Destructive friend
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Bob314159
Posts: 1,178 Member
I have a friend I had a restaurant meal several weeks ago with just as I started Keto. I told I don't normally eat out (true - I never eat a meal at in-town restaurants) and I mentioned I'm going on a restrictive eating plan. He keeps bugging me to have another meal with him. He has no weight issues, but does have serious problems with digestion - but he would go crazy if I explained Keto to him.
Last week we were at a social event, I had one bite of a piece of cake that I like. He said eat more - I said one bite is all I want and he grabbed my plate and tried to more more cake on it.
I felt like smacking him in the head. How do you deal with this?
Last week we were at a social event, I had one bite of a piece of cake that I like. He said eat more - I said one bite is all I want and he grabbed my plate and tried to more more cake on it.
I felt like smacking him in the head. How do you deal with this?
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Whoa--time to find new friends? that is not a good friend! I have a friend who doesn't do keto, and says she "can't!" but we agree to just not talk about it. If your friend won't live and let live, you don't need 'em. Stick around here
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I had a friend who used to buy me chocolate bars when they knew I was trying to lose weight, she stopped when I firmly told her that I really didn't want them but thanked her for trying to treat me. There are 2 sorts of these people though. Some of them are maybe jealous of your will power or how great you are looking and it makes them feel bad about their own unhealthy habits so they try to sabotage you sometimes they even are failing at their own diet/WOE and want a failure buddy to make them feel less guilty. Others just only know how to treat people with food and maybe feel slighted when you turn them down (the ones always bringing homemade treats from home and trying to get you to eat them) That first group need to be firmly told that they are sabotaging your efforts and you will not tolerate it and if they continue walk away. You don't need friends like that. The others need to understand that you aren't rejecting them by rejecting their treats and in fact you know how great those treats will be and that 1 will inevitably turn into 2 or more and you don't want to risk sabotaging your own efforts0
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How about if he wants to socialise with you you invite him for a meal at yours and prepare stuff to your taste and then you are more in control. If he continues, you need to find the words either spoken or written to let him know that this is helping you to be fit physically and mentally and that if he values you as a friend he will respect your decision. If he can't then you may need to see less of him while you are looking after yourself the way you see fit!
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You have a choice then, to know this is his way of operating and accept it, or sit him down and tell him what his pushing carbage could do to you. Many don't even realize that's what they are doing. Sometimes they have a tough time adjusting to the "new you" too. Being open about it can help you learn who your true friends are. Anyone who isn't willing to support your efforts to get healthy doesn't deserve your time!0
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Agree, you need a new friend. Based on your post they don't sound like a friend at all. A true friend will support your efforts to eat a healthier diet. If you want to continue the relationship make sure any future interactions are non-food based. See if you have any activities in which you share a common interest (biking, fishing, running, hiking, theatre, concerts etc.)0
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Sometimes I think it's easier not to even explain I'm on a diet at all. I just say stuff like I'm not super hungry or I don't feel like having dessert. I have celiac disease so I deal with a lot of people who just think it's unfathomable not to eat gluten. They will say the cake is really good and they think it would be worth me feeling sick to have a little piece of it. Ummmm no. That's not how it works. lol. I love it when they say things like they'd kill themselves if they couldn't eat bread. haha0
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I had a friend who used to buy me chocolate bars when they knew I was trying to lose weight, she stopped when I firmly told her that I really didn't want them but thanked her for trying to treat me. There are 2 sorts of these people though. Some of them are maybe jealous of your will power or how great you are looking and it makes them feel bad about their own unhealthy habits so they try to sabotage you sometimes they even are failing at their own diet/WOE and want a failure buddy to make them feel less guilty. Others just only know how to treat people with food and maybe feel slighted when you turn them down (the ones always bringing homemade treats from home and trying to get you to eat them) That first group need to be firmly told that they are sabotaging your efforts and you will not tolerate it and if they continue walk away. You don't need friends like that. The others need to understand that you aren't rejecting them by rejecting their treats and in fact you know how great those treats will be and that 1 will inevitably turn into 2 or more and you don't want to risk sabotaging your own efforts
^^^THIS. This "friend" doesn't sound like a real friend at ALL. I'd give him a chance to mend by letting him know that you'd appreciate if he didn't do that. If he doesn't stop, ditch him. Who has time for that?
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I have no problem smacking my good friends in the head - well figuratively at least. The friends that can't take it are no longer friends. Would you be able to say to your buddy, "this is me, this is what I'm doing, I resent what you are doing, so knock it off"? My good friends get it and respect me for being a straight shooter and for who I am.
I like the suggestion of doing something together, non-food related, but eventually something to eat will come up. I eat out often with my friends. There's a few good places I like - my choices are usually sashimi or steak.
I don't touch bread or chips and I'll ask my friend when ordering- -
"Do you want my <carb>"? otherwise I will specify to leave it off or get mushrooms or similar substitution.
Personally, if someone grabbed my plate, I would think that is disrespectful. I'd just smile and say, "it's yours now" or set it down. They'll get the message. It's interesting that you consider yourself 'bugged' to have a meal with your friend. It does sound like there is some unspoken resentment between you. There is nothing wrong with being firm in who you are and letting others know how you want to be treated and what you are doing health wise. Be respectful and polite to each other, but also let your limits known. I told one friend I was doing LCHF, she laughed and said, yea she had been there done that. When get got together for lunch recently, she wasn't laughing any more and wanted to know How, What, Where, When... I was doing? Nothing shuts people up faster, than results.0 -
Talk to him, tell him you feel you are going to lose some weight and that as his friend you hope he will try not to tempt you to eat when its not what you want to do.
Look him in the eye and make sure he realises you are serious and asking for him to be on your side with this. If that doesnt work he is not a true friend and you can walk away knowing that you at least gave him the chance to see that his behaviour wasnt what you would expect from a friend.0 -
Buy the book "Boundaries " by Dr. Henry Cloud.
Read it. Love it. Live it. Enjoy!!!0 -
I think people who don't follow this woe don't really understand. My husband is a prime example. He pretty much eats what he wants. He eats my meals that are low carb, high fat, and he eats the cakes and cookies and everything high carb on his own time as well. However, he goes to the gym everyday, runs 4 or 5 miles just about every day and lifts. I wouldn't say he is overly fit, but he is in way better shape than I am.
He is truly very supportive of me, but he also tells me I should 'treat' myself when he is indulging. He says it will be fine, I can 'just work it off'. I try to tell him that doesn't work for a keto diet like that. I have been eating LC for 3 years (some months better than others) and have lost 80 pounds, so he knows it works. He just doesn't think I should 'punish' myself all the time.
You said you didn't explain the diet to him. That could me the reason why he was pushing something. Maybe if you explain the bases, tell him you feel great. My co-workers think my diet is odd, but since they have seen be stick to it for so long they are really supportive, even if they think I should eat more veggies.0 -
I don't really find a reason to bring it up either. There are all kinds of options to eat out and enjoy a meal with your friend without mentioning it. Steak (my favorite)-steamed veggies-salads. As far as cake, just say things like "No thank you. It doesn't sound good to me".
If you don't mention it or make it a big deal, they don't even really notice. It's when you mention it, that they begin to watch and make comments.0 -
I am so intense about my Way Of Eating most will go out of their way to NOT bring up eating around me.
At my age I have decided those who want me to hurt my health/mind do not really exist so they have no voice that I can hear. A person with digestive issues may learn their end may go badly. It it worse than being obese in my view.0 -
GaleHawkins wrote: »I am so intense about my Way Of Eating most will go out of their way to NOT bring up eating around me.
At my age I have decided those who want me to hurt my health/mind do not really exist so they have no voice that I can hear.
I'm the same way Gale! lol OP either educate your friend and make him realize that you are serious and that if he doesn't knock it really quick it could mean the end of the friendship or terminate your friendship with him and move on. From you description of what he did, he doesn't sound like a real, true friend to me. Sounded to me like you SHOULD have smacked him in the head! Give him ONE chance to show you that he is your friend. If not, move on.0 -
Thanks for the abundance of answers. No point explaining the details to him - he is into straight "normal" doctors and medications - I just say I'm eliminating foods that gave me IBD like symptoms [and that's true]. I'm also being somewhat less warm and friendly and avoiding him.0
