Sexual partners of asexual individuals.

ThePinkPanda Posts: 208 Member
Hey guys,

I've been having a hard time lately and was wondering if anyone has any similar experiences. My girlfriend mentioned some time ago that she thought she was asexual for a long time, but that i'm the first person she feels comfortable being sexual with. As our relationship progresses and i've done some research on the subject, i think she might be. she does experience *some* sexual attraction, though.

Physical affection is fairly rare and it's a major point of contention in our relationship. I am an extremely physical person (hugs, kisses, sex, whatever), so this is extremely difficult for me. My sense of self worth has plummeted and i know she feels at least somewhat bad about not meeting my needs. i know she loves me. but in my head, it's like, i can't even get affection from my partner, so who else would want me? which is *kitten*, and i'm trying not to pressure her. This is about feeling that bond, that connection with another living soul, which i feel like i'm missing.

Anyone else in similar experiences and want to chat? or any asexuals that can chime in with what they'd expect from a partner or how they've worked out similar mismatches? I was looking for support groups on the internet earlier but it kind of looks like most of them have been abandoned. i'm also looking into a therapist myself (she refuses couples counseling)

I know this is a deeply personal post, sorry about that, i just feel helpless.


  • stormfront98
    stormfront98 Posts: 20 Member
    Sorry you have a very emotional and stressing situation I really don't get the Asexual thing that is easily tossed around by many people. How long you have been in this current relationship we aren't sure. WHat is a red flag is refusing couple counseling, since the signs in your own behavior plunged and as you mentioned this situation is known , since is a point of existing contention. Even if you are the fuzzywassy type and the other more reserved an obvious refusal to better a relationship, such as couple counseling appears one sided, when it takes two to make anything work. Are you sure this is right for you? anyone who makes your own self worth plunge would give yourself something to think about, take a step back and take a real good look at the big picture. Dust yourself off and live your life for yourself and what makes you happy inside, value your own self worth and self esteem that alone will send the right people in your life. If your not getting 100% . only you have control of your path in life and the road you choose to travel on. No one can make you feel anything unless you let them . It is not who wants you , but why would you want less.
  • zeroh13
    zeroh13 Posts: 19 Member
    Kudos for you for trying not to put pressure on her. That aside, this type of relationship will take A LOT of communication on both sides. My main suggestion is to find the ways that she does show you affection and try to remind yourself of those moments when you feel unloved/unwanted. Think about the other areas in which you do feel that bond with her. Additionally, since physical affection is important to you, you should talk to her and figure out together what kind of physical affection she is (most) comfortable with and in what ways she can be more physically affectionately.

    It may also help to keep in mind that a lack of showing physical affection in a relationship for some people is nothing personal, but rather is something that doesn't come as naturally because they don't have the same level of need for physical affection.

    A little background on me - I'm asexual and married to someone who is sexual. In our relationship, physical affection is limited to hugging and holding hands. I tend not to be physical at all but my spouse is extremely physical. On her end, she needs to keep in mind the boundaries of what I am and am not OK with. On my end, I need to make an effort to show physical affection even though I don't feel a bond from doing that. It's not perfect, and it took a lot of time, patience, and work from both of us to get to this point, but it helps keep our relationship strong.

    I hope something in this is helpful for you.
  • rebolaugh
    rebolaugh Posts: 125 Member
    I agree with Stormfront that refusing to go to counseling is a red flag. I understand being wary or reluctant, but I'd bet it would help a lot. I will also tell you that even without identifying as aesexual, it is very common for one partner to be more physical/sexual than the other person. And it's totally frustrating unless, as zeroh says above, there is a lot of patience, communication and work from both people. Good luck. Feel free to vent here -- emotional fitness is as important (if not more so) as physical fitness.
  • ThePinkPanda
    ThePinkPanda Posts: 208 Member
    Thanks guys, this is helpful. We've been together about 2 and a half years. I also have a hard time grasping the asexual concept but i am trying. I guess i shouldn't say she refused therapy; it's a money issue (i offered to take care of it) but she was definitely resistant to the idea, anyway. i left the option open to join me if and when she's ready.

    Zero, i definitely do try to remember the other things she does for me and the other ways we bond. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. i know she puts in effort to hug and kiss me, and i definitely appreciate it. so i feel bad it isn't enough sometimes and she feels bad it isn't enough, too.

    i've tried to talk about it a few times but i can say that i was probably a little too emotional. i think i will try to bring it up and see if we can work out what's ok and what's not and maybe some sort of compromise, as suggested above. she isn't repulsed by the act, just doesn't think of it and usually isn't interested if i try/bring it up (which is where some of the self esteem issues kick in because when i am really trying to be sexy, it falls flat). she isn't always open to talking, the topic can make her uncomfortable as it is and she tends to withdraw. hopefully we can just have a rational, real conversation.
  • LadyValacri
    LadyValacri Posts: 17 Member
    Hello, asexual person here. I think that it's a very bad sign that she isn't willing to have a conversation about the problems you're having. It's best to be very honest with her and yourself. If she isn't willing to meet you half way, maybe it's time to move on.

    Here's a little bit of my story if you want to hear it. My girlfriend is a very sexual person. And when I first discovered I was asexual, I was not. After a while, this started causing problems in our relationship. We had to sit down a number of times and talk about how we felt and what we wanted. We talked everything out and now we know what is okay and what is not. We hold hands, hug, kiss, cuddle in bed, and most of all, we have sex. She knows what how to make me feel comfortable and I know what I can do to satisfy her.