myself this week and especially last night knowing I had a weigh in today. I hate that I still wake up at night several time a night and binge eat although I have been on every medication in the world in known to treat it. I hate that no one seems to get that. I hate the guilt and shame the comes with waking up and hiding and throwing away wrappers when you see the damage you have done from the night before. I hate starving myself all day trying to undo it.

I hate that my husband won't eat helthy, won't touch chicken, vegetables or most fruit. I hate that I have to cook 3 separate meals a night or go pick up fast food for him or deal with a real big *kitten* who refuses to eat.

I hate that I only lost 10lbs this month and that I should be ok with that but that is not good enough for me because it really isn't. I should have lost 15 at least.

I hate that I don't exercise and that I am too tired doing eeverything else to keep my family together to even try. I hate that I married such a self *kitten* but would never dare leave him because of our daughter. I mean really, even last weekend, I over heard his step brother telling him how good I looked that I was losing weight and when I asked him about it he acted liked I was crazy and made the conversation up. Would it kill him to say something nice? Or admit someone else did?

I hate that I am so afraid I will never reach my goal, that I am going to give up again.

I hate that I let myself get into this situation in the first place. I think back to when I was 130, trying to get to 120 and how I was so nonchalant about the whole thing. Like, "oh, whatever it's only 10 pounds." I'd kill to be 130. And then when I was 150 and 180 and thinking, I'll never let myself get to 200, and then I passed the 200 mark and so on and so on.

I hate that this journey is an unpredictable emotional rollercoaster, never knowing what could set you off.
I hate that when I watch someone going through early stages of withdrawal on Intervention that I recognize parts of myself and my addiction to food. The anger, the sadness.

I hate that my boyfriend makes passive aggressive comments about me not spending as much time with him because I'm working out. And when I call him on it he says he's, "just kidding around." It makes me feel guilty. I hate that I spend an hour trying to better myself and he can't be bothered to do the dishes or something while I'm busy working out.

I hate that I'm always so exhausted by the end of the night from all the thinking and reading and exercising and counting.

I hate that I can't talk to anyone IRL about my weight because they either look at me with pity or annoyance because no one likes to talk about dieting or exercising.... wait, strike that. No one likes to talk with a FAT person about dieting or exercising. It makes them uncomfortable.

I hate that I'm spending $170 in therapy each month because I let my food issues control my life. I have so many other things I could use that money for that would de-stress my life significantly.

I hate that I'm realizing that losing weight isn't some magical cure for everything that's wrong in my life.

And I hate a lot of the things that have already been mentioned. That the weight doesn't come off as quickly as you hope. That you can lose dozens of pounds and not look any different. That this is going to be something I deal with for the rest of my life.

Most of all, and I know this is petty, but there's this tiny part of me that is pissed that all those people who made fun of me, told me I was ugly, flirted with me in private but would never date me, never "got what's coming to them" like everyone always promised. It bothers me that most of them are more successful than me, already have families, have homes, have active social lives, while I let myself be so consumed with self-loathing and the persistent feeling that I just didn't deserve any happiness or confidence, and that those strong emotions festered and kept me from going after what I wanted.

*Wipes sweat from brow* Phew, that felt good. Good night.

Most of all, and I know this is petty, but there's this tiny part of me that is pissed that all those people who made fun of me, told me I was ugly, flirted with me in private but would never date me, never "got what's coming to them" like everyone always promised. It bothers me that most of them are more successful than me, already have families, have homes, have active social lives, while I let myself be so consumed with self-loathing and the persistent feeling that I just didn't deserve any happiness or confidence, and that those strong emotions festered and kept me from going after what I wanted.

I totally feel this too. I always pictured myself getting it together and letting their jaws drop. Then my 10 year reunion came and I couldn't bring myself to go. :-(