Thanks for posting this!

I am just "coming out" as a binge eater and I must say that your post has really opened my eyes.

Thank you for posting!

I can relate to this. I went through it last night. I promised myself I wouldn't. I thought maybe I'd just get something small to eat. I didn't want to deprive myself after all. Then once I started I simply couldn't stop. I ate and ate until I felt physically ill I went to sleep feeling so gross last night. It gets to the point where I don't even enjoy what I'm eating anymore. So I wonder the next day why I let it get that far?

Ugh, if you add more pizza to that blog you have me in a nutshell...

Step One: The Urge,
has got to be the most honest and hardest part of having BED. Sometimes it feels like it will never matter how long you go without binging, that stupid urge just never goes away. You fight it off for minutes, hours, days, even maybe weeks in your life... but always make up for it in the long run.

Does the urge ever go away?

Thanks for posting. It's comforting to know I am not always fighting this monkey on my back alone.

I used to be a binge-eater. I did television presenting way back (22 years ago) and at some point simply stopped eating. (And yes – I met a friend, a co-worker who lived in the same apartment building a floor above me, who taught me the ropes, so to speak.)

I lived on a tablespoon of dry oats per day (for the fiber) and a can of 'Appletizer' – for the calorie content! And if really hungry once in a while, I would have an asparagus or two or MAYBE a granny smith apple. But my brother caught on during a holiday I spent with him at his college campus, so he made me sit down and eat. Which I did. And so the binge-eating started.

At first it was very controlled and really few and far between. I'd go out with friends and would be 'forced' to share a slice of pizza because I couldn't make up a good enough excuse not to (and to avoid them being 'concerned').

Then I would quietly go into the bathroom, let the tap water run and get it out again. Problem solved.

But the problem seemed to just escalate from thereon. Much like someone smoking a cigarette for the first time, I would imagine. From that very first puff the addiction starts, whether you realize it or not. Another interesting little aside that I remember is that, at the time my bulimia started to really ‘take off’, Lady Diana ‘came out’ that she had a binge eating problem and, for some reason, that made me feel that it was ‘OK’ somehow.

For me it was never really about weight-loss or being thin. I've always been quite slim and 'health conscious'. I was always in the ‘popular’ group at school, had a happy childhood, great home life … So, not getting into reasons why it happened, it took on a very sinister persona for me. It was something I could literally feel approaching and come over me – like a black cloud (the 'URGE' you're talking about in your blog.)

And yes, when it came, there was very little I could do about it. I would even put myself in compromising situations where I ran the risk of being 'found-out' but I simply couldn't control it.

Mine was bad also. I would eat a 2 l tub of ice cream, then finish a liter of yoghurt, a whole tin of granola, sometimes a loaf of bread, but this only when there was nothing else because bread was so difficult to purge and it made me feel really sick afterwards. Peanut butter, jelly powder, cake icing mixed in a bowl with butter and cocoa, dry hot chocolate (Milo) powder ... whatever was at hand. And yes – bags of crisps, slabs of chocolate… rusks, cookies, nuts…

I can't really say that it made me feel good (euphoric) or that it was a mindless experience – such that I wouldn't remember the next day. For me it was more like an 'out of body' experience. I felt very methodical throughout the episode and thought about everything I ate. I thought about how I would explain the missing items, or get rid of the evidence. I would think about how I was wasting 'tons' of food while people go hungry around the world. I would be making my plans on where and how I would get rid of it. In the shower mostly if I happened to be at my parents’ because then they wouldn't hear me and I would be clean and showered when the deed was done and the evidence would be washed away down the drain.

And the trigger…For me it could be an upsetting phone-call, a fall-out with my husband, or when he had to be away on business. But thinking about it now – it was always stress related. Fear, anger, depression, loneliness, boredom, hunger. And no matter how much I would fight it and hate myself for it – it was like something other than myself just pushed me along, made the plans, took over while marveling at how pathetic I looked sitting there – on the floor sometimes – with the bowl of whatever between my knees.

And the shame and self-hate was excruciating.

i completely relate to this.

the urge - for me i see a food. i think... well, maybe i can just have this and it won't totally ruin my day... just this one thing, come on... i've been so good. it will be fine.

giving in - ok i'll have it but that's it. will stop after this one thing. then i have it. it's not enough. it's not what i built it up to be. at the worst feeling yet, it's gone already. need more... need more... no matter how many, it's not enough. maybe if i switch to another food... yeah, maybe that's what i want... no it's not, need something else... and on and on... anything i've been passing by and "denying" myself is fair game. sometimes i'll even eat a "good" thing in there to make it feel less bad.

after - uncomfortably full, stuffed. not any room left. dont' even know if i can exercise b/c i'm so full. but i know i have to exercise. because i can't let myself "get away" with this...

yes, i can so relate... i am left at the end feeling "why did i even pick it up"... it's a lot like drugs and alcohol, honestly. the lack of control, the thought, the craving, then the binge... really very similar. i think that's why Overeaters anonymous is modeled after the same thing as AA.