I've had to eliminate several friendships, one of them sounding very close to what you are describing. She was my best friend for a long time- I considered her a sister. But every time she was in a relationship, I became nothing to her. She flaked and lied, even after I called her out on it many times. But when she was single, it was even worse. Suddenly she'd want to hang out but she was SO negative, embarrassing in public (calling children "parasites" loudly enough for everyone around to hear), and really mean to friends of mine, so much so that people admitted to me that sometimes they wouldn't come to our get-togethers because they didn't want to deal with her.

I knew she was depressed and I felt bad. I thought that by staying friends with her, I'd be helping her. I suggested she get help, and was honest with her about the problem. I told her "Look, you're my friend and I love you, but I'm not okay with how you treat people, and I can't continue to be around that. I want to help but I can't if you won't help yourself." Nothing changed. She was supposed to be my bridesmaid but I knew she absolutely hated another one of my bridesmaids. I asked her "Can you please, for the sake of me and my wedding...can you be nice to her? Can you put your own issues with her aside just this one day, for me?" Her response was "I don't see why I should have to be nice to someone I don't like. But fine, I just won't talk to her at all." She thought that was a good solution.

After months of debate, I eventually had to "fire" her as a bridesmaid and basically as a friend. She tried to turn it on me and stuff, but I just told her, "If you want to get help, I will help you. I really want the best for you. But I can't be around someone who treats people the way you do, and it hurts to only be your friend when you're single, knowing the second you get a boyfriend that I will no longer exist." I talked to her very calmly, and I listened to her, but I stood my ground.

It was one of the hardest things I've had to do. I still get a little pang sometimes when I think about it, but honestly- my life is better without her in it. It's lonelier...I mean, yes, I'm married, but I have ZERO friends that live less than a couple hours away. No one to talk to if things at home are rough. No one to hang out with, or talk about favorite tv shows, or go places with to do girl-stuff or anything else my husband has no interest in (movies, crafting things, wine tasting). Occasionally she and I hang out but every time I regret it because it's just not fun when she is so mean and negative and angry. I know the only reason she contacts me is because she has literally no one else (because of how she treats people), but as bad as this might sound, I wish she would stop. I do care about her but this weird "friendship" that consists of rare texts and coffee shops feels like we're just dragging on this heavy thing that neither of us really want yet can't cut off. Like an on-off relationship that you know will never work out but you keep going back to it anyway.

I don't think there is a right or wrong way to go about something like this BUT if your time with him makes you unhappy more than it makes you happy...then it probably would be in your best interest to let it go. That might mean cutting it off entirely, or talking to him about his behavior (depending on whether or not you think it can change). You can't change someone, per se, but if you think this could be a result of his personal issues, and if you guys used to have a happy and healthy friendship that you want to salvage, you could try talking to him about your concerns and be honest that it is difficult to be around him sometimes.

As for what to do when/if that friendship is lost...meeting people can be difficult, but maybe take a class for a hobby you enjoy or have interest in. Or plan a monthly night to get together with your other friends, even the married ones!

About the married friends...I know that a lot of married people only seem to want to hang out with their spouses, and that sucks. BUT I do think that sometimes there is an assumption that married people have no interest in friendships or that they are "boring." For example, it's really hard for me to make plans with people. Even before my friends moved away, my husband and I were always busy (between visiting his parents, my parents, plans we had together, projects for the house we work on, etc.). So last-minute plans were near impossible. I still wanted to see my friends though. I would plan BBQs and parties so that we could all spend time together. I would try to make plans a month in advance. But my friends flaked on me last-minute, and most stopped RSVPing to the events I planned. No one wanted to commit to a plan weeks in advance, but if you were to ask them, they'd probably say that I'm the one who's never around. Like I said, I totally understand that some married people really do close themselves off to the world, and there's not much you can do about that. BUT maybe some of them do want to hang out and just need that little push to know that they haven't been forgotten.

Sorry to go on and on about my own experience. I don't really know what advice to give but I hope this helps you know you're definitely not alone in this. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat too. I've had several toxic friendships, and one abusive relationship, and it took me many years to learn how to let go of those things and do what is best for me. There are people who really hurt me who I still miss. A lot. But drama and pain is not a good trade-off for loneliness, and even though I get down about it sometimes, I know my life is better and healthier than it was when I had toxic people in it.

Good for you! And for him, for getting help! Hopefully the distance will help him focus on his own issues, and help you move on from the dependence. Maybe you guys can reconnect down the line but it sounds like this is a good change for both of you right now. I'm glad you had the opportunity to mention that his stresses are affecting your friendship too. Sometimes people forget that their own issues DO affect others too, and that realization can be what pushes someone to think "this is a bigger issue than I realized, I need to do something about this."

Wishing you the best!