What does it feel like to love yourself?
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1ZenGirl
Posts: 432 Member
I am member of other groups on this site and have no problem posting but for some reason words fail me here. Maybe it's because this is the place where I know that I am stripped raw. Stripped of pretense. I can't go any low that I feel right now. My heart is heavy and I have nowhere to turn.
I truly know what it feels to be at rock bottom. I hate going anywhere, depressed and crying all the time but I have to show up every day at work and every day for my son and act as if my life is something. When it really is nothing.
The only thing that keeps me going is that I continue to have a spark of hope that I can lose this weight. I weigh myself 4 times a day when I really need to throw it away. My emotions have been dependent on a number on the scale for more than 30 years. How lunatic is that?
Some days I just want to give up. But I don't because giving up means that there is nothing left for me. And the thought of that brings out a bleakness in me I cannot face.
So I am here. Praying to God that I can make it through one more day and that some day I will quite hating myself. I don't know what it is like to love myself. I'm God's child why can't that be enough? It seems so basic, really, to be able to love oneself. I want to, I really do. I just need to figure out how....find the path, as it were. I can only hope that OA takes me there because I have nothing left to try.
I truly know what it feels to be at rock bottom. I hate going anywhere, depressed and crying all the time but I have to show up every day at work and every day for my son and act as if my life is something. When it really is nothing.
The only thing that keeps me going is that I continue to have a spark of hope that I can lose this weight. I weigh myself 4 times a day when I really need to throw it away. My emotions have been dependent on a number on the scale for more than 30 years. How lunatic is that?
Some days I just want to give up. But I don't because giving up means that there is nothing left for me. And the thought of that brings out a bleakness in me I cannot face.
So I am here. Praying to God that I can make it through one more day and that some day I will quite hating myself. I don't know what it is like to love myself. I'm God's child why can't that be enough? It seems so basic, really, to be able to love oneself. I want to, I really do. I just need to figure out how....find the path, as it were. I can only hope that OA takes me there because I have nothing left to try.
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Replies
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Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. It can be hard to put your thoughts into words, that takes a lot of courage. There are a couple of things that you mention that really strike a chord with me.
I felt very much the same way with the scale for a long time. The daily number would act as judge and jury in determining my worth. That's not "lunatic" at all, it's just what you're doing now, and what many others have done as well.
I found OA just as I was hitting my own low. Look back in this forum starting in early March if you want to know more of my story.
Are you just starting to learn about OA? Have you been able to find and attend any meetings yet? When you find the meeting that is right for you (if you haven't already), you'll know. It's hard to explain, but for me, it felt like I had found "home".
To answer your biggest question: "What does it feel like to love yourself?" This may be different for everyone, but for me, it feels liberating. It feels like I am not alone any more. It feels like a huge weight is lifted. It feels like I have more happiness today, and more hope for the future. It feels like I am important and I matter. It feels like I am worthy of all of this.
Good luck with finding the path for your journey. Keep coming back, and you can do this, one day at a time.0 -
I've been like this with the scales too. I know im in a healthy weight but to me i still have the mentality its obese and its far off. I determine my worth snd what i do by the scale. If it doesn't say what i want i stay home sulk and do nothing if i go out the anxiety is intense. I want to find inner peace and confidence and high self esteem and keep it. The promise from o.a fear of people will leave us i really want that so much i wanna be a good mum i want this mental stuff to leave me so much.0
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Thank you both. I have been to OA in the past and I'm exploring OA HOW. I think frankly the rigidity is something that I need. I appreciate your comments and the time you spent sending them my way.0
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Hi ZenGirl - It does take courage to face those scales. For what it is worth this is my reflections on what you have posted here. You feel powerless because you are putting your energies to things outside of yourself. Your job, your family your responsibilities, what you think others need you to do and be. First of all there is absolutely nothing wrong with doing this but I think you would benefit from realising where you are giving away your power putting your energies into what you think you need to be doing rather than what you feel you should be doing. You are not living congruently with your true values - no not the values you think you should have but your true values.
This may be too much of a stretch for you to consider right now but consider this. You (and I am taking this from your reference to God) are a child of an almighty, omnipotent being who has blessed you with unique talents who affords abundance of what you ask for in life. Right now are your actions asking for what kind of abundance? You potential is limitless with Gods grace - you can also use this great power to bring great limits within yourself - Consider just how powerful this task is - you have the ability to make you feel so limited so low when really you are so powerful and so strong. It is just a switch of the mind away - you can reclaim your power just by placing your attention on where you are giving away this power to limit yourself.
Whether you think you can or think you can not - you are right! You learn to love yourself when you can accept that your perceived imperfections are not really imperfections they are just attributes who build towards who you are. Self love is about reclaiming your power and feeling complete within not needing to fill a hole or a need by looking outside of yourself. A relationship with another person who you want to be with no agenda with no expectations or out of need but out of love is an awesome experience. One that arguably you cannot appreciate without having the experience of "man made love". It is true that to truly love another person you need to first love yourself for who you are. This is not a destination but a journey of self discovery and learning - this is the human experience that your immortal spirit chooses.0 -
Oh my goodness thank you! Your words made me cry. Everything you said was true and is so much to take in and think about but I will. I've spent my life "shoulding" all over myself. I should do this, should be that....and to what end?
I feel like I have come home with this group, I feel touched by grace here.0
