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Relapsing

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littlemili
littlemili Posts: 625 Member
in Social Groups
I think I may be either relapsing or slipping from straight-up restricting to some horrible mix of starve-binge-purge with chew-and-spit thrown in. After months of restricting, I binged 3-4 times over a couple of weeks (binge-starve basically), then I realised I could get the same calories just by eating 1000 a day, tried to eat at maintainance or to gain a little and that has freaked me out big time so now I'm chew-and-spitting a ton, binge-purging because my body can't deal with the food being taken away again, and starving myself the rest of the time, albeit quite unsuccessfully.

Please, please help. I have no idea what's going on and I'm kind of enjoying letting ED take control. I failed the college year today too and I have a horrible feeling ED is just going to destroy anything left of the real me. Already I don't really think I want to recover. I want to lose weight again and I'm really risking my heart health by doing this. I really need advice...

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  • HoopFire5602
    HoopFire5602 Posts: 423 Member
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    God I wish I could be there to support you. :( We both need it right now. What happened with the inpatient treatment you were doing, the daycare? Maybe you really need to admit yourself into the hospital again. I don't want you to die....please do something....I need you.
  • littlemili
    littlemili Posts: 625 Member
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    I never went to daycare, they decided I have to try outpatient for longer first. They don't really take my opinion into account when they decide what treatment to give me.
  • PoleBoy
    PoleBoy Posts: 271
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    Try to remember all of those really good reasons you want to recover.
  • thinkingthingirl
    thinkingthingirl Posts: 153 Member
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    Oh babe im so sorry to hear that your struggling again. I know what its like with the control thing, How about you make a list of the reasons why you want to recover. Have u told someone at home like friends or family that u think ur relapsing? Massive hugs. Stay strong you can do this.
  • cowlover22
    cowlover22 Posts: 309 Member
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    So where are you at with things now? Any better? Let me know.It has been a couple days since your post.
  • littlemili
    littlemili Posts: 625 Member
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    I guess I am in a muddle. After the last month where I binged, tried to gain weight and had the odd starve day, I gained only 0.1kg. I was SO CERTAIN I had gained. Now I'm just confused bc my self-perception must be waaaaay off. Not going to lie - I'm not in a good state of mind, but I am making myself be consistent with my eating at least, to try and find some normality. The hospital have kind of given me an ultimatum. If I lose weight over the Xmas holiday, they will call in my parents and require me to be removed from all commitments so I can be IP as and when necessary. They want me to take a year out of college now :( It kind of makes the relapse thoughts worse, bc if they take away everything that matters, I may as well let ED have free reign since there is nothing left to lose.

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