First day of a binge-free streak (a long post)
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BoubouChan
Posts: 163 Member
Hello all,
I wanted to take the time to write this today because I have hit a really low point with my binge eating recently and this *must* stop. Except for my boyfriend, there is no one in "real life" that I can talk to about my struggles.
I have had binge eating disorder for the past 9 years or so. It started after a traumatic event in my personal life in 2005. Sometimes I'm more or less in control for a few months (say, binging once a week or less) and I either lose or maintain my weight. Other times, things get absolutely mad and I binge every single day for long stretches of time... and of course I gain weight really fast. That's where I'm at right now. I quit my job a few months back and I've been spending a whole lot of time alone and things have gotten out of control. I am at my highest weight in 5 years. My birthday's coming up and that's not helping. Yet another wasted year...
Why do I binge? I binge because I don't like myself, because I'm bored, because I'm lonely, because I'm depressed, because I haven't achieved enough, because food makes me forget my worries, because food brings me pleasure in a way very little else can, because I want to go numb. But as you all know this is such a trap, because although food will make me feel "better" for an instant, it makes me hate myself afterward, and what do I do to forget I hate myself ? Why, eat of course. And so the cycle continues.
My weight gain of the past couple of weeks makes me ashamed to get out of the house, to see people, to go to the gym, etc. Many of my clothes don't fit anymore and although I've been at this weight before, I no longer have the clothes I wore because at some point I got rid of my "fat clothes", thinking I'd never need them again...
But what is done is done. What I have learned through the years is that the first step to getting better is to accept (as much as that's possible) my mistakes, accept that I cannot go back in time and undo my mistakes, and work with what I have, today. Although part of me feels like I do not have the strength to stop, I know I need to and I want to.
I am scared of everything I will feel if I don't give myself permission to shut down with food. Not going numb means having to feel that sadness, that loneliness, that self loathing. And that's f'ing hard. But still I know that if I stop binging, thing will get better, eventually. If I continue... well... I have often thought about ending it all and perhaps years down the road that's what would happen.
What I've been doing cannot go on any longer. I am endangering my health, physical and mental. I am putting my entire future at risk. For food.
Today I want to be binge free. And I want today to be the first of a long binge free streak.
I wanted to take the time to write this today because I have hit a really low point with my binge eating recently and this *must* stop. Except for my boyfriend, there is no one in "real life" that I can talk to about my struggles.
I have had binge eating disorder for the past 9 years or so. It started after a traumatic event in my personal life in 2005. Sometimes I'm more or less in control for a few months (say, binging once a week or less) and I either lose or maintain my weight. Other times, things get absolutely mad and I binge every single day for long stretches of time... and of course I gain weight really fast. That's where I'm at right now. I quit my job a few months back and I've been spending a whole lot of time alone and things have gotten out of control. I am at my highest weight in 5 years. My birthday's coming up and that's not helping. Yet another wasted year...
Why do I binge? I binge because I don't like myself, because I'm bored, because I'm lonely, because I'm depressed, because I haven't achieved enough, because food makes me forget my worries, because food brings me pleasure in a way very little else can, because I want to go numb. But as you all know this is such a trap, because although food will make me feel "better" for an instant, it makes me hate myself afterward, and what do I do to forget I hate myself ? Why, eat of course. And so the cycle continues.
My weight gain of the past couple of weeks makes me ashamed to get out of the house, to see people, to go to the gym, etc. Many of my clothes don't fit anymore and although I've been at this weight before, I no longer have the clothes I wore because at some point I got rid of my "fat clothes", thinking I'd never need them again...
But what is done is done. What I have learned through the years is that the first step to getting better is to accept (as much as that's possible) my mistakes, accept that I cannot go back in time and undo my mistakes, and work with what I have, today. Although part of me feels like I do not have the strength to stop, I know I need to and I want to.
I am scared of everything I will feel if I don't give myself permission to shut down with food. Not going numb means having to feel that sadness, that loneliness, that self loathing. And that's f'ing hard. But still I know that if I stop binging, thing will get better, eventually. If I continue... well... I have often thought about ending it all and perhaps years down the road that's what would happen.
What I've been doing cannot go on any longer. I am endangering my health, physical and mental. I am putting my entire future at risk. For food.
Today I want to be binge free. And I want today to be the first of a long binge free streak.
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Replies
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Absolutely. It isn't worth it. When we stop ourselves and realize that all of this that we're doing to our bodies... the increased rate of obesity related illness, diabetes, heart disease, high cholesterol, weakened joints, trouble walking, decreased cardio endurance, sleep apnea, etc. The list goes on and on, and yet we're all doing it, to put it bluntly, for a freakin' hamburger. It's really not worth it. Getting ourselves out of that mindset has to be the hardest thing, but it'll be worth it.
I recently hit a new low. A very low low, in my opinion. I'm right there with you. I do it because I dislike myself greatly. I do it because the satisfaction that food gives me makes those awful feelings go away for a moment, and even when my stomach is so full that it hurts, I'm still trying to get that happiness from it. It's horrible. It makes no sense. It's wearing on me every day, and I'm sure you're feeling something similar. It's an arduous journey, but you aren't alone. Maybe you don't have anyone IRL other than your boyfriend to talk to, but you have us here. Add me, if you'd like another friend going through the same thing. :flowerforyou:
Congrats on the first day of a long binge-free streak! (And remember, even if you stumble, pick yourself right back up and remember to treat yourself with kindness. Progress, not perfection.)0 -
Good luck and I hope you achieved day 1 binge free! Breaking the cycle is the important thing. If you keep doing something it becomes a habit and the brain sends signals to continue the habit. To change that you have to break the habit and form a new one- I find the science behind it all interesting, all to do with neurological pathways. I find the biggest problem for change is where ive eaten choc for a while I now crave it every day and so for a while each day is a battle.
I try to pause before I jump in and just stop and think about what I'm about to do. Also there are 2 voices- the you that doesnt want to binge and tgat crazy self destructive you that does. Tuning in to the you that you want to be and tuning out the bad voice is worth a try but I know easier said than done x0 -
I had a mental breakthrough recently that helped me currently stop binge eating. (I have been a binge eater since I was a kid.) I personally believe it is more mental than physical. I felt like I had to let go of so much baggage that held me in place throughout my life. I got tired of seeing how much bigger I was getting and my health was getting worse. I said NO MORE. I'm going to get healthier and live my life the way I will enjoy it. I'm too young to be having these health problems. I'm only 21 and one of my knees is messed up (possibly need an MRI) and I will be needed a blood test to make sure I'm not becoming diabetic where my sugar drops occasionally. I might not be able to make up all my past years, but I can enjoy the rest of them. Let go of your past as hard as it is and make a better future for yourself.
Binge free for 9 days.0 -
Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I managed to stay binge free yesterday.
Often times when I go on long streaks of binge eating, it's because at some point I (consciously and unconsciously) let myself go blind, if you will. I refuse to look at what is going on, at the craziness of what I'm doing, at the weight that's piling on. I just want to eat and pretend it doesn't change anything because I'm already big. I also like to think that I have plenty of time to make things right... Eventually. Ha! Yeah, right.
The truth is, it does change something. Things *can* get worse. Just as they can get better. And although a single day of binging or a single day of healthy eating does not affect the way I look in the mirror, the accumulation makes an enormous difference. It's absurd to say : "What is one binge going to change?" Because as soon as I start thinking like that, it's not gonna be ONE binge. It's gonna be many.
So now I'm trying to be more aware. I just started tracking my food yesterday. It's something I've done on and off over the years, mostly when I was doing better and losing weight. Hopefully, tracking will help me make good choices. I've tried intuitive eating in the past, because that's what therapists usually recommend for people with eating disorders, but I'm not feeling confident enough to try it at this point... Do you guys track your food ? Have you found that it helps, makes you obsessive, etc.?0 -
And although a single day of binging or a single day of healthy eating does not affect the way I look in the mirror, the accumulation makes an enormous difference.
Sadly i can say a single day of binging does affect the way i look in the mirror for the next 2 days. I know its only water weight and bloating but its so discouraging. Sorry off topic, but i just had a huge binge on wed and am trying to be patient and let time pass to where i wont be bloated anymore!0 -
I've been keeping a very close eye on calories lately. I've logged everything on here to help me keep up with it. I have a personal number I prefer to keep it under, but if I go over a little bit I don't beat myself up. Part of my motivation is my current health. Another part of motivation would be that I lost 40lbs two years back just to end up gaining 81lbs back. It was a hard hit. When I'm looking at calories I'm just thinking "Are those the calories that are going to hold me back from doing what I want to do?" I do have a cookie everyday that way I will not go "cold turkey." When I would go cold turkey the urge to binge was BAD, pretty much I would end up back to where I started.
I just feel so ashamed that I let so many people down by gaining my weight back. I feel like I have something to prove. I am so much more than what they see. I'd also like to have the confidence to date because I'd love to have a family later on. I'd love to have a baby in the future (say 4-9 years), but my weight would be a health issue. I believe making a list of things that you would like to do, but you can't at the moment would help with motivation. (I plan on writing a list right now.)
I took some blue chalk and wrote "Don't let it get you!" on the inside of my door. Sounds a little odd, but it is like a backup reminder. "It" can be whatever you want it to be: stress, cravings,depression, anxiety, or even just yourself. We tend to be our worst enemies.0 -
I hear you and wish you the best of luck. What you're saying is exactly what I have felt for so long. This problem is so horrible... I never knew that food could take over my life in such a way. I've suffered from BED for two years now. For the first year I usually would binge and then fast the next day. It was "easy " in the beginning. I had just lost a lot of weight and for the first time in my life I felt fit and happy about how I looked. But slowly, life started getting in the way. Before I knew it, I found myself bingeing.
I had perhaps my worst binge ever yesterday.
Two 50 grams chocolate bars
6 jam sandwiches
slice of chocolate cake
slice of apple cake
two swiss rolls
i was so full that I could hardly sleep. Finally, I did. I woke up two hours later and couldn't sleep anymore. So, i went to the kicten and prepared myself a batch of pancakes.
I've gained massive amounts of weight in the past. Sometimes I go on days of bingeing. I recently started a new job and don't get along with the people there. My overeating was stable, but now, I feel like I am out of control again.
I've tried everything: cutting out all the trigger foods, having them everyday... fasting, overexercising, cutting out grains, etc... but the only thing that has lasted is reduced quality of life, anxiety and weight gain.
I need help, don't know what to do.0 -
Sadly i can say a single day of binging does affect the way i look in the mirror for the next 2 days. I know its only water weight and bloating but its so discouraging. Sorry off topic, but i just had a huge binge on wed and am trying to be patient and let time pass to where i wont be bloated anymore!
Oh I hear you on the bloating! I do bloat after a binge and if I binge for a few days straight, I can gain 6 pounds of water weight on top of my actual weight gain which is discouraging and sometimes painful. My feet and calves, and sometimes my boobs, get so bloated that my skin hurts from being stretched out so much.0 -
I've suffered from BED for two years now. For the first year I usually would binge and then fast the next day. It was "easy " in the beginning. I had just lost a lot of weight and for the first time in my life I felt fit and happy about how I looked. But slowly, life started getting in the way. Before I knew it, I found myself bingeing.
It was the same for me... I've struggled for binge eating for a long time, about 9 years like I've said before, but during the first year no one could really tell because I would always compensate by eating very little after my binge episodes. I did gain some weight, but in hindsight it wasn't much (although it didn't feel like that at the time). I gained only 10 or 15 pounds during my first year of binge eating. After that, there were times I gained 20+ pounds in a MONTH... It gets really scary when you feel you've lost control like that.
I hope you're feeling better today. Even if you binged yesterday, try not to beat yourself up. I find that the negative thoughts and self loathing only lead to more binging. So please try and forgive yourself.0 -
I just feel so ashamed that I let so many people down by gaining my weight back. I feel like I have something to prove. I am so much more than what they see. I'd also like to have the confidence to date because I'd love to have a family later on. I'd love to have a baby in the future (say 4-9 years), but my weight would be a health issue. I believe making a list of things that you would like to do, but you can't at the moment would help with motivation. (I plan on writing a list right now.)
Yeah, gaining after losing a lot is really hard. I lost quite a bit of weight in 2012 (actually got close to my goal) and gaining it all back plus a lot more made me feel like a failure, and like everyone at work was judging me. But you can't let it get to you... That's something I really have to work on. I am extremely self conscious and anxious. Whenever I'm out, even it's just taking a stroll, waiting for a bus, shopping, etc., I worry. I am very much aware of my weight. I feel like everyone out there is thinking "hey, look at that fat chick", when chances are they don't think anything about me at all.0 -
I am nodding in agreement with everything in here. I just turned 34 and can remember binge episodes as far back as when I was a young teen, but nothing as consistent as the past couple of years. Getting pregnant twice, quitting my job to be a sahm, having to lose quite a bit of baby weight twice... All made it harder. I got down to my lowest adult weight earlier this year and ate my way back up. Not sure exactly how much as I am avoiding the scale until my clothes feel better again but I would guess ten pounds. Working out and tracking actually seem to help me. For me its more of a mental thing before. Have you checked out the app Before I Eat? That's helped me a lot.0
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I can totally relate. I've gained at least 10 lbs back in the past two years, and that's with logging and exercising like mad! I've been dealing with eating disorders since I was 12 and I am 38 now. (Jeez I sound old!) It started with dieting that led to anorexia, that eventually led to binge eating and now I pretty much would classify myself as bulimic (I purge by restricting and exercise; I never could make myself vomit which is probably a good thing - I know I would binge much more if I could). It doesn't get easier, unfortunately. My goal was to finish July without bingeing and my last binge was on Monday...you'd think it wouldn't be that difficult to make it through three days but it is, that's how bad it's gotten for me.
I'm determined to make it through today - I cannot listen to the voices in my head and am doing my best to distract myself so I thought I'd drop in here. I'm glad I did, it has helped I think...I will take it a minute at a time....feel free to friend me if any of you want. I hope you are well and wish you all a struggle-free, binge-free day. 0 -
I'm in a bit of a hurry (been really busy for the past week) but I am happy to say I have remained binge free since my original post here on July 24. So that's 10 days binge-free!! That's quite a feat for me ; that hadn't happened in quite a while. I also walked a lot (got a fitbit recently to motivate me) and even managed to lose weight when I was away from home. 0
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Great work!0
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Congratulations!! 10 days is AWESOME!!0
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That's great! Take it day by day and stay mindful. You're doing well!0
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I've suffered from BED for two years now. For the first year I usually would binge and then fast the next day. It was "easy " in the beginning. I had just lost a lot of weight and for the first time in my life I felt fit and happy about how I looked. But slowly, life started getting in the way. Before I knew it, I found myself bingeing.
It was the same for me... I've struggled for binge eating for a long time, about 9 years like I've said before, but during the first year no one could really tell because I would always compensate by eating very little after my binge episodes. I did gain some weight, but in hindsight it wasn't much (although it didn't feel like that at the time). I gained only 10 or 15 pounds during my first year of binge eating. After that, there were times I gained 20+ pounds in a MONTH... It gets really scary when you feel you've lost control like that.
I hope you're feeling better today. Even if you binged yesterday, try not to beat yourself up. I find that the negative thoughts and self loathing only lead to more binging. So please try and forgive yourself.
First of all, great work on your streak. Secondly, sorry for posting my binge: I see it's not protocol here.
In the past three years my weight has fluctuated about 20 pounds. First year I gained about five, second year I gained another five. I lost it all at the end of last year, and then I gained 20 pounds in a short while when I decided that restricting was no-longer part of my life.
And indeed, that loss of control is enough to make you feel like you're crazy, yet it's just food, something we need to survive.
Anyway, good luck! I'm on my fifth day now, and reading stuff like this really motivates me.0 -
I had a mental breakthrough recently that helped me currently stop binge eating. (I have been a binge eater since I was a kid.
I had a similar breakthrough last year. I never thought of binge eating being a lifetime thing for me, but when I looked back it was true. This realization let me lighten up on myself a bit. With some of that insane pressure gone, I was able to work through some of my issues slowly. I had thought this was just some bad habit I picked up in college or high school, but it was how I was raised.I didn't shift the blame onto my parents, but I did let go of some of the guilt I had. I couldn't breakthrough for so long because I knew no other way. I just didn't have the skill set to manage the bingeing effectively. It caused me to approach the bingeing in a whole way.0
