I think you AND your wife just need to approach this differently in that you stop any and all focus on seeking scale weight loss as the goal.

I honestly think sugar coating the truth to try and save a kids self image doesn't actually do that either. Telling them, "you don't need to lose any weight, you're perfect the way you are" is literally choosing to ignore a symptom of poor health and/or poor lifestyle choices that will only do long term harm physically and mentally. How is that any better?
Instead, take ALL the focus off of scale weight. Health has zero to do with it! Sit her down and tell her that number doesn't mean anything. That people of the same weight and even sane height can look and feel very different from each other. Plus, she's got quite a long time that her body is going to be growing and changing and the only thing that is actually important is feeling good physically.
Ask her if she feels good when she's out playing? Does she feel good after eating her normal foods? Does she ever feel physically bad or extra tired even she slept all night or have tummy troubles or bathroom issues. Or trouble concentrating and paying attention. Those are the important things. And if she's overweight, she may have at least one area of concern that would be a better goal than losing weight. You can then teach how the foods we eat have an effect on whatever thing she decides she would like to get better. You can explain how eating more healthy fats are great for energy and your brain. And how eating wheat and high sugar processed foods can upset your stomach, give you bathroom issues and make your brain feel sluggish. You can ask her if she wants your help to learn what foods to avoid eating that will not help her feel good. And then make those foods unavailable and teach that if she chooses to eat them anyway from somewhere else, that she will have trouble with her goal of feeling her best.
You can compromise with your wife to at least eliminate wheat and all processed grain and sugar foods. Your daughter, even if already showing signs of metabolic stress, is still mostly metabolically healthy and will definitely do well even if she's eating fruit and some starchy vegetables and beans. I would teach that vegetables are better than fruit and some fruit is better than other fruit and it's just about making good choices and eating what makes you feel good. So let her know to think about when she feels the best and think about the food she chose that day to fuel her body and maybe those were things her body particularly likes. Try to teach a "food is fuel" idea without making it so strict as to come across as that's all it is either. You also don't want a "food makes things fun or makes everything better" message. That's where some people fall into a food makes me happy mindset that is very hard to deal with. And then the idea that parties or holidays are only fun because of the food... try to teach taking the focus off of food as being a reward or food for the sole purpose of enjoyment... food can still be enjoyed, and work to teach that the best part of enjoying it is how good you feel and how you know that lots of good food can be eaten, enjoyed and not do your body harm.
If your wife can't agree to get rid of packaged and processed foods and not be trying to fit them in and justify "deserving" them, then she needs to learn the "eat to live, don't live to eat" message too. And that kind of reluctance is likely rooted in food addiction. Without recognizing it, it won't get better.

Heather4448 wrote: »

It's so sad that a nine year old feels badly about her weight. I recently had to take my 8 yo son to the doctor because he was displaying early signs of anorexia. So, although very different, I understand your concern. 9 is a perfect age to get her into gymnastics, martial arts, or any number of fun activities. I wish you the best.

To follow up on this, 9 is a good age for a girl to take karate or something similar. As the dad of an 11 yo girl, I wish we had gotten her started sooner. She just started and will soon be 12. In this day and age I think it is of utmost importance for us to teach our daughters skills to defend themselves. The physical fitness side of this is just a side benefit.

BTW, about a month in and my daughter LOVES karate. She is a book nerd reading well above her grade level and not inclined to do anything that remotely resembles exercise. This has gotten her interested in trying other physical activities and is in fact now going to try out for track next year when she enters 7th grade.