In a really bad place right now and need cuddles. :(
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LilSoyMilk
Posts: 22 Member
I have been a binge and stress eater since I was little. I remember stuffing my face with cold spaghetti right out of the pot in the fridge, after being scolded at when I was little. I have been bulimic since 9th grade.
I try to fight the urge to purge every time I eat, I try to convince myself that I'm eating healthy and this okay, I need fuel to be proactive and perform at work and be alert, happy, etc.
I am 30lbs lighter, and I am at 150lbs right now, working toward a goal of 125lbs. And every time I step on the scale, I feel like a disgusting blob of fat. I feel very insecure about my body, I don't feel sexy at all. All I ever see is fat, chunks and unattractive rolls. Food makes me happy, but then I binge to try and eat away my worries. Under crazy stress I lose control with what I eat and end up throwing up my dinner/snack/meal.
I haven't purged in about 10 days, but I binged yesterday, obviously going over my calorie goal for the day, and I just felt horrible and disgusting. I am trying to fight this, but I am in a moment of weakness.
I try to fight the urge to purge every time I eat, I try to convince myself that I'm eating healthy and this okay, I need fuel to be proactive and perform at work and be alert, happy, etc.
I am 30lbs lighter, and I am at 150lbs right now, working toward a goal of 125lbs. And every time I step on the scale, I feel like a disgusting blob of fat. I feel very insecure about my body, I don't feel sexy at all. All I ever see is fat, chunks and unattractive rolls. Food makes me happy, but then I binge to try and eat away my worries. Under crazy stress I lose control with what I eat and end up throwing up my dinner/snack/meal.
I haven't purged in about 10 days, but I binged yesterday, obviously going over my calorie goal for the day, and I just felt horrible and disgusting. I am trying to fight this, but I am in a moment of weakness.
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Replies
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Please tell me that you're in therapy! These are deep-seated issues that none of us can be expected to solve on our own.
All I can do is send you the biggest ever of hugs...1 -
10 days is GREAT progress. The first step to solving any issue is acknowledging that it exists, and wanting to change it, and it sounds like you're at that point right now.
I would strongly recommend therapy- I know a lot of people shudder at the word, but think of a therapist as an non-biased third party opinion from someone who understands your issue (the issue itself, the causes of it, and how to treat it) more than most people. There are even many that specialize in eating disorders. It truly is no different than going to the doctor because of a pain or illness that isn't going away on its own. And like doctors, some are better than others. It's important to find someone you are comfortable with and sometimes it takes a couple tries. I know it can be a scary thing to jump into but it's SO worth it, YOU are worth it!
Wishing you the best *hugs*2 -
@Moxie42 worded it so much better than I did, but I agree - 10 days feels like about 10 lifetimes at this point, I bet. All we can do is take life one moment at a time, one bite at a time. I wish you nothing but success!
And this isn't something wrong with you and your head and being weak. There is some physical component to this for ALL of us. Whether that's brain chemicals or nutrient deficiencies or what have you... You cannot force your body to spontaneously repair itself. You need legitimate medical help for that, and there is ZERO SHAME in that...
(HUGS), (CUDDLES), and (MORE HUGS!)2 -
KnitOrMiss wrote: »Please tell me that you're in therapy! These are deep-seated issues that none of us can be expected to solve on our own.
All I can do is send you the biggest ever of hugs...
I'm not, it's complicated. My mom is an alcoholic, so she left my family when I was 12 and my father kicked me out when I was 16. My older siblings did the best to take care of me, but they have their own families. So I can't afford therapy and currently lost my medical insurance due to turning 21, because I am an emancipated child. It's been hard so far getting affordable insurance. But, I'm really hoping I can fight through this without professional help.
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I'm so sorry that you're essentially having to go this alone, but honestly, the fact that you keep fighting back, that you unfortunately had such a rough childhood, and that you won't give up - to me that say that ONCE you fight this thing and get to an equilibrium with it all, you'll be all the stronger for it. You've had to depend on yourself for a long time, from the sound of it... That is both a blessing and a curse, IMO.
Personally, I think that the majority of us who have eating issues likely started out in a position of needing to control SOMETHING. Discovering that things like this were things we COULD control gave us a way of coping with whatever situation we were in. I personally believe that if we have identified that "start" to our own individual situations, it goes a long way to helping us isolate that trigger and be able to use other things to cope.
Personally, since you're in the situation you are as far as not being able to afford help, I would look into organizations like NEDA - where you can be paired with a supportive person who can just listen or give feedback and just give you a sounding board, a personal one. Most of the volunteers have suffered themselves or have been through things with a family member. It's an incredible group.
I wish you nothing but success, but please, should the opportunity arise, don't hesitate to accept professional help - and don't blame yourself if you can't "fight through this without" it.... (HUGS)1 -
KnitOrMiss wrote: »I'm so sorry that you're essentially having to go this alone, but honestly, the fact that you keep fighting back, that you unfortunately had such a rough childhood, and that you won't give up - to me that say that ONCE you fight this thing and get to an equilibrium with it all, you'll be all the stronger for it. You've had to depend on yourself for a long time, from the sound of it... That is both a blessing and a curse, IMO.
Personally, I think that the majority of us who have eating issues likely started out in a position of needing to control SOMETHING. Discovering that things like this were things we COULD control gave us a way of coping with whatever situation we were in. I personally believe that if we have identified that "start" to our own individual situations, it goes a long way to helping us isolate that trigger and be able to use other things to cope.
Personally, since you're in the situation you are as far as not being able to afford help, I would look into organizations like NEDA - where you can be paired with a supportive person who can just listen or give feedback and just give you a sounding board, a personal one. Most of the volunteers have suffered themselves or have been through things with a family member. It's an incredible group.
I wish you nothing but success, but please, should the opportunity arise, don't hesitate to accept professional help - and don't blame yourself if you can't "fight through this without" it.... (HUGS)
Thank you0
