Hello VSG lovelies! I have been away a good while-- did a quick scan of the posts- see some new faces, and some old friends-- hello! I am three years post-op. Gained 20 pounds in the last year - mostly because I stopped obsessing about every thing I ate. I exercised in ways that felt good rather than for "maximum burn". I stopped writing down what I ate because I just wanted to feel "normal" for awhile. To be able to stop counting and measuring and on and on. This past summer, I pretty much lost my taste for meat and now I am mostly vegetarian. I say "mostly" because very once in awhile I will have a little chicken or a piece of steak, but rarely. I also eat sushi evey now and again.

I just had my annual follow up with my surgeon (well, not MY surgeon because he left the practice, but A surgeon-- and a very nice one-- although not NEARLY as cute as the last LOL). I went to him with my story--- I lost a bunch, I got crazy obsessed. I got all the way down to 160-something and was convinced I needed to lose 10 more pounds. I restricted, I binged, I cried, I struggled-- and then about 5 months ago, I said "to HELL with THIS"-- I did not have surgery to still feel like I was in prison. NO MORE fake ANYTHING-- no more Splenda, no more protein bars, no more counting, no more doing hours and hours of exercise-- DONE DONE DONE. So, some days I ate well, and others I ate a bunch of crap. I still binge eat most nights-- that has been going on since about 6 months post op in some form or other. Of course a "binge" now looks WAY different than it used to pre-op (maybe a cupcake and some Cheetos as compared to three cupcakes, half a pizza, and a whole bag of Cheetos)-- but still, it has helped put weight on.

The plan: I am taking Qysmia- a medication that is supposed to help with food obsession. Just started it today-- we will see. I am meeting with the nutritionist March 3rd-- I have NEVER been vegearian-- I have NO CLUE what I am doing. More aerobic exercise-- have been doing a lot of yoga-- but not as much aerobic stuff. I am also going to meet with a psychologist recommended by the surgery center. I am not optimistic this last thing is going to help much. I have been in therapy LOTS. I have a PhD in Counseling-- I know what my issues are. I just haven't yet been able to conquer them (although, I DO feel like I am making progress in that area in general).

The FEAR: I am scared. I am scared I will slide back into obsession. I am afraid I will want to be smaller and smaller-- like before. I am afraid I will play that "how little can I get away with eating" game like I used to-- an then have it boomerang back in the form of binges. I am afraid all of the logging and tracking and all of it will lock me back into the nut ward I broke free from aabout 5 months ago.

Ambivalence--- I have a real issue with this whole "thing" around "needing" to lose weight. I am not sure what is necessary health-wise and what is just prescribed by society. I am not sure if attempting to manipulate my body shape/size with calries and exercise and all of it is even worthwhile....anyone here who remembers me will also remember this was a theme in some of my prior posts. So... the journey continues. I will be working with a nutritionist, so I have to write down what I eat-- which annoys me and scares me (see "Fear" section above) at the same time.

So, it is good to be back. I have a much busier life/job than I used to so I am not sure how much I will be able to post, but I want to offer support where I can. Blessings!