Breaking Up with a Friend
fluffyfontaine_
Posts: 15 Member
(X-Posted in the Emotional Eating Group)
Argh! I'm so frustrated and am eating my way through it. I am single and have, but one, single, childless friend left. He is, to put it nicely, a sphincter of the nether regions. I can't tell you how many times during the course of our friendship that I've changed his name in my phone to "sphincter" (again, that's putting it nicely), as a reminder not to contact him. The only reason I maintain the friendship is because, like I said, he's the only single friend I have left to hang out with and he's retired, so he's often available during the week when I have time off from work.
I've noticed in recent weeks that I always binge after spending time with him. I was having a great day today, food-wise, until I spent a couple of hours with him. For weeks now, I've been telling myself to break off the friendship, but I'm afraid of the lack of companionship if I do. He and I text all day long as well, so I'll miss that interaction too (he's not a jerk via text).
On the way home from our coffee and walk, while planning my binge, it became clear to me that I HAVE to eliminate him from my life, or at the very least, just keep the friendship to texting. Spending time with him is an utter and complete downer, and I want to rid myself of those things that bring me down and make me binge.
I'm not seeking any advice or affirmations here, but I did want to vent. Actually.....has anyone else had to give something up a friendship that they knew wasn't good for them? How did you do it and how did you cope afterwards?
I thanks any responders in advance, for sharing.
Argh! I'm so frustrated and am eating my way through it. I am single and have, but one, single, childless friend left. He is, to put it nicely, a sphincter of the nether regions. I can't tell you how many times during the course of our friendship that I've changed his name in my phone to "sphincter" (again, that's putting it nicely), as a reminder not to contact him. The only reason I maintain the friendship is because, like I said, he's the only single friend I have left to hang out with and he's retired, so he's often available during the week when I have time off from work.
I've noticed in recent weeks that I always binge after spending time with him. I was having a great day today, food-wise, until I spent a couple of hours with him. For weeks now, I've been telling myself to break off the friendship, but I'm afraid of the lack of companionship if I do. He and I text all day long as well, so I'll miss that interaction too (he's not a jerk via text).
On the way home from our coffee and walk, while planning my binge, it became clear to me that I HAVE to eliminate him from my life, or at the very least, just keep the friendship to texting. Spending time with him is an utter and complete downer, and I want to rid myself of those things that bring me down and make me binge.
I'm not seeking any advice or affirmations here, but I did want to vent. Actually.....has anyone else had to give something up a friendship that they knew wasn't good for them? How did you do it and how did you cope afterwards?
I thanks any responders in advance, for sharing.
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Replies
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Wow. I don't know that I've ever really dealt with something directly like this, aside from having to stop being "friends" with my ex-husband after a certain point in time, due to the stress it was causing me.
It really depends on if you're a "rip the bandaid off" kind of person, I think.
For me, more slow and subtle would help. When he texts, put yourself on a time, and take more time to respond. Perhaps figure out what it is about seeing him in person that's so personal. Is he resentful of your sexy single-ness? I had a woman that I was friendly with who was a type of "energy vampire." Every time I spent time around her, I just felt drained of all hope, energy, intention, determination, happiness, everything. And she wasn't even negative, exactly. I just felt exhausted after every interaction. I helped her to a point beyond friendship, then I dusted my hands off and moved on.
I still stay in very loose touch on FB, via the occasional, "hi, how are you, hope you're well" kind of thing.
Also, maybe some self-exploration. Are you a masochist? Are you using him to give you momentum to binge so you can get that comfort effect? Do you feel better about your misery after experiencing his? Do you not feel like you DESERVE to have real, caring, intelligent, and kind people in your life?
I guess my advice is, start writing, questioning, thinking - and get to the root of why this bothers you... Is it him? Is it you? Do you hate your job? Do you want to date? Does he want to date you and he knows it's not reciprocated? Could setting some boundaries help? Would just laying it you there make a difference? "Dude, you're awesome when we text, but you're a total *malebodypart* when we're in person. WTF?"
Whatever happens, it's fabulous that you've realized this, and if you do decide the relationship is worth salvaging, knowing all of this helps you to form a battle plan to survive intact... I'm happy to be a sounding board, if you need it...
(HUGS)2 -
Thanks, KnitOrMiss.
I have indeed done quite a bit of self-exploration in regards to this particular person. I really ONLY spend time with him because all my other friends are married with kids, and very busy with their family life, so he's all I have left for a social life.
He's a negative, grumpy, shallow, and judgmental person, whose humour is always sarcastic, but to the point of being quite cruel. He doesn't necessarily direct his negativity towards me, but just being near it and listening to his comments about life, others, relationships, etc, is really wearing on me. I did have a crush on him at one point, but am grateful that his feelings weren't reciprocal, because now that I've really gotten to know him over the 3 years of our friendship, I've learned that he is NOT the person for me.
I like your idea of taking longer and longer to respond to his texts. Maybe the friendship will just phase out naturally. I am going to decline any invites to do things in person and if he asks why I'm not wanting to spend time with him anymore, then I will be honest and tell him that it's his attitude.
Since seeing him yesterday and deciding that I need to see less of him or even eliminate him from my life, I've realized that without him, I may be forced to go to events or places where I may have the opportunity to meet new people. That would be a very positive thing for me.
I love your question about being an emotional masochist. I at one time did use my eating disorder that way, but I've since learned not to. I still find myself tempted to do so again from time to time, but I've yet to cave and I hope I won't.
FF2 -
I stole the texting delay idea from my bestie who used it to stop being as emotionally invested in a guy she's seen for 7 years with whom a mutual breakup ensued from a logical space, but "they just couldn't quit each other." It gave her some of her freedom and sense of self back to push the pause button on recognizing his texts and emails, etc... I hope it works for you, too. If he's feeling similarly, it should slowly wind down and fade naturally...
And your plan to say something if/when he asks is good, as well. I love that you're also viewing this as an opportunity. My same friend had developed a crippling social anxiety while seeing that guy, and it took her a few months after their split to really WAKE UP...and now she has a thriving, fun, and fulfilling social life - free from that odd anxiety.
I wish you happiness! And strength. Another thought, too, is that once other facets of your social human needs are fulfilled, he might not be able to "drain" you the same way...you might have innate defense that kick in or something!
So limited social interaction down the road might be possible - ON YOUR TERMS. 1 -
Those are all great points, KnitorMiss. Thanks for the encouragement!!1
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You are very insightful and self-aware. I've had to do the same thing.
I met this girl from Holland via KIK messenger who was extremely depressed, anorexic, addicted to alcohol and self-harm, and has suffered traumatic sexual and emotional abuse. She also was homosexual and held a severe hatred for all men (sexist).
She would message me every single day, and I would always do my best to give her encouragement, advice, and support. But the more time went on I noticed I would begin to dread messaging with her, and I would put it off, etc.
Then at my local psychiatric rehabilitation program, we had a group topic on toxic people. I'm not saying she was a bad person, quite the opposite; she was very nice and friendly and loving, at least towards me. But our relationship was draining me emotionally, so I decided to delete my KIK app altogether, for my own emotional health.
I'm sure she was probably very disappointed in me, and even more depressed, etc., but I feel much better now that I've cut her out of my life. I refuse to allow myself to feel guilty over an action that was in my own best interest. We'll never meet, since we live so far away, so there's only a small extent to which I can even help her. And it didn't even seem like she was absorbing what I was telling her anyway.
Sometimes you have to make these decisions for your own health. I struggle with my own mental health diagnoses / problems, and I need to focus on my recovery first and foremost. I'm not really used to putting myself first, but I think it's the right thing to do. Because if you just drain yourself like how I described, you really aren't able to help anyone at all because you'll be empty. That's how it was for me.
I encourage you to put yourself out there and try your best to find new friends / friendly acquaintances that you can text and/or spend time with. And when the time comes to officially cut him out of your life, I'd just explain him the truth, explaining how you've noticed these patterns of unhealthy acts in your life after spending time with him, and for your own health you need to stop spending time with him, but you wish him well. Or something like that. 2 -
I've had to eliminate several friendships, one of them sounding very close to what you are describing. She was my best friend for a long time- I considered her a sister. But every time she was in a relationship, I became nothing to her. She flaked and lied, even after I called her out on it many times. But when she was single, it was even worse. Suddenly she'd want to hang out but she was SO negative, embarrassing in public (calling children "parasites" loudly enough for everyone around to hear), and really mean to friends of mine, so much so that people admitted to me that sometimes they wouldn't come to our get-togethers because they didn't want to deal with her.
I knew she was depressed and I felt bad. I thought that by staying friends with her, I'd be helping her. I suggested she get help, and was honest with her about the problem. I told her "Look, you're my friend and I love you, but I'm not okay with how you treat people, and I can't continue to be around that. I want to help but I can't if you won't help yourself." Nothing changed. She was supposed to be my bridesmaid but I knew she absolutely hated another one of my bridesmaids. I asked her "Can you please, for the sake of me and my wedding...can you be nice to her? Can you put your own issues with her aside just this one day, for me?" Her response was "I don't see why I should have to be nice to someone I don't like. But fine, I just won't talk to her at all." She thought that was a good solution.
After months of debate, I eventually had to "fire" her as a bridesmaid and basically as a friend. She tried to turn it on me and stuff, but I just told her, "If you want to get help, I will help you. I really want the best for you. But I can't be around someone who treats people the way you do, and it hurts to only be your friend when you're single, knowing the second you get a boyfriend that I will no longer exist." I talked to her very calmly, and I listened to her, but I stood my ground.
It was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I still get a little pang sometimes when I think about it, but honestly- my life is better without her in it. It's lonelier...I mean, yes, I'm married, but I have ZERO friends that live less than a couple hours away. No one to talk to if things at home are rough. No one to hang out with, or talk about favorite tv shows, or go places with to do girl-stuff or anything else my husband has no interest in (movies, crafting things, wine tasting). Occasionally she and I hang out but every time I regret it because it's just not fun when she is so mean and negative and angry. I know the only reason she contacts me is because she has literally no one else (because of how she treats people), but as bad as this might sound, I wish she would stop. I do care about her but this weird "friendship" that consists of rare texts and coffee shops feels like we're just dragging on this heavy thing that neither of us really want yet can't cut off. Like an on-off relationship that you know will never work out but you keep going back to it anyway.
I don't think there is a right or wrong way to go about something like this BUT if your time with him makes you unhappy more than it makes you happy...then it probably would be in your best interest to let it go. That might mean cutting it off entirely, or talking to him about his behavior (depending on whether or not you think it can change). You can't change someone, per se, but if you think this could be a result of his personal issues, and if you guys used to have a happy and healthy friendship that you want to salvage, you could try talking to him about your concerns and be honest that it is difficult to be around him sometimes.
As for what to do when/if that friendship is lost...meeting people can be difficult, but maybe take a class for a hobby you enjoy or have interest in. Or plan a monthly night to get together with your other friends, even the married ones!
About the married friends...I know that a lot of married people only seem to want to hang out with their spouses, and that sucks. BUT I do think that sometimes there is an assumption that married people have no interest in friendships or that they are "boring." For example, it's really hard for me to make plans with people. Even before my friends moved away, my husband and I were always busy (between visiting his parents, my parents, plans we had together, projects for the house we work on, etc.). So last-minute plans were near impossible. I still wanted to see my friends though. I would plan BBQs and parties so that we could all spend time together. I would try to make plans a month in advance. But my friends flaked on me last-minute, and most stopped RSVPing to the events I planned. No one wanted to commit to a plan weeks in advance, but if you were to ask them, they'd probably say that I'm the one who's never around. Like I said, I totally understand that some married people really do close themselves off to the world, and there's not much you can do about that. BUT maybe some of them do want to hang out and just need that little push to know that they haven't been forgotten.
Sorry to go on and on about my own experience. I don't really know what advice to give but I hope this helps you know you're definitely not alone in this. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat too. I've had several toxic friendships, and one abusive relationship, and it took me many years to learn how to let go of those things and do what is best for me. There are people who really hurt me who I still miss. A lot. But drama and pain is not a good trade-off for loneliness, and even though I get down about it sometimes, I know my life is better and healthier than it was when I had toxic people in it.
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@denisemarielarnder - Thanks for sharing your experience and for the encouragement I need to seek out new friends. I'm glad breaking up with the Dutch girl lightened the load she put upon your shoulders.
@Moxie42 - Thanks to you as well, for sharing your story. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in my experience and that you understand what it's like not having any other friends around. My married friends all have kids involved in extra-curricular activities and don't have time to go out in the evening, but we do meet for coffee or lunch every couple of months.
WIthout my saying anything to him, my friend has sought out psychotherapy. I told him I'm happy to hear that because it was becoming very evident that the stresses in his life are affecting him and our friendship negatively. We've dropped down to seeing one another once every 2 weeks and I'm trying to distance myself even more. I depend on him too much and I don't want that.
I appreciate everyone's responses!
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Good for you! And for him, for getting help! Hopefully the distance will help him focus on his own issues, and help you move on from the dependence. Maybe you guys can reconnect down the line but it sounds like this is a good change for both of you right now. I'm glad you had the opportunity to mention that his stresses are affecting your friendship too. Sometimes people forget that their own issues DO affect others too, and that realization can be what pushes someone to think "this is a bigger issue than I realized, I need to do something about this."
Wishing you the best!1
