I think I might need help. (Vent)
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dkingdom1
Posts: 60 Member
This is kind of a spinoff on one of the threads on the main forum (the one about eating cookies) and I have to say that I'm completely upset with myself. It's so hard to want to lose weight, to try to stay within your calorie range, and to try to make the best choices in my day. Having just 1-2 cookies won't cut it because that's 400 calories wasted right there that I could have used on something more filling. But the plate of cookies still excites me (and I'm exhausted) so it feels better to take and take and take. My Gut tells me to not even go near them, but then they're the *only* thing that occupies my mind. I have been getting better at feeling when I'm hungry/kind of hungry, but once there's sweets, that feeling is gone.
In general, I feel that I think about food more than others do and I feel that whenever people see me, I'm eating and nothing else. It's one of those situations where I do know what to do, but I don't know how or I don't know "why". Or maybe this is just a slip up day but then I remember that I went over my goal on Monday, last week entirely, and the majority of the week before. And the scale no longer ranges from 162-165, but rather 164-167 and that makes me feel that all the work I've put in over the past three months was for almost nothing. It makes me feel sad and left out when I see all the images on media and all of the other fitness pages with all the smaller girls with abs and muscles promoting that only these people are "entitled", for a lack of better words. It makes me devestated that I'm not favored in society, and that's certainly true, but no matter how much I try I always fall back and even if I spring forward, I'll never be good enough. I want to ramble more, but I feel like I don't want to overwhelm any of you reading this. Sorry for the stream of conciousness I just had to let it all out. What do I do?
In general, I feel that I think about food more than others do and I feel that whenever people see me, I'm eating and nothing else. It's one of those situations where I do know what to do, but I don't know how or I don't know "why". Or maybe this is just a slip up day but then I remember that I went over my goal on Monday, last week entirely, and the majority of the week before. And the scale no longer ranges from 162-165, but rather 164-167 and that makes me feel that all the work I've put in over the past three months was for almost nothing. It makes me feel sad and left out when I see all the images on media and all of the other fitness pages with all the smaller girls with abs and muscles promoting that only these people are "entitled", for a lack of better words. It makes me devestated that I'm not favored in society, and that's certainly true, but no matter how much I try I always fall back and even if I spring forward, I'll never be good enough. I want to ramble more, but I feel like I don't want to overwhelm any of you reading this. Sorry for the stream of conciousness I just had to let it all out. What do I do?
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Replies
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I just saw your post. It is hard to stop compulsive eating. I have worked on it for many years on and off. I feel I am in a place now where I don't think this way most of the time.
Resisting compulsion is difficult. But like any behavioural changes, if you keep working at it will get a little bit easier each time.
You have to want to stop and acknowledge that you are actually choosing to over eat. This will give you the sense that perhaps there is some control you could try.
Be kind, always kind to yourself if you fail but get back on track the minute you can. In your brain neurons that fire together wire together so the more you practice what you want to happen the more likely it is that you will be able to do it. Just keep practising.0 -
You are definitely not alone.
And sometimes willpower is simply not enough. The only thing I've found to be 100% effective for me is keeping those foods away from me - not in my house or my office. Helps me get a bit of distance to make a better decision0 -
I hear you on compulsive eating. I have done it all my life. Its enjoyable and comforting but it also helped me get up to 500 pounds at one point. And I definatly know what you mean about society not favoring you. Let me tell you when you are my size they treat you like a carnival freak! Like your not even human. And no one deserves to be treated like that.
I have lost 70 pounds so far now with the help of a dietician, the gym, dance class, and a counselor. IT takes a lot of work to lose weight, as we all know, and what I learned, as was stated previously, is that you have to want to lose weight in order to really succeed at it. I still have to lose like 40 to 50 more pounds just to be eligible for weight loss surgery, hopefully in May.
I am 35 and this is the first time in my life I have really wanted it enough and believed in myself enough to start to lose the weight and to believe that I do deserve a better life. A life where I can get around better, feel comfortable around people, and not have food control my every move. Anyway I know my story is more extreme than yours but I wanted to share it with you to let you know that when you think that the whole weight and food ordeal feels hopeless just remember that all is not lost. Not really. The biggest journey begins with a single step. Good luck to you.0 -
Today is a new day. Nothing you can do to change the days in the past, but you can learn from them.
Eight years ago, a binge for me was 40+ pounds in 6 weeks (yeah, a 3,500 calorie a day *surplus* every day for a month and a half!), and the flip side restrict was feeling so dizzy and weak from undereating that it was hard to do more than lie on the couch while still not being able to bring myself to eat at maintenance. This week, a binge for me was 3 days averaging 800 calories over maintenance a day, and the restrict is 3 days (unfortunately and counting) averaging 600 calories under maintenance a day.
My normal loss goal is about 250 calories a day of deficit, which is unrewardingly slow, but I've learned the hard way that I can sustain a quick loss all the way down, but I can't get off at the end. At the beginning of October, I had a stomach bug that got me about 3.5 pounds of scale weight loss in a week (because I spent a week consuming little more than diluted Gatorade), and that was enough to start what's going on 7 weeks of disordered eating.
Even though it's really frustrating, I am doing so much better than I was. I'm kind of coming to terms with the idea that I will never be able to eat based on full / not full. Because when I am bingey, I am *never* full enough, even now, and when I am restricty, I am never so hungry that I want to eat.
You're totally good enough, right now, as you are. Even if you never figure out your food issues.0
