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mg_89
Posts: 189 Member
Hi.... sigh.. I am making myself type this out so I can get out of my head.
I'm the heaviest I have ever been in my life, at 317lbs.
I am absolutely miserable. My clothes don't fit. My knees are killing me, I can't seem to stop eating everything in sight. I have never been this out of control and I don't know where to go from here. A year ago, I was swimming, running, doing yoga every week. I was happy and on track to complete a Warrior Dash last summer.
But I started struggling with terrible migraines and daily.. it was a struggle just to keep myself together. I still have headaches almost every day.. have seen a neurologist and a parade of other docs. Am on meds to help, but while they keep the migraines somewhat under control... I am miserable in other ways. It's all felt so hopeless. And while I'd love to just discount it all to meds, I think 95% of this is in my head. I eat when I'm anxious. I'm anxious a lot. A ton of things happening personally.. including the end of my marriage. I just feel terrible every day. I'm afraid for a stroke, heart attack, diabetes.. all of it. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling trapped in this horrible body.
I needed to get this out, somewhere. To make myself face it and to think about what I need to do to get out of it.
So here's my plan for tomorrow:
1. Take a walk in the morning before work. It doesn't matter how long or how far. Just do it.
2. Drink enough water. All day.
3. Do not binge eat. Eat normally, regular meals and snacks. Absolutely no binge eating.
4. Walk on the treadmill at the gym at the end of the day while the boys are at rehearsal. It doesn't matter for how long or how far. Just start.
Thanks for listening. I'm desperate to get myself back. I need to do this one day at a time. One moment at a time. That's how I did it before.. I reached down inside myself and flipped the switch.. I did it because I knew I could. I was strong once. I know I can do it again.
M
I'm the heaviest I have ever been in my life, at 317lbs.
I am absolutely miserable. My clothes don't fit. My knees are killing me, I can't seem to stop eating everything in sight. I have never been this out of control and I don't know where to go from here. A year ago, I was swimming, running, doing yoga every week. I was happy and on track to complete a Warrior Dash last summer.
But I started struggling with terrible migraines and daily.. it was a struggle just to keep myself together. I still have headaches almost every day.. have seen a neurologist and a parade of other docs. Am on meds to help, but while they keep the migraines somewhat under control... I am miserable in other ways. It's all felt so hopeless. And while I'd love to just discount it all to meds, I think 95% of this is in my head. I eat when I'm anxious. I'm anxious a lot. A ton of things happening personally.. including the end of my marriage. I just feel terrible every day. I'm afraid for a stroke, heart attack, diabetes.. all of it. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling trapped in this horrible body.
I needed to get this out, somewhere. To make myself face it and to think about what I need to do to get out of it.
So here's my plan for tomorrow:
1. Take a walk in the morning before work. It doesn't matter how long or how far. Just do it.
2. Drink enough water. All day.
3. Do not binge eat. Eat normally, regular meals and snacks. Absolutely no binge eating.
4. Walk on the treadmill at the gym at the end of the day while the boys are at rehearsal. It doesn't matter for how long or how far. Just start.
Thanks for listening. I'm desperate to get myself back. I need to do this one day at a time. One moment at a time. That's how I did it before.. I reached down inside myself and flipped the switch.. I did it because I knew I could. I was strong once. I know I can do it again.
M
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Replies
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You have a great plan for tomorrow. Exercise helps not only physically but emotionally as well. Water is great for you. We know all too well the Binge Beast. Eat to live, nourish your body. Stick around, we can help support you.0
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Good plan , stick to it and you will do well. You can do it
I am in UK, 33 years old, have been in battle with binge eating disorder for most of my life. I also have bipolar disorder, BPD, dermatillomania, aspergers (introverted but friendly variety), PCOS ,traumatic past, tinnitus, sleep problems, chronic anxiety, deformed jaws, recovered sex addict, recovered problem drinker, now very early recovery eating disorder, a lot of pain on all levels and am morbidly obese. I am still alive though and still fighting
At the moment I am trying a radical approach for me. I am mentally separating myself from the binge eating voice inside my head. I would like to have a healthy amount of good food and to also enjoy all the foods that I like in single human sized portions.
The binge voice would like me to eat vast quantities of food. Sadly for the binge voice it is only a voice and has no way to make me eat except talk me in to it. Binge voice has no arms to feed itself, it is only a voice. I am the one with arms and hands and I choose what to put in my body. I choose to eat only enough to keep me well and healthy. I choose never to abuse myself with food. I choose to send binge voice to hell by not doing what it wants.
I know if I do what binge voice wants that it will put me in hell.
I have been in battle with binge voice for nearly 30 years. 10th March 2015 I sent binge voice to hell with its one way ticket. I can still hear it but it can not come out of hell unless I do what it wants. I know binge voice always lies and always hurts me, I know it has no power to make me binge except to talk to me. It can not control my hands. It can talk and cry and protest, whisper sweet nothings and make promises all it wants. I am choosing not to do what it tells me. It is abusive and without mercy. I have no place for it any longer in my life so it can just stay in hell. I am going to enjoy my food and not abuse myself with food. I can eat any food that I want. I want to eat food that nourishes my body and soul. I do not want to eat more than I need to be healthy. Only binge voice wants to binge. I do not want to binge so I am not going to because I know it can not make me. I see it for what it is, only a voice.
Binge voice has no mercy, no remorse, no capacity for kindness. It knows only insatiable desire to get next fix, it will never be satisfied and does not care how much I or anyone else gets hurt as long as it gets a fix.
Binge voice lies all of the time and will use everything against me in attempts to manipulate me to give it next fix. Binge voice tells me all sorts of rules and they are all lies. It tells me if I get hurt or angry enough that it is ok to binge, that is a lie. If I am hurt or angry and I then binge I will be more hurt and more angry. The temporary feeling of relief is not mine it is binge creatures relief. I am not relieved by binge, I am hurt by binge. Binge monster says if I have a bit of X,Y,Z that I then have to have a binge. That is a lie. It may want a binge, I only want to enjoy my food. I do not enjoy a binge. The binge joy belongs to binge creature, I am not binge creature. Binge monster says I belong to it and that I am weak and it will take care of me. That is a lie. Binge monster is weak, it is only a voice, I am the one with the power. I control my hands.
Binge monster has been brain washing me in to being its slave but now I know it has no real power. It can not do anything except speak to me and lie. I know it always lies so I now choose never to do what it tells me again. The bossy little beasty can stay put in its new rightful place. Either it can be in hell or I can be in hell. I have had enough of being in the hell binge monster creates for me. It is my turn to be free.
It is always my choice which one of us gets to be free and which one is in hell. Binge monster told me I had no choice, I believed it but it was a lie. It is my choice and I choose to be free. Binge monster stays in hell. I get to live my life.
I read something the other day about addiction recovery which is very similar to what is working for me. It is called rational recovery http://www.rational.org/index.php?id=36
I do not agree with all it but the concept it speaks about is pretty much what I have naturally found myself doing and it works for me.
I just also like to have a support network because I think humans do best that way.
When I see others hurt by addiction and maltreatment at the hands of themselves or others and low self esteem, I feel compassion for them. I want to see the suffering, sorrow, shame lifted. I want for them to see and feel their own power and real beauty. I want for them to feel loved, respected and cared for and to give themselves those things. I want to wrap them up in healing. I truly deeply want that and the light bulb moment finally sank in that I also really do deserve those things and I must show myself mercy and apply them to myself. I give myself permission to be free. No matter how many mistakes I have made, how many times I fell down in my past, no matter how others treat me , no matter what others expect of me, I give myself permission to be free of self torture. I forgive myself for all the hurts. I choose to treat myself as I would wish those I love most to be treated. I choose to build my self respect and ignite a fire of healing within that I fuel each day by being kind to myself.
The eating disorder persisted within me for one reason only, I identified with it. I thought it was me that wanted to eat or restrict. It was not me. It was the subconscious primal drive to get high, that drive knows no limits. It is automated and habitual. It is a physical function of the primal brain. It is not who I am. I can choose not to act on it. I know more than it does, I want more from life than it does. I value my self respect. I recognise my own power to choose. I choose to care for my true self and my health.
I also just posted another blog about my thoughts on binge eating origins and way to stop it.0 -
Hey M, we are here for you!! I think even writing this out and making a plan is a huge step forward! And those are really great goals. Take small steps and you can get back to that point where you were swimming, running, and doing yoga.
I've never suffered from migraines, but I recently studied them (I am a medical student) and I know how debilitating they can be. I really hope you find a good treatment regimen, but they are often trial & error based, so getting it controlled can take a while. I am very sorry about your marriage as well. If you ever need extra support, send me a friend request, I'd be glad to help you through this journey! You are right, you were strong once, you can absolutely do it again!!0 -
Your plan sounds really good and we are all here for you. Stay strong!0
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Thanks.. I'm glad I took the time to write it down. I am determined to make tomorrow the day.0
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I really feel for you reading this, but know you have the power to overcome this. You have such a rational track of thought and already have a plan in place to do better. You can do this!0
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Well, I made it through the day. I kept thinking about all the things I wrote here and kept trying to focus myself. It wasn't perfect, but I did it!0
