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feeling low
michellemybelll
Posts: 2,228 Member
Hi,
My name is michellemybelll, and i am binge eater.
i have always had a phobia of vomit, so i've never been one to purge that way. but, sometimes i wretchedly wish i was. sometimes i think it would be so much easier. no, my chosen purge method is through over exercising. and it is exhausting. and very taxing on my body. i am so tired of having to overcompensate for the binge eating i do. the calculating and planning and money wasted and time spent and lost. i am so tired of it. i am about to embark on such a positive new path of my life in a few months, and i very very much want to put the bulk of this horrible thing behind me. i am terrified it will end up destroying the positive and happy things that i currently hold so dear to me.
why do i continue to be so self destructive? why? i want to stop now. i'm ready to get off this twisted carnival ride.
My name is michellemybelll, and i am binge eater.
i have always had a phobia of vomit, so i've never been one to purge that way. but, sometimes i wretchedly wish i was. sometimes i think it would be so much easier. no, my chosen purge method is through over exercising. and it is exhausting. and very taxing on my body. i am so tired of having to overcompensate for the binge eating i do. the calculating and planning and money wasted and time spent and lost. i am so tired of it. i am about to embark on such a positive new path of my life in a few months, and i very very much want to put the bulk of this horrible thing behind me. i am terrified it will end up destroying the positive and happy things that i currently hold so dear to me.
why do i continue to be so self destructive? why? i want to stop now. i'm ready to get off this twisted carnival ride.
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Replies
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Welcome to the group! I'm glad you're making the decision to get yourself out of this self-destructive pattern. You absolutely have the ability to do this and with us you have a lot of support and understanding. I'd suggest adding some of us to get encouragement on you newsfeed and have some people who have similar struggles to you.
Check out the Me vs The Binge thread for October as well as Today I'm Proud of Myself for..., as it can be quite nice to remind yourself of the good that you do.
Speaking from my own experiences, I also don't know why I do the things that I do. I think you'll find a lot of in the same boat. It's confusing, it's frustrating, and it makes very little sense. We know in our logical minds that what we're doing is self-destructive and that the end result will never make us happy, but we continue to do it. It's a disorder. It's not really normal, if I can be honest, but that's alright. It's the problem we have to deal with. I've been dealing for about 10 years and there are many here that have been dealing for far longer. It's an ongoing struggle and sometimes an uphill battle, but those are the cards that we've been dealt and there's nothing more to do than just keep trying.
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It's not always easy to figure out binge triggers, and we often have several. I know I do. And sometimes I don't know why I spiral into it. At this point I'm concentrating less on why and more on how I react; how I react to the initial cravings, how I react when the realisation hits me that I'm in the throes of a binge, and how I react when it's over (which is usually the following morning). Letting go of guilt was a major step for me. That doesn't mean I'm not disappointed, but I'm not racked with guilt that drives me to do self destructive things. I look at binge eating as a disease. I don't feel guilty when my allergies act up so why should I feel guilty when my binge eating acts up? There are things I can do to prevent my allergies from manifesting and same for binge eating. And sometimes it's just going to happen. There are several threads in the group with ideas to help!0
