I Could Use A Sounding Board. Thanks

relentless2121 · August 2014

I just had lunch with a lady I mentor from a different program. She is a retired nurse who has had a few gastro-intestional surgeries unrelated to WLS or VSG. When she asked me where I am at with the program towards surgery, she seemed to contradict just about everything I was telling her.:grumble:

:mad:
For instance, she said the two week liquid fast wasn't to shrink the liver, but to shrink the stomach.
When I told her my caloric intake is 1500 to 1700 as recommended by my Dietician, she said that is way to much.
She wasn't at all familiar with the ghrelin gland and how it reduces your appetite in early recovery.
She also called me a perfectionist and OCD. I explained to her that it's different for everyone and that of course I won't know what it is like till I have it and my body heals and reacts to the surgery in it's own personal way.
She basically made me feel misinformed and I felt belittled.
This particular surgery is fairly new to my area and she is not familiar with it. I am following the program I have been given.
I could site several more things she questioned my accurate knowledge on but I know you get the picture.
She has never been over about 170 lbs. and has no idea what it is like to be obese.
I only met this woman for lunch because she needed to talk about something she is going through.
I know this is all about her shortcomings and perhaps it makes her feel better to make others feel worse.
If she would have "called me one" on one more piece of information I mentioned to her, I think I would have gotten up and left.
I did stand up for myself and told her the research I have done and the ongoing communication I have had with people who had had it.
I knew the answer was to not only not share with her about this but pretty much anything that is "my stuff."
I couldn't wait for our 2 hour meeting to end.
I'm sorry if this appears negative and how much more enjoyable the positive posts are.
But I have a great sense of comfort from fellow VSGers who share this journey as well as the people like myself who are on the journey to have surgery.
I value any and all of your feedback.
I know that I am an extremely sensitive person but I do think that she is misinformed on this topic and maybe getting a rise out of me on this very important topic. I'm on track and can't let her or anyone else (especially those not familiar with VSG be critical of my knowledge of this procedure and what I have been taught so far).
Thanks for listening everyone. You are the best.

:flowerforyou:

asia1967 · August 2014

I think you handled the situation rather well, the only thing that I might try the next time a situation like this may present itself. Is to simply change the subject. Since the procedure is new in your area, and a lot of people are not knowledgeable about WLS I would not frustrate myself with someone else ignorance. You tried to explain your situation, every clinic/dr office has their own criteria. You are learning and following what is required of you at this moment, you know your stuff. Sorry about her luck. You may be right she was taking her situation out on you. Now if you are sensitive to these sort of things, which I know you can be, than don't even broche the subject, Deal with what your were going out to lunch to deal with, and keep your personal stuff to people who can appreciate what you are trying to offer.

Don't let one miss bummer ruin your day or upset your applecart. Just keep doing what you are doing, you know you are making progress.

rpyle111 · August 2014

Being able to handle polite challenges to your decision will help you to feel good about the decision you have made. I imagine that you have challenged yourself on this decision more harshly than the lady today (I know I have beaten myself up a few times).

While this lady may not have been within her boundaries, you handled the challenge well because you are in a good place with regards to your decision. It was uncomfortable, but reveals your strength.

You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Rob

relentless2121 · August 2014

Thanks Asia and Rob for your positive and encouraging words.
She has no idea how this program is set up and the stages we go through. She also has not had VSG and I doubt she cared for anyone that had it back in her nursing days. I realize she has a wealth of information from having 3 gastro-intestinal surgery not related to weight loss. I guess what irked me was that I went to meet her because she asked me to because she needed to talk and I sponsor her in a separate program.
I know that we all have our issues and insecurities but I felt like she crossed the line. I learned a long time ago that she is someone I can't share much of my stuff with and I try not to. But with the surgery getting closer she had no right to question my knowledge of all that I have learned these past 8 months.
I am supposed to go somewhere with her next week and I am seriously thinking of cancelling as I really don't want to be stuck in a car with her for two hours. I'll think about it after I've calmed down. She is very good at trying to get information out of people and twisting it around. She is not a close friend, more like an aquaintance who asked me to mentor her from another program. If we do go and she presses me for more information I will tell her that I'm not comfortable talking about it with her. Right now though I am really leaning towards not going out with her again next week.
Thank you both for your feedback.

:flowerforyou:

Mangopickle · August 2014

Ugh. So sorry you are going thru this. Regardless of the fact that she a retired nurse she evidently not willing to keep herself informed on a topic she has strong opinions about. I once as a favor agreed to be clinical professor to a nurse who was in the NP program. She was a prior nurse of 20 yrs. she was impossible!! She was extremely unwilling to adjust to emerging medical protocols. I swear she must have been a horrible nurse because she liked to do things only the way she was originally taught decades ago. She acted like medical practice was written in stone. It changes practically every 90 days! Don't know where your lady got the shrink the stomach idea!! How bizarre! We are going to cut out your stomach-who cares what size it is! The surgeons ability to work around a massive fatty liver IS the main complication in WLS. That is why you have to sign the release for the potential open abdominal surgery(and massive resulting scar) if he can't laparoscopically lift your liver out of the way. I would forgive her and pray for her. Your regimen sounds just like mine when I was in the pre op pre approval phase. Your careful and deliberate research revealed that she was poorly informed. She obviously is very rigid in her opinions and has no wisdom to offer. You are wise to limit what info you share with her. If you aren't OCD now you maybe by the end of the program. I was accused of that after surgery because my focus was on protein and hydration. I just learned to stay focused and not mention it to anyone. It takes a lot of energy to get all your meal timings right and get your water in. But I learned, comments invite comment and invariably criticism. Unless explicitly asked I do not mention my surgery or dietary lifestyle. Honestly ,my opinion is all that matters anyway.

relentless2121 · August 2014

Thanks Mangopickle for your sympathy, support, encouragement and wisdom.

I felt a lot better after about 2 hours on our thread and writing back e-mails to friends that messaged me about it.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of the positive feedback and encouragement.
She knows nothing about VSG and it wasn't done in our area when she was a homecare nurse.
There was no convincing her about shrinking the liver as well as that I'm following the required guidelines and goals set out for me.
I have known for a long time that I need to only have occasional contact with this woman but she called on me for help and I offered to meet her.
We are both part of a fellowship and cross paths from time to time plus she asked me to sponsor her which means when she needs to talk about something she calls me. I am grateful that she trusts me and not quite sure yet what our future involvement will be. I just want to take a few days to let it settle.
We have plans to go out to a meeting about an hour out of town next week but truthfully I do not want to be stuck in a car with her. I will think about it the next few days.
I've sought psychological counseling before and although I do suffer from depression from time to time, I have never been diagnosed as OCD. Even if I was though, this woman is not a psychiatrist.
She thought she was being very loving about all this feedback she was giving me. I admit to being a perfectionist.
Regardless, she was crossing boundaries and had no right to belittle me by trying to convince me that I am misinformed about some of the things that came out in the discussion. I am accountable to my Dietician regarding calorie consumption, not to her.
Okay, enough about that. I promise. lol.:laugh:

Like you, I am also a Christian and totally understand when you suggest I pray for her.
I have known for a long time and have learned from past conversations over the years to not tell her much about my personal life as she tends to mix it up and spit it back out at me. She needs help but I'm not sure how much longer I can be the one to guide her in her recovery.

My sister and her dog just moved in with me last week so it's been an extremely stressful week. My sister has been out at her friend's cabin the past few days so I have had my house all to myself which has helped a lot.

Thanks again for a listening ear and for your encouraging words. This forum has come to mean the world to me in regards to this very major life change that I am preparing for. :flowerforyou:

juliebccs · August 2014

I just had lunch with a lady I mentor from a different program. She is a retired nurse who has had a few gastro-intestional surgeries unrelated to WLS or VSG. When she asked me where I am at with the program towards surgery, she seemed to contradict just about everything I was telling her.:grumble: :mad:
For instance, she said the two week liquid fast wasn't to shrink the liver, but to shrink the stomach.
When I told her my caloric intake is 1500 to 1700 as recommended by my Dietician, she said that is way to much.
She wasn't at all familiar with the ghrelin gland and how it reduces your appetite in early recovery.
She also called me a perfectionist and OCD. I explained to her that it's different for everyone and that of course I won't know what it is like till I have it and my body heals and reacts to the surgery in it's own personal way.
She basically made me feel misinformed and I felt belittled.
This particular surgery is fairly new to my area and she is not familiar with it. I am following the program I have been given.
I could site several more things she questioned my accurate knowledge on but I know you get the picture.
She has never been over about 170 lbs. and has no idea what it is like to be obese.
I only met this woman for lunch because she needed to talk about something she is going through.
I know this is all about her shortcomings and perhaps it makes her feel better to make others feel worse.
If she would have "called me one" on one more piece of information I mentioned to her, I think I would have gotten up and left.
I did stand up for myself and told her the research I have done and the ongoing communication I have had with people who had had it.
I knew the answer was to not only not share with her about this but pretty much anything that is "my stuff."
I couldn't wait for our 2 hour meeting to end.
I'm sorry if this appears negative and how much more enjoyable the positive posts are.
But I have a great sense of comfort from fellow VSGers who share this journey as well as the people like myself who are on the journey to have surgery.
I value any and all of your feedback.
I know that I am an extremely sensitive person but I do think that she is misinformed on this topic and maybe getting a rise out of me on this very important topic. I'm on track and can't let her or anyone else (especially those not familiar with VSG be critical of my knowledge of this procedure and what I have been taught so far).
Thanks for listening everyone. You are the best. :flowerforyou:

I have watched your ticker go from 0-23lb down in a matter of weeks. I can't imagine it happened all by itself. You have done your research and you have asked questions.

steph_13484 · August 2014

My mother and I both had the VSG surgery we had to go to different doctors that were located maybe 10 miles apart and we had to do different things, it is all in what the doctor believes is the best for there patient and some things may be better for others its a trial and error. She had to do a liquid diet the week before her surgery, I didn't and weighed more than she did by 30 pounds. It was different when we were in the hospital as well, they made her crush her pills and mixed them with water, I just swallowed my pills with a small amount of water. There are so many other things, it just depends on the doctor, facility and the person. She sounds like a know it all and until she has been overweight and gone through a surgery or dealt with a WLS doctor, she has no right to make you feel less than yourself. Be strong and confident and believe in what your doctor is telling you and in what you feel.

sarahViolet1977 · August 2014

I have to say that you handled yourself very well....much better than I would have.

What I don't get is if she needed mentoring in another topic why she would continue to grill you about stuff she knows nothing about. If you do meet with her again and it continues, if I were you, I'd ask her to look for another mentor.

I agree that every doctor is different and not every program is the same but the medical facts on the procedure doesn't change.

joyhibbz · August 2014

You handled it much better than I would have. You have done your research and are following the protocols given to you by your team. I have noticed that every Dr's protocols are different. For example I only had to do 1 week of liquids before my surgery where as you are having to do 2 weeks.

The surgery is relatively new to Newfoundland as well only starting here maybe 3 years ago. Things have changed even since then here.

You are doing a fantastic job and don't ever let anyone undermine you to make you think otherwise.

Cheers!!!

pawoodhull · August 2014

Not sure what you are mentorig her on, but she doesn't sound like someone who wants to be mentored more like one who knows it all and wants to share that knowledge.

I agree with everyone here, you handled it well. If you see her again you now know you can't talk about your procedure and process because she isn't going to be helpful or supportive.

Every one of us who had the sleeve have a slightly different program. Our walks are all similar but not identical.

You are doing great and consistently losing. Obviously your doctor's program for you presurgery is working. I imagine post-surgery it will work just as well.

relentless2121 · August 2014

Thank you all for kudos and encouragement and compliments on how I handled myself in this difficult situation.

:flowerforyou:

I am a member of a traditional 12 Step Program with 6 years of abstinence. That is where I mentor her from.
She is a retired home care nurse, has not been obese and this surgery is very new to our area, so she never helped care for anyone recovering from VSG.
I have thought about it a lot since last night when I was fuming. I am going to call her and let her know I won't be going to a meeting with her next week about an hour out of town. That is the day after my 6 month check in and I don't need her ruining that day for me too.
Although I hate to give her anything else to throw back at me, but I will let her know I will not be making the trip with her at all, that I was very upset last night and almost left the restaurant, and that this was not the first time I felt that way after a visit with her.
I will suggest that we take a time out in friendship and mentoring relationship.
As you can guess, I have no intention of ever giving her the opportunity to make me feel like I've got it all wrong when it comes to VSG and everything else she contradicted me on. I know she knows more help than I can give her and I'm not going to let her use me as a VooDoo doll. lol.

Before I call her I will run it by my Sponsor for their input but I think they will agree. Sometimes we just need to distance ourselves from people that are toxic to us.

As for my "Metabolic and Bariatric Program here in Canada, I have not met with the surgeon yet. Hopefully I that will be the next step after I go for my 6 month Pre-Op check in on August 12. I am close to my goal of being down 25 lbs from when I started the program in February.

Thanks again for your support and for lifting me up at a time where I felt very beaten down.
The members on this forum and their positive and encouraging feedback based on their experience, strength and hope means the world to me.
You guys rock. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

bikrchk · August 2014

She sounds uneducated about the process. You, on the other hand have done your research and appear to have your plan well under control. Keep on keeping on!

homerismyhero · August 2014

Sounds like a miserable person to have to deal with- you were very gracious!

Ksh1055 · August 2014

Just my two cents worth. You lived up to your name chosen for this forum "relentless" when gathering so much information on the sleeve and everything that goes along with it for the rest of your life.

I agree with all of the other opinions on how well you handled the situation and CONGRATULATIONS

Ksh1055 · August 2014

I agree with everyone else on how well you handled this situation. A few things I do know: 1) you have more received in-depth information and educated yourself on WLS; 2) my retired boss is 40 years sober and he told me he had to not only avoid certain environments, but some people who were toxic to his well-being as well; 3) YOU are to be congratulated on 6 years of sobriety (not an easy feat by any means); 4) this person brings nothing to the table for you but negativity and attitude that you don't need; and 5) you can rarely change a person's perception of this process, just like changing a person's mind regarding religion, taxes or politics, so there is not much use in trying and it uses up to much emotion and energy.

I also agree that cancelling next week's trip with her is for the best as a person can only take so much before they let loose and you don't need the aggravation.

You have a great start on the front end of the process and are to be commended.

relentless2121 · August 2014

Hi All

I would like to that each and everyone of you for contributing on this thread and for lifting me up at a time when I was felt very beaten down.
I have decided that I will cancel our planned outing for next week and also tell her over the phone that I'm gonna be stepping down as her sponsor and encourage to her find another one in the program. This is not how anyone treats anyone, let alone sponsees and sponsors.
I realize that she is an educated retired nurse and this surgery wasn't even around in my area before she retired.
I will not be going into much detail when I call her other than to say that this visit ruined my evening and I have walked away from our visits in the past feeling a similar way.

I am not out to try and start an argument, but to practice self-care and distance myself from someone who is toxic to me. I have known this about her before, but when she asked me to sponsor her last year, our relationship became on a more frequent & intense level. I have learned in recovery that there are some people you can help and some you cannot. I sponsor a few other ladies as well, so it's important to dedicate myself to those that are really committed to a relationship of mutual respect.

For those of you that have replied to my post, I will be sending you a friend request unless we are already friends. Your support means the world to me and when it comes time for my surgery hopefully in the next few months, you are the type I people I want to surround myself around and have to lean throughout my pre and post op.

Would you believe I had someone ask me the other day if I frowned at him as he walked by. "Oh not at all I said, but my sister did move in with me this week." And then the friend I was out with today told me that I looked very tired, which I was.
But neither of them knew the added stress and resentment I was feeling ever since that meeting the other day with the woman who made me feel bad and incompetent. It's amazing how negative experiences like that can bring us down so much.

THANKS AGAIN FOR BEING MY CHEERING SQUAD. I LOVE MY SISTERS AND BROTHERS IN THIS FORUM. :flowerforyou:

:flowerforyou:

VSGers

I Could Use A Sounding Board. Thanks

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