This is not my first MFP ride, I had great success when I first tried it out in 2013(ish), I lost about 50 pounds and was 'this' close to being under 200 pounds. Then one day I stopped tracking. No reason. It isn't like I thought I've got this and don't need to anymore, or that I thought it was too hard. I just stopped. Bad call. After that I tried now and then half hardheartedly; I'd have a good 2-3 weeks then a bad couple weeks (did everything 'right' and did not lose - at my size that's inconceivable). So I quit.

Of course I dieted before MFP. Did Weight Watchers in the late 90s. I remember being horrified at weigh in - I was 204 pounds. Boy wouldn't I love that today. Though I did have success the approach was annoying (I'm a CICO person, why would I convert food labels to 'points' and the meetings became tedious as people traded 'tricks' on how to eat more and be in their points. I did learn quite a lot though, I learned how amazing fiber is which I'm grateful for but gained back so much more weight than I lost. Then I had a big weight training binge about a decade ago and lost weight but even better put on tons of muscle....weighed 180 but was a size 14 (almost a 12) which taught me how the scale can lie, in the past I was a size 14 but was much lighter on the scale. That muscle weighs more than fat but takes up less room was awesome news! But I had trouble with the food part - it was so structured and rigid and when I got hurt I found another excuse to quit. Because muscle burns more calories (I was eating 2200 calories a day and losing size!) it took a few years to atrophy and gain back the weight. But I did. Which is what got me to MFP in 2013 like I already mentioned.

I suffer from severe anxiety and believe depression. I have tried therapy and had horrifying results (there is a case open with my State to investigate the incident). I will not go back. I know losing weight will not be a magic bullet but I also know how much differently I feel about myself and my reduced fear of humans when I'm smaller. When I was doing MFP in 2013 I was in a group for larger folks and it was a positive aspect for a while before it became a *kitten* show. The organizers/leaders/whatever were tyrannical and judgmental and it was very clicky. I see the group is still there but I am keeping clear.

I don't have a support system. The only family member that had my back passed a while ago. The rest are quite mean, not just unsupportive but actually mean. I've never had an interaction with them where I wasn't picked on or made the butt of the joke. I have had to walk away from them and have had no contact in a few years. Around that time I got divorced and my 'friends' disappeared. I have nobody to interact with outside of when I go to work and even then I'm orbiting other people. I have nice chats now and then but that's about it. I'm extremely private and shy and introverted, I mentioned the anxiety already. It's devastatingly lonely. I exist. I don't live.

So I don't have friends, I don't have family, I have just myself. And I had food.

I cannot help shake the belief that if I don't get my food issues and physical size settled before I'm 50 that I never will. Plus I have to eventually have some surgery to get mobility back (hard to walk at all, cannot do exercising). Losing the weight will help the surgery be successful and the recovery more bearable.

For whatever reason I joined on September 8th. At around the same weight I've joined before, I guess I have an internal point where my brain says please stop? So on Sunday September 8th at 256 pounds I set off on yet another journey. After 7 weeks I weighed in today at 236.4.

Will this be different? I don't know. I hope so.

I've lurked here the last couple of weeks and what I like about this group is there isn't a 'rah rah' automatic response. You all seem to be thoughtful and kind but still honest. I like that. I think you get a gold star for getting through this though. Thanks for 'listening'.