Almost to one year out...
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Thaeda
Posts: 834 Member
Promised to share the good and the bad with regard to my weight loss/surgery.... so now, it has almost been a year since I had a vertical sleeve gastrectomy. I have lost 116 pounds. I can wear "normal" sized clothes and get lots of compliments-- especially from people who have not seen me in awhile. But here is the side no one tells you about with weight loss......looking at myself is surreal--and oddly, uncomfortable. Part of me is thrilled to see collar bones and cheek bones, to look down and see my slender arms and so much thinner legs-- but the other part of me is terrified. Every time I get a compliment about how "great" I look it is like an icy fist in my gut because I am scared out of my mind.
I have always been awesome at losing weight. Always. I have lost several hundred pounds throughout the course of my "dieting career". What I have NEVER been able to do?- keep it off. Not once. Not ever. And with a track record like that I am stone cold terrified the weight will come back on. But it gets worse. I know what we give energy to, grows, so as soon as I realize I am scared then I am upset THAT I am scared because I realize fear grows more fear and focusing on what I am afraid will happen is the very way to attract it. Great, huh?
I find myself getting increasingly obsessed with what I am and I am not eating. I track my calories and put a great deal of effort into figuring out ways to eat as little as possible, with as few calories as possible. For now, I am within the calorie range suggested by my nutritionist, but my thinking is out of whack and I know it. I feel like I am sitting on the edge of a binge every few days. My emotions are all over the place. It takes discipline to not work out more than once per day, as I would love to burn more and more and more calories.
I am drinking lots of hot tea and decaf coffee to keep my stomach feeling full. I put off eating as long as I can and then when I do eat, cut my food into tiny pieces so it takes longer to eat and makes me feel full that much quicker (oh my God just reading this makes me want to delete the whole thing-- I sound like a lunatic). I am smoking more than I was before (I was thisclose to quitting-- down to just a few cigs per day) because it suppresses my appetite.
I feel like a total fraud. People tell me I am an inspiration. REALLY? What part of ANY of this is inspiring? The part where I am ignoring hunger for hours or the part where every once in awhile when I cannot take the pressure anymore, I stuff my face with leftover Christmas cookies from the freezer? Yes. That is something to emulate, folks! Let's all do THAT. OMG. It's just sick. So no one look up to me. No one call me an inspiration. What I am is one effed up, crazy, body dysmorphic, eating disordered WRECK.
I have been advised to give up the belief I cannot keep the weight off. Brilliant suggestion. But if I did that, I might have to give up all of my crazy, disordered behavior- and I am not ready to do that yet. Disordered thinking and eating is as much a part of me as anything I can think of and while I hate having an eating disorder/Ed, like that old, abusive, long-time boyfriend you just can't quit for good - I am not ready to break up with "Ed" just yet. Because if I did-- I might start gaining the weight back... and it is just too big a risk to take.
I have always been awesome at losing weight. Always. I have lost several hundred pounds throughout the course of my "dieting career". What I have NEVER been able to do?- keep it off. Not once. Not ever. And with a track record like that I am stone cold terrified the weight will come back on. But it gets worse. I know what we give energy to, grows, so as soon as I realize I am scared then I am upset THAT I am scared because I realize fear grows more fear and focusing on what I am afraid will happen is the very way to attract it. Great, huh?
I find myself getting increasingly obsessed with what I am and I am not eating. I track my calories and put a great deal of effort into figuring out ways to eat as little as possible, with as few calories as possible. For now, I am within the calorie range suggested by my nutritionist, but my thinking is out of whack and I know it. I feel like I am sitting on the edge of a binge every few days. My emotions are all over the place. It takes discipline to not work out more than once per day, as I would love to burn more and more and more calories.
I am drinking lots of hot tea and decaf coffee to keep my stomach feeling full. I put off eating as long as I can and then when I do eat, cut my food into tiny pieces so it takes longer to eat and makes me feel full that much quicker (oh my God just reading this makes me want to delete the whole thing-- I sound like a lunatic). I am smoking more than I was before (I was thisclose to quitting-- down to just a few cigs per day) because it suppresses my appetite.
I feel like a total fraud. People tell me I am an inspiration. REALLY? What part of ANY of this is inspiring? The part where I am ignoring hunger for hours or the part where every once in awhile when I cannot take the pressure anymore, I stuff my face with leftover Christmas cookies from the freezer? Yes. That is something to emulate, folks! Let's all do THAT. OMG. It's just sick. So no one look up to me. No one call me an inspiration. What I am is one effed up, crazy, body dysmorphic, eating disordered WRECK.
I have been advised to give up the belief I cannot keep the weight off. Brilliant suggestion. But if I did that, I might have to give up all of my crazy, disordered behavior- and I am not ready to do that yet. Disordered thinking and eating is as much a part of me as anything I can think of and while I hate having an eating disorder/Ed, like that old, abusive, long-time boyfriend you just can't quit for good - I am not ready to break up with "Ed" just yet. Because if I did-- I might start gaining the weight back... and it is just too big a risk to take.
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I can relate to so much of this Thaeda. I haven't struggled as much as you have, but I have had a lot of the same feelings. I look at my body now and there are things I like and things I don't like. I really had no idea what to expect as far as how my body looks after losing over 200 lbs. This is it. I have to get used to it. This is how I look, and sometimes I feel like I am looking at another person.
I can relate to the fear of gaining weight back. In the past there was usually at a certain point after losing weight where it would start creeping back up. It hasn't happened, but that old thinking still raises that fear in me sometimes and it's super uncomfortable. THat is the biggest fear of weight loss surgery patients, I think. I have very close friends who gained a lot of weight back and I think, "Could that be me some time?" But I cannot let that happen and I refuse to. The only thing I can say is that for me, therapy helped me break up with that old boyfriend Ed. It helped me change my thinking and perspective, and I don't think I could have done this without that help.
I feel where you are coming from, I still have days that are challenging, but I hope you can see that you are an inspiration. You HAVE made progress. You HAVE lost weight and made this work. You are honest and real and you are willing to share your experience with others, and when you do share, it really means a lot to a lot of people. I really appreciate you being part of this group.0 -
The only thing I can say is that for me, therapy helped me break up with that old boyfriend Ed. It helped me change my thinking and perspective, and I don't think I could have done this without that help.
I went to therap pre surgery and the therapist did not think there was much to address.... maybe I could give it another try. Will take it under consideration...I feel where you are coming from, I still have days that are challenging, but I hope you can see that you are an inspiration. You HAVE made progress. You HAVE lost weight and made this work. You are honest and real and you are willing to share your experience with others, and when you do share, it really means a lot to a lot of people. I really appreciate you being part of this group.
Thanks much. I suppose what I wanted was for me to get here without all of the crazy-- THEN I would feel like I had succeeded-- like where you are, 2 years out. I read your post about your 2 years--- now THAT is inspirational. And healthy. And whole. That's what I want.
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Thaeda, I hear you but I have to say that no one expects you to be perfect or more perfect than them to be an inspiration. at least I don't. We all got that good, bad and ugly. Half of what you said could have easily came from me....Thank you for keeping it 100% real sometimes the real feels really ugly..... Just the fact that you gave voice to this truth is inspirational and it also tells me there is an awareness and movement towards improving these issues... Some of us won't even acknowledge them. I believe you will find your way to bring more whole along this journey. God bless you lady! Gid bless all of us.0
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I love your HONESTY Thaeda. Recovery is all about sharing your EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH and HOPE. It's also about HONESTY, OPEN-MINDEDNESS & WILLINGNESS (HOW). Recovery is about PROGRESS , NOT PERFECTION. Many of us struggle with being perfectionist & with LOVING OURSELVES. Thank you so very very much for SHARING from the HEART. You speak for many of us my friend.
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Hang in there, Thaeda! I think one of the reasons you have been so inspiring is that you have always selflessly shared both your successes and your struggles. You really helped pre-op me understand a fuller picture of what was to come. I think we all have demons that lurk and wait for their opportunity to pounce, and keeping them at bay is part of this journey. I hope you realize that you are stronger than your demons and continue the good fight that got you to the place you are today!
Rob0 -
I really needed this today. This is why you are the inspiration to us/me. I just went through my closet and removed all of my big clothes. I was very scared. I ate 5 pieces of chocolate to calm myself. Then I was mad at myself thinking nobody else does this. Instead of feeling great that I could get into smaller sizes I felt like why get rid of the big clothes "What if I fail!". Know that I am not alone in my struggles gives me hope. You are 1 year out and you have made tremendous progress. I hope at one year out I am where you are. I know that everyone's journey is a little different but in the end we are the same and we all have the same fears at one point of time or the other. This is what makes us keep going. Keep up the good work you are doing great.0
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I can SO relate to this having lost the same 50 pounds multiple times over my 48 years and typically gaining it back with interest! I've been on the maintenance train for about 8 months now. I weigh once per week to check in with myself. Thru my first year I logged everything, but eventually I purposely stopped. It was hard to let go of that comfort, but I felt my head wasn't in a healthy place with it... felt kind of OCD about it. Now I log only my weekly weight. It's been fine so far. I gain a bit, I take it off.
For me, it's like this... I am not on a diet anymore. There are no good or bad foods. There are foods that are better nutritional choices and I need to make sure I get what my body needs, (I still use protein supplements every day and likely always will) but if I choose to work in a cookie or 2 it won't kill me. I will not gain 5 pounds because of 2 cookies. Cookies are FINE in moderation and I don't beat myself up for the occasional indescretion. If I make good choices 80% of the time, and maintain my exercise routine, I can maintain or even lose a bit. If I make really bad choices for an extended period, (happened on vacation), I'll probably gain a bit. Five pounds in 4 days scared the crap out of me! But I made good choices the next week, rode my bike every morning as is my habit now and I was back where I belonged the next weekend!
People think that the "surgery" is the hard part in all of this. It is not! Surgery its self is a blip on the radar. The complete mind f^c% that this can be if we let it is the excruciating part! Know that perfection is not possible or even desirable! Be kind to yourself. This time is different because we have a tool to keep us from over eating. (Mine still reminds me with predjudice occasionally :-o) Find a good therapist. They can be another tool for success. And congratulations on your achievement!0 -
Thaeda,
I have always liked the things you write, and this time is no exception. I believe the same problem is why we all have been on the diet rollercoaster. The lifestyle changes have to become natural as well as choices. Food has been my favorite friend all this time, it never judged me, and always made me feel good. Giving up my good friend is harder than eating what my Nut team tells me to. I sometimes think I'll just go nuts thinking about food and more food. I have a psychologist on my surgery team, IMHO she is second only to the surgeon. I'm taking it on faith she will make the difference.0 -
Oh Thaeda! I feel like a fraud too. I posted yesterday about gaining 10 pounds since Thanksgiving. How can anyone look up to me or listen to anything I say when I can't even get to goal. And then I regain 10 pounds because I was eating out of control again? I want so badly to go back to 3 protein shakes a day and nothing else, but I know that's OK for a day or maybe even a week, but it's not a long term plan. I know from experience that restricting too much causes the weight loss to stop. My biggest fear is regaining all the weight. To me that is failure. You've counseled me in the past to trust the plan and listen to my body and you are right. And I remembered THAT when I wanted to give up this week, when I wanted to say "Here I go again. Can't get it off and can't keep it off".
You know as well as I do that this is a lifestyle change. As long as we don't change back to per surgery eating and exercise habits, we will not regain. We can do this. But like you told me, we are not and cannot be perfect. We are human so sometimes we might be off track. It's getting back on track that makes the difference.
Sweetie, go back to counseling or at least touch base with your surgical team to get some help there. You can do this, you can succeed at this. You just need some help to get your mind and emotions to accept that this time you will be successful.
PS - I can't speak for anyone else, but when I'm struggling, crazy is the perfect word to describe me. It's hard to be calm and rational when the fear of failure is taunting you. I cannot fail at this! I cannot go back to being 386 pounds again. I can't! I get it.0 -
Thaeda, thank you for your honesty and speaking what so many of us are feeling and thinking. I know I struggle with the exact same thoughts. With all the weight I've lost I'm convinced that it will all go back on at some point. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm going to wake up and find it was all a dream.
I continued with counseling post-surgery and that has helped. I've recently been thinking about going back. The issue for me is this: if I don't work through the issues that got me to 284 in the first place I'm prone to go back there again.
Thank you for sharing your deepest fears.0 -
You know --- the biggest inspiration is that you are honest. You give me something to think about and make me not feel all alone in my journey. You help me understand that this adventure is lifelong and one that I will always need to plan for and prepare for in order to succeed...no matter what "stage" I am in. Those are gifts and they are truly appreciated.0
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Thaeda, thanks for sharing your struggles! I often feel alone in my struggles because typically the posts in our group are really positive and reflective of the improvements in our lives since surgery. I love these posts and they help me to keep moving forward. It may sound strange, but I find comfort in knowing that others experience similar problems to my own and are trying to work through them. I struggle with my own kind of "crazy" everyday and you opening up the topic to discussion not only helps me to see how you try to work through this issue but to see how others work through theirs.
I wish you and "Ed" the best, but I hope you kick him and the smoking to the curb really soon!0 -
It may sound strange, but I find comfort in knowing that others experience similar problems to my own and are trying to work through them. I struggle with my own kind of "crazy" everyday and you opening up the topic to discussion not only helps me to see how you try to work through this issue but to see how others work through theirs.
I wish you and "Ed" the best, but I hope you kick him and the smoking to the curb really soon!
I too gain comfort from seeing that I'm not alone in my struggles, that others are having good and bad days just like me. If we only see the good times, we aren't seeing the reality. This is hard, pre surgery, surgery and post surgery. And then there's maintenance. It's never going to be easy, but God knows, it is so worth it.
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And as I read on the main forums a while ago:
"Being Fat is hard. Being Thin is hard. Pick your hard."
It hit home and I definitely choose this struggle over the one I lived with for 30 years.
Rob0 -
pawoodhull wrote: »I too gain comfort from seeing that I'm not alone in my struggles, that others are having good and bad days just like me. If we only see the good times, we aren't seeing the reality. This is hard, pre surgery, surgery and post surgery. And then there's maintenance. It's never going to be easy, but God knows, it is so worth it.
Exactly! No one ever said this would be easy, but I have zero regrets. It is challenging every single day, but I just have to remind myself, it was challenging to be 382 lbs and live in this world, and in reality, I might not have lived much longer if I didn't change. If I had to do it all over again, I would in a heartbeat. The physical changes are easy to make, but the mental changes are SO hard. It's hard not to keep the old thinking when it was such a deep rooted part of us. If it wasn't for all the support I get, and MUCH of it comes from this group and the people in it, I think it would be so much harder than it has been. I truly appreciate Thaeda and all of the people in this group for being so real and open, it helps more than words can say!
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Patty2point0 wrote: »Thaeda, I hear you but I have to say that no one expects you to be perfect or more perfect than them to be an inspiration. at least I don't. We all got that good, bad and ugly. Half of what you said could have easily came from me....Thank you for keeping it 100% real sometimes the real feels really ugly..... Just the fact that you gave voice to this truth is inspirational and it also tells me there is an awareness and movement towards improving these issues... Some of us won't even acknowledge them. I believe you will find your way to bring more whole along this journey. God bless you lady! Gid bless all of us.
I am hopeful that sharing this will help others.... and will also nudge me beyond awareness to action. Thanks for your support and sending blessings. I will take them. 0 -
relentless2121 wrote: »I love your HONESTY Thaeda. Recovery is all about sharing your EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH and HOPE. It's also about HONESTY, OPEN-MINDEDNESS & WILLINGNESS (HOW). Recovery is about PROGRESS , NOT PERFECTION. Many of us struggle with being perfectionist & with LOVING OURSELVES. Thank you so very very much for SHARING from the HEART. You speak for many of us my friend.
And thank for receiving what I shared and for affirming me. 0 -
Hang in there, Thaeda! I think one of the reasons you have been so inspiring is that you have always selflessly shared both your successes and your struggles. You really helped pre-op me understand a fuller picture of what was to come. I think we all have demons that lurk and wait for their opportunity to pounce, and keeping them at bay is part of this journey. I hope you realize that you are stronger than your demons and continue the good fight that got you to the place you are today!
Rob
I am grateful I have a safe space to share and be honest-- everyone here helps create that space, you included-- so thank you. As to whether or not I am stronger than my "demons".... well I think that remains to be seen. We appear to be at a draw right now....but who knows... with the help of my good friends here, how can I do anything but win?0 -
For me, it's like this... I am not on a diet anymore...
The way you live your food and exercise life sounds like a little piece of heaven to me-- wow-- cannot wait to get THERE. So balanced and healthy.People think that the "surgery" is the hard part in all of this. It is not! Surgery its self is a blip on the radar. The complete mind f^c% that this can be if we let it is the excruciating part!
Yes. Mind F$c% indeed. I am considering the therapy part.... been there... done that... didn't help much (maybe I am a hard case? lol). Thank you for sharing your experience and for your support.0 -
Thaeda,
I have always liked the things you write, and this time is no exception.
Why thank you!I have a psychologist on my surgery team, IMHO she is second only to the surgeon. I'm taking it on faith she will make the difference.
Yeah... as I mentioned... I am thinking of heading that route if I cannot manage to evict "Ed" on my own in the not too far away future.0
