I give up. Not really, but...
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greekygirl
Posts: 448 Member
I had a horrible day with the food today.
I'm to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. I don't get more than a couple days binge-free then I "forget" and give in to urges to eat binge food. I just can't moderate the food at all. Moderation doesn't even cross my mind when I'm acting on urges - I find myself buying way more than enough, out of fear that it won't be enough. And then of course I eat it all (or most of it anyway). I disgust myself by how much I can and do eat.
Am I the only one who seems to forget how much I want to eat normally and not binge? Am I the only one who forgets goals, forgets the pain of bingeing?? Forgets everything except the urges for food and how to get it? How can I remember how badly I want to quit bingeing and eat normally when I'm in the throes of the addiction? If I could only remember how much I wanted this, I could probably implement all kinds of tools and/or coping mechanisms....and they might actually work.
I think about returning to OA a lot these days, but it just seemed to make my life inconvenient and I don't think I was much happier when I was in it (which is why I left). I don't know what else to do though. I'm at my wit's end. I'm so sick of being in this same situation over and over and over again.
How do you remember you really don't want the food when all you can think of is food and you really believe that's all you really want? (I can't be the only one who experiences this, right?)
If you've ever read "Brain Over Binge" that is how I feel - like one part of my brain is in constant battle with the other part of my brain - and the lower brain wins most every time. I know I'm on the pity pot and I don't really want to be, but I feel like my food addiction or BED or whatever you want to call it is way worse than anyone else (or at least the author's). Either that or I just don't have the strength/motivation/desire to fight it. I can't seem to be able to put "brain over binge".
Now I'm starting to ramble but any advice is welcomed. Oh but please don't say counseling or whatever - I've tried that a few times and that didn't help much.
I'm to the point where I don't know what to do anymore. I don't get more than a couple days binge-free then I "forget" and give in to urges to eat binge food. I just can't moderate the food at all. Moderation doesn't even cross my mind when I'm acting on urges - I find myself buying way more than enough, out of fear that it won't be enough. And then of course I eat it all (or most of it anyway). I disgust myself by how much I can and do eat.
Am I the only one who seems to forget how much I want to eat normally and not binge? Am I the only one who forgets goals, forgets the pain of bingeing?? Forgets everything except the urges for food and how to get it? How can I remember how badly I want to quit bingeing and eat normally when I'm in the throes of the addiction? If I could only remember how much I wanted this, I could probably implement all kinds of tools and/or coping mechanisms....and they might actually work.
I think about returning to OA a lot these days, but it just seemed to make my life inconvenient and I don't think I was much happier when I was in it (which is why I left). I don't know what else to do though. I'm at my wit's end. I'm so sick of being in this same situation over and over and over again.
How do you remember you really don't want the food when all you can think of is food and you really believe that's all you really want? (I can't be the only one who experiences this, right?)
If you've ever read "Brain Over Binge" that is how I feel - like one part of my brain is in constant battle with the other part of my brain - and the lower brain wins most every time. I know I'm on the pity pot and I don't really want to be, but I feel like my food addiction or BED or whatever you want to call it is way worse than anyone else (or at least the author's). Either that or I just don't have the strength/motivation/desire to fight it. I can't seem to be able to put "brain over binge".
Now I'm starting to ramble but any advice is welcomed. Oh but please don't say counseling or whatever - I've tried that a few times and that didn't help much.
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Hey Greeky, since cutting calories per my surgeon, I have been thinking about nothing but food. When can I eat? I should pick up a candy bar on my way to school. 2? 3? My brain was bargaining me for food all the time and I just ended up binging anyways. I get what you're saying, my mind was completely ignoring the pain binging gives me and was just begging for food. I just find something that occupies my mind until the thought is gone. Chew gum, brush my teeth, read, draw, knit, anything to initially get my mind off a binge. Once that small action was over it was much easier to ignore the binge. I pre portioned all my food and wrote the calories big on the bag so each bag I opened I bombarded my brain with how much damage I was doing.
You're very strong Greeky and I hope you not really give up
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You are NOT alone - not even close. I'm right there with you and I know many people on MFP are too. I completely "forgot" on the weekend. I found myself at the end of the day logging into MFP and realized I ate all kinds of things I didn't plan to eat. I kicked myself for not using my techniques. But lesson learned for me was I have to constantly remind myself why I'm doing this. I can't let my guard down. Until I can be trusted I say my motivation statement over and over again in my head SEVERAL times a day sometimes several times an hour, and EVERY TIME I'm around food. I used this technique when I quit smoking and it worked.
I read a great blog I could relate to, you might be able to relate too: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/_gypsyrunner_/view/the-secret-club-677651
Her technique is to wait 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes - whatever it takes - keep yourself busy as Rachel suggested.
You CAN do this. You ARE stronger than food and that voice that tries to convince it is okay to binge.0 -
You're absolutely not alone. It's horrible. It's not just time consuming, but all encompassing. My entire being revolves around food right now, and it's terrifying. I wake up and think, "Oooh, yay what am I eating for breakfast!" Not anything else about my day, my husband that woke up and cuddled me, not the tasks for that day, but only what the next thing I'm gonna eat is. After I eat that, I immediately think, "Ok, when is the next time I can have something?" Like the food will all vanish if I'm not eating it constantly. When I'm alone, I hoard food and I lie about it. Like there's some big famine and I've found the last remaining stash of food and am saving it for winter. Except I then eat all of it, even when I'm so full that it hurts. I find myself politely declining outings with friends and family because I had already had "plans" to binge.
It's horrible. It's painful. It's embarrassing and it most definitely negatively impacts our lives. I'm at the breaking point, too. But honestly, as difficult as it is, there's nothing more to do but keep on trying. Maybe see if you can pick a person in this group that you can connect well with and think of each other as sponsors. Message/text/email each other when things get particularly rough. Heck, even playing one of those phone trivia games like Quiz Up with them would do a ton of good. It's one thing to talk to a therapist, but another to be there with someone who is right in the thick of it too. I think the first step would be to make it a new habit to always stop and think/question before eating. No more autopilot. Any time you pick up a fork or a napkin or anything, you think about it and what it really is. Is it too much? Is it too little? Are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Do you have someone that you can text and talk to for a few minutes while any binge feelings go away?0 -
I totally know what you mean. You are so not alone.0
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Thank you all for your responses, you are all awesome and very helpful. I'm not giving up, but sometimes I just think WTF, I am hopeless, a lost cause, too far gone to ever beat this thing...ugh.
I am bound and determined to end July on a good note but suddenly started having food thoughts (not healthy food) so I thought I'd come here and see if anyone else replied. Thank you!!! Sometimes it's as innocent as "well I can just have one" but I know *KNOW* it never is just one so I can't listen to that voice which is a LIAR!
So I am taking it one minute at a time now...I have to do this. I can't believe I'm to the point where I can't make it through an entire work week without more than one binge day.0 -
Am I the only one who seems to forget how much I want to eat normally and not binge? Am I the only one who forgets goals, forgets the pain of bingeing?? Forgets everything except the urges for food and how to get it? How can I remember how badly I want to quit bingeing and eat normally when I'm in the throes of the addiction? If I could only remember how much I wanted this, I could probably implement all kinds of tools and/or coping mechanisms....and they might actually work.You're absolutely not alone. It's horrible. It's not just time consuming, but all encompassing. My entire being revolves around food right now, and it's terrifying. I wake up and think, "Oooh, yay what am I eating for breakfast!" Not anything else about my day, my husband that woke up and cuddled me, not the tasks for that day, but only what the next thing I'm gonna eat is. After I eat that, I immediately think, "Ok, when is the next time I can have something?" Like the food will all vanish if I'm not eating it constantly. When I'm alone, I hoard food and I lie about it. Like there's some big famine and I've found the last remaining stash of food and am saving it for winter. Except I then eat all of it, even when I'm so full that it hurts. I find myself politely declining outings with friends and family because I had already had "plans" to binge.
I could have written these paragraphs. When I lose it, I just forget completely about my resolve not to binge, not to hurt myself. I forget about how the last time I binged I ended up curled up on the floor in absolute pain. I just want to binge. I plan my binges. I think about everything I will go out to buy and binge on once I'm alone. I make my boyfriend leave on false pretences so I can binge. It's horrible.
But you can get out of that mindset and you are NOT a lost cause.0 -
Reading the OP's post and all your replies makes me want to cry right now. I feel so lost and I totally understand how you all feel. No one around me does. They don't see my problem as a problem and I hate myself for having this problem when no one around me does.
Why can't I just be normal? I watch people around me eat normally. Not thinking about calories. Just eating. And here I am wondering how many calories there are in the food I'm about to eat. Bargaining and balancing food calories. I'm a total mess.
I was binge free for a month but.. birthday weekend came. I had a "*kitten* it, it's my birthday" days! Alcohol, sweets, which led to horrible decisions. I just don't know how much I can eat! It's like I'm a bottomless pit. On auto pilot. Just wanting something to eat even though I know I've had enough. It's like I have no control and I just get lost in the moment. I know I want to stop but I just can't. It just went on and on and on.
Now I'm back to being depressed. I just want to crawl into my cave again and just stay there and not see anyone.
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You're absolutely not alone. It's horrible. It's not just time consuming, but all encompassing. My entire being revolves around food right now, and it's terrifying. I wake up and think, "Oooh, yay what am I eating for breakfast!" Not anything else about my day, my husband that woke up and cuddled me, not the tasks for that day, but only what the next thing I'm gonna eat is. After I eat that, I immediately think, "Ok, when is the next time I can have something?" Like the food will all vanish if I'm not eating it constantly. When I'm alone, I hoard food and I lie about it. Like there's some big famine and I've found the last remaining stash of food and am saving it for winter. Except I then eat all of it, even when I'm so full that it hurts. I find myself politely declining outings with friends and family because I had already had "plans" to binge.
It's horrible. It's painful. It's embarrassing and it most definitely negatively impacts our lives. I'm at the breaking point, too. But honestly, as difficult as it is, there's nothing more to do but keep on trying. Maybe see if you can pick a person in this group that you can connect well with and think of each other as sponsors. Message/text/email each other when things get particularly rough. Heck, even playing one of those phone trivia games like Quiz Up with them would do a ton of good. It's one thing to talk to a therapist, but another to be there with someone who is right in the thick of it too. I think the first step would be to make it a new habit to always stop and think/question before eating. No more autopilot. Any time you pick up a fork or a napkin or anything, you think about it and what it really is. Is it too much? Is it too little? Are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Do you have someone that you can text and talk to for a few minutes while any binge feelings go away?
Wow, I start thinking about food and what I'm going to eat/not going to eat that day within minutes of waking up. WTF.
I am very interested in having sort of a co-sponsorship with someone. I have texted some of my mfp friends, but don't have a pact or commitment or formal daily check-in and perhaps that might be helpful. If anyone is interested, let me know!0 -
Reading the OP's post and all your replies makes me want to cry right now. I feel so lost and I totally understand how you all feel. No one around me does. They don't see my problem as a problem and I hate myself for having this problem when no one around me does.
Why can't I just be normal? I watch people around me eat normally. Not thinking about calories. Just eating. And here I am wondering how many calories there are in the food I'm about to eat. Bargaining and balancing food calories. I'm a total mess.
I was binge free for a month but.. birthday weekend came. I had a "*kitten* it, it's my birthday" days! Alcohol, sweets, which led to horrible decisions. I just don't know how much I can eat! It's like I'm a bottomless pit. On auto pilot. Just wanting something to eat even though I know I've had enough. It's like I have no control and I just get lost in the moment. I know I want to stop but I just can't. It just went on and on and on.
Now I'm back to being depressed. I just want to crawl into my cave again and just stay there and not see anyone.
Binge free for a MONTH? That's is fantastic! Unheard of for me...I haven't had a month binge-free probably since I was in OA, which was eight years ago now. (wow time flies)
I "forgot" again today...I am in need of serious help. My clothes are getting tighter and I'm uncomfortable and I still can't stay away from the crap food for long...it's very scary.0 -
You're absolutely not alone. It's horrible. It's not just time consuming, but all encompassing. My entire being revolves around food right now, and it's terrifying. I wake up and think, "Oooh, yay what am I eating for breakfast!" Not anything else about my day, my husband that woke up and cuddled me, not the tasks for that day, but only what the next thing I'm gonna eat is. After I eat that, I immediately think, "Ok, when is the next time I can have something?" Like the food will all vanish if I'm not eating it constantly. When I'm alone, I hoard food and I lie about it. Like there's some big famine and I've found the last remaining stash of food and am saving it for winter. Except I then eat all of it, even when I'm so full that it hurts. I find myself politely declining outings with friends and family because I had already had "plans" to binge.
It's horrible. It's painful. It's embarrassing and it most definitely negatively impacts our lives. I'm at the breaking point, too. But honestly, as difficult as it is, there's nothing more to do but keep on trying. Maybe see if you can pick a person in this group that you can connect well with and think of each other as sponsors. Message/text/email each other when things get particularly rough. Heck, even playing one of those phone trivia games like Quiz Up with them would do a ton of good. It's one thing to talk to a therapist, but another to be there with someone who is right in the thick of it too. I think the first step would be to make it a new habit to always stop and think/question before eating. No more autopilot. Any time you pick up a fork or a napkin or anything, you think about it and what it really is. Is it too much? Is it too little? Are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Do you have someone that you can text and talk to for a few minutes while any binge feelings go away?
Wow, I start thinking about food and what I'm going to eat/not going to eat that day within minutes of waking up. WTF.
I am very interested in having sort of a co-sponsorship with someone. I have texted some of my mfp friends, but don't have a pact or commitment or formal daily check-in and perhaps that might be helpful. If anyone is interested, let me know!
I am in the same boat as you are.Having the same problem, but mainly at night.I am interested into co-sponsorship myself, if you agee with me to check out each other daily.My problem mainly comes at night, and indulging in one piece usually is the begining of a binge the next day(s).:( I had had bulimia for 5 years and switched between binge eating and bulimia for the last 2 years since I started my recovery.I am currently reading 'Brain over binge' but it is so hard to stop my eating all I can habit at night.I also do a form of OA which is available in my country(Romania).I am on a raw/vegan food diet and managed to gave up crackers which was a big issue to me since I always binged on them...like till I was sick.I still have problems with chocolate and white bread....can't control around them at all.If I am indulging in having a piece it always leads me binging the same day or the next day with my animal brain telling my human brain that I need binging, that I can puke it later(which I ain't doing it usually), that I am not fat and can put a little weight on...and end up binging and feeling depressed and out of control, and the next day feeling so ill that I can't get out of my bed.I really need to get off this addiction this summer/year cause I need it for regaining back my life and for my future(I will soon finish med school and can't go like I am now in front of my future patience feeling ill and depressed cause of all that I have ate last night).I would really want to pear up with you...you can add me as a friend or email me at iulia_ciomaga@yahoo.com.We will talk there more.I found it that when having a friend/friends who are interested into helping you getting off the addiction makes you stronger and you feel so ashame when indulging again knowing that some people really care for you and talk with you to keepl you on the right track.I've found that my voice is usually getting me into a binge whispering tok me that no one actually cares.That is cause they are normal, they do not understand why you can't break this habit and they become eventually upset of all your complaining.Hope you are not in my situation cause I feel it like the worse scenario ever.We need friends who understand, cause of being in the same boat and trying to recover.PS: We can also talk on skipe if you wish.Just let me know.Best whishes and stay strong!>:D<0 -
When the OP talks about "forgetting". I totally relate to this. This is how I felt all the time. Even with Post-It notes everywhere, journaling, photos of fat me tacked to the fridge, I still binged. I used to get so mad at myself, asking, "I thought you wanted this." It's not a matter of wanting it. It's about building up the inner strenght over time to ignore the ED thoughts. My therapist calls this forgetfulness "binge blindness". Like highway hypnosis, you get to the fridge, stuff your face, and don't even remember getting up from the couch. She told me it was how I trained myself to stop feeling guilty in the moment. The pleasure of bingeing, the hormones and chemicals, take over and I ride this wave of euphoria until the food is gone.
I failed so much when I first tried not to binge eat. But I kept trying even when I felt like I was going to fail. And I took pride in the small things. Maybe I binged last hour, but I didn't this one. Things like that. Those little steps prepared me for the bigger ones. I try to stay as focused on this moment as I can. This has helped. I can't make up for what I just ate or what I ate yesterday or 5 years ago, and I can't know how I'll eat in the next hour, the next month, or the next 5 years. But I can control what I do in this moment.
I think the key is to try every strategy--no matter how stupid or ridiculous it sounds, because it could work for you which doesn't make it ridiculous at all. I tried so many different things and failed each one. But I also learned something new about myself through each one. I identified strengths and weaknesses, which allowed me to create my own path for success. I don't know how it happened, but I wish I could pinpoint it to help others. Just like a light flipped on oneday that led me to binge eat, that same light was switched off and I began to stop. One day I binged and the next I didn't. And after a while I found my non-binge days outnumbering my binge days. It certainly wasn't overnight. And it took a lot of hard work, but I started in the same position as the OP and I found my way out (at least for now). The point is. It feels hopeless for a long time, but you just keep trying.
I know OP said she didn't want advice about counseling, but here it is: Counseling won't work if you're not working with the right counselor. I was lucky that my counselor suffered from binge eating. That we respond to situations and stress in the same way. We have the same trigger foods. We both have perfectionist issues. She got me. I don't know if I would've been successful without Almost all counselors are working with the same textbook knowledge, but it's that personal connection that makes the difference, I think.0
