Strategies and tips to get out from Anorexia nervosa
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PercivalHackworth
Posts: 1,437 Member
Hello,
I thought it could be an interesting idea to share our experience regarding the ED. The point is to help people in less advanced stages to move on, and not to lock themselves ad vitam eternam into it. And this can happen way more faster that you'd ever notice. Few weeks can do the difference between the one who will be able to recover andthe one who will be too weak to even think by himself.
My ED started in 2009, (I'll spare the pathos), but 3 years were necessary for me to notice I had one actually. The weight followed two tendencies :
From 195 lbs to 167 lbs - not any real noticing on a daily basis, I was just happy to lose you know
From 167 to 134 lbs - hardcore ED, the real ****
Basically, what was interesting to notice is that figures are a trap, we never *stop* when we reach a figure, we always want less (this is where the ED kicks actually) - you lose any piece of objectivity regarding your health, you just want to be as light as hell. (technically, not light, but remove any part of fat that you might see - since the scale is the only indicator we trust....)
So we eat less, and we sweat more, we turn obsessed and we lose all our friends because we refuse all the parties and any social moment that involve food (I can tell how much parties I've missed because I feared beer for it's calories, or the restaurants, the parties that involve peanuts, etc...)
Even worse, the appareance is a trigger (we are ashamed about our chubby body) but quickly fades away : we don't give a care about our appareance, that is the weight loss that matters (even today I can't show my body in public while it's a total different one).
There comes the setpoint, on which we play the tight-rope walkers : keeping that way of living can drive us nuts and too weak, or having a *click* that gets us out of there.
I know two people, two tight-rope walkers like us who felt from the rope : the first one is now in an hospital, being too weak for living in the outside world (she can't work, can't eat more than vegies and apples, etc..) one another who now weights around 56 lbs, not even able to walk.
Again, I'll spare you the pathos.
Actually when I met the first one, I've been able to project myself into her (we used to eat the same meals, and had the same fear towards food), and that scares the **** out of me, I told myself : "few lbs left, few extra missed restaurants, and voila, embrace Hell.." I had before that already the willing to work my *kitten* off, she just boosted it
Here are the things that helped me :
Strength training :
My cardio was making me more and more weak, while when I started to lose all my bodyfat, i thought I could look hotter with some red meat on that, so I just bought two small weights, and started to use them the way I could. Even if by that time I was still obsessed by weight, I wanted to lose weight BUT put muscles on me so I pushed and pushed...
... thanks to some precious folks here, I started to learn how body works, and started to figure that I was in the middle of something : I couldn't eat like a rabbit, train hard, and gain muscle.
Food as energy :
A peep here through his words helped me to understand that food is only energy - comes in - goes out. No more. For that part, unfortunately I can't help you, you already know that; but you need to experience it, to FEEL it in order to go over the fear. I needed to push like a pig, to understand I was low on fuel, and if I wanted hot muscles, I needed to eat.
One night (8 weeks ago) I said : ok ****, let's put some carbs here, I'm getting tired of working like a champ, but ruining weeks of work cuz of that. So I started to eat : 1300 -> 1500 -> 1750 -> 2000 -> 2500 -> 2800 -> 2900 -> 3000 -> 3200 today
I *knew* my body wouldn't store this food as fat, again, I needed to go through a serie of experiences to move on.
Body as Beast :
Seeing my body as a beast helped me, I 'm thinking about some mythical beast that breaths fire and who's higher the temperature all around it. Everytime I eat , the food gets instantly consumed by all the training I do
Today :
It is not over, I still *suffer* from orthorexia, but it's nothing at all, since eh, at least I eat well. It's slowly moving out, but today I'm far from falling from the rope :-)
What about you ?
I thought it could be an interesting idea to share our experience regarding the ED. The point is to help people in less advanced stages to move on, and not to lock themselves ad vitam eternam into it. And this can happen way more faster that you'd ever notice. Few weeks can do the difference between the one who will be able to recover andthe one who will be too weak to even think by himself.
My ED started in 2009, (I'll spare the pathos), but 3 years were necessary for me to notice I had one actually. The weight followed two tendencies :
From 195 lbs to 167 lbs - not any real noticing on a daily basis, I was just happy to lose you know
From 167 to 134 lbs - hardcore ED, the real ****
Basically, what was interesting to notice is that figures are a trap, we never *stop* when we reach a figure, we always want less (this is where the ED kicks actually) - you lose any piece of objectivity regarding your health, you just want to be as light as hell. (technically, not light, but remove any part of fat that you might see - since the scale is the only indicator we trust....)
So we eat less, and we sweat more, we turn obsessed and we lose all our friends because we refuse all the parties and any social moment that involve food (I can tell how much parties I've missed because I feared beer for it's calories, or the restaurants, the parties that involve peanuts, etc...)
Even worse, the appareance is a trigger (we are ashamed about our chubby body) but quickly fades away : we don't give a care about our appareance, that is the weight loss that matters (even today I can't show my body in public while it's a total different one).
There comes the setpoint, on which we play the tight-rope walkers : keeping that way of living can drive us nuts and too weak, or having a *click* that gets us out of there.
I know two people, two tight-rope walkers like us who felt from the rope : the first one is now in an hospital, being too weak for living in the outside world (she can't work, can't eat more than vegies and apples, etc..) one another who now weights around 56 lbs, not even able to walk.
Again, I'll spare you the pathos.
Actually when I met the first one, I've been able to project myself into her (we used to eat the same meals, and had the same fear towards food), and that scares the **** out of me, I told myself : "few lbs left, few extra missed restaurants, and voila, embrace Hell.." I had before that already the willing to work my *kitten* off, she just boosted it
Here are the things that helped me :
Strength training :
My cardio was making me more and more weak, while when I started to lose all my bodyfat, i thought I could look hotter with some red meat on that, so I just bought two small weights, and started to use them the way I could. Even if by that time I was still obsessed by weight, I wanted to lose weight BUT put muscles on me
so I pushed and pushed...... thanks to some precious folks here, I started to learn how body works, and started to figure that I was in the middle of something : I couldn't eat like a rabbit, train hard, and gain muscle.
Food as energy :
A peep here through his words helped me to understand that food is only energy - comes in - goes out. No more. For that part, unfortunately I can't help you, you already know that; but you need to experience it, to FEEL it in order to go over the fear. I needed to push like a pig, to understand I was low on fuel, and if I wanted hot muscles, I needed to eat.
One night (8 weeks ago) I said : ok ****, let's put some carbs here, I'm getting tired of working like a champ, but ruining weeks of work cuz of that. So I started to eat : 1300 -> 1500 -> 1750 -> 2000 -> 2500 -> 2800 -> 2900 -> 3000 -> 3200 today
I *knew* my body wouldn't store this food as fat, again, I needed to go through a serie of experiences to move on.
Body as Beast :
Seeing my body as a beast helped me, I 'm thinking about some mythical beast that breaths fire and who's higher the temperature all around it. Everytime I eat , the food gets instantly consumed by all the training I do
Today :
It is not over, I still *suffer* from orthorexia, but it's nothing at all, since eh, at least I eat well. It's slowly moving out, but today I'm far from falling from the rope :-)
What about you ?
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One another note about binges.
I had some, but i used to be all emo about them ("oh now my abs are fading away") - my friend wasn't even able to face them, everytime she binged, she used to go bed after that.
The more you cultivate this weird relation of fear towards binges, the worst it goes : binges gets bigger, and you fear them even more.
I decided one day that after everybinge, I'd allow myself 2 minutes for thinking about why I binged, sometimes it's just because I had an argument with a colleague, sometimes I was just pissed, etc...
By facing them everytime, I was only noticing one thing :
while the depravation comes in one way, it's antagonist expression comes in one another. Being hungry all the time means fatally a binge will come.
I noticed the stuff I was binging on were the things I wasn't eating on a daily basis, or not enough (gingerbread, candies, lotta fruits, bread, etc..) By putting them in my daily diet, I don't need to binge
I said yesterday to a friend here "Binges are cool, they remind us we are not robots"0 -
As always you are awesome and motivating. For me I had binge ED from age 6-14 and anorexia from 14-19 so I have been disordered most of my life. Been to treatment 8 times now and knew this time I needed to recovery on my own. This past time around though it has been a detriment to my health and weight (at my lowest with preety bad lab numbers). Here's is what's helping me break free.
Fear Foods
I knew there were foods I was scared of....literally couldn't even think of putting them in my body. Made a list almost a year ago today and there were around 250 on it. I am proud to say the list is now down to 40 and getting shorter every day I have begun to see (through the help of MFP) that any food can fit into a balanced diet (aka my intake goals). It has been a freeing experience.
Calorie break
So I was raised told that women under NO circumstances should eat more than 1500 calories a day. If you didn't exercise you shouldn't eat more than 1200 calories a day. With the help of my awesome support of MFP, family, and my kick*** nutritionist I have worked to break this curse and gone from 1200-->1500-->1700-->1800-->2050 (this was the scariest)-->2250-->2500 today. It's been really freeing as well.
More than a number
Sure it is cliche, but I have had to start to realize I am more than a number. That by limiting myself to only being a number I am letting all those people in my past who tormented me because of my weight and size win and I refuse to do that. I have tried to discover something new I like about myself every day. I have tried to redefine my identity to something other than Jessica the Anorexic, or Jess the Skinny One in the Family. I am more than a weight, and sure as hell more than an eating disorder.
Plan ahead
To ensure I meet my goals I try to plan my days in advance. That way there are no excuses and I can plan out when I eat so I am not stuck at the end of the day with the excuse that I am too tired to eat my remaining calories. Now that I am used to the intake I would start to just plan my meals in advanced.
Make goals and rewards
For me I have had to make non-weight goals (running a 5K, being able to ride a roller coaster, being able to donate bone marrow if I am a match, etc) that remind me what I am striving for. Also, in order to get out of my rutt of desiring to lose instead of gain weight I have had to make rewards for the gains (2lbs--Lion King II DVD (my fav movie ever lol), 10lbs---six flags trip (will be when I can safely ride a roller coaster), and so on)
Plus, having the one and only Raz as a fried hasn't hurt either
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Thanks a ton for your participation Jess - my fav. tight-rope walker
I like the idea of the rewards, I never been able to do such, it's a great idea actually
Regarding the number, I definitely agree :
I made few months ago an experiment : instead of scaling myself everyday, I did it like 8 times in the day. I noticed the weight fluctuation :
+2 lbs, -1 lb, -1,5 lb, +3 lb
That helped me quit the everyday scaling, there was no logical stuff here : if drinking a coffee would make me gain 1 lb and a big meal would make me gain a bit loss, wtf ?. (I think that is what you are still working on Jess ? ) - rather I used the mirror. I only do weekly checks to make sure I don't gain too quick, but that's it.
You Fear Fat, so be it
That is the thing that help me to go continue the strength training. I used to believe having muscles would mean first gaining fat. I discovered a new protocol 8 weeks ago that would allow me to gain muscle and preserve my body fat. I see it as a challenge you know : I'm doing my best to put muscle and not gaining fat. seeing it as a challenge is fantastic, I love that
Jess, the list is something amazing, as my orthorexia goes, it's the other way : I can't eat anything if I haven't identified it before (check the calories, and the macros before even consider eating it). But it's no biggie 0 -
Jess, the list is something amazing, as my orthorexia goes, it's the other way : I can't eat anything if I haven't identified it before (check the calories, and the macros before even consider eating it). But it's no biggie
That's preety much how I was too, but I am a walking nutrition fact guide, so I know the facts of most everything and that's why they are scary. Then I learned they really don't change your body any more than anything else. There are a few foods I have tried and am still afraid of, but I will just keep working till I can eat them 0 -
Knowledge is power :-)0
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Okay so here you go Razique, as you requested... This is my story:
This is difficult to express, I don’t know how to start. I guess everything you stated is exactly what I’ve been going through and still am. I am an under-eater, I feel like I am in control when I am able to starve myself, it gives a thrill and makes me feel good about myself. Food however is like poison to me, I believe it will make me fat and it is the enemy. When I eat, I have this horrible feeling of guilt and feel extremely fat. This causes me to want to purge badly. Although I do not particularly like purging, the after feeling was great when the food is gone from inside of me. I consider anything over 1000 calories a binge because it is 4 digits which is very large to me. However, this is something I do NOT want to feel, I want to have a normal relationship with food like everyone else and not fear food. I cannot enjoy it like others, I absolutely despite eating. For anyone reading, please please do not starve yourself or purge because I find that once I began, it is very very difficult to stop.
I first ever starved myself when I was around 10 years old (2005). I took one look in the mirror and hated what I saw. That is when I started saying no to food. I would eat absolutely nothing, 0 calories a day and I began to get very sick. Soon after, I got a dangerous flu which put me at an almost fatal situation. I don’t remember much though because I was much too weak to see what was going on, I was put in the hospital for a very long time and was given blood. Soon after I gained back the weight that I lost (I don’t remember how much I lost but it was many kilos in a short amount of time). I started to resume to a normal life again without any of these past complications until 2008 (13/14 years old) when my older brother moved to London (I’m in Australia). I started to diet again and I didn’t eat 0 calories but I was certainly eating under 1000 calories, I again lost some weight but I gained it back when my family started force-feeding me.
I’m currently in Year 12 (last year of high school) in Australia and this battle has once again resumed from the end of last year. I consider myself fat and my goal weight is to be underweight. I want to be extremely light, as light as I can possibly go. Although my bones already stick out, I want it to be even more prominent. They are especially prominent when I have no food inside me and so I like to starve myself. It makes me feel skinnier. When I have something (food) inside me, it feels unnatural like it doesn’t belong there. I feel like I’m too fat to deserve food and it is not a necessity to me. There are others in the world that values it more. So my current situation is that I am eating around 600 calories a day, although there as some days where I’d go as low as 200 and as high as 800. I weigh myself several times a day. I have joined MFP this month, I used to have an account before where I was still battling these thoughts and eating very little. But I started to improve and in a couple of months I reached 1000 calories, I was doing very well but it didn’t last. I couldn’t handle the guilt that I felt when I ate and so it went back down again. I deleted the account because I thought it might help me from my obsession on wanting to lose weight and calorie counting. It did help because I started restoring relationships that had fallen apart and I started realising that I have neglected my education. I began to eat more and healthier but once again, I couldn’t handle it and this is when I was introduced purging. I wouldn’t always purge though, I’d sometimes chew food and spit it out so it wouldn’t actually go inside me.
Right now what am I doing? I’m increasing my calories bit by bit and although it’s a struggle, I am going to break free from this cycle once and for all. I am very scared of gaining fat/weight from doing this but I know that I’m only doing the right thing. I am struggling very much with my body image and see nothing but a fat person when I look in the mirror, I hope that this view will one day change. I’m going to hide my scale and get someone to take it away from me so I cannot weigh myself anymore and stop being obsessed over the number on it. I do realise all the health problems that can occur from eating so little, one thing I didn’t mention is the health problems that I noticed. I got blackouts, I would lose balance randomly, my sleep patterns changed, I stopped getting my period or it wasn’t proper, my hair started falling out more, I got fevers all the time… It wasn’t pleasant at all.
I want to help myself and I will. I don’t believe what I am going through is an ED but I can understand everything that you mentioned. I think your story is amazing and it gives hope to others to improve and get help.
EDIT: Sorry for the long essay haha0 -
Thanks for that. Unfortunately sounds like an ED to me, but that won't change a thing :-)
I used to have that feeling or being fat, no matter what we do, what we eat, how much we weight.
Before having a normal relationship with food, like I suggested you, you can push cardio training a bit further. By being tired and weak, you would reach a point where you would get the body requires energy to perform, some can be get from fat, but quickly the defenses come into play.
I know you started a bit cardio, did it helped to eat more ? Have you tried to run like 2 hours ?
Regarding the health issues, yes there are the premises for worst to come. Estrogen and dehydroepiandrosterone levels lower, so the periods. When I started to be low in BF, I lost myself my libido. Fortunately, by eating more, these can be fixed :-)0 -
Well I think exercising does make me eat a little more, but not by much. If I exercise I actually want to eat less because otherwise I feel like it was pointless, I like it when my net is low. I could try and push it a bit more, although since I'm currently in high school, I don't have as much time to do many hours of it.
Thanks I hope it can be fixed as you said. Do you think it is possible that these feelings of being fat and feeling guilty will go away? How did you stop feeling fat? 0 -
Well the strength training helped a lot, being skinny, with loose skin enhances that feeling. When you have some muscles and look "dynamic" the feeling of being fat goes away. Though today, I still have the feeling that I can lose more bodyfat, so it's not totally over
As for the guiltiness, I remember looking at me, very pale in the mirror, I then realized as was a shame to myself, I remembered how hard it was for my parents to leave their country for us, and how I was willingly wasting such sacrifices by hurting myself that way. I never felt real guiltiness, rather fear, and when I ate too much, rage and shame. But the more I think about it, the more I think there was part of guiltiness also into it.
I don't think guiltiness is straight-related to the food, so the weight - everything is just a motive, a symptom to express something deeper. Did you use to be overweight, or did people talk about your physic ?0 -
So can I start strength training then? I'm scared it'll make me gain weight though.
Hmm I don't know. I guess every time someone told me to eat, I would get extremely mad at them and I don't mean to, it just happens. I also started neglecting all my friends and family because I stopped talking to them as much. I don't know if that could be related to the guilt. I just feel guilty for eating because I feel like I shouldn't put anything in my body, I don't deserve to because I'm fat.
I was a chubby baby but I don't think that counts haha. Umm no, no-one talked about my physic either. People do compliment me on my body though. I do not see what others say they see though, I only see a fat person.0 -
Your main issue is not the body or the food Nocturnal, it's the lack of self-confidence. Being driven by such leads you to see you that way. I also lost much people meanwhile, that is one another still that suck about ED :-)
Are you shy in Life ?0 -
Hmm it's true I lack self-confidence. I think another reason I feel guilty is because I am not doing anything purposeful right now, I should be concentrating on my future but I have not been going to classes at school or do any work at all. Is that a reason for feeling guilty for eating?
In what way? I am a shy person sometimes.0 -
It could be yes. I used to feel guilty for years because I was bad at school and I left it when I was 20. I haven't not any superior diploma, and it took me years to accept that I could be dumb in school but good elsewhere. I don't know if it's directly related, but having doubts about your own self could explain it , definitely. In the end, ain't we the ones who fear our own image in front of the mirror ?
When I had my ears pierced that helped me to gain a bit more self-confidence. It was for the ability to do thinks straightly related to appearances that I decided on my own. Do you buy for yourself some sexy clothes sometimes ? Do you have your hair cut ?0 -
Also, do you think you could achieve things by yourself in Life ? and not depend on anybody else ?0
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Hmm okay I understand. I think my problem is that I constantly procrastinate and then regret not doing anything. I have very high ambitions (law or medicine) and I just cannot get myself to do any work still. I find that starving myself is an escape from all these worries and it also gives me a sense of control. By the way, I think you're very intelligent Razique
I take care of my appearance, I love fashion and always do my hair and nails so I don't think that's an issue. I was planning to get a nose piercing soon though.
I don't know if I could achieve things by myself. I mean, I want to do it by myself, I want to prove to myself that I don't need help but I'm unsure of whether I actually can.0 -
That's great actually, you still have a sense in a way of taking care of you. In most advanced stages, people suffering from ED don't take care of themselves, it's the last of their concern. The recurrent pattern that seems to be exposed through ED is for us a way to control things. In Life, there are tons of stuf we cannot control. Working for our body, or deciding to deprivate itself it the last bit of control we could have over something.
The antagonist response for my ED was the strength training, again : being able to control what I eat in order to achieve strength goals is for me a way to be able to keep cultivating a peaceful garden when the outer word seems nothing but a real agression
Every time you talk about it, you plug a punishment feeling on it.
I had that feeling when I was a bit chubby - I thought I wasn't deserving to be happy, sexy, hot whatever. Self-afflicted pain was one another way to funnel such thoughts. Why do you think you would deserve to suffer from that ?0 -
I think why I like to take care of myself is because I want to look good. To me looking good is also being stick thin, I want to be as light as a feather. And I agree, working for my body gives me a sense of control that I cannot get in other aspects of my life.
Did you start eating more after doing strength training? Is it bad if I start doing strength too?
I believe I'm fat so why should I need food? I wouldn't self-harm myself in any other ways but I don't feel food is necessary to me. I can survive without it.0 -
I think I'll just start with saying that I have got such a massive admiration foro you for recovering and getting health.
I'm no where near recovery yet but I've made some progress with some things. I've gone from never eating outside fo binging and purging to having days where I caneat 6 times a day.
For me the most important step was too stop lying.
I would lie about everything,I've already eaten, I didn't purge, I am a vegetarian, I'm not hungry, lying about my whereabouts, lying about everything. I'd even lie abotu my weight to my mum an doctors, and although I still fake my weight at the doctors I have forced myself to stop almost all other lying.
Another big step in recovery is being honest about your intentions and not making promises that you have no intention of keeping to. (A big mistale I made for 2 years of my life)0 -
I consider myself pretty much recovered, at least physically. I have a history of anorexia but have been at a healthy weight for about 3 years now. I was anorexic from about 16 years old until 22 years old. I am not almost 25
As for mentally I believe I am improving daily and this suprises me. I still often have feelings of inadequacy related to weight and food consumption and I still feel the need to count and track; however, I now have many days where I am not actively tracking with long periods of time of not even thinking of my weight.
I don't know exactly what happened to change my thinking but now I feel that I have furthered my progress by:
1. Working out, as mentioned by others, running (I prefer long distance) and working out in a boot camp program has been very helpful for me in terms of feeling healthy and also as a good measure of if I have eaten enough. (I recognize fairly quickly if I am low on energy and my performance is much worse).
2. Paying attention to my thinking and moods. I recognize the bad days and the good days. I do my best to forget the bad days and to remember the good ones. I have also noticed that at night I tend to have a strong desire to begin old ED habits so when this happens I go to bed telling myself I will do it in the morning but by morning I remember how strong and how much happier I am and go for a run.
I still try to track my food (hence my participation in MFP) but I try to be less focused on it, I do it more to show myself that when I think I am eating a ton, I am not. Sometimes I wonder if not tracking would be better, but it is something I am not ready to do yet. Instead I will continue to consider it and wait.0 -
Some of the best recovery stories I've ever heard are when people have actually stopped counting calories completely and learned how to eat intuitively. If you can acheive that then it's a really really amazing step. I admire you aswell. you and Razique are really inspirational and I have so much admiration for your strength.I consider myself pretty much recovered, at least physically. I have a history of anorexia but have been at a healthy weight for about 3 years now. I was anorexic from about 16 years old until 22 years old. I am not almost 25
As for mentally I believe I am improving daily and this suprises me. I still often have feelings of inadequacy related to weight and food consumption and I still feel the need to count and track; however, I now have many days where I am not actively tracking with long periods of time of not even thinking of my weight.
I don't know exactly what happened to change my thinking but now I feel that I have furthered my progress by:
1. Working out, as mentioned by others, running (I prefer long distance) and working out in a boot camp program has been very helpful for me in terms of feeling healthy and also as a good measure of if I have eaten enough. (I recognize fairly quickly if I am low on energy and my performance is much worse).
2. Paying attention to my thinking and moods. I recognize the bad days and the good days. I do my best to forget the bad days and to remember the good ones. I have also noticed that at night I tend to have a strong desire to begin old ED habits so when this happens I go to bed telling myself I will do it in the morning but by morning I remember how strong and how much happier I am and go for a run.
I still try to track my food (hence my participation in MFP) but I try to be less focused on it, I do it more to show myself that when I think I am eating a ton, I am not. Sometimes I wonder if not tracking would be better, but it is something I am not ready to do yet. Instead I will continue to consider it and wait.0
