Don't want to be a fat wife

Options
thom2369
thom2369 Posts: 271 Member
I know that some people might have a problem with the ideas of women gaining weight in a marriage. Does it matter or doesn't it matter? Is it just superficiality? Many women seem to think they deserve unconditional love from their husband no matter what happens.

So...

What about when a woman gains a lot of weight and her husband is embarrassed to be seen with her and can't even bring himself to make love to her anymore? Maybe he still loves her and likes her but looking at her body makes him just feel sad and angry.

Talk about a worst nightmare. I am not married yet but I want to ensure that I will never go down that road. I think I have the possibility to do this. I never took pride in my body before and that lead me to being close to 170 pounds for much of my young adult life. The thought that I could easily get to and stay at that weight scares me for my future. I really don't want to let that happen again.

I used to think that being fat didn't matter. Now, I am thinking differently. I think it does matter. I think attractiveness does matter.

Replies

  • tayloryay
    tayloryay Posts: 378 Member
    Options
    I think it would take a lot to reach a point where it was a serious problem. It also very much depends on the guy. The important thing is to take care of yourself and be healthy! Weight and appearance matter in that they're related to your physical and mental well-being. As long as you're happy and healthy, your partner will probably be happy with you! Also, one doesn't balloon up over night, so I'm sure if he had a problem with it, there would be a lot of time to discuss it before it got to a very serious point.

    Physical attraction is definitely an important part of a relationship, but not to the point of superficiality! Someone shouldn't scold their partner over a couple extra pounds, but if they have serious concerns about their health then it should be discussed. Communication is key!
  • teresand77
    teresand77 Posts: 34 Member
    Options
    Attractiveness matters, in my opinion. I want my husband to be attracted to me and I want to be attracted to him. If he gained a lot of weight I would be less attracted to him and that would have a negative effect on our marriage. But, on the other side, gaining a lot of weight will ultimately affect your health too and that's unfair to your husband and kids to have to possibly take care of you in the future, pay more towards your health care, and possibly lose you at a younger age. And, it's important to note that I'm not talking about 5-10 extra pounds here but a more significant weight gain.
  • GSXRGIRL61
    GSXRGIRL61 Posts: 6,178 Member
    Options
    You should read the book "His Needs, Her Needs," which is about how to affair proof your marriage. It tells about the top ten things most men need and the top ten things most women need. For men, sex is, of course #1 on the hit parade. Also on the top ten are a recreational playmate and . . . for his mate to remain in basically the same shape as when he met her. The man who wrote the book is a marriage counselor (or something like that), and he tells about an obese young woman who decided she wanted to get married. She lost 100 lbs. and started working out at the gym. I'm pretty sure she met her husband at the gym. They worked out together, got married, etc. Once they were married, she figured she'd landed him and didn't need to work out or continue to eat healthily. She gained back all the weight she had lost. The husband was astounded. He'd never seen her when she was obese, so he felt as though he'd been scammed. The wife felt that he should love her unconditionally, no matter how much she weighed. She refused to lose weight, and the marriage failed.

    The thing is, though, you should want to stay at a healthy weight for yourself more than for anyone else. I want to be attractive to my husband, but I also want to remain free from the joint pain that comes with being overweight, I want to be able to hike mountains, I want to fit into my motorcycle leathers, I want to be healthy, AND I want to wear cute clothes. (The last reason is really shallow, but really, cute clothes make it way easier to want to go to work in the mornings.)

    BTW, the book is dead on when it comes to my husband. It's also pretty dead on when it comes to my needs, too.
  • tayloryay
    tayloryay Posts: 378 Member
    Options
    If she met her husband at the gym, then stopped being active, it's more like she lied to him about the kind of lifestyle she was leading. Then refusing to compromise on top of that, it's no wonder they had problems. As they say, never stop dating your spouse! You should always be trying to impress them, but at the same time they should love you for who you are. Now, if you mislead them as to who that is then don't be surprised when they get upset! If you meet someone who loves sports, and go on and on about how you love sports too to get them to like you, then get married and suddenly you hate sports, yeah the relationship is gonna fail!
  • GSXRGIRL61
    GSXRGIRL61 Posts: 6,178 Member
    Options
    . As they say, never stop dating your spouse!

    I think that's the most important advice of all. It's hard to do when so many "life" things are pulling at us, but it is essential.
  • Notreadytoquit
    Notreadytoquit Posts: 231 Member
    Options
    Last winter I had the family 8mm movies digitalized. One had my husband of 40 years before he looked like a 9 1/2 month pregnant man.

    I am disappointed. I have maintained a healthy diet & active lifestyle despite him. Talk about false advertising. When we were courting his apartment was spotless, his meals healthy & interesting. We went caving and hiking and we worked together.

    Now he sits in a chair and watches sports. He drinks & smokes a lot. Is oblivious to how he looks and how his weight impacts his health: can't bend over ... has to crawl around on the floor to reach bottom shelve ... on & on & on. It's pathetic. My son & I discuss how we will handle him when he strokes out. It's totally sad, the opposite of sexy and as I said before ... I'm disappointed.

    One thing I know is you can't make someone change. They have to want that for themself.
  • dancedivine
    dancedivine Posts: 18 Member
    Options
    You should read the book "His Needs, Her Needs," which is about how to affair proof your marriage. It tells about the top ten things most men need and the top ten things most women need.

    Great book!!! And, yes, I think it's really important to take care of yourself throughout your marriage.... I've been married for over a decade & my hubby and I are both serious about healthy eating and exercise. He's not letting himself go, and I'm not either. It's important to both of us.... But, there are some men who care more about appearances than others.... For instance, my hubby really doesn't care if I cut off my hair & sport a pixie cut. He doesn't care if I wear my gym clothes all day long. But, there are some men who put a lot of stock into their woman's appearance (hair, clothes, etc). Still.... Despite hair/ make-up/ clothes, your good health is VASTLY important! It's important to YOU - not just your man. So, do it for you.... and, he'll benefit in the process. ;)
  • mckaytobe
    mckaytobe Posts: 56 Member
    Options
    My husband is very supportive. We met when I was heavier than I am now. I was about 65kg. I got up to 72kg before I lost weight. I got down to 51kg and I am back up to 59kg after 2 years of keeping it off. Looking to get down a little bit lower-maybe lose 5kg.

    When I'm not feeling great about myself, my sex drive is way off. Because I'm not feeling sexy, I don't feel like sex. My husband doesn't complain and is very supportive but then I'm feeling guilty because I feel like I'm holding out on him.

    My fear is being the fat wife and him turning off me, but while thinking that way I am pulling away from sex even though he is attracted to me...it's a vicious cycle.

    Any suggestions?
  • sarahjane135
    sarahjane135 Posts: 40 Member
    Options
    I'm on board for trying to look good and stay in shape but we do deserve unconditional love and so do the husbands. After 15 years of marriage I guarantee that your husband will see a lot grosser things than a few fat rolls. There's stomach viruses, walking in on each other accidently in the bathroom, omg CHILDBIRTH, my husband watched my c- section he seen them lay my guts up on my stomach. If you make it a long time in a marriage then the visuals won't matter as much.
  • mckaytobe
    mckaytobe Posts: 56 Member
    Options
    Haha you're so right. Open doors in a marriage and true love sees through all and sees the true person. Marriage takes work but if you are both willing to work at it then all should be fine :)
  • leahhugh
    leahhugh Posts: 144 Member
    Options
    I think attractiveness matters as well. Though, you can't expect your spouse to look like a fitness model - unless their job is revolved around fitness, and even then, every body is different. After my husband and I were married, we didn't put on much weight like everyone says, just about 10-15lb each. Though, we did also move to another country. I am a stay-at-home wife, which many may label as someone overweight and lazy, and, being a military wife, there is that label too. Sarahjane135 is right, there is far worse (illness, 'woman time', and childbirth among many others) things to worry about with your spouse than a little chunk!

    My husband and I have talked about letting ourselves go, in our later years. I want him to be attracted to me, just like I am attracted to him and along with that mindset, as well as his workout schedule, I find motivation to eat better and do some sort of workout. You need a HEALTHY body and if you feel good about yourselves, you'll feel better about your relationship, I'd say!
  • edyn_Blair
    edyn_Blair Posts: 44 Member
    Options
    I personally think you are looking at it the wrong way. saying "attractiveness matters" is not the mindset you should be in. "Health Matters" is where you should be, be healthy and be yourself and you will be beautiful from the inside out no matter what.

    I was almost 180lbs in Nov.2012 and I have been working slow and steady on my health and fitness goals now hitting 137lbs and setting a goal to be in a fitness bikini competition. I came into it wanting to be healthy for me and no one else, that reason still hasn't changed. I have seen plenty of beautiful plus size girls. Their attitude and confidence is what makes them attractive. you can be the fittest girl with gorgeous hair and amazing skin and bone structure, but if you aren't genuine, confident, and caring then people will still find you unattractive. Be healthy and happy, and your beauty will show through on it's own.
  • lizparis72614
    lizparis72614 Posts: 3 Member
    Options
    I just got married three months ago, and I'm terrified of becoming a "fat wife." My mom and many of my siblings are overweight, and that is not a road I want to go down. My weight has fluctuated my entire life...at one point, I was anorexic, lost almost 60 pounds, wore a size 0 and only weighed about 110 pounds, which is not good for me because I'm 5'7 and my "healthy weight" is higher than that. I beat anorexia, but now I'm trying to lose weight without getting caught up in that again. I've gained 5-10 pounds since we've gotten married, and I hate it. My husband says he doesn't care and he thinks I'm beautiful, but it bothers me. I also have a major sweet tooth, so when we're out shopping I try to keep him from buying things that will be a temptation for me, but he's still constantly bringing unhealthy food home but then he doesn't even eat it, I do! Any advice? I can't get him to eat any vegetables, either.
  • lizparis72614
    lizparis72614 Posts: 3 Member
    Options
    Now I weigh like 160-170 pounds :(
  • lizparis72614
    lizparis72614 Posts: 3 Member
    Options
    And I feel like I mostly carry the weight pretty well; I have a big butt and big boobs so that's where a lot of it is, but my arms are getting flabby and you can start to see the extra fat on my stomach :\
  • ElisaMicciulli
    ElisaMicciulli Posts: 41 Member
    Options
    lizparis72614- I understand how you feel. I've been married almost 20 years. I was 102 pounds when I got married. I am only 5'2'' so I might have been a bit thin. A year after getting married, I stopped smoking and gained 10 pounds and looked very healthy. Then I got pregnant. I gained 60 pounds for each of my 3 pregnancies but was lucky and lost all the baby weight by the time each child was 6 months old. When I was 34 (the age I thought I looked my best) I was 116 pounds. I felt great inside and out, I was confident and happy. Then as I got into my late 30's and early 40's (I am now 42) I gained an additional 30 plus pounds. Now I am 152 and struggling every day and obsessing on my weight. I feel fat, I feel like I look fat and I am very uncomfortable. My husband says he loves me regardless, but it has to bother him. I think about how I look all day. I grab the love handles on the sides of my back all day hoping they get smaller..and they don't. I started Paleo 2 weeks ago and GAINED 1/2 a pound. I'm not giving up, hopefully things will turn around with my weight soon. Wish me luck!!
  • WantBestME
    WantBestME Posts: 128 Member
    Options
    I gained close to 50lbs during my pregnancy. I was restricted from dieting and exercising(due to spinal cord problems) till my baby was 6 months old. I was 160lbs when my baby was 6 months. But my hubby was constantly confirming that i was looking good and the weight will go off by itself once i reduced breastfeeding (i.e in another couple of years). But my mom made me realize that i have to lose weight and people are criticizing me on my back.

    I waged a bet that i'll reduce my weight before my son's 1st birthday and now 2 months to his birthday, i haven't reached the goal but i am close to it at 138-140lbs. Recently, a relative saw me after 4 months gap and she was talking about how i loosed so much weight in few months in front of my hubby and another stranger walked up to me and told that i looked pretty. Back to home, my husband was so happy and was enacting the praises :smiley:

    He then told me , that people criticized my weight to him also, stating that my mom was
    much lighter that me! He didn't tell that to me then because i would be hurt.

    Husbands who love, will love you no matter what. But becoming healthy and slim, is in turn a reward from us to the loving husband!