July 15, Day 3
KarenZen
Posts: 1,430 Member
Woohooo, Day 3!
I'm not actually starting my day. Just rolling over, going back to sleep. Good luck with reaching your goals today!
K.
I'm not actually starting my day. Just rolling over, going back to sleep. Good luck with reaching your goals today!
K.
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Replies
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Well then! Apparently today is going to be a quiet day in here. Hellooooooo???? I know our treadmilling princess is tied up, and Cari is off at a Vegas pool party, but where are the rest of you?
I overdid yesterday, and my body is refusing to move today. Plan is to make a big iced latte and put on my swimsuit and land in the lake for an hour of swimming. I'm taking Skippy McGrape to the movies this afternoon to see Minions.
Salad and steak on the menu for dinner. Protein shake breakfast. Lean cuisine lunch. If I can keep away from the nuts, I'll be fine. Nancy, I bought some medjool dates yesterday. Not as good as the ones you sent, but good nonetheless.
K.
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After posting the above, I read some of the threads in the For the Morbidly Obese group (thank you, Carly!!!), and really faced some unpleasant truths about where my head is right now. Quite honestly, the evil eating disordered beast has been pretty noisy lately. I can feel him prowling in the background. I can hear him whispering in my ear, like Iago to Othello. Last night, in my DREAMS, he was there, walking me through the grocery store and filling my cart with "forbidden" foods. This morning all I can think about is taking a "break" from dieting, counting calories, sugar abstinence... I know I'm supposed to not "diet," that I'm supposed to be developing this healthier "way of eating" that's sustainable, but when I am "off," I revert to a carb and sugar craving maniac. I'm exhausted by this fight!!!!
Right after my sleeve surgery, I felt so good... no cravings, no hunger. A stomach with a built-in portion control. 7 months later, cravings are back, hunger is back, and I can eat a lot more food. I still can't BINGE, thank god, but my portions are getting bigger.
I got on the scale. Yesterday and today. I had to know how badly I've messed up. The good news is that I haven't gained. But I also haven't lost. I'm TRYING to remember that this is a victory. It doesn't feel like one.
In addition to challenge stuff today, I will try to get my head together. Maybe finally start that blog. Call my shrink--I haven't seen her since April. Look up the dates for our hospital's bariatric support group meetings. Basically intervene on myself before I start a backward slide, because that's where I feel like I'm heading.
I want the comfort of food again. I miss it! I know I need to find a replacement. I know I want to eat because my sister is back in KY and I'm sad, because my back pain is intolerable, because I've failed to lose weight in the past month and I'm disappointed in myself, and because we STILL haven't recovered our tax return and money is tight and that makes me anxious. So rather than face and tolerate sadness, guilt, pain, and anxiety, I want to numb myself with sugar and carbs. Yeah. Not a great plan.
If anyone is still reading, thank you! I needed to get those thoughts out and face the day with a greater awareness of what is fueling the beast, and I have. Feels better... I got this.
Xxoo
K.
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It is true that what we are doing can often be a struggle. We want to relapse, we want that delicious whatever, we think our life will be better and all will be right if we get that [fill in the blank]. As you mentioned, an important part is to recognize when the addiction is doing its work to take over. If we recognize what it is doing we can do a lot more to counteract its effects.
For me one of the biggest steps that helped me was finding my triggers. I had to figure out what situations, people, locations and feelings were leading me to seek out the things that aren't good for me. Doing this made it easier to avoid and when avoidance is impossible it made it easier to face and overcome.
I still have moments and days where I do poorly, but having this info and facing it is giving me the ability to fight it.
I know that all of you have it in you to lose this weight and to lead healthier lives. We just need to keep facing and heading in the right direction. In the words of someone much wiser than me, it isn't where you are on the path that matters, but rather it is the direction you are heading. We might stumble back for a bit, but we just need to keep facing the right way and carry on.
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Karen,
Oh, honey!!! This makes me so sad for you...
Yeah, I write...a lot. It helps me work crap out in my own head, and if my own neurotic ramblings can help someone else further down the path, then so be it!
I find that if I get my head properly in the game, the rest of my follows quite willingly. And I spent half of last year getting there. I'd given up. Completely. Utterly. And then I was sparked again. I don't know if any of you knew Ms.Yoo-vie. I've intentionally messed up that name since she's banned here (for speaking truthfully and honestly to folks who didn't want to hear it) and so deleted her account, but many times in the latter half of last year, things she would write sparked me in ways I never expected...
I seem to have the ability to get one thing in my life down pat. I struggle to stay on top of one other thing, but if I split my focus at all, I'm a frigging hot mess.
So, down pat: way of eating/way of life. Staying on top of, barely: personal legal financial matter. Sending me into a mental tailspin: craziness at work, grandma's 90th birthday out of state Saturday, fiance's brother's birthday (they haven't seen each other in more than a decade) at end of month out of state in the opposite direction, physical therapy exercises, decluttering my house, workouts, open enrollment in insurance, supplement plans, and tax break plans at work, and gods above only know what else I'm forgetting. I keep forgetting my own dadgum name!
Karen, I'm sending you tons of good healing thoughts. It is SO FAR BEYOND FABULOUS that you're being proactive about not falling utterly off the backward slide. How you are able to function to do that is beyond me!
HUGS to all, Carly0 -
Zac - even a step back or a set back can become exactly the distance you need to get a running start to leap over your obstacles. A friend named Annie told me that!
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I'm getting the best kind of therapy today --an afternoon with my favorite 8-year-old. Tonight I will make lists, which always helps, makes me feel like I'm moving forward. The universe intervened and kept me sugar free and relatively on track.
Thank you for all your support!0 -
OK reread it a cpl times as brains a bit bad atm. Sounds like your mind goblin is out of his cage. Hes always a demon to get back in. You have recognised this though which is an important first step. And you know what you need to do next. The doing it initially is always hard as he is a persistent bugger. Huge hugs to you. You got this0
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Ok, don't anybody faint or anything but I promised Karen and Nancy that I would be back soon and here I am. I really don't have any reason why I was gone so long except for a very long list of sad excuses, which is just that excuses. I just took a vacation from it all. Thankfully I'm still in the same weight range. I got my replacement fitbit yesterday (the old one went completely bonkers on me). As much as I want to jump back in with both feet, I know in my heart that would be a mistake so I'm entering in a little gently. My goal for the rest of this ten day challenge is to log my food (the good, the bad, and the ugly). Increasing my movement is a secondary goal but I really want to work hard on logging my food again.
My personal life has been going really well. We are really involved with the church missions so that keeps me more than busy. We finally have our own vehicle!!! It's a new-to-us van. It was our neighbor's. It was a taxi so it has a lot of miles on it (almost 350,000) but we know he has taken excellent care of it. We only paid $500 for it and had to put $500 of work into it (which we knew when we bought it). It's a 2005 Dodge Grand Caravan and I love it. Michael and I are doing well. Cody is going to be a Senior when school starts in August. Right now he is at a Mini Police Academy though his Explorers Post. Yes, even with all the police hating going on here in St. Louis and around the country, my son STILL wants to be a police officer. I've told him I'll back him 100%, might be on my knees every day praying but I'll back him.
I heard something in my gastric bypass support group that I wanted to share with all of you. It was a real ahh-haa moment for me. I'm really bad at telling myself "aw, you've been so good, a couple of cookies won't hurt you.....you deserve a reward." Of course we all know that the biggest problem with that is a couple cookies turns into a couple more that turns into the whole package (at least for me). One of the people at group but the whole thing into perspective......if you had a friend who was an alcoholic, would you say to them - "hey, you've been sober for 6 months now, one little beer won't hurt you."? Or tell a meth addict - "you've been so good, you deserve just a little meth as a reward"? Well, for me food (particularly sweets, sugar, fried foods, etc) are my addiction! Why would I reward MYSELF with a little of my addiction when I know how horrible it would be to offer it to anyone else with an addiction? Just information for thought....
Glad to be back,
Dee0 -
Dee!!!
Hurrah!!!
Welcome back. I'm glad to see you return, and even more glad to see you moving in "gently." We really need to focus on being good to ourselves, nurturing ourselves, practicing good self care... and your comment about moving in at a gentle pace speaks volumes. Congrats on everything--your new married life, your new car, your new fitbit, your son as a SENIOR (wow), and many, many congrats for maintaining your weight loss through some busy ups and downs. What you wrote about food addicts "treating" ourselves with the stuff of our addiction is so true. I have really struggled with the idea of having a "treat" now and then, and finally I settled on the word "indulgence," as that, to me, describes something that I can "indulge" in now and then (so not a "forbidden" or "evil" food, not a "treat," but most definitely not an every day food... I am mostly sugar free these days, but every now and then I like to indulge in something with sugar, and as long as I can plan for it and control the quantity, I'm okay with that).
I'm winding up my day listening to Jim complain about his sh^tty day. Aaarrgghhhhhh! He feels disrespected and marginalized at work, and I've been hearing this over and over and over. Not just this job but the last one and the one before that. Guess what, babe? It's YOU, not the job. Thank god he sees his shrink tomorrow--Maybe Dr. G. will help him screw his head back on straight. In the meantime, all I can say to him is "speak up" (he tends to be passive-aggressive) and "stop looking for reasons to be unhappy" (a family legacy... they all love to *kitten* and moan and complain and feel put upon). I know, I know... what am I doing with someone who isn't as Pollyanna Sunshine as me? Who knows... I thought long ago that we balanced each other out, and we did, but the past few years have been tough as he gets more and more negative and unhappy with this job but makes no moves to look for another.
The GOOD news is that habit wins over the Beast today. Because I had a meal plan in place, and because my "habit" is to eat my salad and my piece of fruit (a delicious, juicy orange today), I really was able to stay within my calorie range and avoid all sugar again, despite being in a VERY bad environment (I took Skippy to the movies to see Minions, and we went to one of those theaters where you sit and order a meal... The universe intervened by sending me the most disgusting cheeseburger ever created--I took one bite and was done. Skippy intervened by being a healthy eater and suggesting applesauce instead of french fries and water instead of soda.).
Lise, you can skip all the above paragraphs and just read here: YES. My BEAST is your Mind Goblin. I think of the BEAST as living in my stomach though, because he usually wakes up when I'm hungry or when I've eaten something sugary. He's a real *kitten*, but I tamed him today.
Okay, enough babbling for me today. I hope you're all doing well. Hopefully Nancy will pop in tomorrow for some cheerleading. Otherwise, here's a big HURRAH from me.
xxoo
K.0 -
DEE! So great to see you back. I love that note you put at the end...would you tell an addict, here, have a little Meth... Of course not. Great perspective.
Glad to see so many good things happening for you. Gods know you deserve it!
Karen, I think Jim and my fiance must be related. I could have just written darned near everything you wrote there. LOL Except for the shrink part. My guy will not go because he cannot trust anyone that way. Too much to lose, and hurt to many times that way already...
But I'm glad Karen that you survived the movies mostly intact. Love that Skippy is helping you stay on track. That makes me smile!0 -
Glad you are taming your beast. And I agree with the addiction analogy. Ive told my husband before now (who is now an ex drinker after we encountered a few problems) that me sitting drinking in front of him would be analagous to the way he sits and eats pizza and ice cream in front of me all the time0
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maoribadger wrote: »Glad you are taming your beast. And I agree with the addiction analogy. Ive told my husband before now (who is now an ex drinker after we encountered a few problems) that me sitting drinking in front of him would be analagous to the way he sits and eats pizza and ice cream in front of me all the time
Did he take that in stride and realize what it really meant, or did he do what my guy does and blow it off, blaming me for not having enough willpower?
Oh, and willpower gets credit for my successes too...not me...nebulous willpower....0 -
I dragged my guy into some counseling sessions when I was going through an eating disorder treatment program. He gets it, and he's pretty good about not bringing binge-trigger foods into the house, or if he does, he keeps them in his workshop.
I just have to watch myself--I take on his issues and distress and can get really co-dependent, which of course leads to eating because I feel all anxious and distraught.
Today has been a good test. I said something last night that pisses him off (I believe I asked him to: 1. directly confront his boss and ask WHY he wasn't invited to some reward lunch and 2. stop LOOKING for things to be pissed off about at work. I swear to god he WANTS to be miserable, and he'll create every f'ing opportunity to make it happen.
Anyway, he gave me the silent treatment last night and I haven't had a text or call from him all day. Normally that would tie me up in knots, but I am practicing letting it go. If he wants to act like a child, I don't have to respond.
I feel sorry for him more than anything. He came from a horror show of family dysfunction. He's a freaking GENIUS, but his poor interpersonal skills have kept him trapped at work. He would do better working for himself but gets so terrified of screwing up that he freezes and does nothing. And in the middle of all that mess is an amazing, funny, supportive, loving man that I love to distraction.
Sound familiar Carly and Lise?
K.0 -
Wow! You ladies are truly amazing! Really and truly! I am just popping in to say 'heh' and that I am sort of back but not 100% yet. About 50% is best I can do and I hate to finger peck on my iPad mini so will wait til I am discharged and get home on my bigger keyboard! Shud have purchased a wifi keyboard fir this thing!
And by the way husbands and I don't last long,,,,,I get rid of 'em so am not a good person for advice! Been there and done that THREE times and I am happy with just me and my furballs! Life is so much more peaceful this way!
Catch cha later!0 -
I dragged my guy into some counseling sessions when I was going through an eating disorder treatment program. He gets it, and he's pretty good about not bringing binge-trigger foods into the house, or if he does, he keeps them in his workshop.
I just have to watch myself--I take on his issues and distress and can get really co-dependent, which of course leads to eating because I feel all anxious and distraught.
Today has been a good test. I said something last night that pisses him off (I believe I asked him to: 1. directly confront his boss and ask WHY he wasn't invited to some reward lunch and 2. stop LOOKING for things to be pissed off about at work. I swear to god he WANTS to be miserable, and he'll create every f'ing opportunity to make it happen.
Anyway, he gave me the silent treatment last night and I haven't had a text or call from him all day. Normally that would tie me up in knots, but I am practicing letting it go. If he wants to act like a child, I don't have to respond.
I feel sorry for him more than anything. He came from a horror show of family dysfunction. He's a freaking GENIUS, but his poor interpersonal skills have kept him trapped at work. He would do better working for himself but gets so terrified of screwing up that he freezes and does nothing. And in the middle of all that mess is an amazing, funny, supportive, loving man that I love to distraction.
Sound familiar Carly and Lise?
K.
Actually, yes, on the working for others stuff... No on the working for himself bit. My fiance is EXCELLENT at running his own business. It's just in the area we live in, there is no public transport, and with his disabilities, I become chauffeur, and I'm just plum exhausted. I'm hoping he can seek out another field in which to start his own business again. I love watching him flourish like that!0 -
I dragged my guy into some counseling sessions when I was going through an eating disorder treatment program. He gets it, and he's pretty good about not bringing binge-trigger foods into the house, or if he does, he keeps them in his workshop.
I just have to watch myself--I take on his issues and distress and can get really co-dependent, which of course leads to eating because I feel all anxious and distraught.
Today has been a good test. I said something last night that pisses him off (I believe I asked him to: 1. directly confront his boss and ask WHY he wasn't invited to some reward lunch and 2. stop LOOKING for things to be pissed off about at work. I swear to god he WANTS to be miserable, and he'll create every f'ing opportunity to make it happen.
Anyway, he gave me the silent treatment last night and I haven't had a text or call from him all day. Normally that would tie me up in knots, but I am practicing letting it go. If he wants to act like a child, I don't have to respond.
I feel sorry for him more than anything. He came from a horror show of family dysfunction. He's a freaking GENIUS, but his poor interpersonal skills have kept him trapped at work. He would do better working for himself but gets so terrified of screwing up that he freezes and does nothing. And in the middle of all that mess is an amazing, funny, supportive, loving man that I love to distraction.
Sound familiar Carly and Lise?
K.
All sounds familiar. Somewhere under all the fuckwittery is a wonderful person. Its just hard to see the woods for the fuckwit sometimes. Mines now announced he wants to lose weight. Usually this means a week of living on salad then giving up so am trying to gently persuade him to try a few small changes instead. This week we are trying no sugary pop (soda to you guys?) and switching pudding out for some greek yoghurt.
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