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Here's a strange one for ya
aggiepringle6665
Posts: 68 Member
Through years of counselling, I've come to a kinda weird realization. I am afraid to lose weight.
As a child, if I wasn't being ignored, I was being belittled. This continued into my young adulthood. As a result, I gained a massive amount of weight. People couldn't ignore me any more. In the process, I developed a nasty addiction to drugs and alcohol. I broke free from this at age 25, then I developed food addiction.
Now, as I am breaking free from disordered eating and losing weight, I am fearful of becoming small. Of fading away and being little and helpless again.
Irrational, yes. But there it is.
As a child, if I wasn't being ignored, I was being belittled. This continued into my young adulthood. As a result, I gained a massive amount of weight. People couldn't ignore me any more. In the process, I developed a nasty addiction to drugs and alcohol. I broke free from this at age 25, then I developed food addiction.
Now, as I am breaking free from disordered eating and losing weight, I am fearful of becoming small. Of fading away and being little and helpless again.
Irrational, yes. But there it is.
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Replies
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Hello dear! This doesn't sound strange at all. When I was gaining weight, I was binging for comfort. My new body, now 70lbs heavier, was my "fat suit" and my protection. I often am afraid of losing my protection as well. While I know it is healthy to not be as heavy and shed the excess weight, I'm not quite sure yet how I will deal with losing my "fat suit". Thanks for sharing. You aren't alone.6
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I understand, but don't know what to say that would help. You should seek professional counseling.1
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I got small and I loved it. I felt alive and proud and loved dressing up and going out.
Now I am dealing with personal growth issues, like relationships and rebuilding an empty nest alone. So, I am eating alot and am off my food plan, and it feels out of control...and definitely is all for stress relief and comfort and protection. I am regaining more weight than I want to.
I'm still going to try to get this resolved with non food stress relievers, and find some kind of stability with food; but I am also going to continue to seek the relationships that I want in my life. Why back down now, when I've come so far?
Just putting this out there because it is real and it is happening, and I want to find a way through this, not hide in shame over it or be in denial.8 -
I wish you the best1
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Has anyone heard of the program bright line? Has some of the principals of O.A.0
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I don't think that is so strange! Thanks for sharing and I wish you well on your journey to healing from those old experiences.1
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Makes sense and not strange to me. I have some similarities with your experience. I too kicked my drug and alcohol addiction (been sober/clean 32 years) but food has always been the bigger Tyrannosaurus rex on my back - eating disorder started at 14/15, disordered eating started even earlier. I didn't sleep through the night until I was 4 years old so my parents (with 2 other very young children besides me) put me in the living room in a playpen. My mom told me she would know it was a bad night when she'd awaken in the morning and find many empty bottles in the kitchen - she said she would wake up, make up m a bottle then go back to sleep...4 years this went on (I was an extremely difficult baby/child!). I feel like food is everything to me because of that & still not being an "easy person", I don't reach out or tell anyone about my struggles or know how to accept help. I tend to do things by myself/on my own but I'm thinking maybe the key to getting whole & right with food and get to a healthy weight, I have to reach out and try to connect with others. I don't know if this is the right way but I'm giving it a go.
Anyone who is interested and understands to food struggle (beyond just "liking" food), please friend me (if you're interested!) or if you know of a group or other avenue to connect, please share!4 -
How exciting that you've gained that insight!! I love when we can figure out what our subconscious mind is doing behind the scenes (so we can make real changes).1
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Hi Aggie, I don't think it's so strange, many of us have that fear of losing weight and shedding the fat suit. I've often thought if I become thin what will I use to soothe myself? Food will be gone, alcohol works but only for a little while........so maybe there's something enjoyable but not fattening? I'm all ears if anyone has ideas?1
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I have deep trust and intimacy problems due to childhood issues and physical abuse as a young woman. I turned to drugs/booze as well (clean now) but after quitting that, and being in a stressful relationship, I started eating and gained 50 lbs. Now whenever I start to lose I get very nervous and often self sabotage, as when I'm fat I feel safe. I don't allow myself to have intimate relationships, as I feel unworthy, so by using this weight excuse I can avoid intamacy.1
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