I'm not looking to date yet- I'm fairly fresh out of a 13 year relationship and am not yet the kind of girl the man I want would want to be with (But I'm getting there!) but as I've considered my new circumstance as a single mom, there are some things I've realized about myself and what I want when the time comes to date again.

When I jump back into the ring, my kids are not coming with me! Yes, I am a mother and being a good one is one of my main goals in life, but they are not my WHOLE life. When I am with them, it is 24/7, as it should be. It's what I signed up for and the greatest calling of my life but even with sole custody, there are times they are with their dad or at school and those times are MINE.

My kids don't need to even know I'm dating. They don't need a new man to come play daddy or interfere with the remaining stability of their home life. They don't need to feel like they have to compete with someone for my time and attention. When it comes to them, I am their mom. Occasional evenings and weekends- I'm not the mom! That's when I'll look for fun and companionship.

I'm not pursuing anything serious until my kids are of age when I have taught them well enough to be independent, hard working adults who don't need their mommy to hold their hands every second of every day. - so help me, there will be no basement dwellers living at home with me playing video games!- I hope to have some exhilarating experiences in the meantime, meet a good man and hopefully have a wonderful, fulfilling long term relationship again. But that time is not now.

I hope that this ambitiously uncomplicated arrangement will work with some good men out there who are looking for casual dating and companionship. I'm not actively pursuing a relationship, nor do intend to at this stage in the game. I believe the right people will come along at the right times, I just need to be open and aware of those opportunities. Maybe at the gym, or at the park, or someone who lives in my complex who will help me jumpstart my car one day? I don't know. Maybe it's naive but I really think that God has a plan for me and will put the right man in my path when the time is right.

I'm sorry about your frustration. I hate how single moms can be dismissed as second class citizens, especially as friends and potential companions. You are amazing, I'm sure, and I hope a guy smart enough to see that will come into your life soon to be what you need him to be.

I'm new to the group so, I hope you don't mind me posting a response. I have been dating for the last few months. I'm just starting out really. My husband died a few years ago. I can relate because some men assume that I am trying to replace my husband and find father for my son. This is simply not the case. In fact, he just can't be replaced! I don't want to replace him, I want something completely different from anything I've ever had because I have grown so much through my loss. I am a different person now! I have encountered many men that have no direction in life, no goals, and really just want to be taken care of. In this time, I have met many other single women who are quite capable of managing their families and are doing quite well. It is a shame that people in general assume these things about single mothers.

When I put myself out there, I make it very clear that I am living a good life despite what happened with my husband and I am looking for someone to share that with. I always state that I am not in a rush. I think making these things clear helps but, only investing the time to really know someone makes those things apparent. If someone truly takes the time to get to know you, then they will discover these things about you. If they are assuming these things, then, are they really worth it? It is a tremendous gift to be a parent and you want the very best for your children. So, my advice is to take your time. I also don't really discuss my son or let anyone meet him. It will take a special person for that. I have seen some of my friends use their children to win the hearts of whoever they are dating, so maybe some men are being cautious of that. (Not that you are doing that!) Although, I haven't met anyone serious yet, I have met some really good men that have taken the time to get to know me. I have made a promise to my son that I will not let anyone into our lives that is not the very best. That may mean that I have to wait a long time but, I am willing to do that for us. I hope you will find what you are looking for and you all deserve the very best!
Stefanie

I have been single since before my son was born. People automatically wonder where I went wrong in my life even though I am 30 (my son is 2) and I was married to his father. I think people do freak out about kids in the mix because no one wants to have a relationship - just sex. It is really not cool woth me because my first priority is being a good mother and role model. I can't just have anyone in my life or bring just anyone around him. I have to work doubly hard to impress upon him what a good relationship is and what kind of people to have around (platonically and romantically). Anyway, I feel your pain but I figure if a man is concerned about my son and decides he doesn't want to get involved in that, he isn't fully grown yet. You'll find one who will love you and your children which will be better than any of those losers who decided you weren't good enough for them. Really, as I see it, they aren't good enough for you or your kids so all the better to not give it a second thought.

Not all guys are that way, the ones that were hurt in the past are very guarded. They don't want to be hurt again. I guess I'm talking about me. I was married for 17 years right out of high school. I never cheated or even thought about it because I didn't want to hurt my family. I thought she was the one I would rock the grand kids with on the front porch. I thought she was soul mate. I worked my tail off, didn't do drugs, did housework, never told her no, never saw my paycheck, anything she wanted I would do.

She contracted GBS and spent a long time(4 months) in ICU and 2 months of rehab, I did it all while she was fighting this. I took care of the kids, bills, worked and still went to the hospital to be with her. When she finally came out things changed. She had an affair and I said I would let it go if she wanted to make it work. She drug it out 2 more years like she was waiting for some body to take her away and take care of her.

So she found some one remarried 1 month after we divorced. Broke the kid's hearts. I kept my mouth shut the whole time. Took my anti-depressants and other meds that would knock a horse out. Daughter said daddy you gotta come out of this, we need you back.

Long story I know, my thinking is, my kids keep me busy enough and happy. I'm not looking for love, I was hurt bad enough that I feel there isn't a soul mate for me. If love finds me then I'm okay with it. Being a single parent is a struggle when the X doesn't help in anyway too. But as long as I can have fun with my kids and they love me then I'm happy. Also everybody has baggage that some people aren't willing to take on because of their own problems are too great.

I wish you the best in all your goals, keep fighting single mom you're not alone.