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This may be a tricky one for anyone to help me w but I thought I'd throw it out there. I'm doing great in my recovery from a 20'year eating disorder. I've been at a healthy weight for a couple of years now. I'm working hard on loving whatever shape/fitness level I'm at. I try to generally pay attention to eat as well as and more importantly how I feel- hungry, full, satisfied etc. not following a "plan." Just trying to listen to what my body needs/wants and not obsess. I find I am most stuck w blocking out my husbands obsession w himself fitting into a particular size and not being happy unless he's at that size or is within a small range on the scale. He gets really angry if his workout has to change bec of anything... Life, kids etc... He tells me to love myself no matter what but he continues to obsess himself. I know his issues are his own, but they are immensely triggering for me. He knows this but he's just being himself. It's so hard to love with someone who struggles w what sent me down a very dangerous path. Not a coincidence, Ive battled my ED our whole relationship. 25 + years. Any suggestions on how to keep myself on my own path. I have set up healthy boundaries w certain friends who I find toxic- for example, my friends who obsess over diet, or run obsessively like I used to, I will not eat w. Too many comments about what I'm eating or not and watching their excuses for their own disordered eating is too hard.

Mersie1 wrote: »

This may be a tricky one for anyone to help me w but I thought I'd throw it out there. I'm doing great in my recovery from a 20'year eating disorder. I've been at a healthy weight for a couple of years now. I'm working hard on loving whatever shape/fitness level I'm at. I try to generally pay attention to eat as well as and more importantly how I feel- hungry, full, satisfied etc. not following a "plan." Just trying to listen to what my body needs/wants and not obsess. I find I am most stuck w blocking out my husbands obsession w himself fitting into a particular size and not being happy unless he's at that size or is within a small range on the scale. He gets really angry if his workout has to change bec of anything... Life, kids etc... He tells me to love myself no matter what but he continues to obsess himself. I know his issues are his own, but they are immensely triggering for me. He knows this but he's just being himself. It's so hard to love with someone who struggles w what sent me down a very dangerous path. Not a coincidence, Ive battled my ED our whole relationship. 25 + years. Any suggestions on how to keep myself on my own path. I have set up healthy boundaries w certain friends who I find toxic- for example, my friends who obsess over diet, or run obsessively like I used to, I will not eat w. Too many comments about what I'm eating or not and watching their excuses for their own disordered eating is too hard.

You need to find ways to set up boundaries with your husband as well. Obviously he has to work through his own body issues, but him expressing his negative feelings about himself is hurtful to you. I think it's in both of your interests to do whatever it takes to avoid him triggering you - neither of you want to see you go through a relapse.

Some ideas:
-While he knows his issues are triggering, he probably doesn't realize the frequency or severity of the triggers. Any time he starts to say something that would be difficult for you, cut him off and say "trigger" (or another agreed-upon word) so he's aware what he's doing.
-Put a hard ban on any and all discussion of body talk. We have this idea that we should share everything with our spouses, but in this case it's probably best for him to find someone else to vent to.
-Go to couple's counseling and see if a therapist has recommendations. You might also get the added benefit of him processing some of his body issues.

It's important to remember that just as he couldn't fix you, you can't fix him. Do everything you can to show him love and make him feel good about who he is as he is, and encourage him to seek a healthier mental state. But don't take on the burden of his struggles and end up blaming yourself for something that's not your fault and is out of your control.