My Enabler and Me :(
Rindabu
Posts: 33 Member
My mom and i had our RNY surgeries 8 1/2 months ago (6 for her). I was doing great until she started buying dark chocolate and goldfish. I could refuse any other junk food, but goldfish are my absolute weakness. My mind tricks me into eating practically the entire bag by convincing me that one more handful wont COMPLETELY ruin my progress. Oh, but it HAS. They make me ravenously hungry only 30 min after eating them. Then, i eat them again and i become lethargic and don't want to do anything.
It's the same way with her and the dark chocolate. She eats at least 8 dark chocolate kisses a day. Just mindlessly.
I don't want to fall back into bad habits, but for her falling back into bad habits can mean too much pressure on her spine and possible paralysis.
I'm so used to enabling her, but i'd rather enable her to be healthy. How do you approach someone you love sensitively and tell them that you don't think they (or even you) are yet capable of the level of self control required to properly portion our vices?
It's the same way with her and the dark chocolate. She eats at least 8 dark chocolate kisses a day. Just mindlessly.
I don't want to fall back into bad habits, but for her falling back into bad habits can mean too much pressure on her spine and possible paralysis.
I'm so used to enabling her, but i'd rather enable her to be healthy. How do you approach someone you love sensitively and tell them that you don't think they (or even you) are yet capable of the level of self control required to properly portion our vices?
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Kudos to you and your mom for taking this journey together. I don't know the nature of you relationship with your mom but it sounds like you're close. Go back to the conversations you had before your surgery. How did you come to the decision to both do the surgery? That may be the same road to take.
You are taking care of yourself and want to take care of your mom too. Just be straight forward with your mom. Talk to her from your point of view - what you are and are not able to do for yourself right now. I know that's easier said than done, but it may be the best way. Especially if you and your mom enable each other's bad choices.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes.0 -
Ask her not to buy goldfish because it sabotages your weight loss. I am sure she will understand.
Please take the following in the spirit in which it is offered - love, hope for complete health, and mutual support:
You need to practice saying no to goldfish, especially if you are capable of downing a bag at a time. This sounds like compulsive behavior, and you should consider seeing a specialist who can help you deal with these challenges. I know that there are certain foods I just can't eat, because I can't eat just one serving.
A 6.6 oz bag of goldfish crackers is 7 servings of 55 crackers, totalling 1050 calories, 133 grams of carbs, 42 grams of fat, 21 grams of protein for the entire bag. Post-VSG that is my entire day's worth of calories, three times as much carbs as I want to eat, and only a third of my minimum daily protein goal. Not a good nutritional investment.
One serving of dark chocolate kisses is 9 kisses, totalling 190 calories, 25 grams of carbs. Not the best food that you can eat, but not horrible if you can get in the rest of your macros and stay under your daily goals. If your mom spreads out 8 kisses (less than 1 full serving size) over the entire day, gets enough protein and liquid from other sources, and manages to lose weight, she is probably doing okay.
If you could eat 1 serving of goldfish spread throughout the entire day, it would also probably be okay.
You should make sure to journal exactly what you eat. If you do that, you know exactly how bad a bag of goldfish is for you. There can be no mistaking it.
It is up to you to make good choices, put yourself in healthy surroundings, talk to your supporters honestly, and seek help where needed!!
Good luck!!0 -
The husband was my enabler pre surgery. We talked about it before the surgery and I made it very clear that if he wasn't willing to stop his enabling, I would never be successful at this. He agreed and if I eat badly now, it's all on me. There is one trigger food I have not added back into my food plan and one I tried to add back only to discover that I still can't control myself with it. The husband picked that second one up while we were shopiing after my discovery and I had to tell him to put it back. I still can't control myself so I can't have them around. He respected that and we don't buy them.
Maybe you need to approach your mom with YOUR need to not have the stuff around rather than your concern for her. Lead by eample so to speak. Until your mom is willing to leave the land of denial and see for herself that she's still using her old bad eating habits, she won't change. It's a realization we all need to come to on our own, you know? So focus on you. Ask her to help you by not buying and bringing into the house YOUR trigger foods. I bet she gets the message about her chocolate without you having to say a word.
PS - My sister had RNY and chocolate makes her dump bad. I'm surprised your mom can eat that without problems!0 -
I'm really sorry your mum is not the most supportive role model for you right now. I myself and almost 4 month post-op VSG, and I've learned so much about nutrition and food during this phase. You know, we tell ourselves (at least I did), okay, just 1 more spoon or 1 delicious Ghiradelli coconut chocolate egg w/ ONLY 6 g carbs - that won't hurt anyone. Unfortunately, most of us who've had to take extreme measures like WLS can't do just one spoon, and it's not entirely our fault. There's a neurochemical response that we don't see that ensures the dopamine flow associated w/ food consumption is not cleared as easily. It's best to stay away from theses food all together and politely tell your mum she's not doing you or herself a favour by doing purchasing these goods.
So I've kinda progressed to a point where I shun a majority of packaged food because they are designed for maximum shelf life (which means they are likely higher in preservatives, salt and sugar being primary; and refined - fiber is removed), thus maximising food industry profit at the expense of my health. I'm not saying that moving down this path is the right life style for everyone, but looking at most packaged food in a different light may help you resist these foods, because you will encounter Goldfish w/o your mum.
A "trick" my nutritionist shared with me is to have a healthy snack, such as raw nuts. Wait 20 mins after I've enjoyed my snack. If I'm still craving Cheetos (my weakness, of which I've been clean for 3 weeks), go ahead and have a serving. What I reported back is that it just doesn't taste as good. She responded "bingo". After my healthy snack, my craving is curbed... kinda like that steak tastes so amazing when you're really hungry and kinda "meh" if you're not so hungry.
Try to stay on track and pull your mum back on with you!0 -
Thanks for all the advice.
I talked to my mom and we decided to stick to just whole foods for a while. 6-8 months of healthy habits just aren't enough to erase 20+ years of compulsive overeating. We went out and got some healthy snack alternatives and let my kids finish off the goldfish. I'm glad to be rid of the things. My husband was more than capable of inhaling an entire bag of Hershey kisses.(Ectomorphs are damn lucky)
Apparently the chocolates were making her sick to her stomach.
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Glad you managed to work it out and are back on track :drinker:0
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Sounds like a great compromise for both of you! Good job!0
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Sounds like you've worked out a great plan. I am trying to set myself up for success by saying I don't want to put food in my mouth that is not contributing to health. The only craving I've felt since surgery are for those freaking little mini cupcakes with buttercream icing. I swear, they are my downfall! I used to buy a 12 pack and eat them all and hide the package from my teen boys so they wouldn't know. Last night in the car they made a comment about them and how they knew I was eating the whole package. They are by the front door at the grocery store and they are always on display with streamers and big colorful signs.... UGH!
I talked with my nutritionist about it and I told her there would be nothing that I could substitute that would give me the cupcake fix -- I would only eat ones with yellow cake and buttercream (no chocolate) -- and if it wasn't exactly that, it wouldn't solve that craving.
So, for me, I've just decided those have to be on my NEVER list because I know I can't stop at one and they are NOT going to help me lose weight and gain health.
Sometimes we just have to say "NO"! 0
