Broken Relationship with Food
GreatDepression
Posts: 347 Member
The past 72 hours has been quite horrible for me with each day getting worse. Yesterday I ate so much in one sitting that my stomach was in extreme pain and it hurt to move. I ate so much food that even the most palatable things began to have no taste.
I'm not sure what triggered such a bad relapse for me. My stress this past week was normal and I had been actively thinking about my body hunger signals every time I ate. I was trying very hard to practice mindful eating to be aware of true hunger vs mind hunger. Maybe I was overwhelmed by how hard this was and just responded badly by the end of the week. All my attention and focus on eating well, slow, and mindfully led me to lash out in the opposite way for unknown reasons.
I feel quite helpless and pitiful right now. I was walking around in circles trying to deal with the thought that my body is actively storing "energy" back in my many fat cells and bloating them up again. I wanted to lay down in the fetal position and cry. Even nearly two years into my weight loss journey, food still has such a strong hold on me. As I've developed much better eating habits, my binging has also become more intense, ironically.
I'm not sure what triggered such a bad relapse for me. My stress this past week was normal and I had been actively thinking about my body hunger signals every time I ate. I was trying very hard to practice mindful eating to be aware of true hunger vs mind hunger. Maybe I was overwhelmed by how hard this was and just responded badly by the end of the week. All my attention and focus on eating well, slow, and mindfully led me to lash out in the opposite way for unknown reasons.
I feel quite helpless and pitiful right now. I was walking around in circles trying to deal with the thought that my body is actively storing "energy" back in my many fat cells and bloating them up again. I wanted to lay down in the fetal position and cry. Even nearly two years into my weight loss journey, food still has such a strong hold on me. As I've developed much better eating habits, my binging has also become more intense, ironically.
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Replies
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Big big hugs. It is so difficult.0
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For me, it is as if there is a switch in my brain. My brain switches off for bad food and habits. I loose some weight and then all of a sudden my brain switches back on for bad food and habits and I gain everything back. I have never figured out how to keep the brain switched off. All I can do is just keep trying.0
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Binged again tonight. I hate myself.0
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Based on the way you talk about yourself and your relationship with food, and that you call yourself names in your profile and say you hate yourself here... I think you need to seek professional assistance. This is a serious matter. Disordered eating can cause a multitude of health problems. You want to change - you want to get better, but it's so difficult to do it on your own. Add to that the possibility of depression (I'm not here to diagnose you), and you've got quite an uphill battle. Seek professional help. They make their living by helping people who have similar issues to yours.0
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Yes big hugs. I've been there and understand your pain. It is such a struggle. Don't beat yourself up (I know easier said than done)...it's a new day0
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Have you sought out counseling? You might benefit from it. It sounds like you have a couple things going on, and you might want to seek out some help. Prayers go out to you!0
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Yes, I have a psychotherapist and am also on prescription anti-depressants. Why is this the first thing that most people suggest? If therapy is the best treatment we have for depression in 2014, that's unfortunate.0
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The reason its suggested is because there is a cycle that involves self-esteem, and emphasis in body image to binging, eating disorders, restricting and purging. I'm sure you are aware of that since you are in treatment. Its probably not the first thing people suggest, but your posts and profile description suggests that you might be at the point where you would benefit from that level of support. Good for you that you have sought it out. Its helped me out quite a bit and I was obese for probably more years that you've been alive. Another thing I try to do its apply Philippians 4:8 to my life and thought patterns.0
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Yesterday, I didn't binge which ended a 6 day streak. It was so hard and drained nearly all my willpower. I had to take so many mental breaks during the day at work in order to just breathe and get by. It's a bit discouraging that it can be this difficult just to deal with one day.0
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I feel your pain. Every day is a struggle for me. The longer I've been on MFP, the worse my binges have gotten. :huh:0
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I go 15 minutes at a time - I think " ok, I did this 15 min without binging, now let's try the next 15 min ". Same thing I did when I was in rehab for drugs and then alcohol. But, I know I'm never cured, since I've taken those addictions and passed it along to food. I'm almost to the point where I'm considering individual counseling for the deeper root of Why. Good luck to you!0
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Congrats on your day binge free. Listen, it's rough, not gonna lie. I've been there and back so many times I can't count. I'll go a couple months being so good and feeling normal and then bam, I've stuck in a dark hole of binge eating for a week. It sucks. Just take each day as it comes and visualize yourself being binge free and that it is possible. You might fall down, but you do need to get up. Personally, if I could just have a few binges a year, I would not complain. We all have "things" and struggles and this is yours. Be strong and believe in yourself OP. Visualize success and meditate. Get out of the house and connect with others and you'll be surprised how you might not think about food after awhile.0
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Take it minute by minute, until it becomes hour by hour. Soon it'll be day by day. After that, you may go multiple days without even the thought of binging in your mind. Clear it from your recent history and move on. Try your best. The hardest part is always in the beginning.0
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Big hugs, I know how you feel. We get stuck in the vicious cycle and it feels all-consuming. Listen to all this great advice. Take it moment by moment, just as you did at work. Take breaks as you need, take the time to breath, to refocus. Soon enough, it will have been a day, 3 days, a week, and you are starting to loosen the grip of the binge. If you fall, you get back up. That's the only way we win. Keep going.
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You can do this! I believe in you!
It is an uphill struggle but we can all get through this. Like several people have said, take it minute by minute and celebrate your victories - no matter how small or insignificant they may seem at the time.
Do you keep a journal? I mean, like a diary where you can write down your feelings etc.? It may be worthwhile starting one if you don't already do so - over time you can look back and see just how far you've come.
You're a strong, independent human being - make sure you believe in yourself. You are worth so much more - no more negative self-talk!
Good luck!!0 -
Hi, I love you, okay? This isn't your fault and please don't hate yourself for it. Please know that you have come SO far if you can recognize that you need to stop and you can ACTUALLY STOP without lying to yourself for six months (...don't ask about that specific example, ahem...). I have no advice for you. It sucks. I'm sorry it sucks. Please keep on keeping on.0
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Thank you to all of you for responding. I've been on a binge roller coaster since making this thread. I think I reached the "climax" this past day when I binged on several tubs of ice cream. In the recent past, I would binge on "low cal" things like fruit. The calories added up to a lot but it's nothing compared to ice cream binge calories. I think I did maybe 4,000 calories today on ice cream alone. Horrible. When I think of the fat that is being added on my body right now, I want to cry.
I started journaling and it's very clear to me that binging has NEVER been worth it. I felt disgusting, I'd neglect my hygiene to eat in the middle of the night, I didn't want to look in front of the mirror, I didn't want to go outside, and other horrible things after a binge. When I take care of myself by eating balanced meals, I feel empowered, in-charge and valuable. Why do I constantly pick the former when I know what it does for me?
I feel like it's my fault for buying the ice cream but my dietician actually challenged me to buy "forbidden" foods. She wanted me to challenge myself to enjoy the taste and experience of a treat instead of constantly living by diet rules. I should say that I wasn't on any specific fad diet but I did have a long list of forbidden foods that I didn't trust myself in having at all. She wanted me to work on self-trust by introducing foods that I like to eat, regardless of its nutritional value. Some days I did okay and it felt empowering to have one scoop of delicious ice cream and enjoying each rich spoonful that melted in my mouth. Other days (like today), I went wild and just kept eating it to the point that it didn't have much taste in my mouth at all. It was a numbing experience.0 -
Hugs
It's hard. You're not alone in any of it. Especially the guilt and hatred.
Try not to think about the result of overeating. Accept that you made a mistake and move on, try to stop beating yourself up for it.
Are you hungry all the time? Are you restricting too much? I get out of control with binging when I'm trying to loose weight to fast. Or recently when I changed Antidepressant my hunger levels went through the roof and the binging and weight gain followed. I went on metformin to reduce my appetite. It helped.0 -
Isn't this all so hard? I know how you feel.
im with you there blackpup the more I diet/restrict/obsess the more I binge! Moderation is the key and the aim I guess!
good luck x0 -
Something I always have to remind myself of: being hungry is not a bad thing. Whether it's real hunger, or head hunger. If it's real hunger, my body can deal with not having more calories right now. If it's head hunger, I try to focus on why do I think I need to eat - lonely, tired, sad, upset, etc? Maybe it might work for you. Good luck0
