Spouse/SO, who is your support? And what does that look like to you?
RhiannonBecks
Posts: 189 Member
Hi all,
I was thinking about my TTC support system; I am not really publicly open (except here, where thousands can read, lol) about my TTC journey thus far. I don't discuss much with family, and only my two closest friends know I am actively trying. So outside of those few people, my husband is my main support.
He and I have two completely polar opposite ways of communication; though we have come so far, it was a LOT OF WORK, repeat, A LOT OF WORK to get where we are communication wise, (but totally worth it). I share most everything with him, but for whatever reason, I think I have been keeping my feelings to myself about TTC. Maybe I am afraid that I will disappoint him too, id we don't get pregnant. I realized, I don't really know what he has been feeling this past 6 months.
I talked to him briefly on lunch and told him how I was feeling somewhat alone as each month passes we don't get a BFP. He felt bad, really bad, and that wasn't my intention. I wasn't trying to blame him, but maybe tell him hey, I feel alone in this, maybe we should share more, it turned out bad. Not like, we got in a fight bad, but not at all how I imagined it.
It got me thinking about you ladies too. Who do you have in your life that you can share your triumphs, your disappointments, and your every day feelings with? Whether that is worry, anxiety etc, I am finding that TTC, while exciting, can be exhausting in the emotional roller coaster department.
Having this group has been such a world of support for me, I am glad that I found it. Now I just need to figure out what I am feeling, so I can express that to my husband more clearly.
I was thinking about my TTC support system; I am not really publicly open (except here, where thousands can read, lol) about my TTC journey thus far. I don't discuss much with family, and only my two closest friends know I am actively trying. So outside of those few people, my husband is my main support.
He and I have two completely polar opposite ways of communication; though we have come so far, it was a LOT OF WORK, repeat, A LOT OF WORK to get where we are communication wise, (but totally worth it). I share most everything with him, but for whatever reason, I think I have been keeping my feelings to myself about TTC. Maybe I am afraid that I will disappoint him too, id we don't get pregnant. I realized, I don't really know what he has been feeling this past 6 months.
I talked to him briefly on lunch and told him how I was feeling somewhat alone as each month passes we don't get a BFP. He felt bad, really bad, and that wasn't my intention. I wasn't trying to blame him, but maybe tell him hey, I feel alone in this, maybe we should share more, it turned out bad. Not like, we got in a fight bad, but not at all how I imagined it.
It got me thinking about you ladies too. Who do you have in your life that you can share your triumphs, your disappointments, and your every day feelings with? Whether that is worry, anxiety etc, I am finding that TTC, while exciting, can be exhausting in the emotional roller coaster department.
Having this group has been such a world of support for me, I am glad that I found it. Now I just need to figure out what I am feeling, so I can express that to my husband more clearly.
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Replies
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Hm. How much time do you have? Mine is complicated, but I'll keep it (kinda) brief here-and keep in mind this is a cycle 10 point of view here, so your feelings may vary.
Im a talker and communicator, and I need that to receive love. My husband is not a talker/feeley sharey/emotional person. We make it work, but when I have something that really bothers me (like this), I need another outlet rather than him.
Fortunately, my mom and sister are super close and usually great outlets for me, we talk several times a week. They both know we are trying, but they both had 2 accidental pregnancies and haven't ever "tried" to get pregnant-they have no idea how the crushing disappointment feels. Its lonely and so very difficult to listen to people who you love so much say those "helpful things" that aren't helpful at all. It was great early on to share the excitement with them...but at this point we dont talk about it much, there is no more excitement. Its helpful that when I have a hard day and dont want to talk, or just need to be left alone-they know why without me saying the words.
This community and the reddit community are the best outlets Ive found. Male partners dont feel the same way at the same time that we do about ttc because they are wired differently. My husband doesnt know what it feels like to be thinking aobut getting pregnant all day every day. Temping, opks, cm, looking at my chart, feeling my boobs, was that ovulation pain or gas pain? All day. Everyday. He can remove himself from it and I cant. This doesnt make him or any other male partner bad or disconnected or mean. It means it's different for them.
Im thrilled that you found this group, and all of us to share with. Big hugs to you, you arent alone in this
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I second everything Kirstie said, both about DH support and online support. My husband tries to be supportive but it’s just different for him. I’ll give him periodic updates on my chart and share my frustration with him from time to time, but I think his attitude is actually helpful to me for two reasons: 1) he has maintained optimism while I have been feeling sad and hopeless and 2) his lack of obsession makes me purposely seek out other things to think and learn about so I am not so single-minded 100% of the time. I get annoyed at his lack of knowledge of how BBT works, but I know he is trying to be supportive in his own way.
We’re here for you. Just keep reaching out to us! *Hugs*1 -
I agree with Kirstie and pezhed. My husband is wonderful and really tries, but he just isn't always the kind of support I need. My mom and I are super close but she has no boundaries and I find myself increasingly needing some which is leading to me confiding in her less. I have a really good friend/coworker who I can to about anything and she is exactly what I need.
I also rely hugely on online communities, primarily this one and Reddit. As absent as I was here during most of my pregnancy, I was still on Reddit a lot. I love this community here and value it much more dearly, but there is so much more emotional investment to logging in here versus Reddit which I could peruse and participate as heavily or casually as desired without feeling guilty about not logging food, gaining weight, not exercising, etc. I also admittedly still have some feelings in regards to this community about maybe not belonging here since getting pregnant pregnant. All of you ladies are wonderful and it is absolutely nothing that anyone has said. But I just tend to think that maybe a bunch of ladies who are TTC or going to be TTC don't want to hear about my pregnancy and experiences with a baby. Reddit of course has something for everyone but of course is much less personal.
I would say we have a wonderful community here and to rely on these ladies as much as you need to.0 -
I also admittedly still have some feelings in regards to this community about maybe not belonging here since getting pregnant pregnant. All of you ladies are wonderful and it is absolutely nothing that anyone has said. But I just tend to think that maybe a bunch of ladies who are TTC or going to be TTC don't want to hear about my pregnancy and experiences with a baby.
Sorry I'm late to reply but you absolutely do belong here. Although the title of the group is planning for pregnancy, this group has basically become a one stop shop and as you said has become it's own little community and you are one of the long time members!*** This is also why we have different threads (TTC, Pregnancy, Postpartum chat and you can always add another topic/discussion if those don't suit you) so that if one doesn't want to read about those things, they don't have to. There are some exceptions like in the check in thread where it can kinda be a catch all. I, for one, find the insight and experiences shared here whether about ttc/pregnancy/birth/postpartum to be invaluable!
***I do get where you're coming from though as I'm one of the few active members who isn't pregnant/trying to get pregnant and haven't had a baby.0 -
Puffbrat stay! I love reading about your journey and those of our current preggos. It would suck if everyone left as soon as they got pregnant or had a baby (I'd be here all alone with my dusty old uterus) sometimes I'm not in the mood because I'm having a hard time with a new bfn or cycle but I always come back to comment when I'm feeling better.0
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@puffbrat I agree with everyone else, please stay! It is nice to see a different perspective, sometimes when you are feeling down about TTC, and you see someone walking through the other side of the journey, it can give hope & a different point of view that is sometimes hard to see otherwise!0
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Thanks ladies! It's so nice to hear you all say that. Even though I have been largely absent this year, this community is still a rock for me and I love being able to come back and read what is going on in all your lives and share my own experiences. 1
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The only people who knew were my husband, one friend who I work with who I leaned on once during a rough work situation and you guys. I didn't feel comfortable with more people knowing because I would have felt way more pressure. I get stressed easily. I might tell my sister next time.
Also... once you're pregnant everyone and their dog is talking to you about it. It gets really old really fast, especially from coworkers you don't know well (I liked talking about it with my family but they didn't go overboard since it's the 5th grandchild/nephew type). So for me TTC and first trimester were a nice quiet time.0 -
Thanks ladies! It's so nice to hear you all say that. Even though I have been largely absent this year, this community is still a rock for me and I love being able to come back and read what is going on in all your lives and share my own experiences.
I think I needed to read all those replies too. I wasn't sure how everyone felt!0 -
Hey, jumping on this late. But my support group consists of:
1) Josh, my husband. As newlyweds, we've been on a journey of learning to support each other. It has its ups and downs, and even fights, but I'm really grateful for his love and continual efforts to make everything work.
2) My parents and brother. They are solid as a rock. We often stress each other out, and disagree, but in the end, we're there for each other financially and time commitment wise, and with words of encouragement.
3) My church family: I don't tell them a lot of personal details, but they are always praying for us, cheering us on; and sometimes they slip us envelopes of cash or buy us presents just as an "I love you." They are totally baby crazy.
4) You ladies! I feel like I can tell you sisters the nitty gritty without embarrassment or shame. I feel like we're all working through the same issues together, and that makes me feel less alone.
5) I have some friends around my age bracket who live in town, but we're not as close-knit as we used to be since so many have moved away. They are supportive. I just don't see them much.
Anyway, I feel very blessed to have all these surrounding me. I'm very thankful for everyone.0
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