because deep down we are the same people we were

Thinking more about this...we were the same people a year ago -- yet we weren't. The weight was there, yes...but in my opinion it was a tangible representation of the unhappiness that we both had in our lives. It was a physical representation that we had work to do -- not only on the outside, but on the inside as well. So even though we essentially are the same now as we were then, we're MUCH stronger and wiser having made it through our respective personal struggles.

how things have worked out for you both!! :drinker:

Me, I've always been big, fat, overweight etc and as a result, not dated very much. Not many guys want a fat girl as a girlfriend. The guys that have approached me, think because I'm fat, I'm desperate for sex and they think they're doing me a favour by offering a quick shag/one night stand. Yes that' really is attitude I get from them.

If I am interested in a guy, I try very hard not to show it, any time I have, you've never seen anyone move so fast to get away. So I learned my lessons. Whether things change when I lose the excess baggage remains to be seen.

<--- this is me and my hubby two years ago, I loved him when he was less over weight when we got married, and now that he is even bigger as in the pic.
I see him for so much more than what he is on the outside and he means more to me as my husband and my love than the way he looks could ever mean to me.

If you tend to make superficial judgements about a person based on appearance, these will often be biased or incorrect and so perhaps the opportunity to find out if attraction may develop with friendship may be missed. But there will be some people for whom you will never feel that kind of attraction, no matter how compatible you are. I have male friends I love but am not attracted to. It isn't an issue of fairness. Making an unjustified negative evaluation about someone because of their weight is discriminatory, not fancying them isn't.

Personally I think people have a range of what they may find attractive. At one end are the instant attractions, at the other the never in a million years. Many are in the middle, not instant hits but with emotional closeness things could develop. For some the range is huge, for others very narrow.

Although many may agree about constitutes general attractiveness, it's also true that people vary so much in what they like and in how much particular features matter to them in the mix with other things that they value. For some, weight is a deal breaker, for others it's not that big a deal. I'm lucky in that I've always been comfortable in my own skin and I'm sure that's why, when I've been looking, I've been able to find guys I like who also like me, despite the fact that I tend to be most attracted to guys who are the total opposite to me (tall and thin). Confidence and happiness are attractive qualities, no matter what your weight. In my view it's lack of confidence that holds people back from finding a mate, rather than what they actually look like. Getting thinner is one way of gaining confidence and self acceptance, but it's not the only one.

I totally agree that once you love someone it doesn't matter if their looks change. That's why people who stay together still see the person they met in the person they have grown old with. Love is all about idealisation and seeing what is special and unique in the other person.

I think that people who aren't shallow are the exception, not the norm.

This sentiment is so sad but true. It's also exactly why I think I'd prefer to meet someone through MFP than another route (at least right now) because if nothing else, at least they would understand where I was coming from with the weight issues.

Seeing as I've always had a weight problem, I dont really look at any man and see their weight. Having said that, I think someone unable to participate in an active lifestyle with me, would be a problem. So I guess its more about having vigour and zest, rather than weight per se! :bigsmile: