Christine's Road to find herself!
cmr3399
Posts: 80 Member
Hi...This seems like a great way to help with accountability so I figure I am going to give it a try.
I'm Christine a 39 year old single Mom of 3 and have yo-yo'd up and down so much my string has worn very thin.
I am 5'10 starting this...one of a million... rounds Jan 1st at 236.8
I"m currently 217.8...my first mini goal is Onederland of course, but ultimately I would like to get down to 175. I was down to my all time adult lowest of 160 in 2012 but was skinny fat and very unhealthy.
I leave for a romantic adult vacation March 26th. Hoping to be a little more fit for that occasion, especially since I have no beach attire that fits. I'm trying not to focus on a number rather than over all health. But lets face it, whom am I trying to kid I would love to be in Onederland by then.
I just want to be healthy. Im tired of being the FAT friend. I'm tired of being a horrible role model for my kids whom I see traveling the same horrid path I did. Most importantly I'm tired of being depressed.
I currently have the best success during the week when I am at work and seem to be very structured. Then the weekend comes and boom...it all goes out the window. I really don't seem to get much by way of support from the boyfriend. He just seems to add fuel to the fire with temptations. Not making excuses just putting it all out on the table. I make horrid choices on weekends. Just cant seem to tell myself NO NO NO.
I joined the gym, do wake up most mornings at 4am to try to get there before work. Then there are days where I just can't manage to drag myself out of bed because the exhaustion from the anxiety running thru my head the night before kept me from sleeping. I'm lazy...I know I'm lazy...If it's not on a silver platter, I find it hard to swallow. I just need a push. no kick! Not sure where to turn.
I know there is no fast way thru this...no easy way out. But my mind keeps saying...if there is work involved...Sister your not doing it. If only I could stop listening to my inner thoughts.
I know I am all over the place...hence my A D D mind. I just need to focus....focus for me...for my kids...for my health.
I'm Christine a 39 year old single Mom of 3 and have yo-yo'd up and down so much my string has worn very thin.
I am 5'10 starting this...one of a million... rounds Jan 1st at 236.8
I"m currently 217.8...my first mini goal is Onederland of course, but ultimately I would like to get down to 175. I was down to my all time adult lowest of 160 in 2012 but was skinny fat and very unhealthy.
I leave for a romantic adult vacation March 26th. Hoping to be a little more fit for that occasion, especially since I have no beach attire that fits. I'm trying not to focus on a number rather than over all health. But lets face it, whom am I trying to kid I would love to be in Onederland by then.
I just want to be healthy. Im tired of being the FAT friend. I'm tired of being a horrible role model for my kids whom I see traveling the same horrid path I did. Most importantly I'm tired of being depressed.
I currently have the best success during the week when I am at work and seem to be very structured. Then the weekend comes and boom...it all goes out the window. I really don't seem to get much by way of support from the boyfriend. He just seems to add fuel to the fire with temptations. Not making excuses just putting it all out on the table. I make horrid choices on weekends. Just cant seem to tell myself NO NO NO.
I joined the gym, do wake up most mornings at 4am to try to get there before work. Then there are days where I just can't manage to drag myself out of bed because the exhaustion from the anxiety running thru my head the night before kept me from sleeping. I'm lazy...I know I'm lazy...If it's not on a silver platter, I find it hard to swallow. I just need a push. no kick! Not sure where to turn.
I know there is no fast way thru this...no easy way out. But my mind keeps saying...if there is work involved...Sister your not doing it. If only I could stop listening to my inner thoughts.
I know I am all over the place...hence my A D D mind. I just need to focus....focus for me...for my kids...for my health.
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Hi Christine,
Okay so I kinda know what your going through. I have tried losing weight two other times before but would easily give up. The first time I wasn't eating enough and always felt so hungry that I thought losing weight was impossible so I quit. The second was the exercise. I tried eating what I wanted so I wasn't hungry like my first failed attempt but I HATED working out. I felt that I worked too hard and didn't get the results I wanted fast enough. This time I found a balance because of this site and app. When I first started I hated working out! I still had that voice in the back of my head telling me to much work for little results but I tried an exercise hypnosis app. I ended up listening to a tape telling me how great exercise is. Now I kind look forward to my workouts. My inner voice gets excited for the workouts but now I dislike the scale. Maybe a program like this can help change your inner voice! It doesn't take work you just sleep and listen. If your not into this idea start trying to build a better inner voice to help motivate you. Make it a stronger desire until it is the only voice you are hearing!
I wish you luck and look forward to reading more of your posts 0 -
Gym intimidation..... yes...I'm going there...Is it only me who walks into the gym and instantly feels self conscious? My gym even has a "Womens Only" room. I figure hey..I'll be safe in there. No big bad men giving me the stink eye saying what is this fluffy chick trying to attempt. But NO. I walk in... there are women huffing and puffing...doing hand stand push ups...and here I go...heyy I can walk on a treadmill and not pass out. I hate not knowing what to do in the gym. I know there is a starting off point. I know all those huffing and puffing women and handstands started somewhere. But my simple mind uses it as yet another excuse to run away.
Last night for an example...I'm seriously on an emotional roller coaster. Come home from work fed up, immediately wanted to eat everything in sight. Kids frustrated me to the max, I wanted to kick the cats..(insert announcement...I would NEVER HARM AN ANIMAL ..JUST FELT LIKE I COULD as I walked into a hello pile of poo on my rug) ANYWHO bottom line I was stressed. I took the high road..called a friend...packed up her 2 year old and hit the gym..figured I would kill 2 birds, one stone... I could vent to a good listener and work it out. Pull into the parking lot...not a space left (immediately my inner fat girl freaks out) OMG there are tons of skinny fit people here. And here I come rolling in. My anxiety just got worse. I went in anyway...Had a wonderful run...eyes closed..yes eyes closed...because I could not bear any longer to watch the 5 girls on the heavy lifting floor with their tiny workout outfits on leaning up against the weight benches pretending to stretch trying to throw the guys off their game. Instantly I thought...am I at the gym? Or the club? Which In my crazed mind made me even more insecure. Not sure why but it did.
The point to my rant....Im at a loss. Other than cardio...and of course my beloved aqua zumba I feel like a exercise retard. Don't even know where to begin for strength. And I desperately need it. Even tried just asking a trainer for a few tips. Nope..Unless I pay for her services...I am not getting help from her..Hu??? I just paid a YEAR IN FULL...I now have to pay you $120 a week to say go over there and use that that and that for a start. I swear they are ripping me off coming and going and I'm getting nothing but added stress to my plate.
Sorry, Didn't mean to rant, but this is part of mu crazy journey. Hope everyone has a good day.0 -
It is most definitely not just you who feels intimidated by the gym and all of the super fit heavy lifters. Once upon a time, I was a fit lifter...although I wasn't the type to gawk at those who weren't. Even with that background, I'm still intimidated to go. I'm not in good physical condition anymore. I currently don't have a gym membership, but plan to get one next month. In an effort to curb anxiety and focus on what I want to do to and for my body, I'm just trying to block out anyone who wants to look down their nose at me. Maybe easier said than done, but why would I allow myself to care what "they" think? Anyone who is both fit and scoffing at someone else working to get fit, well, they can just... *Insert moderately obscene action of your choice. I don't have time for people who think that way, and neither do you. So don't let any self righteous heavy lifters deter you from doing what's best for you and your health!
As far as knowing what to do for strength training, do some online research. You'll probably be able to find a beginner program, so you can walk into the gym with a little more confidence in the area too.0 -
I like to see going to the gym and im going to get some health rather than im going to exercise. If i say that my inner voice goes Uggh exercise its too hard i can't do it and I find a million reasons not to go. If i say to myself I'm choosing to get some health to feel better today, I am more likely to go and i know once i get there I enjoy it. The self talk is one of the hardest things to overcome. If you try and put a positive spin on it (easier said than done i know) i just doesn't seem that hard to do. YOu are doing great. If you go to the gym ask the instructors to design a plan for you based on your level of fitness. Mine has done that for me and it has been a godsend otherwise i would have no idea what to do0
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If you go to the gym ask the instructors to design a plan for you based on your level of fitness. Mine has done that for me and it has been a godsend otherwise i would have no idea what to do
Thank You....my inner voice is a hard thing not to listen to. I'm trying..baby steps...as for the gym...that was my main gripe. I asked someone for help..and they claimed I had to pay extra for it. I think that is what changed my mood completely. I think I will go to management or a different trainer and ask the same question. I am not asking for an entire step by step training plan. Where they watch me every second, just some guidance. I was deflated when I asked her and she said I cant even begin to tell you what to so unless you pay for my training advice. UGHHH made me hang my head in defeat especially when I just paid them $700 for the entire year upfront.0 -
Ugh is right. She sounds bad. Having a supportive trainer can be awesome. But cruddy trainers are common. There is nothing wrong with saying that someone is not a good fit and getting a new trainer. Even with good trainers, there can be differences in style that just don't work for you.0
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Thanks for sharing your story! I am the same way with stress keeping me up and struggling to get up in the morning. Eventually I had to just give up on the thought of being an early morning exerciser. Now I do a jog/walk combo in the evenings, and it's mostly to reduce the stress I feel.0
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I think it's pretty common to feel nervous in the gym. My solution was to spend the $ on several Dumbbells watch utube videos and do my lifting at home.0
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My new found love...Aqua Zumba...all the fun of regular Zumba but in the pool so it soooo much easier on my horrible knees. Started last week. Felt awesome the next day...could really feel the workout which was great, and I didn't have to stop half way thru because my knees were crying to stop. I think for now this will be a go to class for me. Especially since I have been having some confidence issues at the gym at this point. So I went back last night and I'm completely smitten.
Now on to being a bit kinder to myself. I found that I am very very critical of ME. Not sure how to change this. Maybe dress up a little more. work with positive quotes everyday. Any suggestions would be awesome. But I am horribly hard on me! And I know if this doesn't change, I will start to fail once again. I guess I'm passed the first step which is admitting it. But I realize that this is a big factor in why I give up so easily. And I cant give up this time around. I just cant!0 -
Positive feelings and feeling good about yourself happen when your actions are in line with your beliefs. High self esteem doesn't come from slogans or fake praise.
Take the baby step of not being negative or insulting when thinking about yourself.
Put the hard work in and outline the type of person you aspire to be. This is really hard because we have to face the fact that we're human and fall short of our aspirations, not always and not all of them, but no one is perfect.
Make a plan with small achievable goals that move you along toward the person you want to be.0 -
Thank You
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This is something that I am constantly working on.
I like to think of myself as perfect (of course I know that I'm not) and get frustrated when I make mistakes - ie when I'm not perfect.
I have found that lowering my expectations of myself has helped. (This is different to lowering my opinion of myself - its more like forgiving myself). I'm just accepting that sometimes I'm going to make mistakes, and that that's normal.
It doesn't mean that I don't try, but just that if I'm not as successful as I would like to be then that's OK.
I accept that having bad days, eating over my calories, or not doing the exercise I had planned are all things that are going to happen. They're just part of this process, and I think there are very few people on MFP who don't experience at least one of them. Its unrealistic to expect that I would be any different. But as long as I keep going, I'll get there. The main thing is to just get right back on track as soon as you can. If you wobble, get back on track. If you wobble again, get back on track again. over, and over again. That's the best I can do, and fortunately, its good enough. 0 -
Good advice " total determination" I need to remember this. I'm also a perfectionist and this isn't the time. I will eat over calories at times or won't work out as planned but so far I've kept going. I think you need to treat yourself like you treat others, kindness and encouragement.
CMR3399 I hope you keep going to the gym. Mine is a co-Ed but I'm not there to socialize and I just concentrate on me. I tend to forget about the others. I got to a point where I hated missing it. I hope I get back to that again.
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Thank you @totaldetermination, this is very good advice. I really need to just learn to push thru and realize that i'm human...I will slip up and when I do don't use it as an excuse to fall off the wagon. So far so good I must say. I do get a bit frustrated, I over eat by a few calories or make a not so good choice and feel myself slipping into heck I had one bad thing I ruined my day I might as well continue. But then I stop, look at the big picture and continue on.
As for they gym, oh I'm going to keep going, My water zumba is like a drug almost now. I wish they had more classes in the evening. I just need to push push push myself the rest of the days. This is where my lack of motivation comes in. I actually think its more of an exhaustion thing. I don't sleep well so when my alarm rings the last few weeks to get my butt up to hit the gym at 4am I turn right over and say the heck with that. I even have a treadmill 5 feet from my bed, and I STILLLLL find a way to get out of it. This is where my shift in thinking needs to come in. I need to really get my head in the game for fitness.
I tried the hypnosis app like someone suggested to me, it did put me in a very relaxed state. I might very well use it more often as it helped really relax me after my day. If it in my subconscious helps with my progress hey the more help the better. If not, no harm no foul. If anything its 30mins of peace and quiet.
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What a crazy 5 days it has been. Thursday after work I received a phone call that they were rushing the boyfriend from work to the hospital. They originally thought heart attack or stroke. Now after days of me sleeping in a horrid chair and living off of burnt coffee and horrid hospital cafeteria food nobody can signal out what happened to him. All I do know is that it was scary as hell. Not that its an excuse...but man does stress ever play a number on people.
As far as an update on me. Except for him worrying me into a frenzy it's the same here for me. This kind of upsets me. But hey what can you do. Im sure I am bloated beyond belief from sitting and sleeping in a chair for 3 days, I can actually feel it in my hands and legs. So starting today its water water water again.
Back to water Zumba tonight so that should bring me some relaxation at least. I need to try to fit more classes in my schedule, or at least stay awake long enough to do some home videos. I can't seem to get my push on point. One day I'm all over it, the next boom...motivation gone. Guess it doesn't help that there always seems to be some sort of crisis left and right. "enough with my excuses"
Hope everyone is well. 39 days until I'm off to Jamaica. If I can get myself back on track I might be able to get another few pounds off by then. If anything I will be stronger at some sort of fitness routine.
Next update soon. Hopefully it is a bit better than this.0 -
Ok...I read and read and still cant wrap my head around this whole BMR & TDEE thing...Ive tried different calculators with different results. It has done nothing but confuse me. I'm 5'10, 39, 220, and basically have a desk job. Any help would be appreciated. I would post in the normal section but lately people have been so short.0
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Well BMR is the amount of calories your body burns in 24 hours in a state of rest. That is not something that a simple calculation can figure out I don't think. I did a body composition test and got mine. TDEE is your BMR plus any calories you burn including anything you do in the day over and above sitting completely still0
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Got it....So confusing...all these terms...I think I'll just stick with my deficit and push forward a lil at a time.
My victory for the day was getting out of the 220's once again. Up down up down...as long as the downward trend keeps going I'll be ok. But this loss gave me a push to get up and go. So I'm going to run with that for today. Gym bag packed and ready to go for after work. Even if I just get in a run/trot and legs I will be further along than I was yesterday.
Knees are giving me a bit of trouble...I see everyone posting about squats...oh how I wish I could squat my legs and bottom away without the ripping crunching and cracking that my knees do when I try them at all. They basically scream out at me to stop the madness. So I guess I will just have to save the Brazilian butt videos and squat challenges for after the knee replacements.
Trying to cut my coffee habit, this however doesn't seem to be working well at all. I have tremendously cut back on the additives that I used to put in my coffee, but if I could just get rid of it all together I think I would be A ok.0 -
So after reading a bunch of journals, having some spare time to think, I pondered a lot this afternoon...why I am the way I am, my relationship with food vs my relationships with people and the excuses I allowed myself to use to eat my way to where I am today.
It really is a lot to take in. The hurt and despair you live thru and then eating to bandage up the hurt and scars. I've gone thru some horrid relationships in my past. As I sit back and ponder I see my weight fluctuated with them all. Up down up down a roller coaster of emotions as well as fat. I need to start repairing myself from the inside out. This is where I am having major issues. It's really a vicious circle. I'm depressed so I eat to console myself, I'm depressed because I gained weight, yet I allow myself to eat until my hearts content. I'm depressed that my boyfriend wont pop the question...in my mind (yes my crazed mind I believe its because I'm getting heavy) yet what do I do...I eat to ease the pain of no ring. See viscous cycle. Round and round I go...not getting my head in the game.
Please don't reply with the I need professional help thing...I'm already there, get it, as well as medications...plus there are just many things you don't say to an already depressed person who already PHYSICALLY realizes and can admit they are depressed.
What has always played a big role in said depression is my weight. I get all crazy about a fresh start...2 weeks in...poof like the wind the fresh start blows away. I'm not looking for a diet, I'm looking for a new life for myself. One that hopefully puts my mind at a bit more ease. Where I do not have to rely on binge eating in my room...or slurping down calorie filled coffees to easy a void in my life.
I'm pointing fingers...and they are directly aimed at me. 40 years old, need to feel secure and safe in my life. I just feel as if I will never get there.
Off to the gym...yes I said gym...I'm making it today..and there I will contemplate this some more. Trying to find that one thing that will make this lifestyle click for me.
Enjoy your evening...thank you for letting me rant. Even if it is aimlessly...it's still talking out loud per say.0 -
I didn't see a rant in there anywhere; but rather a lot of self-awareness, which is half the battle. That click might reveal itself when you least expect it.0
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Thank You 0
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I love your statement that you're finding a new life for yourself. This is what I am trying to do, not by choice but because of circumstance. I too am battling depression and it's not easy and you can't understand unless you've been there and even then people are different.
I think in my opinion that you are in your way and doing ok. You looking within and figuring out what triggers you and how to fix. That's more than most people ever do.
Keep going I think you're on the right track. Look forward to your posts.0 -
Had a great evening. Went to the gym did a 30 min walk/trot 7 incline 3.5 pace. It was good to get the heart pumping...then used the leg machines until I felt like rubber, finished off with a 15 min sauna session. Drank more than my fill of liquids which was a plus for me. Woke up to a 3lb loss which got me even more pumped for the day.
Today is Aqua Zumba, I have every intention on making it this evening. I just need to get thru a dreaded work lunch. I sit around with a bunch of important people, feeling out of place, with fatty foods. I will be mindful and make the est choices possible. At least with this agenda I received a menu to choose from House Salad with Balsamic Dressing, Chicken Francaise or Walnut Crusted Salmon. I picked the chicken because of a severe nut allergy. I just need to stay away from the bread baskets so I don't mindlessly eat because I feel uncomfortable.
Hope everyone is well. Cheers to a good, positive day!!!0 -
Today is a crazy day this is for sure....woke up late...forgot my protein shaker at home so have nadda to eat at work except one yogurt and coffee. So we will see how this day progresses...I already want it over with, people are just being very nasty and cranky today...or maybe it is just me because I forgot my meals. Just another day in my life....0
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CMR i get you. As someone who has been on the depression/overeating/gaining weight cycle for over 20 years i understand. As was said before, You are very self aware and that is half the battle. So many people go through life blaming everything but themselves for the choices they make and never get off the treadmill. We are making changes one day at a time. Some days we hop back on that treadmill and thats ok. It's a security blanket thats been with us for a while. The important thing is that we choose to get off and keep going with making new habits and new memories. ONe step at a time hon. From where im sitting you're doing awesome. Keep at it0
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Good advice khatmott 0
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@khatmott Thank You!!! I know I am too hard on myself. A very bad hab
it.
I can say I had a very busy weekend...cleaning...toting kids around...I was go go go.. not sure if it was all the activity or what but this morning i woke up feeling like I was hit by a truck. Every bone hurts...hands are swollen...and fingers are so swollen I feel as if the skin will burst. I know it is water retention but ughh it was a horrid to awake to a 7lb gain on the scale for no reason. I know there is no way I could have gained 7lbs in 2 days its just a mental thing...no loss...in my mind means no progress. I am quickly sipping away at 64oz of water hoping this helps matters.
I am going to the gym this evening with my son...who I made a deal with. If I pay for his student membership at the gym he will be my personal trainer. The boy is ripped..guess his year round football training helps with that but now its time to help Momma a bit. So this I am excited about. I do know however he will push push push me...which is good.
I started my packing list for vacation...32 days until I am in an all inclusive paradise for 10 days. Tried on a few dresses that my body needs to be a little bit more in shape for, so we will see how that goes.0 -
What a great team you will make. You are lucky to have someone in your family that can help you.0
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I honestly never even thought about it...he does his normal lifting/gym routine in school every day. Then last night at supper I mentioned I needed a trainer but didn't have the $$$. He played lets make a deal. I think the $20 a month is well worth it and the savings of $140 a week the trainers at our gym want is a tremendous savings!!!!!!!!0
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Wheeewww.... Happy Tuesday everyone. Had somewhat of a good day yesterday...still fell very bloated from sodium. Then my trainer AKA Son whipped my butt at the gym last night...I dared to walk into the big boy section of the gym. I didnt feel so out of place with him by my side which was good. He showed me all sorts of good stuff which I am really really feeling today. So obviously I am doing something right. I know that this is only the beginning. He has a task to help Momma get into shape and I don't think he is going to let me rest for a second.
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