It's a long story, but if you're hiding your counting and binging, please read it.

It was the most difficult thing I've ever done. I wasn't planning on it. I'd always try and get myself to do it by thinking "what if my girlfriend were doing the same thing? wouldn't I want to know? wouldn't I want to help her stop the pain and shame? I know I would support her, and still accept her. Why can't I believe she'd do the same for me"

Well, yesterday she came to me and said she's worried she's gaining weight. After some interrogating, I said maybe it was possible, but that it didn't matter (she really didn't put on anything noticeable unless you see her naked a lot ). But I could tell it bothered her, a lot. I felt terrible, lying and being two-faced about how little it mattered. Here I am counting every bite and restricting to the point I lose control and disappear and binge two or three times a month. And I'm telling her not to take it so seriously and it's not a big deal.

I got the feeling she was taking it hard and that what I said wasn't helping because she didn't feel like I could truly relate. I've tried very hard to make it look like my figure is effortless and I'm just a naturally thin guy, and to me, and I always thought that made me more attractive.

"Would it help if I told you I worry about the same things?"- that's how it started.

I told her about the counting. She thought it was fascinating and she was curious as to how I put so much work into counting every bite and knowing all these details while hiding my process. But when I said I honestly thought it was a problem and I wanted to find a way to stop, she didn't understand why. At that point I think she felt better because she knew I go through the same insecurities, but to a greater extreme that I've felt like I needed to hide my counting and obsessing. I think she felt better, but she didn't get why I wanted to stop.

"Well, there have been bad side effects."- I could tell by her face this really worried her. Her mind was racing.

I started by telling her about smaller binges. Buying a pack of cookies and a can of frosting when I did our grocery shopping alone, and finishing them off together in the 10 minutes it takes to get home. Buying a jar of peanut butter and a bottle of honey, hiding them, and finishing them when she was out of the house. She didn't really believe me at first, because it was so contrary to this image of effortless and perfect health I tried to convey. I wouldn't eat sweets around other people because it made me self-conscious, but jeez you should see me alone.

Then I told her about the bigger binges. Driving from wal-mart to wal-mart (the only stores in my area with a self checkout) and loading up on sweets, cheese, and meats and finishing it off before I got to the next one. Doing the "fast food tour" down the main drag hitting up all the drive throughs, just getting one meal at a time and going to the next stop.

I cried. She cried. She understood why I feel like counting has a grip on me (this fear of losing my uber-healthy-man image), and also why I know I need to stop.

And destroying that image in front of her is so unbelievably freeing. It's like now, if I feel like a Reese's in her presence, I can eat it and not feel judged/ashamed. At one point I asked her what she thought about all this, what she thought about me. She said "It's ok, it makes you more human." Part of me was like "Damn it! I'm better than that! I've worked to be better than that!" But the greater part of was relieved. I am human, we have flaws and weaknesses, and what I really needed to hear from her was that it was all ok.

If you're hiding all this too, tell someone. Tell someone you know you would love and accept and would want to help if they said the same things to you. Because chances are they feel the same way about you.

Right now, I don't know if I can go as far as stopping counting. But I did change my goals to maintenance (I'm on the BMI line between normal and underweight, hence the binges), and she's going to help me make sure I eat to those goals. I'm also going to make my diary public and start accepting friend requests instead of hiding here too.

I cried this morning in bed while she was still asleep. In over two years, I've never woken up so free, so relieved from the burden of hiding all this from her and secretly seeking/planning my next binge.

I hope with all my heart this inspires just one other person to come out about bingeing. Good luck everyone.