Weight loss coming between us?
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Jarice12
Posts: 135 Member
My girl and I started on the weight loss journey together. Over the past couple years Ive lost almost 50 lbs while my girl has lost maybe 20. For me this became a lifestyle. For her not so much. Ive almost become obsessed with "helping" her lose weight. Its affecting our relationship. Weve been together 6 years and are engaged but the last few months have been rough. I feel like a nagging wife and like we are no longer on the same page about what we want. I fell in love for the inside and we gained weight together, but something has changed. Has anyone gone through this or is going through this now?
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Yes and no, OP. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years. In the duration of our relationship, he has gained 30-40 pounds, while I gained about the same. I started losing weight last year, and I am now down 50 pounds.
I had been doing the fitness thing mostly on my own over the past 14 months. Back in March, he wanted to join me as we did a running club through our church last spring. I was all in, whereas he half-assed everything. For any of his failures, I was blamed. If I wasn't home when he wanted to run, or if I was too tired to join him when he wanted to run, or basically if I didn't hold his hand through any of it, he'd get very upset at me. It was exhausting, really. I tried to coach and motivate him...but I can't be for him what he wanted me to be in regards to fitness goals. I was running 2-3 times a week and lifting heavy 3 times a week during this spring. He eventually quit going to the running club and I ended up completing the club and there was a 5K race at the end of it that I ended up doing alone.
Wellness has been a lifestyle choice for me, so I can relate to you on that one. Much like in my own life, I can't make my bf want to change or want to improve his health until he is physically, mentally and emotionally ready to do so. He has to come to terms with it on his own time and he wants to want it and to do it for himself. It's truly frustrating and emotionally exhausting...I feel for you, really.
I'm sorry that you two are at a cross roads in your relationship. If you ever need to talk, feel free to add me!0 -
Hi, jharden12.
I know this sounds old and like a mom, but only you can change you, only you can take this journey for you, and the same stands true for your wife to be.
You mention that you fell in love with what's inside (but only implied that you didn't fall in love with what's outside). Have you asked yourself if this was really true and if so, has this really changed?
It sounds like you have some soul searching to do.
You have done a lot of hard work on you, and that's something to take pride in. Is working hard on your relationship not the same? Is it not worth the beautifully grown love that could come of it? Maggs0 -
Everyone has to be on their own journey. My husband and I have been pudgy for our entire relationship. I lost a bunch of weight last year, plateaued and then he lost a bunch of weight. He looks great and I am happy for him. I know i am bit jealous but that is my issue not his. I don't take his weight loss/gain as my burden nor he mine. I think that is what is making this work. From your first post, it seems like maybe you were taking her weight loss journey on as your own. There is a difference between being supportive and taking over. Tell her you love and will support her as she ask for it. Have you talked to her about how she is feeling?0
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I can see where you're coming from @MVarghese418 . We've been together 15 years and most of that time we've been far from thin. Earlier this year I got diagnosed with high blood pressure, and the only reason they could find was the weight, so I started exercising and changing my diet without any sort of intervention or expectations from my husband. Along that journey, he decided that the time was right for him to join me on the journey, and the evil person has beaten me to normal weight
Quite honestly, we're actually both quite enjoying the getting fit, even if our routes are different. For me, it's lots and lots of gym work. For him it's a bucket load of running (15km yesterday alone!). But we're supporting each other and wouldn't care if either of us stopped because we didn't want to do it any more.0 -
sarah_K_parker wrote: »Yes and no, OP. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years. In the duration of our relationship, he has gained 30-40 pounds, while I gained about the same. I started losing weight last year, and I am now down 50 pounds.
I had been doing the fitness thing mostly on my own over the past 14 months. Back in March, he wanted to join me as we did a running club through our church last spring. I was all in, whereas he half-assed everything. For any of his failures, I was blamed. If I wasn't home when he wanted to run, or if I was too tired to join him when he wanted to run, or basically if I didn't hold his hand through any of it, he'd get very upset at me. It was exhausting, really. I tried to coach and motivate him...but I can't be for him what he wanted me to be in regards to fitness goals. I was running 2-3 times a week and lifting heavy 3 times a week during this spring. He eventually quit going to the running club and I ended up completing the club and there was a 5K race at the end of it that I ended up doing alone.
Wellness has been a lifestyle choice for me, so I can relate to you on that one. Much like in my own life, I can't make my bf want to change or want to improve his health until he is physically, mentally and emotionally ready to do so. He has to come to terms with it on his own time and he wants to want it and to do it for himself. It's truly frustrating and emotionally exhausting...I feel for you, really.
I'm sorry that you two are at a cross roads in your relationship. If you ever need to talk, feel free to add me!
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Thanks for sharing. I feel you on being frustrated and exhausted, but you are right, you can't make someone want to change. They have to do it gor themselves. Things have been going a lot smoother between us the last week. I've been laying off and focusing on my on journey. I feel like she really wants to lose but doesnt want to put much effort in learning how. We are working on it. I hope both of our situations get better!0
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Hi, jharden12.
I know this sounds old and like a mom, but only you can change you, only you can take this journey for you, and the same stands true for your wife to be.
You mention that you fell in love with what's inside (but only implied that you didn't fall in love with what's outside). Have you asked yourself if this was really true and if so, has this really changed?
It sounds like you have some soul searching to do.
You have done a lot of hard work on you, and that's something to take pride in. Is working hard on your relationship not the same? Is it not worth the beautifully grown love that could come of it? Maggs
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You are absolutely right! I have been soul searching, still in progress, and i know that this person that i gell in love with is still there. I think ive got cold feet or the 6 year itch or something lol. But i love her and weve been thru alot, and yes, it is worth it, she is worth it. Thanx Maggs!0
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MVarghese418 wrote: »Everyone has to be on their own journey. My husband and I have been pudgy for our entire relationship. I lost a bunch of weight last year, plateaued and then he lost a bunch of weight. He looks great and I am happy for him. I know i am bit jealous but that is my issue not his. I don't take his weight loss/gain as my burden nor he mine. I think that is what is making this work. From your first post, it seems like maybe you were taking her weight loss journey on as your own. There is a difference between being supportive and taking over. Tell her you love and will support her as she ask for it. Have you talked to her about how she is feeling?
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I do feel like I was taking over for her because I felt like she wasnt trying hard enough. But i also realize i cant do this for her. Im working on being a partner not a coach. I have asked her how she feels and she wanted me to help motivate her, to pish her, which i think was part of the problem. I cant motivate but i can support and that is what i am working on. Thanks!0
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Thanks everyone! Your comments really helped me. I just realized i was quoting and not replying to the quote lol darn phone. We are finding the balance as you do in every relationship.0
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My girlfriend and I (she might not agree with me) are definitely different when it comes to fitness. While I may be more consistent with workouts, I have the least amount of weight to lose and I have been reaching goals faster because of that. My girlfriend has stated that fitness is now a "hobby" much to my chagrin. I think fitness should be a part of your life, like eating or showering, but sometimes I feel like she goes overboard (obsessive calorie counting, feeling bad when she skips a workout every now and then). This causes some riff-raff between us when I try to tell her to not take it so seriously. I'm a firm believer in a lifestyle change and I've noticed that the less I obsess over food/exercise as a hobby I have to perfect, the more easily the lbs fall off.
I don't think this relates exactly to what you were saying, but it IS hard to be 100% supportive when fitness levels/dedications are mismatched.0 -
I can relate here. My girlfriend told me during week1 that I was obsessed with logging my food and that I was not eating enough. My goal is One Pound Per Week and after three weeks, I have averaged that. Last night she asked me if I wanted an ice fruit pop and I told her no. She brought two upstairs and proceeded to tell me to eat one. I said no twice more and she ended up eating both of them. It was awkward, but I was not hungry nor very short on calories for the day. Any words of advice or support are welcome!0
