Rant post.. looking for emotional support :(
crunchy_roll
Posts: 3
The past summer I had my first binge eating episode. Now seven months after, I continue struggling between binge and binge-free cycles. I don't know what has happen to me, and many many nights I end up crying and feeling so defeated. I've told a few close friends about my problem and they are all very supportive and said I can talk to them about the problems anytime. Yet, I feel so alone.
I used to be such a health-conscious eater, and in fact, I am actually studying nutrition/dietetics at college. My friends and acquaintances often come to me for advice and I feel so proud and happy that I am able to genuinely help them out with nutritional concerns. Yet, at the same time, it hurts me how I am unable to practice what I preach. I know, ironic isn't it?
Now I feel as if food hunts me. Whether if I am actually hungry, food is constantly on my mind. It is the first thing I think about when I wake up. I hate how pathetic my relationship with food has become. I feel so out of touch with my body. I no longer know what I enjoy eating and how to feel satisfied after a meal.
Everything seems to be a binge trigger for me. I long for my roommates to leave the apartment so I can eat without abandon- even though I know clearly that this is wrong. I've become afraid of food because I am aware that every bite I take can lead to binge-eating. Yet, despite the fear, I continue to eat. I am conflicted and confused.
I am desperate to get out of this rut but I don't know how. I hope that through this post, I will be able to get some extra support and motivation. I really appreciate those who took the time out of their day to read and listen to my thoughts. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
I used to be such a health-conscious eater, and in fact, I am actually studying nutrition/dietetics at college. My friends and acquaintances often come to me for advice and I feel so proud and happy that I am able to genuinely help them out with nutritional concerns. Yet, at the same time, it hurts me how I am unable to practice what I preach. I know, ironic isn't it?
Now I feel as if food hunts me. Whether if I am actually hungry, food is constantly on my mind. It is the first thing I think about when I wake up. I hate how pathetic my relationship with food has become. I feel so out of touch with my body. I no longer know what I enjoy eating and how to feel satisfied after a meal.
Everything seems to be a binge trigger for me. I long for my roommates to leave the apartment so I can eat without abandon- even though I know clearly that this is wrong. I've become afraid of food because I am aware that every bite I take can lead to binge-eating. Yet, despite the fear, I continue to eat. I am conflicted and confused.
I am desperate to get out of this rut but I don't know how. I hope that through this post, I will be able to get some extra support and motivation. I really appreciate those who took the time out of their day to read and listen to my thoughts. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
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Replies
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Many of us BED are in the health field to teach others. Not sure what to say but for me reading a book (my favorite: have your cake and skinny pants too ) I have had binges that have lasted a year at a time.0
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thank you so much. I am in the process of reading "intuitive eating" and it is a great resource. Yet, when my urges come, I somehow forget about all of that I've learned. This makes me feel even more terrible and frightened because I feel like I'm completely a different person during my episodes
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I hear ya. Even if I've been "good" all week without a struggle, if I know my husband is going to be gone for an evening (every other Saturday he runs group for musicians so I know exactly what days these are) I will straight-up plan my binge. What I'll eat, and even how I'll cover it up so he won't know. For me, a lot of it is stress and just not being very happy with various aspects of my life. I enjoy a lot of unhealthy foods, so I "treat myself" because I think- I deserve this...even though in reality I'm only hurting myself. I'm trying to find something else to use. Working out helps, sure, but I can't always do that when those urges hit- it doesn't provide immediate gratification. I don't have an answer yet, and I struggle with it every day, but this is a great group to be a part of. It helps to talk to people who understand because they're been through it. It's a different type of support than well-meaning family and friends who want to be supportive but just don't understand why it's so hard.0
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@Moxie42 I can relate completely! I have opened up to my best friend- who also happens to be one of my roommates in college- about my condition and she is completely understanding and accepting of my problems. Although she says that I can talk to her about it, yet, I long for the times when everyone else leaves the apartment and I am alone to binge. And when she returns, I feel so much guilt and shame that I can't bring myself to discuss what has just happened with anyone.The crazy thing is that while I'm binge eating, most of the time, I am not even eating foods that I truly enjoy. I don't binge eat on so called "forbidden foods", I binge on everything I can find and stuff myself to the point of sickness. I think my brain has somehow got accustomed to "secretive eating" and the heart-pumping adrenaline rush that accompanies it. It's so crazy but I am putting in my hardest effort to snap out of this habit. This board on MFP has definitely helped out a lot in helping me develop self-compassion. After all, we need to be kinder to ourselves to help the recovery process and not beat ourselves up even more because that will only sabotage our efforts
Best of luck to you! 
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