Hi All,

My story is likely a similar one to everyone else's. I've been overwhealmed with binge eating for the past three months (though the past month has by far been the worst) just after leaving a high-stress job that was leading me away from larger career goals. This behaviour and preoccupation with food is alarming and frustrating beyond belief and I want to nip it in the bud. I've gained ten pounds, and while I'm not overweight, I know that the longer this continues, the worse things - even beyond weight - are going to get. It's beyond miserable - I can't imagine continuing this way - and yet I don't know what to do to get out of it.

I've never experienced anything like this before in my life. I feel like it has sucked the soul out of me; every single day I find myself, at some point, face down in whatever I can get my paws on (though there are certain things that tend to set a serious downward spiral into motion - like peanut butter or ice cream, 'treats' I know are not necessarily good for me.) The day starts off so well, and it's as though after all the anxiety and stress and restlessness begin to trickle in, my grip weakens and boom - we're off to the races. I hate it. I meditate on it, I try to figure it out, I try to troubleshoot it, but every day is becoming more of the same, and every night I cry, I feel tormented by it, I just want it to stop - but it keeps repeating itself.

I've read SO MUCH and it seems the more I read, the worse things get - so so so much conflicting information. I've read books on mindfulness, anti-diet books (intuitive eating), books on binge eating, self-help as far as the eye can see. I'm guilty of following eating-dogmas; in the past I've been vegetarian, Mediterranean, and, more recently (and for much longer than anything else) primal. But with the onslaught of this behaviour, and more reading, I've just become more confused; I'm afraid to eat too little, to eat too much, I'm afraid of carbs, but I'm also afraid of fats, and I'm afraid of gaining more weight, and all of it just terrifies me until I reach the breaking point where I just eat everything. Then I snap out of it and wonder what the hell I was thinking, followed by an onslaught of guilt and regret. I don't know what to do - I don't know what or when or how to eat, and it consumes (no pun intended..) my entire day. "What am I going to eat next, when am I going to eat it, is it going to start a binge, is it going to be too much or too little, do I trust myself?" etcetera.

I try meditating. I try taking my dog for walks. I continue to do things I once REALLY enjoyed despite that they are not as enjoyable now. I'm an artist, and I can't even describe how much I miss spending my days thinking about art, making art, ENJOYING going to galleries, visiting with other artists..art was everywhere I looked and the entire world was one constant inspiration...now all I can think about is food, and am too ashamed of my body and my self to practically go out anymore. My self-esteem is absolutely shot. I want my life back =[

So I don't know what to do. I don't know how to approach this. I have no insurance and cannot afford to go to a therapist or seek professional help. But I already recognize that I cannot continue on this way, I don't want it to get any worse than it is. Yet I don't know where to turn.

My current approach, as of tonight, is this; I've set a schedule for myself for the next few days. This includes slotted times for eating pre-planned, well-rounded meals, to be eaten mindfully, free of distraction, slotted times for exercises I once-upon-a-time enjoyed (primarily a few runs each week, lots of walking the dog, a few hikes, yoga, and bodyweight-training), times for studio work, and times for 'winding down / meditating / reading / doing something I really want to do at the given time (which isn't eating)."

So I hope it's okay if I frequent this forum and update my progress and seek some support and feedback, I could really use it. Once I get this food diary thing going, I'll keep that open too.