Does your partner/family KNOW?
KnitOrMiss
Posts: 10,103 Member
For those of you in a relationship of any kind with a significant other, adult children, friends, family, etc., do they know about your binge-eating?
If so, how do they deal with it?
For folks who don't suffer themselves, the compulsion and lack of rational thought just seem like gluttony and laziness. As much as someone who doesn't suffer may want (or not want) to understand, they really can't truly get it, unless they have a situation themselves that relates...
If not, why?
Does it make it better or worse for someone to know? How do you survive the judgment? The accusations? Any of it? All of it?
Really in a place right now where just fighting to overcome something like BED truly has me considering foolish, extreme options, which we all know don't work long term - or well... I've hit walls that seem insurmountable in just about every aspect of my mental, physical, psychological, and financial health right now, and everything just seems completely impossible to cope with, much less overcome, and the added stress has me in the middle of a bout with an outlying health condition that won't resolve until I do...and it just seems easier to quit fighting.
I just wanted to share this in case anyone else out there is struggling, too - reminding us all that we're not alone, no matter how isolating it all feels.
If so, how do they deal with it?
For folks who don't suffer themselves, the compulsion and lack of rational thought just seem like gluttony and laziness. As much as someone who doesn't suffer may want (or not want) to understand, they really can't truly get it, unless they have a situation themselves that relates...
If not, why?
Does it make it better or worse for someone to know? How do you survive the judgment? The accusations? Any of it? All of it?
Really in a place right now where just fighting to overcome something like BED truly has me considering foolish, extreme options, which we all know don't work long term - or well... I've hit walls that seem insurmountable in just about every aspect of my mental, physical, psychological, and financial health right now, and everything just seems completely impossible to cope with, much less overcome, and the added stress has me in the middle of a bout with an outlying health condition that won't resolve until I do...and it just seems easier to quit fighting.
I just wanted to share this in case anyone else out there is struggling, too - reminding us all that we're not alone, no matter how isolating it all feels.
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I have been quite clear w a few friends about bingeing. My husband knows but I think he believes it was more in the past. It's so much better than it was but still a behavior that I sometimes engage in sadly!! My anorexic brain is still giving me trouble as my temptation to restrict can be high- which is what leads directly to a binge for me.
As you said- you're not alone!
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No one close to me knows! I may occasionally admit to binge-type behaviour, but more in a casual "can't have chocolate in the house or I might want to eat the whole thing!" comment.
My husband honestly believes my weight fluctuations are more connected to how much physical activity I am doing and whether I am counting calories or having larger portions/more wine, cheese etc. He has no idea that sometimes I eat in secret or wait until he's on night shift and go crazy. We have a supermarket down the road, so I just replace anything I ate and get rid of any evidence. Eek! I am sure he would try to be supportive, but he has a healthy/normal relationship with food so I think shame holds me back.
It probably would make it better if someone knew because I would maybe hold myself more accountable... but right now I find this group is having the same affect. It feels safer to share with people who "get it".
I'm sorry that things feel so impossible right now @KnitOrMiss. Are there small steps you can take to alleviate some of the stress you're under? Even if it's something simple like giving yourself half an hour every day for "time out" to relax and take care of your own needs. Sending lots of good thoughts your way xo1 -
No one in my family knows about the binge eating. That is part of the behaviour for me - secretive eating alone. I suspect that my sister may suffer as well. After all, we were brought up in the same house with many of the same issues around food. Also, I see that her weight fluctuates. We talk about it in the same off hand way as you, KristyKris31.
I feel more support coming on mfp then I ever would from hubby. He would be very judgemental and would criticize me for being weak. Shudder! His criticism would definitely trigger more binges!!1 -
Knit, it is so true that we are not alone in this, for all it sometimes feels as if we are. When you're in the midst of fighting an urge, it can be a very solitary, isolating feeling. There are many of us here who appreciate your positive, encouraging messages when we are in the midst of our own difficult times, and we send those good wishes back to you now, with an exclamation point!3
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Yes, toward the end I came clean. I had to, because one of my failed attempts at controlling it was to put a lock on the fridge and give my hubby and kid the keys, haha! Plus the therapy and OA, they knew about that. Now I take a prescription medication which controls it, thankfully, and I no longer have the compulsion to binge, but if I do, the first person I will call will be my husband and the second will be my doctor. I'm not playing a game here anymore. My life is at stake. Everyone in immediate circle needs to know, and if they don't like it, too bad, it's reality and they gotta deal with it, just like me.2
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No one knows the details.
I have made small comments about self control, being healthier, fitness goals...
But never specifically about the struggle or binges.
Binges are way more than just a slip up here and there, it's not a normal pattern of eating. Its hard to come clean with abnormal behavior like that - especially when I fear they will not understand or will judge me for it instead of accepting and helping me through it.
I have been belittled by family in the past for being too overweight, then for dieting too much, and losing weight.
I see the history of diets and cheat days in my family, mainly women in the family. I feel like some of the disordered patterns of eating were passed on from being raised in a house with it. Not saying they all have BED, but it's an unhealthy history of eating patterns and the mentality towards diets and weight loss. Sometimes being around those family members makes me feel triggered when they talk about crash diets, cheat days, weight loss goals.
Some of the guys I've dated in the past have made comments about other peoples weight. It was never insulting my weight or body.... but it makes me feel insecure about my own eating patterns when I hear that from men. It makes it harder to confide in a partner about something like that. I feel like they would view me in a different light.
I can't say all my fears will come true if I confide to family, friends, or partners. But it is a very sensitive topic and it's easier to talk about it to people on MFP who also struggle with the same thing and understand without judgement.
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My husband and I have been together for about 4 years, all of them with me binging. I do the grocery shopping and he's not very observant so as long as I clean up after myself, he doesn't notice.
I just "told" my husband tonight, after he saw me looking at this group. It was more just a comment in passing and didn't lead to a discussion at all. Either he doesn't believe me, or he doesn't think it's as serious of an issue as it is. He just said I need to eat more on a regular basis, saying I should lose 2lbs a month instead of making my goal 4. While I can see his point, that's not a gratifying or acceptable rate for me, especially since this is only month 2 of starting over (AGAIN).
If he doesn't bring it up, I'm not going to talk about it.
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I'm freshly back on MFP today, so hello all.
I wanted to echo what Kristykris31 said as I relate to it a lot. I have hinted at my BED with my mother, commenting about my unhealthy relationship with food but I think she doesn't realize the scope (and in her defense, I haven't given enough information to truly understand the magnitude). As for my husband, my husband thinks along the same line as what Kristykris31 said. He thinks if I'd hit the gym consistently I'd be fine (ironically, up until about 4 months ago....I was consistently in the gym and still putting on weight, granted slower because of the gym). My husband's workshifts also impact my binge eating. If I know he's on nights, I tend to buy foods that I know that I'll binge on because....no one will know.... and so on. I've considered truly sitting down and talking to him, but despite my belief that he 100% loves me and would do anything for me, I feel that this is one thing he can't wrap his brain around. My husband is a goal tackler. And I mean that almost literally! If he wants to gain muscle, he maps a plan and gains muscle. He wanted to make a team at work that required an obstacle course and 3.2 mile run (he never runs), so he hit the pavement and in a ridiculously short amount of time, was able to achieve that goal. I love that about him. But that's not me. I'm struggling with BED and simply setting goals and putting my 'nose to the grindstone' isn't solving the real issues. So, long story short, no...no real sharing about this. 1 -
My "husband" (not married, but we might as well be with three kids lol) doesn't really know. I've mentioned it here and there, but as was said in an earlier story, but in a very casual way. It is true for me that certain foods I wish I could just NOT have in my house, but with kids it is SO very difficult. Some of my trigger foods are the exact foods him and my children enjoy.
My brother is probably the only person I've told, albeit only once, about how I can seriously just stand in front of my refrigerator, and eat bit and pieces of EVERYTHING that is in there.
When I began this journey in September, I really had to consciously CLOSE the refrigerator door and walk away. Since the holidays, I've been struggling again, and am doing my best to get back to CLOSING the door and walking away.
So honestly, it is my personal thing, so I was thrilled to see this group.2 -
The only person in my life I've told is my husband, but I don't think he realizes how extreme it is sometimes. He thinks he knows exactly what I'm going through because he "binges" too but I don't think he has to, like, fight compulsive urges- it's more of an over-eating issue. He can easily choose to not binge, whereas for me quitting binging is just as difficult as quitting smoking was. Either that or he's in denial about the extent of his own binging problem (definitely very possible) and accepting the severity of my problem would probably mean him having to be accept his own problem too, and he's not ready/willing to do that. So I feel like he tends to brush it off like it's not that big of a deal. I think he's trying to make me feel better, but also trying to make himself feel better about himself and also about me because he doesn't want to worry about me. And if we ignore a problem, it's not there, right?
I wish I could be more open about it with him, but when someone just doesn't get it, their best intentions can end up making me feel even more isolated. That's why I was so glad to find this group- it's the only place I feel like I can be 100% honest and open, and not only NOT be judged, but also BE understood.
You're not alone at all. A lot of us might have loving, supporting people in our lives, but I think being understood is just important, and sometimes the people in our lives just can't understand because they haven't been through it. I would guess a lot of us are on MFP and especially on this board because of that.4 -
I haven't told anyone about my BED other than the people I am working with to try sort it out. I am only just coming to terms with it myself really.
My family wouldn't understand. My Mum has strange ideas on foods and is constantly on some kind of diet. I think if I told her, she would somehow feel entitled to give me nutritional advice, which is not what I want.
I think my dad has some kind of idea of what I am going through, he knows I didn't get to the size that I am by magic. I don't feel the point in telling him at this moment in time, as he might worry or get upset.
I might tell them one day when I have successfully lost weight and got the BED under control.
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I wonder about this, having recently watched a TV program where young girls who had been victims of human trafficking and the sex trade didn't want their families/fathers to know what had been done to them. Also, a number of other programs or news stories recently have included perpetrators not going to jail because the victims didn't want to go through a trial and have to suffer indignities all over again or be victimized by lawyers, have their sufferings publicized, etc.
We know that this is a horrible aspect of the current process of law, due to all of the false claims made and the necessity of being "innocent until proven guilty," but there should be a line drawn somewhere. Regardless of that, we know that the family in these incidences, when properly informed and educated, can help the victims heal, recover, and move forward in their lives.
However, there is a far different viewing in our society of the obviousness of sexual assault versus the blaming the victim situation that happens with legitimate eating disorders. I think most of us are stuck in that loop of people telling us that we are lazy and don't try and all of that, rather than people saying things, like, "Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that you have XYZ condition/deficiency. Let me know how I can support and help you."
I wonder, though, if there were true, consistent, and accepted information about the reality of living with things like this, if we could start to trust in people understanding a bit more?
Or perhaps those without context, never having suffered themselves, would still think it is a failing on our parts... I'll have to think more on this. Because I know my own issues get minimized by some, lip service by some, compassion from others, understanding from a rare few, but mostly, I still feel alone and isolated, except for groups like this...
I wonder how much of that is a protective reflex for whatever triggers the condition initially. Like how bad gut bacteria will scream at us for foods we don't want to eat when it starts to die off... Or how an inflammation/sensitivity reaction actually triggers cravings through some weird internal system... If the condition protects it self (mentally or physically) by isolating us...
We know depression lies. The scale lies. Our brains lie to us... How is this really any different? It is all on the mental/chemical side, too??
Time to think on this...0 -
For me, everybody knows--family, co-workers, friends. I'm only now starting to feel like I'm getting my BED under control (no binges in 3 weeks) after many crappy re-starts since New Years.3
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