Honestly, today is one of those days where most of me, if not more, wants to just give up. A 5 am or so today, I pulled up the updates on my blood tests that I'm going to the doctor for tomorrow, and one result stopped me in my tracks. When something switches from negative result (being good) to a positive result (being bad), I wanted to know what that meant. And so I googled.

One answer jumped off the page at me over and over again: AUTO-IMMUNE

I was so floored you could have pushed me over with a feather. This was EXACTLY the kind of future I was fighting to avoid. My mother is so severely auto-immune that at this point, I've honestly no idea how she has a quality of life. I immediately wanted to give up on everything.

This past five years, I've been fighting like hell to regain myself, my health, my happiness, etc. It seems like the further I come in that fight, the more problems I develop, discover, or simply have to face! It is so demoralizing, like I'm being tested. "You want to get healthy? Are you sure? Oh, here, have some plantar fasciitis! Oh, that didn't stop you? Divorce. Misery. Lose everything you think is important! Nothing? Really? Let's give you female complications... Barely a blink? What about some high blood pressure? No? Maybe some insulin resistance, ha! No? Fall asleep every time you eat (postprandial somnolance)! NO?? Fine, I'll pull out the big guns! AUTO-IMMUNE. WHAM! Ha! That slowed you down a bit, no?" as this inner mental demon does a happy dance.

So forgive me if I'm contemplative this morning, trying to figure out what it all means. Apparently, I'll likely have to do some more blood work to determine what type, but the Rheumatoid test was lower than ever, so I guess at least it isn't that. And yes, I know there can be false positives, but all of my white blood cell counts were up across the board in all my other tests, too, so I highly doubt that. I have a family history of this. And I spent the better part of two decades treating my body like crap. So I suppose I really shouldn't be surprised...

Just send good thoughts, if you can... And for any of my amazing friends out there who've dealt with all this, please feel free to let me know how you deal with it, live, function, and hell, even give a damn! (hugs) to all...