That makes sense, thanks for your response!

That's seriously amazing. I can't imagine having just one or two. It's easier to have nothing than to stop once I've started. I'm really glad that it has worked out so well for you!

RespectTheKitty wrote: »

I went through therapy for a really long time dealing with my binge eating. TBH, it really didn't help me because it never got to the root of why I keep binging, and that's my intense self-hatred. To this day, I still deal with the self-hatred, but I have a little bit better understanding of why I beat myself up so much and engage in self-destructive behavior. Right around this past Christmas I had a bit of an epiphany (with the help of my boyfriend) and decided to try to start taking care of myself instead of beating myself up. I can't tell you exactly why I decided to do it... more or less I was just fed up with hating myself so much and thought, maybe if I could get healthier I would feel better about myself.

As far as the binging, it happens a lot less frequently, mostly because I'm sleeping better and not waking up in the middle of the night to go eat. My doctor gave me Lunesta to help me sleep through the night, and it works pretty well. On the nights I don't take it, I usually still binge.

Thanks for your response. May I ask how you define better taking care of yourself? It sounds like that has helped you with the bingeing, which is great. If it's too personal, no need to reply.

Yesterday I met with a nutritionist for the first time in probably about twelve years. Now I am super nervous. We didn't talk much about what I should be eating and how much or anything like that, but she mostly asked about my history and eating habits and stuff. Anyway I will cut to the chase: SHE IS RECOMMENDING I EAT 2,500 CALORIES A DAY, EVERY DAY. You have to understand that when I am not bingeing I try to eat around 1,200 calories a day. This is more than double that number, and I am horrified. I WILL gain weight if I consistently eat that much. However, if it does keep me from bingeing, then I suppose I will gain less weight. I have been very inactive recently, and will continue to be so. I know I am rambling but I'm seriously so afraid of this. I guess the worst thing that will happen is that I will binge...which I guess I will do anyway. But like many of you probably do, I tend to restrict between binges to overcompensate so this just seems crazy to me. But at the same time, I'm kind of excited. Maybe telling myself I can eat a lot more will reduce the bingeing, I don't know. Plus, it will allow for a lot more food so if I really want a doughnut for example, I can likely make it fit.

Ramblings:
Some history about me, not sure if I've ever mentioned this: I've struggled with some form of eating disorder much of my life. I tend to alternate between massive binge cycles and heavy restricting cycles, and I cannot seem to find balance. I used to struggle with bulimia, but I got help for it and after a few years of inpatient, residential, intensive outpatient, hospitalization, etc. (I was 15 at the time, I'm now 28) I was able to overcome the purging. I eventually began to struggle with anorexia, and now I just have major issues with binge eating (no purging). This is largely tied to my history of restriction, so I am really hoping that upping my calories significantly will help me. I hope that I can at least stabilize and start to lose weight again, but I need to do that in a healthy, sustainable way. I don't have that much to lose, and I want to raise my goal even higher. But my big fear at this point is the constant dramatic fluctuations in weight; it wreaks havoc on my self-esteem. It's really embarrassing to go home for the holidays at 133 pounds, and then find myself at 156 a week later. Like I said, I need to find balance. Ever since that significant weight gain in December, I lost about ten of it relatively fast (obviously much of it was water) but I've since gained most of it back and just keep jumping up and down with my weight. My weight trend says I'm at 151.6 today. I've been at a much higher weight before, and I know this number is at the low end of overweight for my height (5'5). But really what I want is to STABILIZE, and find balance. If I could just be consistent, that would be great. It's not so much about the actual number, but more so about the inconsistency of it and shame associated with such dramatic weight changes in short periods of time (whether it's gains or losses).

Sorry for the massive rant and ramblings. The stress of upping my calories so much is really causing me anxiety, although realistically if I do eat 2,500 daily and don't binge then I will come in at MUCH lower weekly calories totals than I have been lately!

Yep, me too. It's never good enough, unfortunately. At this point I feel like I just want to be comfortable, and I think a big part of that is just not fluctuating so dramatically ALL THE TIME. During the course of my MPH program (a year and a half), bounced around within a thirty pound weight range. It's ridiculous.