hello my lovelies, can't believe how long I haven't been on here!

oh @flumi_f I'm so happy to see you still here! so looking forward to reading your posts again

I don't know if I should even try to account for where I've been physically...but "mentally" is probably a better description...the last year (is that how long since I've been here??? or maybe it's been longer omg)

in 2016 alone, my mom, sister, and I have all been hospitalized (luckily we're all happy and healthy now!), I've even had knee surgery, and been working hard on my mental health (I got so low in November I even spent a week in the hospital...but it got me hooked up with amazing psychiatrists that I willing drive 2 hrs each way to see). I'm afraid to talk too much about it because I know mental health stuff can be triggering for some ppl, but I'll just say 3 months out and I'm feeling much better...and surprisingly a lot better WITHOUT any medication. I went on something in the hospital and over time I noticed a lot of my symptoms were escalating. It was like night and day once I went off; most of the compulsive negative thoughts and behaviors blurred away and I could just EXIST more without non-stop worry, doubt, anxiety, depressive thoughts. I finally saw an opening where I didn't have to think about it and could feel peace, even if brief.

Since I've been off (about 2.5 weeks), I've only had one bad episode vs the week before I went off I had 3 bad breakdowns, 2 panic attacks (unprovoked, like just notice my hands start shaking, my heart pumping too fast and then crashing too fast with uncontrollable crying without any obvious trigger), and was even dreaming about panic attacks. so yeah, things aren't perfect, but man, going through such bad episodes lately really left me with some great perspective to see how much BETTER things are. And that's enough to keep me going!

So now I'm looking to ease back into 5:2 since it was a time I felt good- I could feel my body had less inflammation, I wasn't hungry or obsessive about food, and just enjoyed being able to eat small portions of what I love instead of cooking for 2 hours a day for crappy, healthy food and burning out too fast.

Thanks for letting me vent and get some stuff off my chest. I had guilt I stopped caring about my body and health after doing so well with 5:2 the first time, but feel I probably had to go through tough times to see how much better it will feel coming back again.

Thanks and hello to anyone I haven't met yet!